CASTLE IN THE SKY: ORNITHOPTER

 

me: i'm not much but i'll love you right.

Jen R: you do stand 7 feet tall.

me: that just makes my smallness worse.

Jen R: get ready to get your balls BASTED, boy.

Jen and i go to the NYBC New York Botanical Garden for a little holiday train.

me: ready for some train?

Jen R: the holiday train show is a family tradition, i take my daughter every year.

me: please don't talk about your other family, it gets me jealous and depressed cos i know what we have is fragile.

Jen R: lighten up, it's the holidays!!! i've always wanted to be a train conductor.

me: you look cute with that grey-and-white-striped conductor's cap on top of your hair.

Jen R: choo choo!!! this is fun riding this Christmas-lights train. 

me: don't drink all the Nocino, save some for the train, no more coal briquettes anymore!!!

Jen R: sticky, this wine be sticky.

me: train whistles scare me.

Jen R: Nocino wine bottles have that LONG-ass neck, it's a great vibrator i ain't gonna lie...

Jen R: am i going around in circles or am i being tracked? okay chum, since you're so scared of train whistles...

me: they're just so loud. and all that smoke gets in your eyes.

Jen R: i'm gonna use a WOOD train whistle, you know, handheld, i put it to my mouth.

me: like you do your vibrator.

Jen R: did they stop? did the kids get out of the way?!!! chugga chugga chugga chugga...

me: what's that music i hear?

Jen R: with me there's always music. i replaced the train whistle with my antique chrome LP record-player, a Crossley.

me: now THIS is cross-training.

SARA: let's face it, New Year's Eve weekend is always.........kind of a drag...

TOM: which is why we have a Demon Slayer marathon for you.........we naturally assume if you watch Toonami you have no friends...

SARA: just acknowledging our audience...

Amazing Stories "The Greibble": we invented the term nom nom nom...

Felicia Combs: i'm wearing my Christmas table's maroon tablecloth as a dress.

Felicia Combs: i feel more like a Felecia...

Ariana Araiza in a BODACIOUS Christmas red dress: it's Christmas Day, i'm going dancing at the club tonight. remember,, the ice-skating ice has sneaker waves...

Erin Clark: our Katie Couric...

Boc: silent night.........because there is NOBODY out on Christmas morning. there's a SPECIAL SILENCE in the air on Christmas morning...

Rod Serling: how do you like it? this is what you've wanted. how do you like this POSTAPOCALYPTIC TWILIGHT ZONE SILENCE? pretty fucking scary, huh. not a soul, not a peep, in the entire tri-state area, for hours, the quiet slowly suffocates you like a sweater. all the roads, bridges, tunnels empty, to grandmother's house we go.........if she's still there...

dad: did you like the rusty-as-fuck coppery penny i left you on the gas-station sidewalk on Christmas morning? i'm always here, always looking out for you, creature, when you get frightened as fuck.

The Barnyard: i mean we don't even pipe Christmas music into our speakers this morning, CHRISTMAS MORNING!!!

Mr. Kotter, smiling: did you Christmas fart? did you fart on Christmas Day?...

sugarplug: Doryce with Glade.

Lavinia Warren: I was the first goth...

Abraham Lincoln: your husband Tom Thumb lived inside my hat for a few years, i put him up when his parents dumped him in shame...

Tom Thumb: just until i got back on my feet...

Ear Horn: Lifebuoy, the first blood soap.

Ernest Hemingway: the only soap i've ever known is red soap...

Colin Kaepernick: i'm the only player who has ever been BLACKLISTED in NFL history...

First Things First on FS1: are we better than First Take on ESPN?

Stephen A. Smith: maybe. but a man with long hair, a mullet, a beard, and a Van Dyke mustache should never discuss and analyze football, it's just weird, it looks weird, this man should be doing a GEICO caveman commercial in a business suit...

Evan Michelson: what Edgar Allan Poe's daughter would have looked like...

Ivandoe: taking off clothes is for pure comedy only.

Tom Cruise: every love story must have a scene where the man playfully bodyslams the woman to the ground, floor, or ocean.

Elisabeth Shue: ...

Jen R: Aeon Flux "A Last Time For Everything," THAT is the most brilliant way to do that ending when it's a clone story!!! you really thought that one out for a while, huh.

Peter Chung: thank you. and yes i did. did you like that scene in Trevor's bedroom with the mirror, two Aeons, the real Aeon and her reflection...

me: i wish the entire show of Rick and Morty was a clone so it would just go away...

