EYE LUGGAGE'S MOM: EAR HORN

 

Laertus: meeting the parents is a dread chore. but i am perfectly UNNERVOUS on this street. i've never felt so calm, i'm lighter than the clouds i walk on, lighter than my lighter. i know the path my life is, i'm walking in the right direction, into a GIANT embankment of overcast tube clouds, can't see a thing. i'm hopscotching into fluffiness. i know i'm close to my heart Eye Luggage's house. just 12 or 14 more sidewalk squares to go. i'm stepping like a smitten schoolgirl. peaceful pieces. i knock on the door with a RUSTY CLANG waiting for a tall slender butler...

Eye Luggage's mom Ear Horn answers, she's a short stocky woman whose power belies her stature. a beige cornucopia is plugged into her left earhole. she wears brown stockings so high up her knee they reach her ear. 

Ear Horn: and made of such LIGHT lithe material. i'm always afraid i'll tear a hole in my toe from walking in this house with no clogs. but i always forget and the material always holds. do you have Kenergy? i sense kenergy in you, lad.

Laertus: oh yes, ma'am, i THOROUGHLY don't mind being the sidekick. i keep in the back and don't say a word, i observe. 

Ear Horn: are you getting off on me sizing you up? 

Laertus: um, if i say yes will you hate me forever?

Ear: only if you're lucky. are you sure a goth and non-goth going together is prudent, dearie?

Eye Luggage: MOM DON'T EMBARRASS ME!!!

Ear: i can't tell if you're beaming red, if it's coming out of your black.

Eye: it's called blush, mom.

Laertus: the way i suss things is thus: your daughter is my heart and she is my black heart so it all evens out.

Ear: how do you assess our tiny mansion on the corner of Gilmore St.?

Laertus: it is quite the ELEGANT home. i've heard rumors of Gilmore Street but i never imagined it THIS lovely. the permacloud of grey which encompasses the street is quite atmospheric. 

Eye: it's a goth house.

Ear: yeah but not an AMERICAN Gothic House. no crosses in windows here.

Laertus: are those stained-glass windows?

Ear: oh no, lad, we both gave up religion a long time ago. why did you, dearie?

Eye: being a Christian chick did NOTHING for my mental illness.

Ear: same, it just made mine worse. the more hardcore Christian you are the harder the mental illness...

Eye: now i'm just a crazy chick with tits.

Ear: same.

Laertus: the Door to Hell?

Ear: Hell is a state of mind. nah it's just a red door. the Vaporwave Vent on the top of the roof, that's a window that allows for only the finest music to pipe through. the terrace balcony at the very top is not for jumping but rather for hanging out like Japanese schoolkids who shoot the breeze on top of their school's roof in Boogiepop Phantom (2000). how are my weekly bingo knitting-circle friends? haven't seen them here for epochs.

Eye: Gladyce is living in the present, Doryce is always nowhere to be found...

Ear: that Doryce's a troublemaker, she's always disappearing things...

Laertus to Eye: where's your dad?

Ear: my HUSBAND.........is DEAD.........to us...

Laertus: you don't have to. i'm a stranger around here.

Ear: it was skiplagging i'm afraid. we were all set for our destination wedding.........but everybody went to the hidden city instead...

Eye: not the PC game...

Ear: what's your favorite movie?

Eye: DON'T ANSWER THAT!!! IT'S A TRICK QUESTION!!! there's no right answer, babe, she'll keep you trapped here for eternity.

Laertus: that doesn't have to be a bad thing, babe.

Ear: tis a witch's parlour game, dearie. innocent, meant to quell the boredom. in the meantime some blush is in order, dearie, your cheeks are rather pale this evening. i think i will, too.........soup's almost on...

Trinity the cat: i'm rooting for Trinity Rodman!!!

Rory McIlroy: the world loses when a short cocky frat guy wins a Major...

Easter Island: you don't have the stones, journeyman. 

Brian Harman: there's nothing i can say that'll sound smart...

Easter Island: how'd you get ON this island anyway?...

Brian Harman: short people can do things...

Senku: how'd i stay sane for 3000 years? lots of Sanka instant coffee crystals and golf.

Tony Kornheiser's son: i coulda been a contender...

Tony Kornheiser: and our show with George Costanza coulda been Cheers...

Alan Brennert: i look like a young Stephen King. that's how i also expect to be treated...

Kylie Cox-Toyota: my real name, the Japanese people are more comfortable with porn than Americans...

