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me: where the fuck have you been?!!!
Jen R: can't a person have a month off to go on vacation?
me: in the middle of summer?
Jen R: to enjoy herself for once?
Jen R and i are at Wimbledon of course.
me: oh fine. okay then, where did you go?
Jen R: i'm not telling. it's my little secret. everyone needs secrets or they can't live life.
me: did it ever occur to you that maybe I would want to go on this vacation with you? i have no life. i only have a life insofar as you allow me to go on your vacations with you.
Jen and i are at a little cute bowling alley within the grounds of Wimbledon. lawn bowling. in the background the song "In A Sweater Poorly Knit" by mewithoutyou plays...
Jen R: well we're here now aren't we. so let's enjoy ourselves. i'm looking to find some antique wheelchairs...
me: yes. let's play a little game.
Jen R: sounds sinister.
me: let's once and for all name the scores. like 6-0 6-0 is everything bagels.
Jen R: 6-1 6-1 is breadsticks.
me: what is 6-2 6-2?
Jen R: snakes. 6-3 6-3 is slinkies. 6-4 6-4 is pickleball paddles.
me: and 7-6?
Jen R: 69 cunnilingus, the most perfect sexual position of all time.
Lindy Lenz, Luke Russert, and i are at the grocery store supermarket.
Lindy Lenz: i see you still have that smoking burning husk of a leather grocery bag with you.
Luke: yeah i'm trying to rethread it into a weekender.
Lindy: so what's the verdict?
Luke: i waited for my tiny bottle of Tajin in the bulk mail for 6 months.
me: the seasoning or the fruit drink?
Luke: i wanted the butter but had to settle for the bottle.
Madame Pons: story of my life. there's Tajin bath bombs at LUSH, made by the creator of Flamin' Hot Cheetos.
Luke: i hated Tajin, within the next day i was already sick of it. sick of the lime. sick of that lime taste. i needed something sweet in my mouth.
Jen P: ...
Bjork: ...
Luke: so i spent the last of our money on a box of sugarcubes.
Lindy: great. so what do we do now?
Luke: how are your thumbs? we gotta hitchhike the rest of the way for the rest of our lives. have you sold your body before?
Lindy: um, no.
Luke: when people ask me what i do for a living, i tell them i'm a whore.........that NEVER stops being funny...
The Ice Cream Shop in San Francisco: when you wanna slurp The Rocketeer...
Jennifer Connelly: drown in the soupy-ice-cream whirlpool of my impossible tits...
Candace Bailey: yeah that's me in that IBM commercial.........with a British accent...
Maddy Keys: call me the new Jana Novotna...
Jess Pegula: well now that my Wimbledon is over i should check out Cafe Pergola...
black pudding: not pudding.
Sandy Yawn on Jen P's island: it's not a superyacht until Ron Palillo is on board. reality shows aren't boring, you just need the right people...
McEnroe podcast: we want John, not Patrick...
Eye Luggage: Boxing Helena and go.
Julian Sands: thank you everyone for coming out tonight on this literal middle day of summer, i really appreciate it. this cold evening of ours has turned warm. this whole thing sucks for me. ironically, California hadn't had RAINS like that for 300 years, i'm happy for California, i really am, i'm glad my home state is not in a drought anymore. all the reservoirs are filled to the BRIM. all the estuaries are now fjords. Los Angeles has SNOW?!!! that's RAD!!! but those rains are what prevented the rescue teams from getting to me on that craggy mountain when i fell down that canyon and slipped into that slit and am still falling down this chasm now forever.
Julian's son: you look better with a bald head, dad. i love you, papa. you were a nice man. and a nice artist.
Julian: so anyway, thank you again. if California had just been NORMAL i'd be alive today...
Jennifer Chambers Lynch: oh, so because i'm David Lynch's daughter i necessarily HAVE TO do all the weirdest bizarrest strangest outre-est darkest dankest most decadently disturbing shit in movies imaginable? i can't refuse, i can't say no, i must accept, to continue the family lineage. yeah i read the script and it's a HARD NO.
Eye Luggage: i wish my middle name was Chambers...
Jennifer Chambers Lynch: well, that sounds kind of terrible.
Cryptkeeper, the writer: but miss, don't look at it as amputee fetishism. see it more as a power struggle betwene a weak body and a weak mind.
Jennifer Chambers Lynch: wait, how can a film win the Palme d'Or at Cannes AND the Golden Raspberry award for the worst picture of the year?...
