Jacques Pepin: i use a razorblade but it's to make Crosses in breadloafs.
Kurt Cobain: ...
Jacques: i use bricks but it's not to throw at punks like you, it's to weigh bread down so it gets bathed in vegetable juices.
Kurt: i get bricks thrown at me on stage, with the lights out it's less dangerous.
Jacques: lozenges refer to square sandwiches, not Ricola.
Kurt: i can't eat a sandwich unless it's traingle-cut. with the crusts on.
Preet Chandi: no pole jokes, Dirg.
yoga dip: ice-cream-colored universe
LeVar Burton: the 2022 Rose Parade will feature nudity.
at the Rose Parade the Vaccinate Our World float is mysteriously set on fire...
Denver, the Last Dinosuar: i was discovered by Sasha Grey...
Morton Fizzback: i was played by Frank DiLeo...
Denver: you know why me and the kids all sat around every episode around the breakfast table eating cereal as we hashed out how to solve '80s problems? cos that's what the kids watching us were doing as they watched us, eating cereal.
Wetzel's Pretzels: not Mickey Mouse...
screlt: only Elphaba on Broadway does this.........and maybe Shrek at the Forest Theatre in Obec...
Dirg: women, don't wear dresses, wear pants, so we can see the butt.
Carole King: i'm a queen. on CNN but not Larry. i did "Too Late" first, sorry, Washed Out.
MLIS: a librarian who is allowed to kick the soccer ball down the hallowed halls of the Berkeley library noisily cos the cool lions guarding the place are made of marble so they can't hear
babymoon: i mean both a time away from the baby and intense time with the baby.
Tyzik: the iphone is the new Nintendo Entertainment System...
Jillian Clare: Berkeley Rep, Swept Away, January 9, count me in the boat, i'm going!
Laertus's dad: this is so FUCKING FRUSTRATING!!! that's what i should have done when i was enrolled at Berkeley, i should have done the theatre program at the Rep! but i didn't know what the Rep was! i was too in my head about all the English stuff, the English major stuff, the English Major stuff. think where i'd be now! i would have done one of those beautifully liberal plays once a week! covid or no covid the show must go on! i would have slept on stage! i wouldn't need all this Instagram shit! i would have met Jillian Clare!
Jillian: Brazilian Bum Bum Cream, i don't need it, just thought i'd show it on Instagram as a laugh. a Betty White raunchy joke. you know, a sweet-song lark.
NoizeBoy: *pointing at Jillian* when you think of her butt, think of her tits.
Jillian: flaunt it, own it, be it.
Tim Kane: if i'm going to investigate the Capitol Riot i have to GET to the Capitol. nice try, I95.
last episode of Young Justice: caffeine pills!!! Saved By The Bell!!!
Soundgarden "My Wave": we were first. then we transitioned to "Keep On Rowing"...just keep going is the theme here...
at the Smurf dungeon: waybread, no way.
at Smurf Village
Cher, holding a gray box: i will never let my hair go gray.........until i become Prophetess Of The World.
Suzy Lu crashes New York Comic Con. like she literally crashes into the NYC building turning it from a skyscraper into a dome.
Suzy: HEY Y'ALL. WHATUP BITCHES. IT'S YA GIRL. BIG DICK ENERGY I MEAN LITTLE DICK ENERGY. CAN I GET A WHAT WHAT WHO WHO DOCTOR WHO?
Suzy: where my youtube viewers at? hey Kak where are all my followers?
Kakashi: they're screaming right now, Suzy Lu. give it a minute, pet.
Suzy: don't they like my grand entrance? i'm atop riding astride astead my pet Nessie loch ness monster! on top of her and i do stress HER tallest scale. the head alone crashed all the stadium windows. getting an S-curve in a cosplay costume is time-consumingly difficult.
Kakashi: yes. so the S looks natural not animatronic.
Kakashi: milady i mean babe i mean milady it's time for me to start my quest, the first two Ricola herbs: ribwort and lady's mantle. elder and marsh mallow don't count cos i always see the old lady who's the elder in our village fake that she's dead, she closes her eyes and never opens them, then winks at you internally. she's always out fishing in a small hole sawed out of the ice perfectly in a circle by Chilly Willy.
Kakashi: I FOUND THEM!! the first one was easy, my life is full of warts, all the warts, i've done things.
Suzy: it's okay, babe.
Kakashi: so i pulled my own rib out of my body. not with a chakra.
Prince: like i did with my rib.
Kakashi: not to make woman, the woman takes man's rib and makes the first musical instrument, a bone flute.
Suzy: which ends up being slang for penis.
Suzy: and lady's mantle? i think i know this one. come on! it's just slang for vagina?!!!
Kakashi: that's what i thought at first, but then my dead dad talked to me in my ear. he has more experience. i traveled to the North Pole to visit Mrs. Claus.