Melbourne: in a race you can only achieve ONE flying lap. much as in life, you can only achieve that ONE good sexual experience...

Sir Jackie Stewart: you know me. no, not from the Swinging Sixties. from that Heineken commercial. i don't drink the champagne, i shower people with the champagne...

spice bag: that's the thing, it's actually Irish...

Pete Davidson: when the strike FINALLY ends, I, ME, i should be the host for the first show back. right, Lorne?

Lorne Michaels: yes i know this. i am smart. and occasionally clever. i know which side my bread is buttered.

Crespi: that one move of ours would've changed EVERYTHING.........if you hadn't MOVED.........moved away...

Lucio: it's left to us poor sods who were born in the wrong decade to SULK FOREVER...

Hrishitaa Bhatt: Alyssa Milano from India...

galactic bulge: ...

Michael Weiss: if it's gonna be a tricky compliment, don't use it!!!

gummi beans: right?...

The Outer Limits "Dark Matters": would be a GREAT stage play...

Royal Stewart tartan: British plaid...

Lance Lear Armstrong: the Tour de France Femmes, each of my 3 daughters will win all the races: Queen of the Mountains, the fastest time-trial, and the straightest...

Vinicius Jr.: a soccer player from Ancient Rome...

Roger Federer: i mean is it kosher to have the linespeople all wearing Tennis Channel shirts?...

Snapdragon Cup: ramen, not a soccer trophy...

Ear Horn stirs the pot with her tiny wooden spoon in a large cauldron of a bowl in the center of the room lit over by a flame on the ceiling of the kitchen. there's a ghostly aura surrounding the five corners of this kitchen.

Laertus: as i look all around this room, as i survey the shelves in this place, i notice you don't have a microwave.

Ear: of course not, goths don't do microwaves. a goth must have a STOVE, you know? an OVEN is very goth. for life and death, all-encompassing. you're staying for lunch?

Laertus: i'm staying for DINNER. forever. 

Ear: what are you willing to eat? anything wriggly?

Uncle Wiggily: ...

Laertus: tiny octopi?

Ear: i'll have to take-out for that. nobody delivers to our house anymore. i have a feeling you've never had okra.

Laertus: guilty. i'm ashamed. never tried it, even fried. i've also never had fish sticks with Louisiana hot sauce nor pasta with pesto.

Ear: looking at you you seem like an omega-3 fatty acids kinda guy.

there's a big bulky brown box TV plunked down in the middle of the shaggy living room with a giant screen completely covered by a silver spider web. the grey web is gossamer so you can still see the show. on right now in the background is Pictionary, with that host Jerry from Alice In Chains, their song "Whale + Wasp" playing as the end theme in the background when the game show ends.

Ear: why are you glum all the time? why aren't you sunny, sonny?

Laertus: me? gloomy? well i can't hear at all out of my left ear anymore but i've learned to ignore it. i've forgotten all about it.

Ear: sometimes it's better not to hear what people are saying. are you sure you want that fixed? cheer up, the first episode of the new season of Futurama dropped today!!!

Eye: that's intelligent background noise!!!

Laertus: i love that show more than my life. i've memorized every line of every episode. it heartens my soul to know that their play continues on, their draped proscenium is lit up once more. draped pronounced DRAPE-ED.

Eye: see, mom? my boyfriend's goth after all!!!

Laertus: ma'am, Mrs. Eye, Miss Ear, look, i mean, see me. please. i don't do anything but i love your daughter more than my life. more than my soul. with my weak feeble heart. i don't have a weekend heart, i have a weakened heart. i would take a bullet for your daughter, which, in goth terms, means something  completely different. accept me, a mere sheep, into your black fold. i beg of you, insert me into your goth family.

Ear Horn smiles cheekily with her upturned smile showing her no teeth.

Ear Horn: i know, lad, i felt it the moment you darkened our doorstep. i felt your love for my dearie daughter Eye.

Eye Luggage, smiling happily: and i felt him up to make sure he had a body.

Laertus: do goths have souls?

Ear: oh yes, dearie, massive ones, heavy ones, so big they can't fit our bodies.

Ear Horn hugs Laertus after Laertus bends down. Eye Luggage hugs her mom's head and her boyfriend's butt.

Laertus: lay it on me, mama. serve me that salty soup. i'll eat ANYTHING. i'm an adventurous eater. now. cos i like the adventure i'm on. now that i'm home. i'm home here. what's for dinner?