notes:
* Jack Tripper: see the toast doesn't come with the chipped beef despite toast being on the cover of the frozen box. you gotta get your own bread. put that chipped beef on a BIG-ASS slice of Texas toast, my daddy's namesake. shit on a shingle is a San Diego ship specialty.
* Off The Air "Sex": smash a DJ cake with your bare foot and out comes a baby who smushes his facial expression when he first sees the world...
* Off The Air "Drugs"
Eric from Tim & Eric: no that was just me at the grocery store. i go to the grocery store once a year now ever since adult swim let me go...
* Off The Air "Music": i'm on drugs. everyone sees a fan, but i didn't get into music for the fans. i got into music to construct this rotary fan into an electric guitar...
Thomas Merton: ...
* Off The Air "Farts"
Delilah Toot: eradicate the fear of death. laughter is your face's response that one day you're gonna die, and a fart is your butt laughing...
* Melissa Maker: it's not smoke and mirrors, it's vinegar...
Ear Horn: it's liquid smoke, dearie, people only use liquid smoke when they're cooking in the oven...
* Too Close For Comfort.
Henry Rush: oh Muriel, you're a redhead and yet we have one brunette daughter and one blonde daughter, care to explain yourself?
Muriel Rush: what color was your hair before it went BRIGHT-AS-FUCK white?
Henry: plaid. ask Gandalf. and look under Merlin's robe.
Muriel: i rushed your fraternity, Henry. hey it's not my fault, buddy, didn't you go to bed with Diane?
Henry: from Cheers?
Muriel: from Rick and Morty. can i go out of the house today and take some photographs?
Henry: i guess. i'm a liberated '80s man.
Muriel: yeah that was the thing in the '80s, it was still a thing where the man worked and the woman stayed at home to raise the illegitimate daughters. it was QUITE REVOLUTIONARY for the woman to actually have a job of her own!!! photography IS a career, you fucking bastard.
Henry: there aren't any cute photographers out there, are there?
Muriel: just Robert Mapplethorpe.
Robert Mapplethorpe: you're a jackass, Henry Rush.
Muriel: one time Mappy and i went to bed inside a TINY TINY TINY shoebox-sized photomat in Ghirardelli Square. how do we have THIS MUCH MONEY with you just being a cartoonist?...
Henry: i bought this red duplex with the 18th-century phone THE DAY AFTER the San Francisco Earthquake...
* JM J. Bullock wearing Gallagher green-and-cream stripes for a shirt: Monroe Ficus is Shaggy from Scooby-Doo in real life...
* Captain Jean-Luc Picard: the BBC Studios, like all of Britain, is a series of cramped narrow alleyways...
Monroe Ficus: i squeezed in there to do Hollywood Squares...
Jean-Luc: GET MONROE FICUS OUTTA HERE!!! Monroe Ficus off my fucking bridge.
* Mr. Holland: no high-school music teacher can post a half-million $500,000 bond...
* PG&E: there was a major storm and the power didn't go out, THAT, my friends, is a Christmas miracle.
Jackie: food and sex...
* Boc: i see you, Poe crow. i hear you, cawcaw.
Paul: caca.
Boc: can you believe we STILL gotta wait ONE more week?!!! unbelievably there were no WATERDOGS this morning!!! this street is named after a dolphin, there's a tiny little tuna-company stone-mosaic circle mounted on the sewer grille as the plaque...
* Chandler Bing: you can't compare 6 with 666...
* Port Sunlight: the prettiest model village there ever will be, enameled circle plaques everywhere...
* Roger Federer: where do i get my crazy personality from? Madame de Meuron of course.
* Jen R: so i'm thinking if my backbone was jelly like that i could twist into some very unique sex positions.
Aeon Flux: it's not worth it in the end.
me: i'll say. were you guys watching Boxing Helena when you were writing the ending of that episode?
Jen R: i've never seen the immigration debate laid out in such stark graphic detail like that before...
* Jen R: sleep divorce, we gotta talk about this.
me: THE ENTIRE POINT OF MY LIFE was to have you IN my bed.
* the band Travis: this was not what anyone wanted.........why does it always rain on football?...
* Naismith: the first basketball was a football!!!...
Kakashi: the invention of basketball was not an accident, it was created to fill a need. the boys simply would not play Drop the Bells...
* Doryce: i know you have a warm heart, dear.
Gladyce: aww that's sweet, how can you tell, dear?
Doryce: cos you just took out the trash and you're feeling warm, dear.
* 6-pack of stomach muscles: not for show, for health.
* Jen R: i don't think about sex anymore, i have a kid, i'm a mom.
me: fair point.
* Amazing Stories: in the '80s magicians with playing cards, Medieval Times silver rings, and rabbits were still a BIG DEAL.
Melissa Maker: dontcha love how in Canada we made the Government Building a Medieval Times?...
* Tiny Naylor's: if Pea Soup Andersen stole daddy's T-bird on the PCH...
* Sam Egan: Canadian actors really know how to play the asshole...
* Doryce: more and more old people today are having rough sex. here is why this is a problem...
Gladyce: no dear, the article says more and more YOUNG people today are having rough sex.
Doryce: oh.........wait but now the article doesn't make sense...
* Suzy Lu: the Coca-Cola truck is my Christmas tree.
Kakashi: getting my father back alive would be my Christmas tree.
* Gladyce: i mean it's very complicated to have a hot dog. you know? you need SO many items: the hot dog. the hot-dog bun, the ketchup, the mustard, the sour cream...
Doryce: not that hot dog.
Gladyce: you gotta make sure ALL FIVE items are replenished at all times or no dog.
* John Larroquette: sorry, Night Court ain't new tomorrow, your Comcast just made a typo...
* Doryce: head voice? when i squeak in pleasure.
Phil Anselmo: no it's not that, it's that metal baritone.
Freud: no it's when you ONLY hear MY voice in your head...
* Ear Horn: unlike ugly Christmas sweaters there are no such things as ugly Christmas mittens, you need mittens or you'll burn your hand in the oven.
* American Express.
daughter: aw mom, i don't wanna play tennis. i like basketball.
mom: that really sucks, daughter. try to see it from my perspective. tennis is an EASY sport, it's just the one racquet and you get ALL the money when you win. no team to split it with. you'll also never get a concussion.
Genie Bouchard: ...
daughter: also i'll end up a loner weirdo.
* Shaq: see there's my problem, i'm reading a book on giraffes, i need to be reading a book on the Monte Iberia eleuth.
* Jon Hamm completely naked in bed under black-and-white satin sheets: Christmas is for families. it's also the perfect time for an extramarital affair...
happy weekend, my babies. Christmas is in 3 days. i know, Christmas sucks, and it's in 3 days.
TOMORROW: the basket of fries is free only if there's a french-fries Christmas tree at your local McDonald's in its corner, helping it along in life...
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