HOLLYWOODLAND HOTEL: FINSTA (AUDITIONS DON'T TAKE A VACATION)

 

Chevy Chase: i'm sorry but the one place we didn't visit on our vacation in the green-eyed-monster station wagon was Deer Park Monastery, the whole point was California! it's hidden but not that hidden. we as the Griswolds all pay our deepest respects to Thich Nhat Hanh i hope i'm pronouncing that correctly.

Thich's casket is open for a month and shimmers in full soul-body with every eye laid on him by those in line. the monks are there. the two monks.

Cotard: take off the Will Ferrell San Diego tourist shirt, brother. monks are monks whatever the denomination. what are you doing to honor him? i'm eating plums all day.

Codrus: i'm eating deer all day.

Dirg: i'm finally ending the Vietnam War.

Thomas Merton enters the obscure dusty church on his knees, he is wailing tears. Tom presses his hand against the ring light in the centre of the altar turning its angle of degree ever so slightly that it transforms into the blue-paned circle window on the side.

Merton: OH MY FRIEND. Thich the man taught me everything i know. but Thich the soul-body taught me everything i knew. sorry i got ticks in my bald head, no combs allowed in the cell. i cringe at the fact i wasn't able to honor him, i still haven't shut down all the electric chairs in California, i know the pain of electrocution.

Dao Vu from The Daily Buzz kisses Merton on the tongue and the two leave Thomas walking out on his knees.

Merton: my girlfriend here and i will plant as many treehouse trees as are necessary to lift every monastery up out of the ground. financially. and also because California is crumbling under constant landslides and earthquakes. 

Tom Brady: i got 3 BodyGlove wetsuits left. one for my man Holt Hanley. one for Jimmy G. one for Cork and Russ Lesser at the Manhattan Beach Baywatch shack.

The Pillow Guy: you don't need a wetsuit, you just need to strap a pillow to your butt and trust God will carry you over the waves.

Brady: bro you running for mayor of the town of McCheese.

Elle from Blade Runner: Black Lotus: gas chamber? oh it's a good gas chamber, the gas is pink.

Elle: that all-white doll is supposed to be a superior model to me? but she got no tits!!!

Lil Wayne: wet beats? what is this, anime? that's bad, Strahan.

Michael Strahan: hey man I WENT TO SPACE!!!!!

Tyzik: why does the Power Rangers Mystic Force theme song sound like a 2 Live Crew song?

Nico Robin: why do i look like Michael Jackson?

Michael Weiss: Wendys, why do you offer Coke for breakfast? and why is Breakfast Coke necessarily Diet Coke?

The Major from Ghost In The Shell: i'm a big fan of Archer, especially when Malory talked about eternity...

Dirg: that vaping-commercial ginger redhead babe. when she talks about her clearer future ever since she ditched the vape, Truth, don't you want to scoop her up and be her boyfriend guiding without juicing her on that better future? or is that just me? she has such sad eyes that are beckoning me.

Ralph Bakshi: i want credit for that Smiling Friends princess-bomb episode. that psycho candlewax-dripping-skin hobbit was MY design!!!

Dirg: take a look at that very last shot of the last episode of Squidbillies. the dark-blue sun and the moon. those aren't craters on the moon, those are multicolored splotches. the Squidbillies came from the moon.

Joe Rogan: step into the squared circle with me, old man.

Neil Young: bro, if I don't think you're cool, you're not cool.

speedskater: i HAVE to be in the Olympics. you have to give up your spot, i'm already in the Xfinity commercials...

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: i'm like a better-looking blonde version of Linda Hamilton.........who just returned all her KISS albums for Rasputin store credit.

Nancy Grace: my husband is not a beta, it's just i like my men to be kept-boys. i'm the one who answers the door late at night when the solar-panel people come...

Doryce: Sip Club, sexual, involving the tongue, not involving free coffee, but involving hot coffee... 

Bob Saget: you gotta be who you are. i just WASN'T the dad on tv despite my haircut. i had a dirty soul, eventually your personality comes out whether you want it to or not. usually when the footlights are turned off.

Gladyce: I'M ORGASMING!!!

Doryce: YOU?!!!

Gladyce: try these FROZEN ORANGE SLICES.

Doryce: omg you're right. now i know why people like soccer.

aesthetician: i put people under with my paintings. i don't paint their bodies when they're asleep. i'm not another beauty expert on youtube, i love Fine Art!!! fine fucking art!!!

Laertus: i don't like Yellowstone, it's gonna get Bump reelected. well-written westerns are dangerous.

Maiara Walsh is going to the chiropractor for the very first time and is hesitant and nervous.

Maiara: doc, listen. i'm not into all this western medicine but Hapka is your apprentice so he put in a good word. the circus in Brazil i'll be starring in is completely outdoors in the jungle so i need to build up my immunity to foreign agents. i can't flip in the air if i can't flip my brain. 

