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Luke Russert, Lindy Lenz, and i are at an amusement park during summer.
Lindy Lenz: the world is building more amusement parks than schools...
Luke Russert: do you think they'll let me carry my grocery bag with me on the ride?
me: amusement parks are notoriously LAX. only the airport in Los Angeles has a secure rollercoaster. amusement parks let you get away with ANYTHING.
Lindy: hey guys, i almost won enough tickets playing the knock-the-bottle game to get us a free ROWING MACHINE!!!
we the trio make the trip and board the rollercoaster. Luke is at the head, Lindy the middle, and me as in my entire life take up the rear.
we get to the first loop. i notice the pole is breaking in half.
Lindy: do you see that also? that's not a shadow on the pole, right?
me: this rollercoaster is gonna collapse and tumble down!!! whom do we inform?
Luke: the authorities. not the park guys, they couldn't care less. tell Chevy Chase. tell John Candy. tell Roy Walley.
Luke's shopping bag gets caught in the break hole in the pole, sending us flying, the entire train of the rollercoaster flies from its tracks, stays airborne for THIRTY MINUTES, and lands in the lake!!!
Luke: is everyone okay? i can't swim but i LOVE to get wet. weren't there other passengers in this rollercoaster with us?
Luke Skywalker: Russert, i feel your father pain.
Lindy: it's just as well your grocery bag was torn to shreds, that leather behemoth was an eyesore.
me: that was the first time i've ridden in a water ride in which i wasn't in a log...
Luke Russert: that bag will forever be more ripped than me...
the two of us console Luke Russert with a snackbar snack.
me: this ketchup packet costs $12. ketchup isn't free at amusement parks.
Lindy: do any of you two dip churros in salt like me?
Luke: you know, guys, i admit it, it's so MEDITATIVE to go to the grocery store on a Wednesday, walk aimlessly around the aisles, and you're there only to pick up ONE very skinny bottle of tabasco sauce...
Lindy: we tailed you at the grocery store. the two of us spied on you. we crouched down like a dragon with stripes in the aisle next to you to witness what your perfect purchase would be. we were all wondering.
Luke: perfection is pretty.
Lindy: and then when you were gone the two of us loaded up on the 100-gallon tin tureen of pina-colada potato salad they have in the back of the deli...
Leslie Sbrocco: you go to an expensive fancy high-end 5-year 5-Michelin-star municipal restaurant just for DESSERT?!!! go back home, kick open your rusty tin thermos, and SUCK on a Fudgsicle.
gardeners: we came on the 4th of July, Tuesday, instead of our usual Saturday/Sunday, because we figured most Americans would be cooped up inside their mansions on July 4 instead of out on vacation. that's how most Americans celebrate: inside. we're playing three-dimensional chess here while you're still playing checkers...
Indiana Jones: when we got to Nepal, every single man i talked to was named Chetan.
Marion: ...
Barbara Williams: i'm Marsiska Hargitay without the baggage.........and unlike Mariska Hargitay, i'm skinny...
Aldon Jacob: check out this pimp chair. check out this steel throne i sit on, this pro videogamer's barcalounger i use to do the weather. you can't SEE my nachos, man. velcro straitjacket clasps to keep me in place in the chair. sticky not from wicky but from purple soda. i don't actually professionally play video games but i could...
Joe Biden: i don't do cocaine.
Roger Federer: i'm not actually part of the Royal Family. of England. of Switzerland, yes, i'm the Royal Chocolatemaker. honey, i'm gonna be late tonight coming home.
Mirka: oh fuck you Rog, what is it this time, huh? what excuse you gonna lay on me now? that Swedish meatball with the yellow knockers?
Roger: no, i need to pick up all the puzzle pieces form the Wimbledon grass. that was MY court!!! all i want in damages is one of those cool purple-and-green-striped Wimbledon umbrellas...
Julia Donaldson: i could have easily been an actress tho. a Harry Potter actress.
Eye Luggage: Mr. Holland's Opus and go.
Laertus's dad: okay so this is a VERY SPECIAL FILM between me and my dad.
