Robin Gregory: you think i don't see the shit in front of me? the shit going on?!!! yes i'm an artisan from Carmel. but NO it's not magic cos it's Carmel, it's magic cos of my fairies. you know what fairies' favorite food is? harira. made with a sprig of Skittles lime to make it back to original. Obec did the right thing banning Clint Eastwood the man with the right stuff from ever being mayor again...
Boris Johnson: drinks? for drinks?!!! we're English we have garden parties!!! with pandoro!!! Alice was NOT invited to my backyard!!! Alice was escorted away by centipede!!!
Doryce: Mardith's not here at the Treehouse. no strange men coming to our door unexpectedly at 2AM banging our knob with food in bags.
Gladyce: but i thought you liked that sort of thing, dear.
M&S Building Supply: Amish lumber, Amish power tools, Masochism & Sado
Hagar the Horrible: why me?
God: why not?
Hagar: i like Biden. he tells long rambling scroll stories the way Vikings do...
Alana Haim: think about it, from the moment the idea is hatched in the head to when the film debuts in theatres, it takes 20 years...20 years...
Takahashi: the only time i eat onion is at In N Out Burger...
Dirg: why do all the grade-school skate punks end up in wine?
R.E.M.: nobody in our band eats Subway...
Nick on the Doctor Who New Year's special: no one knew who i was. i walked on set and nobody had a clue. but i didn't care. i lived my dream. i starred in a fecking Doctor Who episode!!!
Chris Chibnall: i love wordplay.
JD Vance: say what you will about me. but you do NOT touch my art, stranger.
Michael Weiss: the tragedy is you may really be trying to know someone on Instagram but they think you're just spam...
Elle from Blade Runner: Black Lotus: i have a butt.
Martin Scorsese: can you imagine if Taxi Driver made a billion dollars at the box office?
Jodie Foster: i'd be messed up. MORE messed up. i somehow managed to navigate being a child star...
Martin: why do people like dumb explosions more than art?
Sunday Scaries: not fear of blacking out and not remembering, not fear of not being sober, fear of school on Monday...
The Simpsons staff: it's depressing working on this show now. every Sunday night we scan the evening paper waiting for the next celebrity to die so we can place his name and Simpson-fied character on a black obituary card at episode's end...
Courtney Gains: i just go to horror cons the rest of my life, those are my gains. there is no corn in my teeth...
Ariel Winter: i got healthcare, y'all...
Roman Baths at Somerset: *turning the thermal* only we can get away with green water...
Emma Raducanu: i'm a jock. look i'm scared of dying early. too much too soon. i'm just a jock.
Maiara Walsh: you need to speak with me, dear. we could be sisters...
apple flaps: not the vagina
Laertus: why does Fox News always take ownership of EVERY SINGLE Golden Age Hollywood star when they die?
Joe Pera: the grocery store in the music video to Jane's Addiction's song "Been Caught Stealing", that was the same store i shopped in for my grocery episode.
Betty White: i'm in that Jane's music video, too, dancing.
Laertus's dad: no that's the Pic-N-Save corner mart from my childhood. i stole a bottle of Vanquish from there.
Laertus: i always thought that video ended outside in the night...
Yoda: Hapka is stoic but he can never be as stoic as me. take care of yourself and each other. except my brother.
Doryce and Gladyce: we will NEVER drink Red Bull to fly! no to crone cola!
Rubikon: i would be TERRIFIED if as a kid a cop came to my birthday party with cake...
the captain of her heart: hello. my name is Amal Clooney...
NoizeBoy: you know what i can't resist about you?
Jillian Clare: my power.
NoizeBoy: no your Bert-from-Bert-and-Ernie eyebrows.
Jillian: look man we gotta make this Disneyland pizza better. you can't be a coward about it. no sweet pizza allowed.
NoizeBoy: okay man, fine, no more churros in the pizza dough. what shall we make the crust out of o baker?
Jillian: burnt toast.
Kakashi scrolling an actual scroll made of beige paper: the Smurf monks gave me this scroll to keep track of things. okay let's see here. next on the list. oh this'll be an EASY quest this week! it's just peppermint and thyme! easily available and ready!
Suzy Lu: don't be so sure, babe. Christmas is over, no more peppermint.
Kakashi: let me visit Mrs. Claus again...
but after everything that happened, all the scandal in the snow, Mrs. Claus was not at the North Pole anymore, the divorce happened, she absconded with her peppermint walking cane. she ran way with an elf but that was frowned upon in 47 countries so she remains a fugitive...
Kakashi: an elf blew me for the peppermint. he said my ninja cock reminded him of a curved peppermint cane.
Suzy Lu: you can't be a coward about it, mate. every man and woman on this green Earth has had their dick sucked. what were you thinking about during the blowjob? me?
Kakashi: no i kept thinking about that LOVELY picture of Mary Elizabeth McGlynn and Steve Blum alone together on a volcano in Hawaii, that picture gives us ALL hope.
Suzy: right, the world is doomed but we always have to remember that this OTP SUPERCOUPLE OF ALL TIME is still in the world!!! living their lives, spreading their anime magic.