Gregory House: ...

Maiara: whoa is that really you?!!!

House: i'm gonna manhandle every limb in your body, including your Brazilian butt. but it's not sexual, look at my hand as i mold your body like clay, see the ring on this finger?

Maiara: Cuddy?

House: she made me sign an NDA. i CANNOT divorce her for any reason no matter what. 

Maiara gets on the table but before Greg can touch her she starts to glow in her outline from head to toe, a warm blue-yellow light. she starts to swing flat, shaking her hips side to side.

Maiara: whoa it's my soul body! it's moving on its own! i can't stop it it's starting to do a hula dance!

House: you don't need me you've been cured all along! but wait let me try ONE thing.

House grabs Maiara by an obscure bone in the back.

Maiara: whoa i've never had that tendon on my neck touched before. even by me in the shower. wait hold on...

CRACK

Maiara: holy fuck that was wild. i think i blacked out for a nanosecond. it's like you're snapping my neck but it ends up the only way to keep my head from going insane from midnight anxiety. that's a raw deal. 

Jillian Clare and NoizeBoy are in a circular yurt in the Joshua Tree desert. Bono is sleeping outside the yurt and refuses to wake up till he gets called by another name.

Bono: preferably Morrissey.

Jillian: your phone is ringing.

NoizeBoy: no that's your phone, remember? my phone is now your phone.

Jillian: an ex?

NoizeBoy: no a y, i understand your rules. and the assignment of being your boyfriend. all these little TVs strewn around our bunker here. look i really want you to go on Jeopardy now that it's over for Amy, i want you to start your OWN streak, i'm not just saying that, you can do it, you've got the curriculum chops.

Janice Hawthorne Timm: yeah i wasn't really part of the story. despite my gilf tits.

Bruce Timm: hi mom. put on the Catwoman suit.

NoizeBoy: your knowledge is broad like your body.

Jillian: hips get tips. it's fucking freezing out here!

NoizeBoy: oh so those WERE your large puffy nipples. i honestly thought that was the cratered-crescent-moon necklace gifted to you by Mardith. 

Jillian: it's too cold to solve a murder mystery!

NoizeBoy: there's a lot of tiny notebooks strewn around, and old ham-radio speakers. but basically all you need to know about the clues are...

Jillian: ...if they're in Wordle i can solve them in my sleep. there's a worm in your pants. a desert worm.

Bono: it was me. i did the murders. Butler, hey that's a good name for me!

Jillian: this is the perfect place for you to bust out your black lacquer guitar and play a few power chords to the cactus lizards Johnny-Depp-style.

NoizeBoy: there's one mystery i still haven't figured out.

Jillian: i'm way ahead of you.

Jillian crawls on her knees through the chimney flue which is their front door to outside and looks up shielding the sand from her eyes with her hand.

Jillian: there! see?

she touches the giant inflatable balloon Pepsi can and turns it into a Coca Cola Classic red-can giant balloon inflatable whipping in the high winds.

the crones smile internally.

NoizeBoy kisses Jillian on her trembling lips.

Jillian: i'm starting to gain REAL power here, the vote is imminent. i feel strength-lightning coursing through my bones. i just hope i'll be responsible with it.

Suzy Lu: so Kakashi, remember that whole Ricola quest?

Kakashi: oh yeah i forgot about that! let's see where were we? where'd we leave off? of course. so i needed to collect sage, cowslip, horehound, and burnet. each had their own wacky adventure. the only Sage Mode i know is the blonde lady.

Suzy: the Hokage with the big tits? that's my dream to reach her level. i look exactly like Tsunade.

Kakashi: cos Naruto isn't a Sage yet in this timeline now. Tsunade slapped me in my face and it hurt even with my mask on. she finally got sober when i told her i would rob a bank to get her gambling fees all square with Tony Soprano. the two of them had a nice late heavy dinner which she survived cos her pet is an eel. for cowslip i dressed up as that female Disney cow Clarabelle cos i had to get Goofy to fuck me. unfortunately only John Candy was at Disneyland that day so i robbed him with a gun.

Suzy: wait aren't ninjas supposed to NOT use guns?

Kakashi: John Candy is actually made of candy and being the nice amenable Canadian man that he is he lent me his body for the Ricola which is just candy anyway. my slip fell in a puddle, Marilyn Monroe retrieved it picked it up and called me a whore. i couldn't argue with her on that cos she had just penned that poetic treatise Wolves I Know.  

Kakashi: at least i didn't have to cross the puddle on my slip, ninjas aren't coordinated like that. finally i gave away all my ninja-dogs for adoption cos i developed a debilitating dog-food habit. don't worry, the sting is out of it, all the dogs are back in my apartment.

Suzy: you're sharing Naruto's apartment, huh. my messy Kakashi.

