notes:
* Fred Flintstone: i take my job as the Dallas Cowboys coach very seriously. each morning at the crack of dawn, not my butt crack, i have the men all line up at the quarry and they take turns crushing rocks with their calves and splitting boulders with their foreheads. afterwards i give them a little Monkey Butt to soothe their chafing. we don't drill for oil we drill for calamine. i use the pink Monkey Butt cos i like it satin smooth.
* Danielle Collins: the baby's coming whether i beat the hometown heroine or not...
* Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: what are we doing here, Steve?
Steve Blum: i know right.
MEM: i mean we live in a palatial chalet on a secret island of Hawaii where the water is always ice-blue and the palm trees plant humans in a glass pot of potting soil. we make beautiful music together...literally. i do the banjo power-chords and you do the lute bass.
Mlem: ...
Blum: in fairness YOU have the voice. people think I have the voice but YOU have the singing voice.MEM: why do we leave Hawaii?
Blum: cos we need to go to work in Texas to make money.
MEM: why does ANYBODY leave Hawaii once they step foot in its sands? sell your house in Peoria and stay here! this is literally what PARADISE looks like! you can't be depressed in Hawaii...
* Scott McNeil: why didn't you ever go for me, Mary Elizabeth? look at me, i got the cowboy hat and the python tats on my pythons. and i drink bubbles. i'm a big boy.
Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: too cheesy. too cheesy-in-a-can. i mean look at my Steve, Blum's got the guns!!! look at Steve Blum's arms!!! those things are MASSIVE. bro do you work out?
Steve Blum: there was nothing else to do when i was living in my triangular car...
* John Hughes: see that oil painting up there? yeah that's me. well a representation of me. that's actually Ron Howard up there crying cos he's realizing in real time he'll never be cooler than Fonzie. Fonzie dies? and my dad is Charles Nelson Reilly.
* John Hughes: the story that started it all. do people write magazine stories anymore?...
* Neil Young comes out on stage with an octagonal guitar...
* Putin: there are no aliens. there are no Little Green Men. there are only Russians. we did all that shit first. before Mulder the Foxy.
* Daphne Oz: Princeton. 4 kids. 35 years old. life is good.
* Alive (1993): scenes too intense for unaccompanied minors. the plane-crash scenes.........and other stuff.
* Lori Loughlin: i'm here for the Bob Saget funeral. the prison said it was alright!!! the prison said i could do this!!! LET GO OF ME!!!
* Alec Baldwin: only i have the cojones to go back on Twitter after everything's that happened. i'm not talking about my drawers...
* bologna bop: it's just a sandwich
* Kenan Thompson: OH COME ON!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!! they name the winter storm Kenan spelled with one N. there is no other Kenan spelled in just that way that refers to anything else but me. nothing else on this green earth especially Hawaii. don't tell me about no random list, they did this deliberately to mess me up on Saturday!!!
* Dirg: i'm gonna have a good time with my friends...once i find some...
* John Gay: perfect.
David Foster Wallace: ...
* MLK: Black Lives Matter. grill that message into a McRib for all i care...
* Ukrainian soldiers: we do NOT look like Ewoks. this is NOT Hoth.
* Dove is great for making sure your employer sees your tats. Dove makes your tats sparkle.
* Jon Hamm: Paul Rudd? i'm WAY sexier than Paul Rudd. more like Paul Rid.
Apple: sorry Jon but there's no way to do more Mad Men. that was the perfect ending. you can't top "Teach The World To Sing" using soda. that'd be like doing a sequel to that movie where Richard Dreyfuss enters the alien spaceship...
* Indeed
imagine a resume that would land you a job that wouldn't be replaced the next day by a robot...
* Napoleon: i've ALWAYS wanted to be a standup comic. i wasn't allowed to be funny in my family. my dad kept calling me short...
* Progressive Sign Spinner
Mich: i'm sorry, Caroline, i've changed. i told Diane it was over.
couple: excuse me can we have some space?
sign-spinner: the problem with you guys is time, you don't give her enough time...
Mich: i swear, Caroline. a new girl has come into the bar and i'm not attracted to her at all. her name is Kirstie. yes, Kirstie. that's her actual name, you can't make that name up...
Caroline: you live in a van, Mich.
Mich: i'm a free spirit. i earn money by entering van races...
* Airbnb
Bigfoot from Harry and the Hendersons: see the show was about to be about MY family.
Tony Hawk: Bigfoot taught me how to ollie.
Bigfoot: we can't go into the relaxing jacuzzi cos our long hair will get electrocuted. similarly we can't play Jenga cos our long hair will get caught in the hole.
* TurboTax
blue woman: one thing i can't help you with is where i got this Game of Thrones multimedallion, this necklace is tax-free.
tat girl: what if i own the shoppe cos i do crypto?
blue woman: i got ELON tatted on my left butt cheek and MUSK tatted on the right one but i wear blue pants.
blue woman: surprising inheritance...they transform that Blade Runner antique hotel into a Great Gatsby swimming hole.
grandma: i injured my hand drinking tea not the venus flytraps.
* don't experience America on the Fourth of July. Tom Cruise is in a wheelchair. do it in January and February, but only if you have enough money like Olympic athletes do...
* the only office with Adirondack chairs
* Lando Norris: who has the best fans?
Danielle Collins: Australia...
Lando: no i said best VANS. i'm entering van races now, Formula 1 is too fast, i need to smoke pot while i'm still young. some of my vans will have boys, too, okay? i won't betray my vans like Calrissian did with Vader's Unicorn Van.
* Derrick Henry: sorry, lady, i made you a billionaire by mistyping one word on my Insta.
lady: at least you didn't like my pic which would have forced me to become a stripper.
* Rubikon: can i axe you a question? really, State Farm?
* Caesars: OMG! that really IS Halle Berry as Cleopatra! she hides it well i had no idea it was her! they say she's taking on more unrecognizable roles lately...
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: Pizza My Heart at the mall, i want to experience that line that snakes all the way around to Macy's when it's NOT Christmas!!!...
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