Laertus's grandpa: yes. it's a watershed. it's a yardstick. it's a mile pole. it's something we discuss often. it's a momentous MOVIE OF MOTION between us, of antsy agitation, a magnificent movie.
dad: you think it's magnificent, i think it's cloying, nauseating, saccharine, too goody-goody, and jejune.
grandpa: yes but son, you haven't actually SEEN this movie until JUST NOW!!! this film has JUST THE RIGHT AMOUNT of feel-good to utterly inspire.
dad: this is true. i did it for you, dad. i saw this, i sat through 3 fucking hours, ALL FOR YOU.
grandpa: i appreciate that. i appreciate you, son, thank you. i love you, son, for this AND Black Hole...
Laertus: i can appreciate this being of Dutch heritage. a LONG Dutch opus, an interminable Dutch epic poem...
Eye: halfsies...
Steven Spielberg: it is VERY RARE for a 3-HOUR MOVIE to make $100 million at the box office. to reach that mark of soaring zeitgeist. because people just don't want to sit through 3 hours in an uncomfortable sticky theater seat.
Debralee Scott: my toes start to get restless.
Richard Dreyfuss: i left a permanent butt-mark in my seat. a print for the ages.
George Lucas: this and that Blade Runner movie with the handsome Ryan Gosling, that's it, that's the list!!!
James Cameron in mourning: ...
Nic Cage: sorry, Dick...
Richard Dreyfuss: i started drinking because of you...
Laertus's grandpa: the reason i so am in love with this movie is because this is EXACTLY MY LIFE, you know?!!! i identify so deeply with Mr. Holland, i was a struggling composer of classical music trying to balance having a kid and a wife, family with creation. i went through everything, all the struggles Glenn did. i even had a chocolate-milk mustache.
Laertus's dad: oh yeah i remember your mustache, i licked it off one night while you were sleeping.
grandpa: of course none of my arias, operettas, or classical compositions sold. made no money. i had to work at Taco Bell. but i never had American Gladiators thoughts.
dad: they were masterpieces, too, genuine masterpieces.
grandpa: yeah but it was the '60s by then, nobody gave a FUCK about classical music anymore...
Mardith: except my namesake!!!...
Richard Dreyfuss: the best thing i ever did is STILL that first episode of Outer Limits...
Glenne Headly: this was really my time, you know? i was the greatest ER actor ever on that show, i was so WARM AND COMPASSIONATE, i treated open-heart surgery like i was reading a bedtime story to my children at night. i described the heart in such dulcet tones, in such loving strokes of color and light, the heart asleep on a warm blanket of bones and blood, warm blood, the heart a Studio Ghibli character: alive and with feelings. the heart CARES about you...
Jean Louisa Kelly: i'm a pretty white girl. i went to Columbia. i starred in the two biggest movies of all time: Mr. Holland's Opus and Uncle Buck. i've had my fair share of opportunities. look.........let's face it.........i've had it easy in life...
Laertus: i'll be honest, five minutes in and i'm thinking of pulling the plug. i'm thinking i can't do this, i can't do this anymore, i can't go though with this. 3 fucking hours!!! it starts off at a time period i HATE, it's the '60s but not yet the Summer of Love, it's EARLY '60s, not my jam.
Laertus's dad: but you gutted it out, you grinded and got to the end.
Laaertus: yes, dad.
Laertus's grandpa: and you were rewarded for it, for your patience, for sticking it out and making it to the end.
Laertus: yes, grandpa. you're right, you are both right. thank you dad and grandpa, i learn from the past generations...
Glenne Headly to Richard Dreyfuss: wait this isn't fair, i'm Glenne but your character's name is Glenn. this is gonna be so confusing on set...
JFK: it's cool you renamed the high school after me. i wish you hadn't had to. these are hard times for America but at least you're in Portland...
John Lennon: and bring out ALL the Pathe color and black-and-white newsreels!!!
Mr. Holland: my teaching career is inextricably intertwined with the history of the world. as are ALL teachers...
Mr. Holland to his wife: how was the sex with John Malkovich?
Iris Holland: scary.
Olympia Dukakis: we don't like people around here who see teaching as a SECOND option. teaching ain't no SECOND FIDDLE.
Mr. Holland: have you seen my wife Mrs. Holland?...
