Siren: so you know how to plan a wedding, right?
Gemini: um.........no.
Siren: it's easy.
the next day Gemini has the situation at hand and under control.
Siren: this wedding will be UNFORGETTABLE for me.
Gemini: good, cos i'm already forgetting it. so much stress to keep everything together, i called Suzy Lu for support.
Siren: no dress stress for me, i'm coming naked. i love the little touches, the Autumn wedding in winter, the LOOOOONG runway full of LARGE-ASS LEAVES of Fall that crunch under foot of a nine-inch heel.
Gemini: make sure you don't fall, that is such a wedding cliche, the bride's train is too long and she trips on her shoes...
Gemini inspects the rows of the outdoor church.
Gemini: it's an outdoor wedding but it's not a destination wedding. let me see, there's one suspicious character in the back here imma have a talk with.
Gemini gently removes Hunter S. Thompson from the premises with a tranquilizer dart he learned in Assault.
Siren: what a relief that cracker is gone, as in he was cracked in the head, now we can all relax.
Mr. T is in his finest purple silks.
Mr T: i am your officiant, you two got me on this church ride!!! i am not religious, i only follow a religion called T. ladies and gentlemen we are gathered here at this pile of hayfever autumn leaves to kiss these two goodbye i mean like cos they're starting a new life so give them some privacy. don't call them every day, don't call them for at least a year...
Mr. T: sorry i just farted.
Siren: let's not keep the audience waiting, let's get right to the vows. Gemini, i love you. i love you for the man you've become, the man you've grown into. i mean you learned American Sign Language for me!!!
Gemini: and i'll learn all the other sign languages of the world, my sweet, despite only being an American gladiator. oh Siren, my beloved muscle princess, you are my precious i mean you are precious to me, i'd do anything for you, boo.
Siren: can we exchange the gifts now? let's keep this wedding ceremony sped up, we all wanna eat.
Gemini takes the silver box...
Gemini: OH MY GOODNESS i mean goddess, this is what i wanted!!! this is BETTER THAN CHRISTMAS!!! you got it for me!!! you got me my DONUT PILLOW!!!
Siren: i got it cos you were finally honest with me, i asked you if you had butt hemorrhoids and at first you hesitated. this relationship ain't gonna work unless we tell each other EVERY FUCKING THING.
Gemini: upfront not just at the Upfronts. my butt got so sore i couldn't be near a computer anymore to type my memoirs. much less compete on The Wall...
Siren: now you can compete on The Wall with a donut pillow up your butt!!! and i got you a further surprise...
the American Gladiator Ice makes her grand appearance swishing and swashing her swaying frizzy golden hair back as she sashays up the wedding aisle.
Gemini: damn is that your uniform or body paint?!!!
Ice blows through the hole of the donut pillow, it instantly crackles with icicles and turns all ice.
Ice: there, now it's a COOL DONUT PILLOW, it'll cure your hemorrhoids faster by soothing them down like spent balloons.
Gemini: spent condoms.........thank you, Ice. can i give her a hug?
Siren: just a hug. don't touch her tits with your chest as you hug her...
Mr. T: and now may the Ring Man set forth.
Two Scoops Berry walks from the edge of the aisle to the main-stage altar. it takes him a day to complete this journey but even still he does it in record time for a non-Gladiator civilian...
Two Scoops Berry: here are your rings. not out of a cereal box. throughout your marriage whenever you're eating a bowl of cereal together in your morning nook think of me. whenever that bowl of cereal is Kellogg's Raisin Bran think of me. Kellogg's Raisin Bran is the greatest cereal of all time.
Mr. T: Wheaties for me. Wheaties with sugar...
Two Scoops: i want to bring a smile to your marriage, a smile to the world's face, when i smile you smile, cos a smile is hope, i want to forever be associated with a man and a woman smiling as they eat cereal together...
Mr. T: and now Gemini's gift for Siren.
Two Scoops presents MF DOOM's silver mask and Gemini gently places it on Siren's face.
Siren: let's save this for when we fuck in that grimy motel down the block later tonight. the church's bedrooms were all rented out...
Mr. T: you may kiss the groom.
Siren: please kiss the back of my head.