Bridget Lancaster and Julia Collin Davison linking arms as they drink each other's glass of rose sangria: the PBS version of lesbian-fucking.

America's Test Kitchen closing credits: we use the same brassy jazz horns as Fetch! with Ruff Ruffman...

Ear Horn: when the Two-Minute Warning hits, you should be sucking on your last chickenbone...

Leslie Sbrocco: the wine is only Grand cru if my tits are the cheeseboard...

Dirg: can you imagine having a live Zoom session with Leslie Sbrocco? okay PBS you otherwise suck, you take all the taxpayers' hard-earned money, but these KQED Events are pretty cool...

Pati Jinich: i'm off the market.........as in my show isn't on KQED anymore!!!

PBS personalities: pay us more.

Clarissa Ward face-down on the ground lips all smushed in a warzone: this is strangely sexy. planted down. they're trying to make me a plant but i'm a real reporter. the only plant here is my face planted to the ground...

Boc: as i take my early-morning walk, i survey the empty land like a king...

Monte Vista Christian: a Christian high school that's CO-ED?!!!...

Lance Armstrong: i'm sending a video of a bike making a heart in the snow with its tires with the caption "for you" to 100 different women...

Wilt Chamberlain in a bicycle helmet: ...

Peter Griffin at the Strand Ballroom: i wish i weighed a strand. i used to weigh a strand. i used to play the strand guitar.

Ambient Swim: glow-in-the-dark coelacanth.........rare G-Rated show on adult swim...

adult swim: that's adult swim, not a CULT swim.

Ambient Swim: a snail shell that develops into a bright MAD Magazine illustration...

Nina Gordon: the octopus from the Veruca Salt Eight Arms to Hold You album animated...

Eye Luggage: Castle in the Sky and go.

Laertus: the Miyazaki i missed.

Disney: ultimately, did we make things better or worse?...

Hayao Miyazaki: this film was actually dubbed into English way back in 1988 when it first came out in Japan. it's still mystery which studio exactly did it.

Tom Cruise: it was my studio in West Hollywood...

Miyazaki: it was done just for some private Japan Airlines international flights that only Jeff Bezos boarded. what a fucking waste. 

Carl Macek: why am i so HATED?!!! it's called IMPROV, people.

Eye: babe are we gonna get all Suzy Lu and Kakashi with this and review ALL the Studio Ghibli films?

Laertus: look i'll be honest, i am simply NEVER gonna see Porco Rosso. it's in the category with The Godfather, Elf, and Parasite. i know, i know this is in bad taste, but i'm just being honest. some films you just KNOW you're never going to see...

Lucio Rossi and Takahashi: ...

Mark Hamill wearing perfume: this is my best vocal performance ever. i mean not counting Robot Chicken. it's easy to play the bad guy with the sinister snarl, i am Darth Vader's son after all...

Miyazaki: foreign markets thought i named my film not Laputa but La Puta as in The Whore. hello, i'm Mister Squeaky-Clean over here!!! people are dumb.

Miyazaki: in the 1984 coal-miners' strike in Wales, i was rooting for the striking miners. 

Brassed Off: ...

Miyazaki: did they win? no, miners never win, their jobs suck. now i'm all about my fleet of 12 electric Uber X limos in my parking lot in the forest. 

Miyazaki: children are inherently good. people are complaining that my protagonists are too goody-two-shoes, well consider the alternative: you want the main character to be BAD?!!! an evil kid as the main that everyone must root for? what folly. i wanted to kick that critic's ass like i should have done when i was a kid.

Miyazaki: i invented Retrofuturism and steampunk. disagree? i got Isaac Asimov and William Gibson on speed-dial. well Gibson on speed-dial, Asimov still uses the stem phone. 

Cloris Leachman: the greatest vocal performance in this film is ME as Dola. it takes a special woman to have that SCREECH to one's voice in a take-charge feminist big-babe mama-leader who'll kick men's asses by striking them down in the head with her HUGE TITS.

Laertus: this is starting out looking like an episode of 1967 Speed Racer...

Pazu: you were floating. do you remember the crystal breaking your fall?

Sheeta: unlimited clean energy and my eyes were closed?!!! i'm Sheeta.

Pazu: i can't call you shit. i feel like floating on air cos i'm in love with you!!! you're the first GIRL in our mountain village EVER!!!

Pazu: i'm gonna clear my father's name.

Sheeta: just get a lawyer. get Jacoby & Meyers.

Pazu: no lawyers yet, i think we're in Medieval times or something...

Pazu: Uncle Pom, are you crazy?