Kakashi: yeah but he's cool about it. it's a little weird living with your teacher. all i need to do to recoup the salary of this salaryman named Kakashi over here *points at himself* is win Survivor on CBS. EASY for a ninja...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Brainy Smurf: the wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald...

Gordon Lightfoot: ...

Alex Trebek: i was aboard that ship when i was young...

Eye: National Lampoon's Vacation and go.

John Hughes: my novella "Vacation '58" started it all. the all franchise.

Laertus: it's more of a short story but okay.

Garp: bless him.

Hughes: there's a great picture of my whole family that accompanies my story, a great drawing illustration, it's so MAD Magazine, when MAD still did oil paintings...

John Hughes: this is EXACTLY what happened to me as a kid when my family drove me and my sister around in a crazy station wagon cross-country to...hey it's supposed to be Disneyland. Walley World? really? 

Harold Ramis: have you ever had Disney sue your ass? your ass becomes REAL skinny. for the film to be Disney-sanctioned we would have had to cut all the swearing, sex, nudity, and harmless Satanism. in other words, all the fun. remember, this was before PG-13, despite everything this movie was PG...

Bob Saget: Cut It Out

Clark Griswold: we coulda just taken a plane. or a vessel. or a sip ship. but that would have been a boring movie.

Deen from Mr. Maldark's class: i would have liked it better, i consider this movie a horror film.

Laertus's dad: there's gonna be a lot of me here, this movie hits my pit. the Intellivision graphics!

Takahashi: okay we have to talk about the Wagon Queen Family Truckster. this thing is a dime! it's a classic. i mean it's got four-eyes, this car wears glasses! i can relate as can all nerds. it's got the gas-tank in the front next to the rearview mirror, that makes it cool, innovative, and safer. Metallic Pea, that was my band in college.

Beverly D'Angelo: i don't get the premise of this film. i'm WAY hotter than Christie Brinkley! to start with, right? so what's the problem. compare my shower scene with naked Christie in the pool, my tits are more mature, more loving, they've been around the block. they're mom-tits that always point down. smooth and compact cos they know bumps. i have staying power unlike some cheap floozie in a red car who leaves at the first sign of trouble and/or no makeup!

Homnibus: psycho hobbit shower scene...

Anthony Michael Hall: i won't be this cocky soon. when you grow up, to be a teen, your world comes crashing down. adulting is hard, your wife betrays you for a robot...a wife who looks like Beverly D'Angelo my mom, very Freudian...i wish i still had braces...

Dana Barron: i was the lucky Audrey Griswold. the other one played Max P. Goofy on that Disney cartoon and died at a painfully early age. that's the thing with fame, you're allowed to be a star but that star shines so bright it explodes. that's a raw deal. she had a disease which made her look young so the cops thought she was driving with a stolen license and would never serve her alcohol.

Imogene Coca: how did i go from serious stage singer respected for my dramatic three-tone voice to getting the best laugh in this movie? when i shrug and eat the dog-pee sandwich.

Randy Quaid: this was when i was normal. which was still kinda off.

Brian Doyle-Murray: did i seem deflated during my scene as the camp counselor? i was worried the whole time on set about Belushi...

Lindsey Buckingham: i have SO much to say to Kenan Thompson. yeah the "Holiday Road" song that's stuck in your head and you don't know why, that was ME!!! my original song, how about that. my most famous song actually, nobody remembers any of my, er, group work. i needed a doctor after Mac. everyone thinks Stevie wrote all the Fleetwood songs.  

Stevie Nicks: big sigh. this soundtrack song of yours got so popular i actually had to cover it, i performed it live during my Vegas residency which wasn't canceled. i sang "Holiday Road" for Open Mic Night and that was the roughest night of my life, not any of your sex.

Rusty: dad let me handle this, i know cars, i'm gonna be a garage mechanic when i'm a teen so i can destroy with a wrench that robot that sweet-talks my wife away from me on Caprica.

Eugene Levy: speaking of steals---sorry kid---you can trust me, kid! doesn't this metalyard look like a Transformers homebase?

Rubikon: this is so weird to see. race relations were so easy back in the '80s, white people and black people were just cooler with each other, everybody knows their place in the joke, the black neighborhood is a place for rib tips and stealing rims and spraypainting HONKY LIPS on the wagon and the family doesn't mind. it's all so lax and easy-going.

Chevy: what it is. i didn't want to say that. i wanted to call them brothers.

Clark: i just got shot in a saloon. don't worry kids, it's chill, this was a real gun, the one later will not be real.

Christie Brinkley: let's do a deep dive on my character. for a while there you thought i wouldn't get any lines, huh. but i do, i can SPEAK! and speak quite well thank you. my character is a powerful symbol of every middle-aged man's regret. the philosophical alternate timelines. i am what Chevy Chase could have if he doesn't get married and have kids. it's every old man's dream to chase. to start over, pretend they're not attached, not committed, and can run free as a naked manchild again. 

