Laertus: so how'd i do?
Eye Luggage: you were brilliant. mom loves you more than me.
Ear Horn: that's a loaded answer, dearie.
Eye: i mean think about it, your name is Laertus, that is the most GOTH-SOUNDING name ever to come out of a bat belfry.
Ear: sonny, how do you want your fish sticks this morning?
Laertus: for breakfast? let's see, how about we try mustard on them instead of ketchup.
Ear: you are brilliant, that's never been done before.
Eye: are you ready for the binge?
Laertus: as long as it's not YOU doing the binging, i love you fat.
Eye: i got fat tits, there's a difference.
Eye slides a GIANT cardboard-brown shoebox from underneath her skull bed full of VHS cassettes.
Eye: i present to you my ENTIRE Jem collection!!! EVERY SINGLE EPISODE of the '80s series.
Laertus: my eyes just sewn open from happiness.
Eye: care to watch ALL 65 EPISODES from the beginning with me?
Laertus: OF COURSE!!! this is what love IS!!! it's a little complicated cos some of the 65 are really 3-episode movies...
Eye: i hid these Jem tapes from mom my whole life. i never wanted her to know that who i REALLY wanted to be was a glam fab outrageous pop star and music CEO like Jem.
Ear: YOU WANTED TO BE A GIRLY GIRL?!!! well fuck me. blimey. me, too. i wanted to be Joan Collins!!!
Laertus: you wanted Jem's HAIR. it's impossible to achieve Jem's hair in real life. no amount of hairspray. you'd need to order a bottle of Pooph.
Ear: no deliveries, remember?
Laertus: so who ended up being your goth role model growing up?
Eye: Lars from Real World: London of course.
Ear: i still have that gaunt lanky German boy's bicycle in my cauldron...
Celine from Before Midnight: there's a carousel merry-go-round by the Eiffel Tower. Ethan Hawke sweet-talked me into riding it. there is nothing more romantic than an early-evening carousel ride by the Eiffel Tower in Paris. later on, our twin girls rode this carousel yesterday morning...
Julie Kotter: how come we don't ever do anything like THIS with OUR twin girls, Gabe?
Gabe Kotter: cos i'm a teacher and you're a principal.
Loreena McKennitt: this is for Ronald. i watch over Ronald evermore with my fairy pixiedust. protecting him from the raging waves of the sea. i am his boat. Ronald, my ancient muse, my incantation, my prayer.........2008, a time of hope. Obama was about to take office, Tinker Bell is in theatres, magic has come back to the world.
Raven-Symone: and i'm up in everyone's grill teaching them how to tink. cos i care about ALL PEOPLE.
me: imagine living in a world in which your ONLY concern is the last episode of Craig of the Creek...
at the Weather Channel.
Jim Cantore: no, don't toss a baseball at me, toss a tennis ball at me.
Goody Paul: but it's time for baseball weather, Jim...
Jim: i don't trust you, Paul, we got our issues. you're mean on set.
Now, KSBW Action News Sunrise, with your sole anchor Celine...
ice-cold bananas: make the best breakfast smoothie...
Julian Sands: do not remember me for Boxing Helena. remember me for that ONE scene in Boxing Helena where i offer "iced coffee?" on a warm Atlanta summer afternoon, that was such an everlastingly evergreen GENTLE moment...
Michael Weiss: have you noticed that everyone on Instagram is Romanian?...
dopamine decor: Amy Winehouse would've saved her life if she had been an interior decorator...
Evetta: that's the thing, i have an all-timer of a Persian booty but would you be willing to give up ALL MEAT for me forever?
me: can i still have honey?...
Evetta: my butt is the REAL Lost Ark.
George Washington: you're an American. which means you're free. you're free to be a dumbass and not follow the health regulations and die. i can't think of a more American way to die...
Subway: so you get the Garlic Roast Beef. you don't see us cutting the meat by hand on the slicer live in front of your eyes. but we did. trust us, we did it in the back. anyway, look at these COOL NEW DARK-BROWN BAGS we serve the subs in now, no more plastic snake chutes, better for the environment. these brown-bag snakes are so WARM, so COMFORTING, takes you back to Ventura Blvd. in the '80s getting bread by the Vons...
Vons: it's not baguette, it's French bread...
Lucio: why do Italian sports cars have to be so damn NOISY?!!!
Melbourne: right?
The Pope: bless me, Lucio. when noise pollution is LOUD, that's too much.
Lucio: at least Italian muscle cars taught me as a tortellini tyke that all mobsters weren't FAT, they pumped iron under those Italian suits...
