Wednesday, January 19, 2022



Kyrie Irving: i got a hamsa on my hammy, you can't hate me.

Breezy Johnson: i'm not trying to copy Picabo Street.

Dirg: snowflakes in New York City?


Glennon Doyle: i will allow Cotard into my momastery, not Codrus!

Takahashi: that's Burger King Japanese curry, it's a common dish.
Dirg: Japanese furries are pretty common, too.

Laertus: your vaccination card is the most precious credit card you carry.
Dirg: even more precious than your Black Mastercard. 

Chloe Fineman: Scientology cured my covid.........i think.

Rubikon: Hollywood is a copycat league.

Kevin Durant: i am the kid.
Jack Tripper: ...

Cowboys/49ers referees: the game is over. go home. folks, don't throw that bottle i don't have a helmet to catch it in. wipe all the Nickelodeon slime off your kids in the parking lot.

Peter MacNicol: my first film was.........Sophie's Choice......yeah, Sophie's Choice.

Elle from Blade Runner: Black Lotus: the white bandage on my nose? no not a fight injury, it's a Biore strip.

Takahashi: all "fancy restaurants" serve the same thing: burgers and fries.
Katrin Cartlidge: you mean burgers and chips. try the Born Slippy! the Born Slippy Rib Burger!

Jennifer Lawrence: look i love Jonah Hill, but the guy's an idiot, a moron, and a mermaid-puss stealer, you know?

special salt: the thing only Ronald McDonald and that lady bird share with each other, not commonplace at all, the thing they both secretly hate. not about hamburgers. website: the family on there with the two kids is Jennifer Garner and that little toyboy Entertainment Tonight reporter.

Marlon Bundo: if the world and country had known about me maybe they would have liked you better, Mike Pence. not called for your hanging.
Bunnicula: still not cooler than me. i got the nostalgia thing going.
Marlon Brando: little furry animals in vice residences are low-class to me, like tattoos are low-class to me.
Rachel's mom kisses the ring.
Maiara Walsh: if the bunny's name was Marlon Bunda that would have invoked my Brazilian butt.

Bono: i mean why didn't we name the band Bono? that would have been so cool, right?
John Belushi smoking pot: yeah man yeah man. hey man you got any more of that McDonalds blueberry pie they only sell in Northern Ireland?

Circus Coo: each year at this time the action takes place at night.
Alison Sieke: right. there are these secret Hollywood parties that happen not inside but OUTSIDE. the show takes place in the backyard lawns of famous people's homes. nobody knows who these homes belong to while the show goes on, we just remain glued to the show. real estate in Los Angeles is EXPENSIVE so these lawns are like one square foot, no space, standing room only cos that's all there is. no oak trees for squirrels. sometimes the tree is the stage but more often than not the stage is made of wood. 
Circus Coo: yeah it's like the old harlequin shows in Medieval times. it's more special than even live theatre, cos you can return the next night for live theatre, these are once-in-a-lifetime shows. the opportunity comes but ONCE, no cameras allowed, you have to live the experience then tell no one what you saw. the action onstage is so crazy you'll be telling your grandkids and the grandkids won't believe you. it's like one of those times when you can say you were THERE when the ska band Sublime performed their first show at a backyard birthday party for some client's kid. 

Alison Sieke arrives driving a life-size pink Barbie car. she takes off her orange shades.

the opening act is Circus Coo herself, she gets on stage in her one-piece pink bodysuit and coils her body into an impossible pretzel while in the background Sublime's "Wrong Way" drowns out NIN's "Even Deeper".
Circus Coo: men like that i'm flexible. women like that in this position i'm a good listener.
Circus Coo's toes have become her new eyelashes...

the second act or first act technically, is a little man in a three-horned-goat costume who is an expert in the NFL and betting. he knows what SU and ATS mean. he entertains the masses with all his numbers magic.

the final and last act, maybe ever, is of a tall sweaty man who does this sort of weird unintelligible thing where he slowly takes off layers of his three-piece suit, it's not meant to be sexy, it's meant to be painful and uncomfortable. it's the white man's burden in this modern cancel-culture age, an alt-right incel who floods the adult swim messageboards every night wondering where the new season of World Peace is. he claims he hates Bump but he voted for him. needless to say the audience is stunned into silence and doesn't know where to look.

