Friday, January 14, 2022




* Novak Djokovic: i laugh at the whole world. two words: farmyard tennis...

* lead singer of Hum: "Waves" does NOT sound like the Smashing Pumpkins song "Bodies"!...

* boung: not what you think

* Francia Raisa: would Justin Bieber do what I DID for Selena Gomez?!!!...

* Koro-sensei: nobody has a laugh like mine.........not even my fellow yellow-character Spongebob.

* Lorne: you still question the POWER of SNL? in 2022? if it wasn't for the Aladdin sketch Pete Davidson and Kim K would not be a thing right now! that sketch altered the trajectory of two lives! there's power in a stage kiss!

* Perry Farrell: i always thought it was

When i want something
I don't want to pay for rent...

Lou Reed: i wrote that song...

* Dennis Rodman: why do i have to work out? i'm not comebacking anything...

* Microsoft Surface
Phoenix: feeling zoned out? spaced out? stressed out? burnt out?
Kurt Cobain: ...
Phoenix: maybe it's cos you're made of clay...
Jesus: i know.
Phoenix: no, claymation...

* NFL Playoffs
whose back you got?
me: Elle's butt from Blade Runner: Black Lotus.

* Flo: first of all, why do YOU get the mansion and you don't have to work and you have time to make a baby?
Flo's sister: whatever.
Flo: whatever is so played out. is that a baby or a baby leopardprint? having a phonecase that's diamond-encrusted is SO lazy.
sister: remember what dad said? use your words. shut the fuck up i love you. i don't know what love is.
Flo: but you made a baby. didn't you make love? 
sister: no.
Flo: who's the daddy?
sister: a television writer.

*  Taco Bell
man: we got different definitions of sharing.
woman: when you said you had the chips i thought you were a blue-chip athlete. or you played the stock market online in your den or something. you can divvy em up next time.
man: divvy, that's a stock market term, right?

* fishing son: NO DAD! don't show me the T-Mobile phone video of you and mom fucking under the bleachers at your '80s Under The Sea high school reunion!!!
fishing dad: look.
fishing son: it's worse than i thought! it's not even Whitesnake's best song, "Is This Love".
Tina Turner: ...

* Elton John: i contest that, "Your Song" is a very serious song.
Green Wing car blooper: ...

* Applebees The Regulars
hardware annie: how's your mom?
kids: she's dead. we're building a treehouse in the back to house her soul.
woman: i usually go to a hair salon but i'm at the barbershop today cos I'M GETTING MARRIED!!!
veteran: make that corner nice and tight.
kid: mister when i grow up i'm gonna be in a laser space war.
girl's softball team: yes we lost the World Series but we're still going to Applebees. we'll launder our dirty uniforms thank you very much, no shapewear for us...
homecoming queen: why does the homecoming queen have to wear a trash bag in these times?
convulsing baby: don't worry, i'm just excited to be at Applebees with the kids menu!
saloon barkeep: you're too young for me to serve you a flat beer.
customer: but i got tats!

* Dean Winters: this is NOT a Peloton. my SVU CHARACTER has the MeToo sexual crimes against him not ME...

* TurboTax
woman: i'm already hot but this blue one-piece makes me hotter.
video gamer: can you video-game for a living?
woodsman: i saved the jerky receipts cos i couldn't survive one night out here in the wild without meat... 
blue woman: weird life? that's okay, as long as you aren't a travel blogger we got your taxes...

* Justin Guarini: inbetween takes of doing Lil Sweet i cry my eyes out. just me in the corner bawlin', pay me no mind. i mean at least give me a talk show. sigh, this is our Super Bowl commercial. a little lean on your tv? that's what Simon told me about my cock. mom, you were 20 minutes late picking up the kids? Bernie says school is free. Comcast went to shit the minute they turned into Xfinity. passed the hydrant test? now you can have that chai latte with Rob Ott.

Justin Guarini takes off his headband.
Justin Guarini: this is me talking to you. not Lil Sweet. lie to love, that's the truest thing any philosopher has ever said...

* Bob's Burgers movie: great, i gotta see that, too. my summer's already booked. will Los Movies still be a thing?...

* Verizon: bistro lights not included

* GEICO high-noon duel
cowboy: Daisy's auditioning to be in the "Old Town Road" video. she's eating beans to get into character.

* Silverado
dad: the worst day in a dad's life is that first field trip with his daughter's boyfriend. are you willing to donate your organs for my princess, son? she's gonna be a famous LatinX singer someday. why couldn't this be an episode of The Brothers Garcia?

* Capital One
horse: NEVER dress me in wrapping paper. what are you, stupid?

* Dr Rick
Valentina Garcia: fuck you, Georgia! you wouldn't let me enroll in your school! i don't care that you won something big!

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: you know what i'm gonna say. TACO BELL WINGS!!!!!!!!!! makes sense, they finally combined their franchises...

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