TENNIS TWINS: KFC MNF

 

Kristian Connors: okay so do you want to finally learn the family tradition?

Connie Connors: it's not a monolith. you have your KFC and its sides but i got the BEST sides: curtido and ensalada from El Salvador.

Kris: i don't like salad. but Salvadoran salad is salivating, that salad intrigues and tempts me.

Connie: it's not salad, it's a drink.

Kris: i could go for a drink.

Connie: fruit drink.

Kris: oh. you really should eat more, sis. you gotta eat MEAT, girl, put some chicken on those bones.

Connie: yeah and choke on a chicken bone, no thank you.

Kris: so this is a thing with me now, EVERY Monday Night Football game i plop down in front of the TV with my bucket of KFC chicken, the bucket from the '80s. 

Connie: back then there was just chicken, no grilled chicken, no baked chicken, no nuggets, no wings, just greasy breaded chicken drumsticks.

Kris: very cartoon, very mom and dad.

Connie: mom and dad are gonna BUST yo ass.

Kris: and i'm ready to spend 3 hours on a Monday night vegetating to football.

Connie: so this isn't part of your tennis training?

Kris: oh i don't know, maybe, it's just fun to watch OTHERS sporting while i eat chicken. at 5PM the teams are announced, the opening kickoff, and by the end of the first quarter my mouth is at the level of the bottom of my bucket. most of the chicken is gone by this point.

Connie: no sauce?

Kris: i can't wait for sauce. by halftime those chunderheads Peyton and Eli are on and most of the food is pretty much done. the cole slaw and the mashed potatoes, all that's left is the biscuit, peas, and tiny-ass cut-into-one-sphere-slice corn on the cob. and the drink.

Connie: you haven't DRUNK anything yet?

Kris: i can't wait for drink.

Connie: Peyton and Eli are cute, the Manning Brothers remind me of my own brother, all three of you are goofy but only TWO get paid for it...

Ted Knight: we're only doing ONE fucking Christmas episode in 6 seasons on Too Close For Comfort, got it?!!!

Henry Rush: Gandalf was a good gangsta. but he didn't guffaw like me.

Henry Rush: what's so great about guys from L.A.?

Lydia Cornell: they're straight. that's a great line in the script.

Lucio Rossi, Avo Babian, and Thai Guy: we're straight.

Monroe Ficus: the Rush family is the only family that puts their Christmas cards on their front door...

Lydia Cornell: i went to Yale, right?

Deborah Van Valkenburgh: we all went to Yale. everyone in the '80s went to Yale...

Alex P. Keaton: ...

Jen R: the '80s, those frosted ball ornaments in rectangular Macy's boxes with the see-through golden-cellophane windows everyone had for their Christmas tree.

Karnov: and Russia hasn't changed AT ALL...

Rubikon: a black Santa Claus in 1982? REVOLUTIONARY.

Deborah Van Valkenburgh: Henry Rush's father, our grandpa, still has a little brown in HIS white hair...

Deborah Van Valkenburgh: yes, i was your scene partner in that acting class we took in Brentwood...

Lindy Lenz: do you turn your tires INTO THE CURB or OUT INTO THE CURB when you're parking on a hill?

Bruce Lee: omg are you really moving to San Francisco to be with me? 

Lindy: only if you get me an electric hovercar...

Andrew Rush: in the '80s there were a lot of episodes about family members suddenly going missing, a lot of BEING LOST in the '80s...

Andrew Rush: sister, warrior woman, come out to play...

Deborah Van Valkenburgh: Andrew, that doesn't mean what you think it means...

Andrew Rush: am i gonna stay a baby this whole series?...

Floyd County Productions dish-bitch blonde woman in greasy dirty white wifebeater shirt in the end-credits title card: Tai later in life...

Jim from The Head: as you're watching Season 2, you start to daydream. you imagine ALL the shows you watch continuing in perpetuity even if you've stopped watching them. Space Dandy is currently in Season 46, yeah, that show never stopped making new episodes...

Cheers: we're in Season 100.........Sam Malone still looks good for his age...

Young Elvira: how do i maintain my figure? ice skating...

babe: maybe you'll listen to me cos i'm a babe. you MUST dispose of your used oil properly or the sewers will get all gunked up and your house pipes will be backed up for years. don't dump your oil down the garbage disposal. compost your oil. or rub that oil all over my naked body when i do wrestling in the inflatable swimming pool in your backyard...

Boc: ANIMAL IN FRONT OF ME!!! shit that was scary. don't worry, beating heart, not a Dobermann Pinscher, a Poe crow. i feel better now...

Jen R: if it's 3 red hearts, it means the love of a friend, if it's ONE red heart, that's romantic love.

Mr. Belvedere: there wasn't ONE Thanksgiving episode!!! if there's ONE thing a British butler is there for it's to cook the Thanksgiving dinner!!!

Christopher Hewett: no food episode?!!!

Cotard: my favorite episode, of course, is "Heather's Monk".

Codrus: mine, too.........but for VERY different reasons...

Minster: Heather Owens was EVERYONE's first and only love...

Tracy Wells: EVERY television actress ends up selling real estate in Encino...

Cotard: wait was i supposed to bring the coating?...

Minster: the breading, like Christ's body.

Mason Rudolph: i'm the lead singer of Type O Negative...

The Greibble: '80s rain was just different, '80s rain was atmospheric...

Fuerza: no, that doesn't say Patrick, that says ICE PACK...

Boc: i'm beginning to realize that the only people out walking this early will ALWAYS have their dogs with them.........no dogs no dogs no dogs...

Thomas Merton: what's tomorrow? the day i shower...

Thomas Merton: the monk shower is FINALLY done. took 23 years to build...

Julie Patzwald: Westfield Fashion Square SUCKS!!! it will NEVER hold a candle to the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

Amy Heckerling wearing a Jackson Browne varsity jacket: no comparison.

there's a knock at the door.

Kris: that's a scary-ass knock.

Ear Horn: hello dearies. i see two relatives on the couch.

Connie: technically. we're sister and brother.

Ear: delivery from KFC!!!

Connie: you look so CUTE in your KFC chicken-striper uniform with the orange-and-yellow brown stripes.

Ear: that's cos i'm 1 foot tall. i brought the sauce in Aeon Flux glass ampoules with the '80s Pic-N-Save price-tag sticker as the stopper. you're just having sauce?

Connie: i gotta watch my figure. not for vanity, for something else.

Ear: you gotta eat more, dearie. chicken bones in my backpockets, friends.

Kris: Chris Berman's Fastest 3 Minutes is always the best part of the 3 and a half hours. 

Chris Berman: i went to Yale...

Kris: Chris, Chris Berman that is, comes on around 6:50PM or so as i'm chowing down on the plum that got caught in my biscuit, and wriggle out all the corn niblets stuck in my teeth.

Connie: nibs. corn nibs being a descriptor for tits.

Kris: and then the rest of the night is fumbles, PLEASE NO concussions or other catastrophes in the third quarter, and that final field goal at the end at 8:30PM. by the time that last peal of Pink Floyd church-bells rings, i'm scarfing and scraping away the last tiny half-pea swimming in a pool of gravy from the corner of my round styrofoam half-circle cylinder.

Pink Floyd: CATHEDRAL bells. a cylinder cut in half is still a cylinder. well maybe widthwise, not so much lengthwise.

Ear: like a tree trunk, dearies, showing its age with its rings, like me and the beauty rings on my vagina.

Pink Floyd: we don't know of football. we sing about stuff like money. the TV is PERSONALLY thanking you for watching MNF on ABC, quick, decipher those letters and g'night folks...