Kakashi: as for thyme, i'm pooped after that. time stood still for me there. after a rest i reached my dead father in the underworld. he didn't give me any advice about the Exact Nature of Time, he just wanted me to tell him another damn story by the campfire. my story was called Exact Nature Of Time but it was just a song played on a kanji...
Kakashi: when he wasn't looking i pulled down my dad's pants. that sent such a shock into that outside room it jolted Time back to some semblance of normalicy. Time became the time. the time became normal time. i got it, i got it Now.
Maiara Walsh and Mesay are squatting outside in front of the Ewok Copper Bubble high up in the treehouse high up in the tree in Smurf Forest. all the Ewoks are gathered round. the couple wear matching black jeans with frayed holes at the knees.
Ewoks: how smurfy!
Mesay: you are too good-looking, Maiara. no i'm serious, i can't look at your face. when i look at your face my face starts shaking.
Maiara: Mesay and i just came back from taking in a film, I Carry You With Me. it was rapturous and romantic and about the sexiest language of them all, Spanish. Spanish is second, Portuguese is primera. Mexican is multitudinous. Portuguese is pretty. we all strive for a love like those two Mexican men. who at one time or another had to hide each other inside their bodies to cross the border.
Mesay: Mai i can't take it, you tempt me when you slap your butt. cos you're slapping a Brazil butt!
Maiara: we invited the Ewoks into our bedroom, our love chamber in there, to witness our lovemaking. because i believe in teaching the universe love. the Ewoks generously offered in recompense glass bottles of their...oh god is this?...this is blue milk, right? not blue cum? like you we have reached the end of the quest and seek new adventure. new roads. we have crossed the rubicon threshold of Blowing Up The Death Star, now what?
Mesay hands Maiara a stick.
Mesay: hold onto the other end of this stick.
the stick flies up into the sky with the two holding on...it was an acrobat's stick...
Mesay: what are your resolutions?
Maiara: yeah now see i have a different definition of time than you. and everyone else. i don't think like that. i don't separate years into 2021 and 2022. goals. objectives. i see time as one continuous throughway...
Maiara: ...you can't be a coward about it, you must see time as a continuous throughway where we're always improving ourselves.........
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Paul Thomas Anderson: oh the lead singer of Hum and i were just hanging out...
Cooper Hoffman: the greatest day of your life is when you meet your future wife.
Alana: who are you referring to here? Kane or Haim?...
Eye: Breaking the Waves and go.
Mitchell Goosen: ...
Lars von Trier: i'm an atheist but it's a miracle this thing got made. i lost interest in it right after we started shooting.
Laertus: yeah see that's the deathknell pun intended. that's the WORST time to lose interest. lose interest before the project gets funded by a ship captain. or AFTER the thing is in post-production sitting in some edit bay in the ocean. but not as the actors are just learning their lines...
Helena Bonham Carter: without me Emily Blunt has no career...
Eye Luggage: yeah that surprised me. why did you turn this down? you're supposed to be the strong goth queen soldier-warrior who cannot be bothered. cannot be fazed. it was just a little nudity.
Helena: yeah but it was Lars nudity.
Adam Sandler: i pray to Fuerza everyday to force serious directors to look directly into my eyes...
Emily Blunt: sorry but i was laughing throughout this while making of. especially when i said the word prick. it's such a dainty childish naive way to say penis. i'm half-laughing as i say it.
Eye, holding her belly: *giggling*
Takahashi: oh i love public pay-phones dotting the countryside! phone booths all along the rolling hills. waiting for a public-phone call. waiting for a public phone to ring.
Stellan Skarsgard: now do you recognize me? no not He-Man. i'm that guy at the end of Nymphomaniac! yeah! the asexual. man that ending was depressing! i coulda been a hero to a very misrepresented community! i was an atheist WAY BEFORE Lars. my ex is named My but i don't own her...
Megan Everett: the vasectomy tho. why? i wanted to have MANY children with you. the sex just isn't the same...
Stellan: sorry, Megan, but Eight Is Enough.
Lars: honestly if it had to be Scotland i really just wanted to do a movie on the origins of golf...
Katrin Cartlidge: we HAVE to talk me now. right? i'm the center stage to this whole endeavor. the whole shebang. this is my coming-out party but it's a TRAGEDY that i didn't live, i was one of the best actors of my generation. i would have been a damn-good director the likes of Paul Thomas Anderson. Paulina!
Stellan: you were a bitch to me on set the whole time.
Katrin: i know, that was my character.
Stellan: oh right, well in that case then right you were a good actress.
Katrin: i laid out sexy on my own terms. i looked up to the B&W sky. to find God to give my untimely end meaning.
Stellan: sorry, luv, no God.
Takahashi: Katrin, stick your beautiful nose in the spokes of the underbelly of this grey Nintendo cartridge.
Takahashi: there, now you'll live forever.
Gracie Gold: i'm not a bitch. if i hadn't snapped, if i wasn't snappy with the judges, i wouldn't have gotten myself out of suicidal ideation.