Olympia: teaching is everything, not a FALLBACK when you need some extra spending money. the chance to mold young minds so they don't rob you at gunpoint later in life.
Mr. Holland: but i was in Pink Floyd.
Olympia: not impressive. Fall Out Boy is impressive.
William H. Macy: i'm that scary man with the crewcut and thick-rimmed glasses who has that dead look in his eyes, a dinosaur from the '50s who's openly racist cos the times allow him to be, discrimination and judgment give me power and ease, it's the only time i relax. if i don't beat my wife i beat a tree. Mr. Holland, i hold your job in my nebbishy hand.
Ralph Nader: hey guy, don't make a joke about me, at my expense, we're nothing alike. why aren't there electric cars NOW in 1964?!!! what the fuck are we waiting for?!!!
Mr. Holland comes into class wearing a BARBENHEIMER shirt.
the class laughs.
Mr. Holland: classical music is just old rock n roll. nothing to be scared of. The Beatles stole from Bach.
Ringo: and we stole from Jesus.
Alicia Witt: i can't do this, Mr. Holland!!! all the members of my family are geniuses. my mom is a pharmacist and my dad is a pro baseball player and my brother patented the wheel. i want to be good at something.
Mr. Holland: you're a ginger girl tho, you got that penetrating dark black magic in your veins, fuck the SHIT outta that clarinet, girl, ya feel me? play that clarinet like this is your last sunset!!!
Mr. Holland hugs Alicia Witt until the bell rings. the next morning.
Mr. Holland: all i can say right now to you is.........appreciate your parents while you still have them.........i am SO SORRY...
Mr. Holland: see? banging a drum ain't as easy as you think.
Terrence Howard: i made this drum stick my PIMP STICK. i made this drum my BITCH. got any RAP songs i can bang a drum to to keep the beat?
Rubikon: ...
Mr. Holland: my son Terrence Howard, don't go to war, wars are useless, wars are meaningless, you're giving up your life for NOTHING.
Terrence: it's the only way to get out of the ghetto. to escape my station in life. it's either war or wrestling.
Mr. Holland: what a waste if you die, you need to return to the ghetto.........to clean it up...
P.E. teacher: you have a day off? i've never had a day off in my life...
Mr. Holland: sorry.........if it makes you feel better i eventually lose my job while you get to keep your job...
Iris: i'm pregnant.........what's with the pause? that pause was hurtful.
Mr. Holland: I'M SHOCKED.........i love you honey but my life is over now.........i won't be able to write music anymore...
Iris: well excuse me for living. your life isn't ruined it's just DIFFERENT now. what's his name gonna be?
Mr. Holland: Coltrane. because i HATED Coltrane.........at first...
Less and Deen: remember when all public high schools offered driver's ed?
Mr. Maldark: yeah, now only the Catholic schools do driver's ed...
Laertus's grandpa: oh i used to do that with you, son. you don't remember.
Laertus's dad: you did?
grandpa: yeah, i put headphones on your mother's pregnant tum-tum.
Glenne: tummy.
grandpa: and i'd play Bach, Mozart, and Beethoven so you the baby could listen to perfect music. i did this first before anyone branded this whole experience as Baby Mozart and ruined it.
dad: oh yeah i remember now, as a fetus i recognized that Beethoven was a bit OFF. in a few of his notes, they didn't sound quite right, probably because he was deaf...
Mr. Holland: Beethoven had to press his ear to the floor of the piano to hear not the sound but the VIBRATION. he had no idea what his masterpieces SOUNDED like.
Jesus: he had to go by gut, by instinct, like i do...
Eye: and.........the IRONY BOMB drops!!!
Dirg: i thought my volume was turned low.
Mr. Holland: the musician with the deaf son, we can never bond now.
Olympia: this is my parting gift to you.
Mr. Holland: what is it?
Olympia: it's a gold watch. get it? not for me and my retirement, for you cos you got no time left now that Squarehead is principal...
Glenne Headly: this is my one DRAMATIC scene where i'm really gonna SHOUT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS!!! be prepared, cover your ears.
Colt: not cool, mom. hey can you buy me a wrench that doubles as a telescope?...