Uncle Pom: no, i just like to live in peace and quiet with no stress. are monks crazy? don't answer that. i talk to the walls and the walls talk back to me.

Sheeta: Pazu, your uncle is licking the cave again!!!

Uncle Pom: the Aetherium is tasting me in a certain direction.........yes yes i see her, my soulmate is named Madame Pons...

Sheeta: don't cry, Pazu, you ugly-cry.

James Van Der Beek: tis a scrape to the knee, i'll be okay. i did a GREAT voice with Pazu here, I should have won the award. i EMOTE so clearly, i have a KNOWING GLINT IN MY VOICE.

Anna Paquin: people can't understand my Sheeta. i have a strange GARBLED ACCENT, it's British but not quite, it's British but off...

Laertus: oh no, i can't do a GIANT ROBOT. i wasn't preparing for a robot of any kind in this picture, i've had my fill of Giant Robos forever after the EXHAUSTING GRIND it took for me to get through The Iron Giant.

Eye: i remember, you had to go to the hospital after.

Laertus: the only thing i can compare the pain of watching The Iron Giant to is being forced to watch ALL of the Adult Swim Yule Log...

Laertus cries massively on Eye Luggage's knee.

Eye: it's okay, babe, look, they're closing the fire door on top of the robot...

Dola: are my sons on the dole? of course, that's the only way to get them out of the house. i need an ARMY to fly this airship!!! 

Baloo: are you delivering pineapple in a lightning storm? why didn't TaleSpin have a movie in the theaters?...

Goliath: where's Gumby?

Dola: boys, marry a girl like Sheeta who will become me someday.

crew: all boys marry their mothers...

Sheeta: i know an ancient magic spell taught to me by my mother.

Muska: smart woman, all men are inherently evil.

Sheeta: if i recite it, it will spread evil all across the land.

Doryce: i'm likin' this girl!!!

Muska: what is it? how do you perform it?

Sheeta: it's The Crimp from Mighty Boosh, and that unleashes that long-winded Aristocrats dirty-joke story unto the world...

Dola's boys: we won't be much of a husband to you, but we can help you peel those potatoes into your Dutch oven, ma'am.

Sheeta: i just invented french fries. i'll make a great wife for Pazu.

Dola's sons: damn. but he did see her first...

Baloo: it's a lightning storm.

Sheeta: it's a thunderstorm.

Pazu: no it's a 2001: A Space Odyssey rainbow wormhole. this place is ACID-TRIPPY. sci-fi acid. why wasn't there a video game made of this film? Castlevania castle right here...

Giant Robot: i'm peaceful when humans aren't warring. Bambi the deer's mother sleeps in my stomach...   

Sheeta: go to the throne room!!!

Pazu: i don't need to take a caca.

Paul: i do. i get it now, the crystal is a KEY you slide into a.........triangular hole? man fuck these kids.

Sheeta: it's not a spell of destruction, it's a spell of DISTRACTION...

Muska: they're gaining on me!!! don't let them get away!!! they're making a run for it!!!

Dola: the Tree of Life will always grow again, even if it regrows in OUTER SPACE!!!

Terrence Malick: you want me to talk NOW?...

Dola: technology is bad, technology just complicates things, Nature is where it's at. did you get me those 10 cans of beans i asked for for dinner only for me? 

Miyazaki: Dola, will you marry me? g'night folks, give Dola and i some privacy...

Mr. Sandman: the Castle in the Sky main theme song by Joe Hisaishi is a sumptuously airy lullaby that lulls me to sleep each night. where i dream of '80s Robotech and planning my revenge on Glass Joe who stole my girl. i never intended for that pigeon to die in the ring...

Miyazaki: how can you have a bad main character?

Jonathan Swift: it's more like an antihero, like me, i'm a clergyman who CLEARLY drank too much and took pre-American Revolution acid.

Adam Driver: or like me. Kylo Ren eventually changes his ways.

Miyazaki: after he loses 100 pounds...

Miyazaki: you gotta admit, these ornithopters are FUCKNG RAD. imagine the fuselage of an airplane with two BIG-ASS DRAGONFLY WINGS FLAPPING THEIR FUCK OFF. 

DragonflyTV: we can't do this...

Miyazaki: slimy translucent rainbow dragonfly wings. World War II would have ended so very differently for Japan if we had ornithopters. they're living weapons. Leonardo Da Vinci may have created ornithopters but I POPULARIZED ORNITHOPTERS, you little bearded polymath pizza-eating bitch.

Genevieve Buechner: i play with LEGO ornithopters.

Hayao Miyazaki: Genevieve Buechner, will you marry me?...