Julian: you gotta admit, this is a BRILLIANT title. boxing as in verbal boxing, verbal sparring, i'm constantly going up against Helena, going toe-to-toe with Helena, talking to her, trying to convince her i love her as she's putting me down, emasculating me with her every word. speak sparring. and then the physical box, i'm literally boxing Helena in by having her be a stump...
Mike Tyson: why wasn't there a "Boxing Helena" episode of Mike Tyson Mysteries?...
Cryptkeeper: yeah that's right, it's a BODY-HORROR MYSTERY, yeah that's it. with spooky atmospheric music in the background...
Cryptkeeper: and it's SEXY in parts!!!.........get it? parts...
Jennifer Chambers Lynch: this won't be what you THINK it is. I HAVE A POINT. and i had club feet so i feel that character. the Venus de Milo is not broken but DAMAGED...
Sherilyn Fenn: i don't mind being a bitch throughout...
Siskel: i liked it.
Ebert: you WERE always into gory pornography, Gene, that's the only thing i ever liked about you...
Misfits: just listen to the music, don't read our lyrics...
Zalman King: so this is a two-hour episode of Red Shoe Diaries?
Julian: yep. i TOLD you you should have cast me in your show, i got my revenge on you with this.
Zalman King: after i watched this i IMMEDIATELY wanted to turn it into a Showtime television series...
Julian: that would've been cool. a different blond man every week with a different statue from Antiquity. next week Kurt Cobain and Madonna as the Statue of David. the week after, Iggy Pop with Kim Basinger as the Statue of Alec Baldwin...
Julian: there's something so garish about old gothic Atlanta mansions.
Donald Glover: tell me about it.
Julian: it's not just a big personal mansion, the mansion has to be EXTRA big and wide and spacious, OBSCENELY big. this house is literally the Titanic ship...
Rubikon: slavetrading. slavery. colonization. slave labor. all these made that house possible.
father: son, don't interrupt me when i'm working. close the door. behind you. i mean before you.
Julian: whatcha working on, dad?
father: my fanfiction. are we on a cruise boat right now? this house feels like a cruise liner with many circular stairs...
mother: i'm not a whore. but i do enjoy sex. i never meant to have you, i never meant to have a child, you were an accident. i'm the idle rich, i was born to have orgies, sex parties, and lie on a boudoir bed naked with nothing but a tophat on...
Julian: thanks a lot, mom, now for the rest of my life i will be chasing you. i will try to find a woman in my adult years to REPLACE you, to be the surrogate for you cos you never loved me.
mother: i can tell you right now, son, that is a fool's errand...
Julian: i'm never gonna be happy, am i.
mother: no, but none of us will ever be...
Julian: please don't slap me, mom, it'll have MASSIVE repercussions later...
drunk uncle: one day ALL this will be yours...
Julian: okay but why i gotta be a doctor to have it? why can't i just be a trust-fund kid?...
at the outside funeral.
Betsy Clark hugging Julian's shoulder: hey, sorry about your mom, Nick.
Julian: no worries, she was religious, we're all religious around here, right? Deep South and all that, we'll be fine when we die. she's being wheeled into the ground and none of us humans have any IDEA what the hell's going on. listen, you're CUTE, you're STABLE, you're perfect wife material, but you're not the WOMAN OF PASSION i desire. you know? you're Lisa Kudrow but i need Monica...
Julian: this hospital is an episode of Grey's Anatomy filmed in a smoky room...
Roland Orzabal: okay THIS is the reason you watch this film.
Curt Smith: why don't i ever get to talk?...
Roland: hush, Curt, everyone thinks we're brothers. this movie was the first time you heard our masterpiece song "Woman In Chains," the most beautifully sad song of all time. right? those strains on your ears not any other body parts. Oleta's ancient voice enters your soul and hides there in your hobbit heart. and those Enigma "Sadeness" panpipes...
Julian: it's not creepy to spy on a half-naked woman through her library window in a tree, our ancestors did that all the time...
Laertus: wait, the other man is DANA CARVEY?!!!...
Art Garfunkel: come on, man, stop sending her flowers. get out of that raining phonebooth, it's starting to depress me, this is becoming La Bamba and the real Superman...
Art Garfunkel: nice party.
Julian: hello, Larry from Three Stooges, my best friend.