Glenne Headly: son, cover your ears when i start talking about how i found my music teacher when i was in school attractive and how i needed to fuck him...
Colt: always call me Coltrane. never call me Colt. are you sure i'm DEAF?!!!
Mr. Holland: only 90% deaf, son.
Colt: are you sure i can't just use a tiny green ribbed bulb syringe and shoot the water into my ear canal to get the hard earwax out?...
Colt: FUCK YOU, DAD.
Mr. Holland: ah the good old innocent days when the circle finger symbol meant A-okay instead of white supremacy. sorry, son, i can't learn American Sign Language, i'm already in too much school.
Colt: why so glum, dad?
Mr. Holland: you wouldn't understand, John Lennon died, he was shot.
Colt: yeah i know.........TV has closed captioning now...
Mr. Holland lays his eyes on Rowena for the first time.
Mr. Holland: jesus, this one's gonna get me in trouble. do her tits have to be THAT big?!!!
P.E. teacher: why do high-school students get sexier as the decades go by?
Rowena: Mr. Holland, do i have a good stage-singing voice?
Mr. Holland: when you sing this, Ms. Morgan, remember that this woman is DESPERATELY LONGING FOR SOMEONE!!! ANYONE!!! to comfort her in this VERY COLD WORLD, to hug her, tend to her, make her feel less alone, make her free, make her feel her little life matters when she looks up at the stars, to SEE her. to protect her always through life's hard ocean because she's precious to him...
me: on a personal note, listening to "Someone To Watch Over Me" ALWAYS makes me cry...
Ella Fitzgerald: that's because it's MY voice, sugar...
Jay Frank: remember ME?!!! it's Jay from Real World: London!!!
Adele: it's all coming back to me now...
Laertus: yeah i remember you, Jay!!! you're the slacker playwright!!!
Jay: everyone in the flat kept busting my balls for not experiencing London better.
Laertus: it wasn't until i became a playwright myself that I COULD APPRECIATE YOU, Jay Frank. creatives like us are REQUIRED to spend large amounts of time doing NOTHING for the process to kick in...
Jay: my audition for Mr. Holland's Opus was better than me playing an auditioner in Mr. Holland's Opus...
Dirg: please tell me Kat Ogden from Real World: London made something of her life.
Kat: i'm a stage actress in Portland.
Dirg: figures. they all go to Portland...
Jen P: oh to go to Portland...
Ashley from CLASSICAListheWAY: um, Mr. Holland?...
Mr. Holland: no not you, too!!! get out of my class, you're too alluring!!!
Ashley: but...
Mr. Holland: i know i know, your name Ashley is in CLASSICAListheWAY, i've studied your youtube channel for years!!!...
Mr. Holland to Ashley: how can you look cuter WITH glasses than without?!!!...
Rowena: i can be your muse for your unfinished symphony. what are you working on?
Mr. Holland at the piano with pencil in mouth and papers down his pants: i'm calling it Rowena's Reverie. it sounds like a Soundgarden song...
Rowena: this is getting me REAL HOT. do you wanna row me? do you wanna row Rowena?
Mr. Holland: my wife fell in love with me with one of my showtunes. this is different. Rowena, please don't look at me with those BLUE EYES of yours, they're both like the ocean and ICE COLD...
Rowena: yes, dear...
Gladyce: Mr. Holland is sexy.
Doryce: Mr. Holland reminds us of our dad in the village...
Laertus's grandpa: son, this is NOT EASY TO SAY TO YOU, but i have a CRUSH on Rowena.
Laertus's dad: on Rowena or Jean Louisa Kelly?
grandpa: well i did sneak around the house not letting your mother know i was watching Uncle Buck while she was in the kitchen shaving. shaving cinnamon. i wish i had MY OWN Rowena who would be MY muse for MY opera. a Rowena who would sing MY songs. a Rowena who understands my work, who appreciates my work, who validates me.
dad: you could have had a secret life mom and i never knew about, even though you came home every night.
grandpa: my own private Rowena...
Iris: what's this secret symphony you're working on? Ravishing Rowena Revue?
Mr. Holland shuffling sheet music: oh that's nothing, named after a Norse troll, Rowena, ugly ogre.