Mrs. Claus: o what spirit spectre scythe has visited upon me this dayless night?
Kakashi: it is i. i will remove my mask, show you my face, and we will make love in a chimney.
Kakashi removes his mask.
Mrs. Claus: by the Norse Coke gods! curses me i can't see your beautiful face! it's all covered with a snow blizzard, all i see is a Santa beard...
Suzy: let me guess...
Aaron Rodgers: okay. fine. i shouldn't've hugged Erin Andrews maskless during our socially-distanced interview.........but we fucked on the team bus the night before so what's the big deal?
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Erin Andrews: socially-distanced does not mean socially awkward.
Christine Ebersole: hi. remember me? from SNL. hello, my name is Lucy Doolittle...
Eye: Licorice Pizza and go.
Paul Thomas Anderson: an average outing. an average opus of mine all things considered.
KQED PBS: we got your back, Pauly! so does AMC on that status-symbol boat!
PTA: i'm not in this for the elite creativity. this is just a way for my wife Maya Rudolph and i to sit around the '70s yellow dingy shaggy rug of our mansion den and talk shop with our kids tots and toddlers. we must be steeped in black-and-white films at all times around the house, stereo-sound. i had to rush it out cos of covid. but at least i got the name right, it was gonna be Soggy Bottom.
Doctor Who: in fairness that's a good name for a waterbed store. but this isn't a British film no matter how classy.
Laertus: *bowing* i love your sumptuous noir explorations of Los Angeles, sir.
kid inside Licorice Pizza at Sherman Oaks Galleria mall
manager: what are you doing, kid? why are you taking a white box full of merchandise out of the store?
kid: oh this is a record store? i saw the brown carpet and immediately assumed Orange Julius. so but like isn't this place going out of business soon?...
Alana Haim: i'm suddenly America's Sweetheart, the first one with a Jewish nose.
Dirg: you got a hot butt, i'll give you that. people didn't like this movie cos they thought you were a bitch who needed to be taken down a peg. as for the tits well i can only assume they're sleeper sweater tits cos we don't see them, that scene where you show them is a cop-out.
PTA: why am i directing music videos anyways? aren't i above all that by now?
Laertus: oh god here we go. the controversy. the Asian denigration. look i get it. this is his character, this is something his character would do would say would imitate at that time in this era in that cutthroat city. it's realism. but PTA HAD to know he was stepping in it with these scenes.
PTA: i did. yet i didn't.
Laertus: i mean as you're filming these scenes, as you're PRINTING these scenes, didn't you once go.........yeah maybe not such a good idea for a 2022 audience...
Cooper Hoffman: i was the PERFECT choice!
PTA: yes you were! i felt bad about your father, he was my shining star, my muse, for so many years. so i offer you now this movie as a chance for you to deal and heal. did it heal you?
Cooper: no. i still don't know why my dad did it.
PTA: it's okay, son. let me give you a bear hug. i mean you got your dad's DNA!!! you got the acting chops from him, man!!! you're a natural!!! i asked your dad one time how he was doing.........he talked about the divorce but said he was losing weight...
Sean Penn: was William Holden really this much of a pimp?
Tom Waits: so i'm playing myself?
Bradley Cooper: no relation. this was a trick. they were making it seem like this movie was all about ME. but i have a rather pedestrian glorified cameo. i threaten to kill a kid and hook up with '70s Emma Raducanu.
Madame Pons: sorry but Bradley Cooper can't act. i don't find his French charming.
John Michael Higgins: why do i have such a normal name? i'm gonna be easy to find dammit...
Harriet Sansom Harris: don't let Ebert fool you, I stole this show!
George DiCaprio: i wasn't a sleazy father to Leo. there were never any waterbeds in the house. i did have a waterbed delivered to Don's Plum per my son's request...
John C Reilly: where's Rob Zombie?
Gary Goetzman: turns out i was a little prick as a kid.
PTA: you still are.
PTA: The Valley, no place like it...
Alana: looks like we got ourselves a real Elliott from E.T. over here.
Cooper: fuck school pictures, meet me at the Tail o' the Cock. let me save you the trouble: tail of the cock cocktail. it's like the Regal Beagle but real.
Cooper: 2 Cokes. Erik Estrada? what are you doing here?
Erik: call me Ponch. a bar's no place for a kid. unless you're Dana Plato.
Cooper: it's a tavern.
Haim sisters and real mom and dad: we are not jealous of Alana.........we are not jealous of Alana.
Lucy: how DARE you hit my head! you hit it so hard my red hair turned back brown! they said no to Bedknobs & Broomsticks. they said no to Sound of Music. they said no to Peter Pan! so i'm stuck doing this Merv Griffin slop! i eat big boys like you for hamburger dinner!
Cooper: like my father i'm not fat.
Lance: i'm an atheist.
Alana: atheist, Jewish, same thing. we can get married, right poppop?