Gemini: and you the same, my sweet.
Siren: may we never throw hands, lay hands to one another on THIS particular area of the body...
atmospheric rivers: California's CUTE little hurricanes, we even have a cute little 1-5 scale to go with our cute little hurricanes...
Pat McAfee: why am i a thing?
pickleball: why am i a thing? world, stop making me a thing!!!
Pat McAfee: the tastiest sausage link on the grill? the one that's fat and circular...
sausage: wedge-shaped, doorstop-shaped...
United: don't worry, our licensed flight attendants and wine stewardesses are therapy-trained and fully equipped to handle and provide you with a United handkerchief or their sleeve while you're watching a sad movie.
passenger: i'm not crying because the turtle made it to sea, it's the altitude.
United: how cold. that's heartless. who hurt you?
passenger: a turtle. a turtle broke up with me to go to sea...
Boc: on my walk a woman said good morning, a man did not, think about it...
Lindy Lenz backpacking: that warm yellow glow of the Lucky during a rainshower.
Jackie: what's cuter than Talia asleep on top of the totem-pole hamper box of my laundry clothes?!!!
Boc: the moment i set foot on the parking lot, i fart.
Dirg: awwww, there's a man in the hotel's corner bedroom that's all glass no walls...
The Great Fairy from the Zelda games on the phone: where's my bra? it's cold out here.
flatbed lorry: in the back of my truck...
Great Fairy: are you coming soon?...
flatbread lorry: yes. i mean no. the delivery has been canceled...
The Pope: i got Christmas Tree Syndrome...
Freud: it's all in your head.........as in penis...
The Pope: i'm a woman, numbnuts. it's on my back...
Linda Evangelista: i don't date because i don't want to hear somebody breathing.
Julie Patzwald: that's nice and dark.
Linda Evangelista: especially my plastic surgeon...
Kyle MacLachlan: in the Twin Peaks world, i have perfect ears and you have the perfect face...
Bellevue Hill, Australia: not crazy.
crot: graffiti on the walls and in the lined paper of Indonesian schools.........involving cricket, cum, and curry...
Basil Fawlty: that wasn't me. i had to wash the walls...
John Cleese: Basil Fawlty, that is such a Dickensian name i came up with...
John Denver: okay yeah so the sunshine in my song was Orange Sunshine...
Tom Hanks: i got a phut fetish, i like the sound of steam squeezing out of Scottish trains...
Tom Hanks: the way you crunch into the back of that lobster...
Madison: my ex-boyfriend, the lobster, always used to call me a backbreaker in bed...
Cecily Strong: oh shit that Chloe Troast looks like me and sounds like me...
Chloe Troast: and i SING like you. and i have bigger tits than you...
Two Scoops Berry: backstage we call her Cinnamon Troast Crunch.
Cecily Strong: it just sucks when you haven't moved on but your ex has...
Bill Belichick: Mike McDaniel, you are my first favorite coach since Tommy Lasorda...
Bill Parcells: ...
Mountain Dew: FINALLY the live-action ThunderCats...
green queen: see that's the thing, she's not a bitch cos she's an ecowarrior, you have to look on her more like she's She-Hulk who's a climate lawyer.
synesthesia: i mean it's kind of a benefit, especially if you're an artist...
Julie Patzwald: if i'm gonna be in a band with you, we gotta have a drummer named Neckbones...
Eye Luggage: goth bands are not like other bands...
Tecmo Bowl: the moment you switched from AYSO soccer to Pop Warner football...
Ralph Bakshi: Mighty Mouse. Andy Kaufman. it all make sense now. Andy Kaufman is skinny me...
Boc: i wore my LOOOOONG painter's-smock T-shirt to my walk today and i looked like a wandering Hare Krishna...
Mr. T: the T-shirt was invented by me for ONLY me...
Gemini: only you have the muscles for it, T, not even I do...
Grey Goose: please sip responsibly, NOT DRINK responsibly, SIP responsibly...
Michael Weiss: "thank you, dear"?!!! that's all you can say?!!! nothing about your personal life?!!!...
Gemini: what do we do now? it's not like we're gonna retire or anything, right?
Siren: of course not, what else would we do?
No comments:
Post a Comment