Jean Louisa Kelly: you see what i did there at the start of the greasy-spoon scene? i fixed my hair behind my ear as a way of subtly flirting with my teacher.
Rowena: i don't want to work at a Don's Plum or a Bob's Big Boy the rest of my life. i want to SING. which means we gotta leave together NOW on that bus!!!
Mr. Holland: but who'll fix me eggs at this diner if you leave? this is a nice diner, i'm not leaving this diner.
Rowena: would you leave your wife and kid for me?
Mr. Holland: wait, Ms. Morgan, what if you marry my son Colt. then we BOTH win.
Rowena: but your son can't hear me cum.
Mr Holland: okay, town, i'm gonna sing for you now with my bad voice with my apologies beforehand. just cover your ears and look at the flashing Close Encounters of the Third Kind lights. what i WILL do, crowd, is make each and every one of you in the audience CRY cos i'm about to sing John Lennon's "Beautiful Boy" to Colt...
Mr. Holland meets Rowena at the bus stop at night.
Rowena: you pack light.
Mr. Holland: i just brought my toothbrush for after.
Rowena: this is NOT how i thought it'd go. i thought all music teachers were handsy with their students. my life will be in complete disarray now that you've made this decision.
Rowena: kiss me. but not weird.
Mr. Holland: i want to kiss your mouth but i HAVE to kiss your cheek...
Mr. Holland: hey Rowena, why don't we both get THE BEST OF BOTH WORLDS? let's fuck ONE TIME at a motel next to this filthy bus stop and then you go and i go, you go on your way to New York and i go back to my dead-end job in this small town. and, you know, my wife and kid, i guess.
Rowena and Mr. Holland at the motel, both naked and both drinking soda wine. the two exchange leather toiletry bags.
Rowena: cum on my big tits.
Mr. Holland: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKKK
Rowena: i'm thinking you don't do this with your wife.
Mr. Holland sweating all over his hairy body: of course not. that was 30 years' worth of cum right there!!!
Takahashi: okay finally!!! we get to the '80s and '90s, the GOOD decades. the years you could finally get comfortable.
Eye: i never knew the '90s had so many goths in it. i wasn't paying attention back then, i was keeping my eyes closed that whole decade...
Jay the P.E. teacher: let's not turn this into an episode of Saved by the Bell at the end, okay?...
Wolters: music is a useless art. music is meaningless. the only thing that matters in life is long division. look at me, look how i turned out, because i never learned long division, i only learned short division.
at the Board meeting.
committee: you don't appreciate our financial situation, Mr. Holland. money.
Mr. Holland: TRY HARDER, TRYHARDS!!! hey i TAUGHT you, Committee Chair!!! you're getting an F from me which means you don't graduate high school which means you lose ALL your power, you little bitch.
Mr Holland: 30 years. 30 FUCKING YEARS of teaching and they throw you away like trash. have i made ANY IMPACT AT ALL in my life and career? or was it all forgotten yesterday?
Rod Serling: sounds like my "Changing of the Guard" script. or did you forget about that episode?...
Jay P.E.: are you sure you don't want any help?
Mr. Holland: let me teach the girls' beach volleyball team at this high school...
Mr. Kotter: you will NEVER teach my twins, Holland!!!
Rowena: wait, why wasn't I invited to this big final gathering?...
Iris: cos you don't have a cool old-timey tin crank camera like i do, you homewrecking hussy. you're lucky i don't END you, i was a Dick Tracy gangster moll. my son is DEAF, you theater skank.
Wolters: i still can't tell if the woman next to me is my wife, my sister, or my mother...
Alicia Witt: wait. oh, i get it now. that woman who's the governor of Oregon is ME as an adult. because she's the only person in Portland with red hair...
Mr. Holland: this is my orchestra pit? but it's just a hole in the floor...
Mr. Holland: a symphony with an electric guitar? that's ridiculous!!!
Metallica: ...
Mr. Holland: g'night folks.
Laertus's dad: okay, pop, i concede, this movie was good. but it was also corny. it was good AND corny.
Laertus's grandpa and Laertus's dad HUG FOREVER.
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