Christmas club: when Santa gets REAL REAL angry about the lack of funds in his account and swings at you with his hammer which is a candy cane...
Princess Zelda: never knew i was British, huh...
Link: i am a mute...
Hylian: we like to get HIGH. cos we're HIGH-lians...
Laraine Newman: you know why the '70s episodes of Saturday Night Live were ESPECIALLY wild? two words: Plato's Retreat...
Steve Irwin: sorry, mate, but the Women's World Cup Finals will take place while you're sleeping...
Gareth A. Davies: i wanted to cover rock bands for Rolling Stone. but my mellifluous philosophical bent on journalism led me to the violent sport of boxing, it's a gladiatorial thing...
Albert Camus: not cool, man...
Kurt Cobain: i'm more afraid of a break than burnout...
Dr. Drew: 3 body types.........yeah, that makes sense.........you thought i was gonna refute that Johnny celebrity-trainer guy with the oily chest and biceps like a six-wheeler big-rig's truck headlights?.........no, this is a youtube ad for him...
Luke Russert: yeah the walnuts thing, it's not lasting past this bag.
Tai: maybe try unsalted walnuts? Walmart walnuts?
Luke: unsalted walnuts taste like bitter toothpaste, the toothpaste of a bitter man who had to shave even tho he once sailed the seven seas with a white beard, too umami...
me: i'm thinking of going back to college.........but i have no money...
Jen R: definitely Swarthmore for me...
Skierus: i'm a fencer, not a skier...
Diana Ross: oh Toto, i have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore.........we never were...
Thelonious Monk: i got the raddest middle name of all time: Sphere.
Cotard: i love you.
Thelonious: i was NOT the loneliest...
at Starbucks Jen P and i are in the back discussing Berkeley Regents Scholarships...
Laertus: thank you for bringing me outside, i don't exercise unless i'm walking with you.
Eye: i want you to see this van that's always parked right in front of Starbucks. the passenger front window is always open and the sliding side door is always ajar.
Codrus: what's that sticker say on the back? i can't see...
Cotard: REBEL MONK DOES NOT ABIDE. i was surfing out on Carmel Beach when i spotted Pee-wee Herman on a killer mondo wave. a Japanese character tat on his elbow. he had so much zinc oxide on his face his face was the sun...
Pee-wee Herman doing the "Tequila" dance: i can only surf once my tux is UNDER my speedo...
Pee-wee Herman: mekelecki high meka-hiney ho.........or something like that, i don't know the exact words...
crone Gladyce: don't incant the spell with the EXACT words, dear, that way you won't disappear and can stay on Earth a bit longer.
crone Doryce: keep spazzing on jumping all over the place, dear.
Pee-wee Herman: i do want to stay a bit more. but not TOO much more, with the sun's rays i don't want to end up with a GREEN face like my best friend that genie head in the glitter box...
Eye Luggage and Laertus are cozy inside one scratchy brown blanket like a burrito on top of Eye's pink bed with pink sheets watching the Jem episode "Lost Spanky..."
Eye Luggage: why can't life be like Jem? the poacher is chasing after you and you end up at the local zoo and you call upon Synergy to transform that deer in the cage into a deer that walks on two legs...
Laertus: kids were hardier in the '80s, this is some dank stuff. too scary for me as a kid...
Eye: the deer stretches the iron bars with his legs, gets out of the cage, and spits at the bad-guy poacher until he's dead off a cliff. imagine having the power of Synergy at your disposal to hax all your life problems.
Laertus: i would use Synergy to grant Jem's secret wish: Jem always wanted to have her hair a fro...
Eye puts on some shades.
Eye: how do these Prive Revaux sunglasses make me look?
Laertus: careful, you want to look POP-STAR COOL, not GOTH COOL.
Laertus: how will this episode of Jem be resolved in 11 or 22 minutes?...
Eye: turns out Spanky wasn't the Nazca booby at the zoo.
Greykid: wasn't Spanky that lost cat?...
Walt Disney in the walls: why didn't we ever do an animated film with a Nazca booby as the main character?...
Spanky from Little Rascals: no it's me, Spanky from Our Gang. i was an orphan at a fucked-up 1910s dirty orphanage, i wrote a letter to Jem and she helped me secure a forever family.
The Three Stooges: we are Spanky's forever family.
Larry from The Three Stooges: yeah except for me. fuck it. this kid is getting all my lines, Spanky is stealing my script now!!! it was bad enough when it was the three of us, Curly got all the fat laughs, Moe was the brains, nobody noticed me. nobody notices LARRY, i'm just THERE. no. out of the question. i'm sending Spanky back to the orphanage in the morning...
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