Jen Pizarro: this is a world of grass.........grass everywhere all around.........who will be your partner eternal in this everlasting grass?...
we're at the wedding. OUR wedding. it's just THE TWO OF US. it's just me and Jen, Jen and i, like it has always been. it has always been just the two of us, me and Jen against the world, fighting for freedom of art, fighting to be together, fighting to stay alive, grasping at Starbucks straws.
Jennifer Pizarro and i are on her island. her island home. her island mansion. the ceremony is taking place at the LONG dock in front of the waterhouse. the aqua abode.
me: so what are we gonna do here? write out our vows and say them to each other's faces?
Jen: thanks for dressing up.
Jen is in a lithe lace white dress made of doilies that flutters and flickers in the elm wind. i wear shorts for the first time in my life.
me: go oak go broke, isn't that what they say? the thing is, i don't own a tuxedo of any kind. i don't even own a pair of socks.
Jen: perfect, barefoot is the way to go on a pier. the girl still has to wear the high Redbottom heels on the slats tho i guess. nah, writing is too easy for the both of us...
the day started off fortuitously. the morning was crisp, not hot. we did our pre-honeymoon attending a showing of the Peninsula Dancers on Shattuck Avenue. then we stop by Felton for some briam and fries.
Jen: Felton is where you first felt me up.
me: and down to Livermore for some liver.
Jen: i hear their liver was so good they named the place after it. home of the first hydroponic cattle ranch...
after our meal there's a skinny rectangular garden in front of us when we exit blocking our way forward. it's half on the sidewalk half on the street. it's one half green grass one half brown grass. on the rear corner grows 2 wedding-bouquet of roses and powdery sneezy mustard chrysanthemums. plain lollipops grow out of the ground in the foreground. on the other side of this tiny garden in the corner grow lollipops coated with coarse hard rock-diamond Mexican sugarsalt, Mexican candy.
Jen: Pulparindo. pulpy from the pulp of the soil. candy like my grandma used to make.
me: i don't want to step in anything here.
Jen: you have to. that's what life is all about. you think i like getting letters mailed to my house addressed to Pippi Longstocking?...
me: i don't want to stomp our garden. you can carry me over, right?
Jen: we weigh the same. that's how i knew we were soulmates.
me: and soilmates. i can jump it. i can clear this no problem.
Jen: in your dreams, buddy. you got bad knees from lovemaking, remember?
"Secret Garden" by Bruce Springsteen plays in the background of the green island lush with stone trees.
me wearing my Bruce Springsteen tux vest made of jeans: people never heard of this song "Secret Garden" until they heard Bruce's "Streets of Philadelphia" song, where the "Secret Garden" sample was riffed.
Jen: once again the world owes Tom Hanks a debt of gratitude.
me: metallic paper roses and an H-ception of H stone archways like a Dutch Brooklyn, that's Paradise. i DESPISE where i live. i live right next to the highway. when i first came here four years ago it wasn't that bad cos there wasn't that extra lane next to my place. no sidewalk, just a silent street. but now the NOISE POLLUTION is DEAFENING. oh the SWEET SILENCE of shutting a window. i understand monks now.
Jen: is that why you're marrying me? for my location?
me: babe i love you, but oh how i FEED on the quiet around here. i adore you, beloved, but your silent paradise is a paradise cos it's QUIET. humans need quiet to function, LONG STRETCHES of Walden quiet...
Jen: you should have called me, i could have helped you find a better house. all you had to do was move one street in and all the road traffic would have been shielded off. a cul-de-sac does wonders...
me: i know but i don't have the rent money. i'm not marrying you for your money.........but ngl it is peace of mind...
Burger King: you can't get a regular single hamburger...
Michael Weiss: people are actually busy, i always forget about that...
Alcaraz's papa: wasn't me. this is Bill Belichick's camera...
Carlitos Alcaraz kicks a tennis ball like a soccer ball into the stands and King William's son catches it in his mouth.
King William's son: who's the brat now?
Queen Kate: suck it, Newcom.
Monopoly Man in the umpire chair: isn't it nice tho? now that there's a 7-6 fifth set, we can all rest assured that we can watch the men's final and have enough time to go to dinner later this evening...
Monopoly Man: announcement, ladies and gentlemen!!! from now on the Wimbledon Championships will be held at Grassholm...
Jen sticks her hand into the water. and pulls out a large silver dining-table book plated with gold bookmark tassels.
Jen: this is our gift. this is our wedding present that was given to us, in an envelope with an imprinted stamp.
me: neat book.
Jen: last one on the shelf at Ned's Bookstore. a photo album filled with blank pages each page embossed with my sigil.
me: that's YOUR symbol, babe!!! i recognize it everywhere, it's all around Berkeley like the Andre the Giant OBEY. this same sigil is birthmarked into your left eye.
Jen: i do love when you look DEEPLY into my left eye, i pretend you're doing it because you're being romantic. do you know what it is?
me: it's a tree with three branches.
Jen: and the sigil is on both sides of the covers of this book. i know this is for our precious memories but can it also be my private stickerbook?
me: hey i saw this sigil on a tree on the island last night, did you do that? was that you?