Laertus: i mean at least the psychiatry is more enlightened than the religion. but no shock beds.
Emily: this character is misogynistic.
Lars: no it's just me, remember? everyone misunderstands me. i'm not a misogynist, the self-sacrificing maiden who gives up her agency to help the men, this is the first time i'm writing a female lead...
Emily: i wasn't sure how to portray her, she had a disability? or was she just batty? mental or deeply religious? a bat or a believer? but with this performance i gave this heroine AGENCY. she was her own woman, strong inside. and as you'll see at the end, outside.
Lars: sorry but i like to have a bit of fun in my movies. i'm a jokester on set, prankster in periods. gotta have some comedy. that's why i bash the Calvinist religion, it's too damn serious. i made all religions phallocentric and dumb.
Dirg: that's your first clue: when you're talking to God and you have to do BOTH voices...
Bess: i'm childlike and impish.
Mardith: hey that friend of the groom looks like that guy who was in that episode of Workaholics on Comedy Central...
Dodo: what? my name is Dodo? really? but i'm the sharp tack of this bunch. my dialogue is angry and flows like wine. i don't trust you. she's not right in the head.
Jan: she's stronger than either of us.
Bess: your husband died.
Dodo: i know, that's why i stay on this godforsaken rock of an island. being a nurse. for YOU.
Stellan: no other man is gonna fuck you if you keep up with the holier-than-thou attitude.
Dodo: holier? but i'm a nurse. a scientist!
Mardith: that scream tho. when she screams at Jan hopping on the helicopter for work, that was a guttural scream. that was a pained shout. that was a visceral yell.
Emily: thank you.
Madame Pons: the relationship is not husband and wife, it's more like a twin flame. except Jan doesn't take it seriously. until it's too late. she simply CANNOT be separated from him.
Laertus: a metaphor for oil destroying the planet? i'm for this.
Lars: you gotta admit that's funny. black humour. i have Stellan in a full body-cast and he looks ridiculous.
Stellan: i didn't mind showing my penis to the world. that penis produced 8 lives. but that body cast STANK to high heaven!
Dodo: why'd you try to kill yourself?
Jan: i was just taking my Flintstone vitamins.
Dodo: we thought we had all had a laugh with that ridiculous wind-up toy and that meant we'd all live.
Madame Pons: that doctor does not belong in this film. the wavy-haired doctor, he belongs on a '70s soap. like Loving.
Dirg: that doctor has a LOT of will power. self-control.
Mardith: because he actually loves her not lusts her.
Adrian Rawlins: it was easy. in my job i see so many naked bodies during the day i don't need any at night. it's not like i'm gay or anything...
Gladyce: ugh, typical men. firstly the husband who debases his own wife for his own puerile needs. and then all those childish men in those tugboats.
Doryce: i mean they are longshoremen, what did you expect?
Eye: at least they don't actually SHOW the rape. just her bruises.
Popeye: leave me out of this...
Dodo: don't listen to your husband! he swallows Flintstones vitamins! he doesn't crush them with a spoon first!
Bess: you cannot love words. you most love another human being, that's the path to God.
Laertus's dad: despite this, son, i accepted your path to becoming a screenwriter...
Eye: ugh, and that mob of children at the end harassing pestering the poor "town whore". just leave her alone, stop bullying her. she's got problems, man, deep problems. and it SUCKS to see a girl in that group.
church elders: Bess cannot have a funeral. she left behind a too-beautiful corpse.
Laertus: not a fan of the different title cards with the progressive-rock music, it takes the audience out of it, interrupts the somber mood and atmosphere with dancing.
David Bowie: but...
Laertus: nevermind you're right Bowie.
David Bowie: sorry man but my song "Life on Mars" is a better fit for the last scene. it cuts with the landscape. the Scottish countryside is wild and untamed, the craggy hills, the brooks of stream. the muse of Romantic poets and writers. your song...
Elton John: is literally "Your Song".
Bowie: see? your song doesn't fit. the lyrics and everything. just doesn't fit.
Elton John: yeah you're right, Bowie.
Jan: medical technology, aye? it works wonders i just had to wait to get past the '70s...
Dirg: whoa. those huge mason bells ringing up there in the sky with no strings, floating in the clouds, is creepy. Satanic. freakier than the fox.
Bess: *hits blunt* so what's it all about then. what is my character? what does she do? how does she get over on everyone including God? despite being a "simple" woman. easy. her love is UNBOUND. she will do anything. ANYTHING. to keep her love. we all must do the same. we cannot be poltroons in our own lives, scared to try new things. scared to get out of our comfort zone. there is no dignity only drive. infatuated instinct. there's no one else coming through that door. the poorhouse and divorce court and mortuary on the hill are always right around the corner mart. love is all that matters. sustaining love is all that matters...
Laertus: i learned something this week. i cannot make a movie. you need thousands of people, and thousands of dollars, and thousands of shipping crates of cough syrup to make a movie. even if you follow the stoic rules. you cannot just do a movie using yourself and your Bob Saget camcorder. g'night folks.