notes:
* Boogiepop Phantom (2000): Evening Shower, that is such a vibe...
* Luke Russert: it's more relaxing to do the groceries with $300 cash in my pocket, i don't have to think about anything, i freestyle it out there, i'm uncosncious in the aisles. i freeflow the peas. i'm able to splurge on a can of Pineapple Pepsi and a baggie of avocado slices. with $200 i still have to watch what i grab...
* Boc: yes, i pay six figures to keep my lawn super neon-green color. it's a super-testosterone thing for me...
* Bjork: i shoulda married Beck...
* British Open: the ticket is steep, it's expensive. not because of inflation. but it's worth it for those beautiful marijuana 97-degree-angle steep sidewall grilled-cinnamon-toast bunkers.
* Luke Russert: you're not an adult until you do the grocery shopping alone USING A CART, not a basket...
* Tommy Fleetwood: Fairway Jesus is real, Touchdown Jesus is just a mural...
* happily single: no such thing.
* Serano: i have expensive tastes so ironically i get the jamon iberico...
* Palma: we're gonna be co-ed next year...
me: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!!! why didn't you make this momentous decision when it would have MATTERED!!! when I was there!!! 20 years ago!!! useful much? would have saved me MUCH grief. pain, anguish, uncertainty, depression, directionlessness, rudderlessness. all those lonely nights. the heartaches. all those weekends when my head was throbbing and all my TheraFlu packets were empty. make the farmland tolerable. make the pastures bearable. make your cows shoot strawberry milk.
Roy Senegal in a frilly pink prom tux wanting to go BOTH to the mall AND a movie: ...
me: do you ever wake up and get the impression that the universe has been FUCKING WITH YOU YOUR ENTIRE LIFE?!!! I DON'T WANT TO PLAY ANYMORE!!! I DON'T WANT TO PLAY THE GAME ANYMORE!!! do you think they'll let me back in? i didn't exactly leave on the best terms. can i do high school over?
dad: ...
me: thank you for taking the bullet for me, dad. you were the Uther-Pendragon to my Arthur.
Roy: i shudder to think what Palma will look like with girls...
Notre Dame: we're not blending with Palma. we're gonna remain all-girls.........for some bizarre outdated religious reason.
* me: how sad is this. i used to have a BIG black lovable Labrador named Sandy i adored, i would hug his big neck all the time. and now i walk AROUND a big black dog on the sidewalk street.
Winston Churchill: ...
* Andy Kaufman: i'm a song-and-dance man. which necessarily requires me to not be funny...
* Starbucks Pink Drink: it just isn't a strawberry margarita, man...
* Kenergy: it's better to be cool, right?...
* Rickie Fowler: the P stands for Perfectionist...
* Qulipta.
husband: honey, are you getting your migraines back again?
wife: nah, just testing out the new Oculus Mark Z sent me in the mail.
husband: that Z is not what you think. how was it working with Tim Meadows?
wife: what?
husband: aren't you Lindsay Lohan? i just figured cos you're a ginger milf...
* Donald Faison: yeah they would never let me live in a neighborhood this nice...
Zach Braff: sorry, man.
* Progressive.
Dr. Rick: if a Wikipedia page doesn't have a status bar, just a search bar, ditch it, it won't get you likes.
man in iconic windbreaker: how do you slide into someone's DMs?
Dr. Rick: you can't unless it's Jane Fonda.
woman in iconic blue: a complete stranger has texted me 47 peaches. does this mean he likes my shapely butt?
Dr. Rick: no, he wants seconds of your peach cobbler.
Dr. Rick: do we really need 47 pics of Fun Dinner At Pam's?
Pam Hiltunen: yes.* Alfa Romeo.
Derek Jeter's wife: it's about heritage. Italy invented pizza. or maybe it was China. let's not talk about the Colosseum anymore, those were bloody times. this is what Anderson Cooper looks like with shaggy-dog hair. Mike Tyson is trying to rehabilitate his image, he's not dead, that's Norm.
happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: so many things this weekend. will Rory slip in there while the world is watching soccer and get that British Open again on what has become his home course? Brian Harman? Butch's son? bird poop is international. should KFC make pizza? will the United States lose to Vietnam again?...
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