Suzy Lu and Kakashi are enjoying the festivities together leaning on a picket fence. by now it's so late at night all the green of the lawn has turned to black. Suzy elbows Kakashi in the ribs with her scissor-sharp knees, spilling his drink.
Suzy Lu: enjoying yourself, Kakashi? this is a nice little Boris garden party right here. perfect for you silent-but-deadly secret-ops types.
Kakashi: we ninjas aim for anonymity. but i want to be known by YOU. you have such a gentle soul underneath that rough Scottish she-devil hellion exterior.
Suzy: *blushing* oh Kakashi. you are the only person to make me blush. you see me. i got a Steep-Jonesin' sting in my bum and not even that moved me.
Stingo: not even me? 
Meryl Streep: that's Streep-Jonesin'.
Kakashi: i'm serious. can't you tell? like when the flying boy from Invincible had to see his crush and that bully-kid tongue each other, and then the cheating with the bully-kid later on, YOU felt those feelings for the audience. you always put yourself in the protagonist's shoes, you talked about how you were the JEALOUS type, you couldn't ken what was going on behind people's backs and not say anything. by the way, are you ever gonna review the last 4 episodes of Invincible before the new season?...
Suzy Lu: oh Kakashi. thank you.
Kakashi: what's in this red plastic cup?
Suzy: quaff, lad. it's golden suds, like magic mouthwash. low-calorie beer.
Kakashi: i see. that was the dream of the Hidden Leaf Village---to have all the upcoming children live long enough to sip alcohol.
Suzy: i'll drink to that!

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Emily Blunt: I was the bells. get it?
Codrus: i never asked Emily Blunt to do that for me.
prick: i sound so much funnier when you roll the r...

Breaking the Waves chip shoppe shack by the water: you forget about me. me, me who's called fish and chips. you find it strange that french fries are called chips but you've always called fish n chips fish n chips.

Eye: The Smurfs and the Magic Flute and go.
Laertus's dad: my favorite time period, now and forever, amen.
Laertus: the '70s?
Laertus's dad: no, Medieval times. 

Smurfette: where am i here?
Gargamel: with me. in my castle. Azrael hasn't been invented yet...

Peyo: you know this was really the one, this was the introduction of my Smurfs to the world. based on the success of this little rinkydink film, all the major studios were groveling at my smurfberry-basket feet sucking my blue cock as the '80s started to give them a cartoon show. i think i went with CBS but honestly i don't remember, that blowjob was so good i lost consciousness.
Peyo's wife: remember dear, I was the one who colored them, that's why the Smurfs last today.

Les Aventures des Schtroumpfs: wait what about us? WE were the first film!
Peter MacNicol: ...
Peyo: 1965? i don't remember that far back. another blowjob. remember, it's not french fries.
Katrin Cartlidge: it's french chips.
Peyo: no it's Belgian fries.
Katrin: maybe if i had had more cartilage in my heart... 

Takahashi: wait who did these voices?
Holt Hanley: me. i wish. i'm something of an amateur voice actor...
Rubikon: it was actually the woman who did the original woman on Cowboy Bebop who recently died.
Takahashi: the woman in yellow or the weird kid? didn't she also do the woman on Dragon Ball, recently died in a car crash, right?
Rubikon: they used anime voices, they were cheap and disposable back then. anime was JUST in the infancy of its popularity in the late '70s.

Laertus: okay it's all coming back to me, the characters of Johan and Peewit. they were diminished in the '80s cartoon, only around here and there. i do remember that white-haired king with the prickly beard, too, but it's weird cos he looks like an anime king.
Johan: look at my eyes, i look like if Wilma Flintstone and Trent Reznor fucked and had a baby, me.
Peewit: strange name. it's like i'm Pee-wee Herman but even weirder. i look like every Scandinavian comic hero with my blond shell hair. comic-strip hero.

Peewit: i'm not really a jester, i'm just annoying.
Johan: and i'm not a squire, i'm a struggling musician. 

merchant: please! help my brother Luigi out! buy this junk! 
the merchant spies a wheelbarrow racing itself, a blue wheelbarrow with an 800 number painted on it.
merchant: please! my bro Luigi lost his leg fighting a Koopa with a hotfoot!