Takahashi: but that car tho.

Christie: right? think back to the '80s, the Ferrari was simply The Car, the car in every boy's dream of one day owning. they knew if they had The Car they would land the supermodel for the wife. especially in Encino. i know there was a black one but the red Ferrari is all anyone remembers.

KITT: ...

Laertus's dad: a Ferrari with one of those mini-arcade-cabinets of Pac-Man in the back, those boxes were so cool, it was this game the size of a shoebox with a tiny screen and a little joystick with a red ball that all boys used to learn to drive.

Laertus: was that fruit punch or blood in that pitcher? dirty hand.

Dirg: don't make fun of the redneck hicks, they're more American than you. hey no-meat hamburgers, that's your specialty!

Laertus: her daughter doesn't have a tongue?

Dirg: will help her out when she meets Garp.

Laertus: OMG THAT'S JANE KRAKOWSKI!!! i had a faint inkling i recognized that blonde girl in the overalls but...that is wild.

Madame Pons: hey kid don't start masturbating to a magazine, that will never be a substitute for love. just a subscription that gets renewed against your will. pot on the other hand is a good way to mellow out when the world becomes unlivable in the 2020s.

Audrey: come to California with me, your marijuana is gold over there!

Cousin Vicki: no way! i'm a small wonder over here! i get ALL the share in stocks and bonds over here, this farm is mine in a few years...

Alex Trebek: the dog watches Wheel of Fortune?!!! come on! at least play Wordle which is Wheel of Fortune for sophisticates.

Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: thank you!

cat familiars: NO WAY! no more killing of innocent animals for cheap laughs! too much stress. we turn off this ghastly movie NOW!!!

Chevy: let me just rob this entire till of all the cash, it's an antique till made of gold so it won't mind.

kids: does Monument Valley have a McDonalds and a Starbucks?

Ellen: the Magic Fingers bed in this hotel is so '70s.

Chevy: yeah, unfortunately i left the last quarter on the Pac-Man mini-cabinet.

Chevy: son i'm very depressed right now.

Rusty: why is that?

Venture Bros: ...

Chevy: cos i had you. and your sisters. and your mom. and your dog. and your cactus. sorry, cacti. you want to avoid a dead-end life like mine? next time you find yourself abandoned and alone in the desert like this, you must go to Burning Man, that's the ONLY place to find an interesting wife and an interesting life.

Rusty: good talk, dad.

Aunt Edna: if i die tarp me to the roof of the car and drive up a rainbow till my lips touch a cloud, that's when i'll know i'm reunited with my dog. don't pull any of that liberal Weekend at Bernie's crap with my corpse in the rain, this ain't sophisticated like Blade Runner.

Ellen: i'm better at skinny-dipping than Christie Brinkley, have you seen Hair?

Chevy: okay gang, we're here, let's sing the Walley World song right as we pull into the parking lot. small parking lot they got here.

Ellen: my voice is not meant for kid songs, it's meant for political ballads.

Bullwinkle: Walley World will be hearing from my lawyers...

Ellen: let's not do this, Clark, this is Magic Mountain and despite that shower scene i don't want to do a Van Nuys Blvd.-style semi-porn.

Cynthia Wood: half-porn, there were no semis on set.

Clark: honey, you and the kids mean everything to me. you're my only wife, Ellen. that time i almost drove the car into a horrible intersection accident on the road it wasn't a pact i was just sleepy, like literally snoring on the steering wheel. it's a cautionary tale to never dream and drive. 

John Candy: i know that isn't a real gun, mister, it still has the tag on it.

Chevy: yeah i'm a dangerous tagger who will graffiti this whole park!

John Candy: i've been playing along cos i groove along to get along. my mantra is Bob Marley. Bob Marley was the original spirit animal. i'm just joshing you the whole time. shit, turns out these rollercoasters weren't good for my heart...

Justin Bieber: oh sure when i get swatted the cops don't do shit. but they go to Disneyland with a quickness.

Chevy Chase: one word: NOSTALGIA.

Walt Disney: i never wanted to get into the amusement-park business. but i had to make money. i wanted to be an artist, a serious painter, look at my Salvador Dali mustache.

Rubikon: for future reference, Mr. Old Money Disney, my white papa, have security guards at the park, not police at the park. and that Snow White ride that takes place entirely in a cave, you might want to rethink that.

Walt: is it dwarfs or dwarves? and is it den of opium or den of orgy? they're cave dwarfs but they're not cavemen. they're sophisticated. they have a lot of inhuman monster sex with the cavewalls dripping water but they're not gay, they're brothers. g'night folks. g'night children..........where the fuck is Tinkerbell?