Monday, January 31, 2022



pic above: this Robitussin commercial was, uh, canned at the last minute.

1. does anyone still eat Jell-o? do you?

it's complicated. used to. i used to.

i mean Bill Cosby and i were great friends in the '80s. we'd go jogging together in matching grey jogging sweat-pants along orange-leaved cobblestones past the brownstones in New York. i'd huff and i'd puff but i never blew down cos i had asthma. Bill would hit my back as i lumped over on the sidewalk cos he was a doctor.

then i saw Hannibal Buress's standup. but a few years went by and i decided to give Bill one more chance. time passed by the past. but i went to a Cosby show wearing baggy jeans and Bill banned me hitting my head with his microphone. not The Cosby Show, a Cosby standup-show, it was raunchy like the Bob Saget duality thing.

the last straw came watching W Kamau Bell's Showtime special. i got W's back, never thought i'd say that. i protect him from all the nasty trolls. hey i like democracy, too... 

now i don't even wanna watch jello-wrestling anymore...

2. tell us 10 things that scare you:

1. death
2. the afterlife
3. life and light
4. Jell-o
5. a Small Wonder reboot
6. Joe Rogan becoming President
7. Jordan Peterson becoming Surgeon General
8. Tim & Eric getting canceled
9. the death of Jane Goodall
10. if it turns out God is just an ordinary man

what it all boils down to, my friends *i'm singing in an Alanis Morissette voice solidarity with Trudeau* for each of us these 10 things and all things are iterations of the fear of death. and how sex cannot save us. and whether or not love is eternal. so we focus on the good things: the Commanders winning the Super Bowl, Napoleon getting out of his abusive home to become a standup comic. well our physical body fearing death anyway...

3. if you were a rap artist what would your stage name be? The Late Phoenix. why change it? if i went down the Kanye route i'd have to change it every two years. the album-printers would get mighty mad at me. how would i shorten it? Pho? La? Pete Davidson is so cool i'd invite him on my album and he'd do a diss track on his own mother for fun. 

remember a couple of years ago when Pete Davidson was talking about how he stayed clear of the SNL stage at the end of the show Kanye musical-guested on cos he wanted to keep being employed by NBC? it's amazing how these things work out. a random Aladdin sketch changes everything...

4. what is one thing you have had since childhood?

covid. i mean you don't know for sure, right? when you get covid you have to trick your brain into thinking everything is normal and go about your daily routine...

but i'd probably go with nostalgia. there's the back-brace but nostalgia. i've had nostalgia ever since i can remember. of course when you're 2 you're only reminiscing about those Chicken McNuggets.

5. romantically speaking i am A+ when it comes to ____

taking tests for the cheerleaders so they don't miss the homecoming game. 

and having sex with hot math teachers in about taking stock, the stock market, taking a calculus of your life at that moment...

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