Jen: oh yeah. that was me. marriage goes by like a drop in the bucket. i burned the sigil into the bark of that tree with a marshmallow poker. a singer as in not one who sings but one who singes...
Alcaraz's papa: no no no. irse. Carlito has a Way.........Carlitos is a VERY VERY VERY good boy...
Roger Federer: back then, in yesteryear, people savored my 8 Wimbledons. they took time to appreciate each and every one of them in their own time. nowadays, in this frenetic world, everyone is on speed and forgets instantly, they want the record to be broken NOW, they want AI to shatter it INSTANTLY. they don't take stock, they don't take the time to appreciate that everyone is out of control on a crazy runaway train...
Ozzy Osbourne in tennis shorts: ...
Sharon Osbourne: it's about savoring flavors while you can still taste and chew your food...
Dave Pirner: don't worry, your kid'll be okay...
stuffy nose: no problem. it's the STUFFY EAR that's a bitch of a problem...
the city of Furnace, California: that's not fair...
Takahashi's dad: everybody needs a '70s sitcom, an '80s cartoon, a '90s sci-fi series, and a British show in their lives at all times...
me: NO MORE FUCKING HEADLINES!!! you know? that's all i do with my life, fill my empty brain with ENDLESS USELESS American and world headlines. i don't give a FUCK about any of this, i don't care what these people are doing, i don't care who died...
Jen: you gotta start making your OWN headlines...
me: before i met you i was doing NOTHING. you know? i had NO IDEA what the fuck i was doing with my life. i was going NOWHERE...
Jen: i'm happy for you, babe, i really am. i'm glad you found me.
me: what were the chances that a lowly sad-sack sap student such as myself would land my own little personal blonde Garbine Muguruza?!!!
Jen: i'm from the MAINLAND, baby. you don't need to go out exploring anymore. so, Salma Hayek as Garbine Muguruza, right?
me: no, the better casting would be Djokovic's wife as Garbine Muguruza...
Jen: i'm glad we ran into each other. especially NOW.........because.........i'm pregnant.
Vostok: not TikTok.
Ons Jabeur: i wore all-black as a symbol.........and also cos it was cold...
dark chicken: breaded.
Fashion Show Mall in Las Vegas: we have our own dome to combat the heat dome...
Jillian Clare: i wanted to be SAG president.........but being SAG president during a STRIKE sucks. sorry, Fran Drescher...
borstal: borscht only served here. sometimes heated...
Cotard: when we finally wrangle up a monk recruit, we celebrate...
Codrus: celebrate?
Cotard: we celebrate by taking the monk to Nepenthe restaurant in Big Sur. by the power vested in prayer, that place has FOG during the heat dome!!!...
i fall to my knees. so swiftly hard it breaks a hole in the dock planks. i SQUEEZE Jen's top half like a tower and GENTLY rub her dressed belly with a shaky nervous palm. Jen kisses my fingers.
Jen: your fingers are not a cage.
me: because of you, i have a life. because of you i know MEANING, i know HEFT. this baby is my direction, our child is my path.
Jen: and your oath.
me: i wake up and know where to point my feet. i know which steps to take. i'm not terrified of my future anymore.
Jen: the future of the world is uncertain and bleak.
me: you are my RUDDER. your toes are my star anchor.
Jen: and my anklebones are your sea chains...
Jen: okay you go first.
i pause to draw a breath as i close my eyes. to smell the ocean. i open them just to check that Jen is still there. and showing.
me: may we always speak in PARAGRAPHS, not sentences.
Jen: do me one favor as my husband. when we're fucking PLEASE don't be holding an e-vape in your hand. oh, and can i do one thing as your wife?
me: sure.
Jen: let me take the iPhone and film when you're eating me out. it's just a quirky thing i like to do.
me: which time was it?
Jen punches me in my solar plexus with her fist.
Jen, sternly with her sternum: you know when it was. in you heart. Opening Night. THAT's when we became serious as a couple.
Jen: but, like, what are you going to DO? you know, for a living.
me: i literally have no idea. actor?...
Jen: speak it loud. you gotta project from your diaphragm. especially on stages. you know it's not a bad time studying all year round, it's fun and cool to be a permanent student. but i know how much you hate the ivory tower.
me: the ivory tower is my only home, beggars can't be choosers. of course the ivory tower is a more pleasant place if you know were the skeleton key is...
Jen: be like Neil Forrester from The Real World: London...
Jen leans in for the kiss.
Jen: wait do we have rings?
me: no, we couldn't afford them.
to "Deep Blue" by The Midnight in the background of the aqua sky, i kiss Jen and Jen kisses me. we kiss for the first time as adults.
Jen: forever?
me: the morning after forever...
Jen: there's only one plunging pool and it's at Raging Waters.
me: can i do it? i know you're the theater geek in the family but can i be the smart one for once and say it?
Jen: plunge.
me with my finger pointed up at a forgiving sky: EXEUNT!!!
Jen smiles her smile to my face letting me know she's got this. she's got this going forward.
Jen: babe, exeunt is for two people, remember? we're three. we're there.
me: oh yeah, i forgot.
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