Art: no, i'm Art Garfunkel.........yes i'm REALLY Art Garfunkel.........this is what happens when Paul Simon breaks up with you...
Julian at the gigantic stadium bathroom mirror.
Julian: do i have something in my teeth? i better floss my hair and put on these teeth caps. should i continue writing naughty notes to Helena? waterpik my ears, insert earplugs, and i'm good to go...
Julian: hello, Helena. see what i did there? haven't seen you in AGES, how are you, my love? did you get all my stalker missives?
Sherilyn Fenn: yeah thanks for the invitation. i mean why did i fuck you ONCE in the first place?
Julian: you felt sorry for me.
Helena: you're a dork but you're a doctor, you know what i mean?...
Julian: which is odd because i'm dashing in my other films, for some reason my long golden locks here make me look like a spazz...
Sherilyn Fenn: why does the title of this movie sound like a '90s band?...
Trent Reznor: and now this becomes a scene from my "The Perfect Drug" music video. the green hedges at either side on a purple apocalyptic night.
Sponge: no this is our "Molly" video, the glistening Windex-blue pool at the massive mansion on the humongous hill, this is the same party...
Julian: damn, i KNEW i shoulda made that fountain my bathroom shower...
Julian: okay, Enigma, as Helena dances in the fountain water, do your magic, this is the spot for one of your ethereal electronica songs...
Wesley Crusher: hey doc, can i go home with Helena? she's something, boy, she's something else, she's something special.
Julian: she's a witch. but in a good way. she enchants.
crones Doryce and Gladyce: Helena is a member of our club because she's an enchantress AND all the monster stuff...
Julian: sure, go ahead.
Wesley: you're not sleeping with her?
Julian: no, she wouldn't let me see her bed...
Julian: i am OBSESSED with loving you. is that so wrong? is loving you a crime?
Helena: you're a joke. why couldn't you have been a fatter Robert Redford?
Julian: oh hello audience, i'm just here watching the fountain dance scene again of this very movie on this TV...
Bill Paxton: i can't believe i had to work out, bulk up, and get muscular for this.........i had to wear LEATHER PANTS for this.........i'm a respectable father in the HOA community, my butt chafes. i'm a vinyl collector but not like THIS...
Bill: Mexico? what's in Mexico?
Helena: the only way i'll win an Academy Award for this movie...
Julian: please my forever love, come up for one triangle sandwich and one papaya. take the stairs.
Helena: you didn't peek at my address book?
Julian: of course not, beloved. pink pages, right?...
Helena: i can't believe you were TWO MINUTES LATE picking me up form the airport!!!
Julian: next time, just take my private jet...
Julian: Helena, you must listen to me!!! this is important!!! don't storm off!!! but if you feel you still must storm off do it in the direction of my pool like in Sunset Blvd, not the busy freeway road, in either case that first step is a doozy...
Smokey the Bear: i mean SHIT, THAT's a hit-and-run if i ever saw one...
everyone: thank you for NOT SHOWING IT...
Helena: i got no more legs?!!! don't make me a prisoner in your house, a house prisoner, making it so i'm invalid and invalid and can't move a muscle to escape free. promise me you won't do this to my arms.
Julian: don't worry, this is all a dream.
Helena: what?'
Julian: nothing.
Helena: the least you can do is make my wheelchair out of a SOFT material instead of fucking WOOD!!! i got SPLINTERS down my ass!!!
Julian: oh you like that wheelchair? it's my Little Rascals throwback...
Dirg: wait, how are they doing this? showing Helena's half-body with Sherilyn's full body?
Takahashi: how soon ye forget. remember PHOTOSHOP?!!!
Dirg: i was focusing too much on her body...
Julian to Helena: if you don't love me, i swear to god, i'll leave this house!!!
Helena: take a hike.
Julian: I'LL DO IT!!! don't tempt me, I'LL DO IT!!!.........you'll never see me again...
Julian: i can stay inside this house FOREVER taking care of you FOREVER. i don't ever need to go out, i got DoorDash. mail is for chumps, throw it all away. i never NEEDED to work, i only worked cos i was BORED...
Betsy: Nick, where have you been? you haven't been at the hospital for 6 years. are you okay?
Julian: don't worry about me, baby. it's not you, it's just that that hospital is a dump.
Julian: iced coffee?
Alan Palmer: you got any Nescafe?
Julian: Nescafe is not TECHNICALLY coffee.
Michael Stipe: ...
Alan: so you'll give me the recommendation?
