notes:
* Mr. Furley in full leopard robe: remember when Gordon Ramsay guest-starred on an episode?
Gordon Ramsay: the one and only time i wore bell-bottoms...
* Larry: your parents remember these colors, your parents HAD these colors, '70s colors were a pot of beef stew with potatoes and carrots...
* Jen R: why are you sad all the time?
me: my life sucks.
Jen: trying to blitz away another day?
me: yeah. all my days are this way now. false hope. endless waiting never ends.
Jen: you gotta be smart with what you put in your body.........food i mean. you gotta protect your stomach by GENTLY eating that cold Burger King cheeseburger you microwaved for 30 seconds in careful bites. slippery elm at 2AM drunk GINGERLY down your gullet. no ginger tea. and DEFINITELY no lemon tea!!! that stuff gives you chest stress!!!
me: chest stretchmarks.
* Tom Selleck: my voice in Three Men and a Baby sounds like if Kermit the Frog were a human...
* JM J. Bullock on Too Close For Comfort: they forced me into a marriage with Lisa Antille. i had to be with the Spanish maid even though i was clearly and obviously gay. and they forced me to be a cop. i mean who the fuck would willingly choose to become a security guard?
* Ted Knight on Too Close For Comfort: i was not in my right mind during that show. had nothing to do with age. they kept forcing me to LAUGH my trademark nervous struggle-laugh over everything. I HAD TO LAUGH AT EVERYTHING...
* Kyle Brandt: i wish i had named my son Pierre...
* Michael Weiss: i just realized i have no one on Instagram to talk sports with...
* Velvet Taco: Jem's pussy.
* The Head: sex, then the open road in an open convertible, then french fries from the drivethru in a crudely-drawn neighboring town, what more could you want out of life?
Jim: have you tried sex? sex is great. sex like THAT is great. we need to get you an alien woman.
me: it's weird but i'm jealous of Jim's life and he's a drawing...
* Leslie Parrish: i believed in Bach's concept of soulmates.........we later divorced...
JS Bach: ...
JS Bach: i mean i probably WAS married to you, i had 10 wives and 100 children...
* gate lice: the only way to board a plane in 2024.
Guttenberg: not in the '80s. there was plenty of room in airports in the '80s for running around...
* Holt Hanley: Nazare, the waves were so big there those waterfalls transformed me into a Shinto monk.
EZ Taylor: i feel you, surf bro, they made my van electric.
Holt: a van infused with spiritual electricity.
EZ farting after a hot dog: no, an electric van, no gas...
* Gladyce: i love when the dry spaghetti hooks, they look like little Little Bo Peep canes...
* pastoral psychology: i'm Freud but i splash holy water in your face before each session...
* Betty Boop: don't touch my tiddlies.........i am NOT winking at you...
* Princess Zelda: i have a triangular butt...
* Carly Severn: i know of only one circus performer who's flexible and stretchy enough to eat out her own cunt.........but she lives in Los Angeles...
Carly Severn: yeah speaking of forced decks, she performs her naked-pretzel-spider-walk in the Greater Los Angeles Metropolitan Area in people's backyards for parties on very nice rose oakwood polish-finish mahogany cedar decks otherwise used for outdoor grilling...
Gilbert Gottfried: roasting the stars under the stars...
Oscar Wilde: ...
* Frontdoor video app.
Paul smelling the rusted toilet chain through his mustache: i don't sing...
* flabongo: the first time Mr. Furley tried marijuana...
Mr. Furley: smooth.........smooth leaves...
* trash men: no Christmas card clamped onto the bin lid, we're atheists, remember?
* Peter Schrager: my best friend from St. Cyril's Lucio Rossi as a grown man...
* Harry & David: what's better than ONE box? TWO BOXES that pose as Christmas gifts, baby!!!
* Monroe Ficus in a Garfield comic-con costume: who brings their fucking Dobermann Pinscher out to The Barnyard in the morning?!!!
Nancy Dussault looking milfy: stand still for the sex pics, Monroe, i can't have you with the nervous shakes. i'm using my '80s Minolta with the three tiny grey cylindrical film canisters with the black caps.
Monroe: look, i don't know John Barrowman, okay?
John Barrowman: my relationship with Scott Gill is.........complicated...
* Omaha Steaks: comes with a styrofoam refrigerator...
* Patrick Mahomes: MVB, Most Vicious Bungle. of a call. the refs fucked up. they took away Travis Swift's historic once-in-a-million-shot lateral, a moment in time never to return...
* Toyota.
grandmother flipping through the photo album: now granddaughter, all i see IN THIS WHOLE BOOK are photos of you and a Golden Retriever. please tell me you're not a lesbian...
* Geico.
O.J. Simpson: SOMEBODY in this room stole this sports memorabilia. the most suspicious-looking dude here is that cat in the back with the fake golden mustache and gold surfer hair, the bassist for Blink 182...
happy weekend, my babies. it's too late to buy a good Christmas gift.
TOMORROW: i mean we gotta try Velvet Taco now, right?
No comments:
Post a Comment