Lance: Vietnam was the last straw, sorry, God. i'm too handsome to reject, i look like a young Sly Stallone and i don't ride a bike. plus my name is Skyler Gisondo, that's the sweetest-sounding name of all time.
Alana: show me your penis.
Lance: to confirm that i'm circumcised?
Alana: no i just want to see your penis, then i don't have to go through the hassle of dating and going to boring dinners and stuff.
Gary: *smirking* Alana, anal.
Alana: stop, Gary.
Gary: does that get you hot?
Alana: uh, no. i keep forgetting you're 15.
Laertus: everyone has had that heartbreaking scene where you call someone on the phone and don't say anything, you just wait for them to pick up and you start breathing. the girl on the other end doesn't know when the appropriate time to hang up is. your heart aches so much you don't know what to say to her.
Eye: everyone had those experiences during corded-phone times anyway...
Cooper: what's with the waterbed thing tho?
PTA: remember Mattress Man Commercial from Punch Drunk Love? your dad was a classic!
Dirg: why are these two crazy kids so interested in being COOL? as if suddenly being cool was the only thing that mattered in life...
Laertus: so there's this rather whimsical scene here where the two start running, just running, it's not connected to anything in the story. it's like they're running apart from the film, in a symbolic way.
PTA: bingo. there's a lot of running in my films. take Punch Drunk Love, all the running there is replaced with swimming to Hawaii.
Harriet Sansom Harris: do you do topless?
HSH: but you just said you were in the Israeli Army where you can kill a man by placing a paperclip under his eyelid, you'll be fine if anyone messes with you.
Gary Valentine: i'm running to you again, Alana.
Alana: very Hollywood name by the way. to see if i was hurt?
Cooper: no to see if i can interest you in golf lessons. most married couples met on the golf course.
Alana: i had to learn how to drive a golf cart for this?
Jimmy Carter: don't blame me, it wasn't my fault. everyone thought the world was coming to an end in the 1970s. it's not like it is now but it was kinda like the Bubonic Plague back in the day.
Jon Peters: Barbra Streisand. i'm not stressed. Barbra Stars-In-My-Eyes...
Laertus; yeah now see this is where it goes wonky. the whole long protracted sequence with the driving of the truck backwards, it was just kind of boring, this was meant to be the big action scene in the movie but it just didn't land.
Eye: maybe that truck needed to be blue and tiny and cute and 1-800-GOT-JUNK.
Alana: i learned to drive a truck for this?
Dirg: i did like Gary simulating drinking cum from the gas-can stem against the backdrop of a sunrise, that was kinda cool.
Bradley Cooper: hey you girls liked King Richard?
Venus and Serena: kinda glossed over the bad stuff dad did...
Cooper: remember, kids, back in the day pinball was like heroin. no not like it was addicting, like it was illegal.
Alana: scram, creep.
loiterer: it's a free country. i'm wearing John Lennon glasses, i'm immune from your criticism. i'm skinny, i can stand anywhere i want. i died for this country in Vietnam, i don't want any gays in my mayorships.
Alana: that's me, a beard in the rain...
Laertus: okay this scene is very well done, the actor who portrays Joel Wachs's secret gay lover is VERY good here, communicating his hurt feelings, i felt his pain, the pain of being invisible, unseen, disregarded, taken for granted, not really loved, a prop, cast off when the goal is reached.
Eye: yes. HE steals the show!
Laertus: hey all boyfriends are dicks huh.
Laertus: then why do you put up with us?
Eye, looking lovingly askance at Laertus: cos some of them are at least trying.
PTA: and now the two run TOWARD each other. hey did you miss that right there? that little detail? Alana stands below the arcade-bright-light matinee bulbs-sign and it says OPEN 24 HOURS.
Alana: what are you implying? that i'm a slut?
PTA: no your LOVE is open 24 hours...
Dirg: ummmmmm.........so it's still weird, right? i mean they kiss and she tells him she loves him but she's still 25 and he's still 15.........so it's weird, right?
Laertus: this is very sweet. and stirring. and sunken. and saudade. and nostalgic. the pain of first love. Gary TRULY believes this is the woman he'll marry someday, this is his wife he's looking at. he laughs and scoffs at all her rude jokes, her biting remarks, cos he sees past her front into her soul. he can deal with a little ribbing and humiliation if it means seeing her soft side she doesn't show anyone, seeing her on her other side. it's all roleplay in the end i guess. Gary calls her Alana VALENTINE.
Laertus: i imagine a scene not in the script where Gary becomes so used to having Alana by his side, he's so attached to her, it becomes instinct. whenever he goes to a watering hole, or a waterbed store, he starts his speaking with the phrase
Alana and i
Alana and i were thinking about getting this waterbed
Alana and i would like 2 Cokes, please.
he simply cannot talk with his lips with his mouth any other way. he will start each sentence he says with the word Alana the rest of his days. g'night folks.