Julian: don't worry, i'll send it by Federal Express.
Alan: i was never here, DUMBASS...
Helena: you were a terrible lover. you're a loser lover. you can't fuck!!! you lasted TWO SECONDS with me!!! you were unable to cum and had to call your doctor.
Julian: because i was nervous. everyone gets nervous around their soulmate. it's a scientific fact that it's impossible to fuck your soulmate, everyone only last two seconds. because all the guilt and embarrassment start seeping in.
Helena: you're pathetic.
Julian: i don't want to discuss such disgusting things with you. sex has NO PLACE when it comes to true love.
Jennifer Chambers Lynch: you gotta admit, this is HILARIOUS. see? there are, unbelievably, genuine moments of COMEDY in this. when Betsy outside lowers her head RIGHT as Helena is wheeling in in the inside pleading and motioning for help, that is LAUGHS.
Betsy: why is your phone off the hook? why is the phone line ripped out of the wall?
Julian: i'm getting MCI.
Betsy: just relax as i blowjob you.
Julian: i'm sorry.
Betsy: it's okay. it happens. these things happen. i still love you. i can nurse you back to health.
Julian: i'm sorry i couldn't cum for you, Anne. but think about it, this means i don't love you...
Anne: i will always love you, Nick. i will always love you in your tighty-whities. i love the man inside those undershorts.
Julian takes Anne by the shoulders.
Julian: Betsy, i get it. i really do. i'd be mad at me, too. LIVID. you give me nothing but kindness and compassion and i can't reciprocate.
Betsy: i don't get it. it's like i'm Emilie Ikeda, right? to EVERY MAN ON THIS EARTH Emilie Ikeda is the perfect woman. it doesn't get better than Emilie Ikeda!!!
Julian: i know, i agree with you.........if only Emilie Ikeda had been my mother...
Julian: go ahead, SCREAM!!! SCREAM!!! SCREAM!!! it'll all get drowned out in the rain, no sound penetrates a hard falling rain. ain't rain grand?...
Horshack: go head go head.
Helena: i'm not gonna shout, i'll get rain in my mouth.
Julian: i want to be a better lover for you, Helena. so i need to practice. i called up a hooker to come over to the house for some night school.
Helena: don't forget to slip these two birthday dollars your grandma gave you in the whore's belt.
Nicolette Scorsese: alright let's just get this over with. this is all i'm good for in Hollywood apparently. god forbid i play Lady Macbeth or something.
Julian: can we do it in the library? i have a fetish: making love in a library.
Nicolette Scorsese: just one? reading books will NEVER be replaced...
David Byrne in the mansion library dancing with a GIANT big-ass library lamp: need a little light on the subject?...
Julian: crank that Enigma music UP!!!...
Julian: how was Chevy Chase?
Nicolette Scorsese: really really really RAGEFUL sex...
Jennifer Chambers Lynch: you gotta admit, it was clever how we REVEAL Helena not having arms. i make the audience WAIT WAIT WAIT, Nick blocking Helena, until...
Eye: it HITS like a lead balloon.
Mardith: when Helena as a stump starts drinking the orange juice from the champagne carafe, i got funny-bone HIVES. it was like a steampunk fever dream.
Cryptkeeper: it's not grotesque, it's poetic. it's not mutilation, it's magic...
Helena: a woman must be held. a woman must remain a mystery. like, she still brushes her hair with her abusive mother's hairbrush, somehow, with no arms. mostly just do nothing as the woman touches herself. it's better for all involved if the woman touches herself to completion without you touching her at all...
Jen Pizarro: Sherilyn Fenn has MY butt with Jennifer Connelly's tits...
Bill Paxton: if you tell me where Helena is i'll make it worth your while.
grocery-store clerk: TWO DOLLARS?!!! what you playin at boy.
Bill: but it's a 2-dollar bill, very valuable...
Bill Paxton: your're a SICK FUCK. see? i'm the audience here. i'm what the audience is thinking...
Julian: you like all the pretty fragrant flowers in your hospital room i sent you?
Helena: they're speaking to me, they're the last song Kurt Cobain sang on Unplugged in New York...
Betsy: come find me.
Julian: after i find myself...
Jennifer Chambers Lynch: don't you love how we just boldly went HEADLONG into the It Was All A Dream ending?...
Julian Sands: once again, thank you all for coming. it means the world to me. i thank you. thank you God for my life. g'night folks.
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