Peewit: oh here comes that old bag in the vomit-green dress, the one in the cake-bonnet with a permanent scowl on her face who's a stickler for the rules and never has any fun. live a little, lady! dance. use this flute on yourself after i play it for you.

Johan: Peewit! what's with all the noxious toxious toxic green gas! how can something so small as your butthole produce such a green cloud of stank!
Peewit: i pooted.

king: i discovered greenhouse energy in the Middle Ages!
Johan: sire, why are you lying down outside on the hard stone floor of the castle?
king: just don't give me any political pillows.

Peewit: hey at least i play a mean lute. except not really. i don't. okay am i just evil? i mean i know i want to have fun, i'm a good-times guy, but there's a limit.
Johan: no I know the storytelling lute. i mean at least train to become a knight like i'm doing. i'm taking night courses while i work at 7-Eleven during the day. you know, the folk who do all those jousts everyone in the kingdom attends cos there's no internet. THEY're the ones who get the ladies-in-waiting!!!
Peewit: i know but there aren't any pretty maidens in our kingdom.
animators: we were forbidden from drawing big tits...

Matthew: hello.
king: what's your surname?
Matthew: McCreep.
king: ah yes we trust you, LOWER THE DRAWBRIDGE! you're training to become a monk, yes?
Matthew McCreep: harder, i'm training to be canonized as a saint. if that doesn't work out, McDonalds.

Homnibus the Wizard: i coulda been Merlin but Merlin's a cooler name. 
Bono: ...
Homnibus: i sound like a bus station. here, look into my eyes, are you stoned yet?
Peewit: with pot?
Homnibus: no, Flintstones vitamins, they're actually a very old poultice...
Homnibus: when you say no, i say yes. as in Yes the progressive-rock band, not anything about sex.
Shatner: this is a little like the transporter...
Homnibus: no it's Hypnokenesis.
Shatner: psychoanalysis with a hefty price tag?
Dirg: a lefty price tag.
Homnibus: no, a dirty sock.
Mardith: this reminds me of The Flight of Dragons.

Peewit: it didn't work. i'm in a bog.
Johan: i'm at Smurf Village, i study more than you.

Papa Smurf: um, why the fuck don't we make an appearance until 30 FUCKING MINUTES in?!!! that right there, that's the first time the word smurf was ever broadcast on popular media.

Peewit: i'll only talk to Strongman Smurf, Sweetie Smurf, and Actor Smurf.
Circus Coo: Festive Smurf.
Alison Sieke: there's a difference between an actor and one who attends festivals.
Peewit: and Skeletor Smurf, the Smurf who likes to have a good time. wait a minute all you Smurfs look exactly the same! how do i tell you apart?! so it's true what they say about the East...

Brainy Smurf: had to wait till the '80s for progression. progressive policies. i was hit with a hammer here for talking too much. with no agency of my intelligence, that i actually had something smart to say. i liked it better when i was Team-Rocketed out of the mushroom village each week for being a nerd. hammer, i get it, workers' rights, collectivism.

Smurfs: we make the magic flute out of wood, no two are alike.
Johan: DON'T DO IT!! i don't want any trees killed. there's been too much killing already.

McCreep: okay, business partner...
Earl Flatbroke: ... 
McCreep: here's the plan. we go to an island and let off a volcano that causes a tidal wave. we sail away on a gilded gliding vessel to a country discovered by Christopher Cross.

Terminac: we're a sleepy Medieval fishing village by the water. so sleepy we drown. we're a bus terminal. in a couple of years the Pirates of Dark Water will invade us. we also take care of your termites.

Peewit: and now we do the Luke and Vader thing with flutes for lightsabers. flutesabers.
McCreep: don't touch the beard, kid, i'm auditioning for Bluto.

Peewit: the CARRACK!!! oh those three ship-masts are so lovely! so soft and lavendery and burly against the cheek of my skin! can we keep it?
Johan: give me all your gold coins. in medium-sized unmarked brown kettle-bags.

Peewit: damn, my evil plan would have been taken to completion if only i had the soap-carver they use at LUSH. how many holes DOES a flute have anyway? 
Mardith: seven for good luck.
Madame Pons: at LUSH my holes are my realms.

Care Bears: see? you and me, we were able to defeat Disney. Disney was still a fair boxer in the '80s.

Smurfette: Gargamel is dead. g'night folks.


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