me: take me to church.
Jen R: can't. it's not Sunday.
me: YOUR religion i will look into.
Jen R: if you don't join my church you can't have me. just kidding. Sunday spiritual, dancing with the Lord so the Lord solves all your problems, it's that sort of thing.
me: there is no prayer without dance, that's what the monks taught me.
me: where to?
Jen: right around the corner here, don't you love that everything is packed-in and wet? Westsider Books in NYC.
we get there and Allen Ginsberg is already causing a kerfuffle asked to leave for the third time this morning for chessing naked.
Allen Ginsberg: no matter what i do, i will NEVER be as cool as Jack Kerouac.
it's Jen and i on one side of the giant indoor pewter chess table in the middle of the cantilever bookstore and Ice Cube on the other.
Ice Cube: i'm already up 1-0 by looking at you, fool, i knocked down your king with my gang stinkeye. i'm Mister Steal Yo Queen.
Jen: wait, i gotta plan.
Jen switches the chess pieces with shot glasses of vodka.
Jen: there, suddenly i see the board CLEARLY now. i checkmate Cube in 999 seconds flat!!!
Ice Cube: no fair, i can't switch em with bottles of 40 cos they're too big...
Jen: 40 ounce to pounce, my nigga, next time try your hand and middle finger at Drinkopoly...
buttertoes: Doryce's toes on Thursdays...
buttertoes: when Orville Redenbacher tried BDSM...
George Clooney: tomatoes in space will never deflate...
toastery: where the oldest Mortal Kombat arcade cabinet is being stored for ransom...
tea: it calms your spirit body down, too.
spirit body: those mulled leaves soothe my upset depressed sick swirly gut...
tea: it's a middle drink. cuppa at 3PM or 4PM...
Iceland volcano: don't worry, this wasn't the perceived mushroom cloud...
teachers: hunger in America. we REALLY don't pay teachers enough. most depressing commercial OF ALL TIME.
Julie Patzwald: if we're gonna form a goth band the drummer's name has to be Noodlebox...
Kurt Cobain: i would have stayed if i had known plaid cake would be a thing in the future...
Fuerza: it's not a halo, it's a Brocken spectre, a glory, backscatter...
Nancy Dussault: you've become part of the unwashed masses of X formerly known as Twitter? i am SO disappointed in you, Monroe.
Monroe Ficus: sorry, Mrs. Rush...
me: Nancy Dussault was ALMOST related to me, almost my aunt...
Too Close For Comfort red house: i always thought that was where Clifford the Big Red Dog lived...
Jen Pizarro: when i watch Diane on Rick and Morty, i start to get the shakes...
Eye Luggage: The Manchurian Candidate and go.
Laertus: i came in SIX minutes after this picture started in the theater and i know what it's about and i ain't telling!!! there's been stuff like this before but i can't quite put my finger on it...
Frank Sinatra: why was i paid a king's ransom to do this? why was i paid more than the entire landlocked nation of Switzerland is worth?
Roger Federer: hey man don't bring that up again, it's not cool, we're still smarting over that.
Sinatra: i mean my acting here is OKAY but it's not anything special, nothing earth-shattering, nothing revelatory. i mean there's a reason i'm a DAMN SINGER...
Eye: babe, do you remember?
Laertus: no. i only remember Nelson Mandela is my father.
Eye: good. Nelson Mandela is EVERYONE's father. as long as you remember our love.
Laertus: i could NEVER forget us.
Takahashi: brainwashing as a word and a concept, this film really invented that.
Snoop Dogg: before 1962 those minds were DIRTY, boy. our parents really lived it up WITHOUT the sticky icky.
Dirg: Snoop on the Stoop?
Snoop: don't try to be cool, blood, you ain't no cuzz of mine.
Laertus: i mean it's crazy to think this was released IN THE MIDDLE OF the Cuban Missile Crisis!!! i don't know if this film HELPED things or EXACERBATED tensions.
JFK: i'll let you know in 40 years...
captured USA Army platoon: are we going to that MASH unit?
communists: sure sure whatever you say. we'll even include the ****.
Laertus: come on, i mean the Soviets AND the Chinese are working together? that would never go down in real life, those two nations are WAY too massive to be anything but their own island of isolated power.
Takahashi: the Soviets and the Chinese do not get along, and poor Japan is always caught in the middle. Japan just wants to be a U.S. state, can we replace Montana?
Laurence Harvey: i'm American but i have a strange British accent. i'm not a spy. wait am i the guy with the imaginary rabbit?
Laurence Harvey: for fuck sake why didn't i play John Lennon? i was BORN with the Beatles moptop!!!
Khigh Dhiegh: we stole your teddy bear cos we know you're a Teddy Boy. we knew that would hurt you the most.
Sinatra: Shaw should get the Medal of Honor for valor, only TWO men were killed on his watch. he's the NICEST guy in the world even though all his men, including me, hated him. we all wanted him discharged to desk duty. don't worry, the Medal of Honor means nothing, it's like the Space Force.
Angela Lansbury: are you brainwashed?
Sinatra: not yet.
Alexandra Silber: ...
Angela Lansbury: i'm Eleanor Roosevelt Iselin.........it's one of those things where whatever political party i belong to i'm such an outsize personality that you start to side with my views...
Shaw: not all loners are universally hated, take Kurt Cobain for example...
Shaw: wait is this the garden party? i forgot to bring my arugula.
communists: wait why are we doing all this on an open Broadway stage? shouldn't we be conducting these experiments in secret rooms?
Natalie Schafer: i will be your brainwasher uh radish hen for today's session...
soldiers: LOVEY HOWELL III!!! YOU are the babe we love, the other two girls on the island are too young for us...
Sinatra on the couch: doc i've been having these horrible night terrors. you gotta make the nightmares stop, i'm afraid to go to sleep. i wake up in a cold sweat with my heart in my throat.
Freud: no my friend, those aren't cold sweats, those are HOT sweats, you're having a sex dream about a VERY VERY VERY HOT BLONDE who'll come into your life later. she's a mystery blonde...
Alfred Hitchcock: ...
Alfred Hitchcock: you haven't met all the people who will love you...
Kurt: believe The Melvins, without the Melvins there is no Nirvana...
Shaw: oh yeah i remember now, i'm a sleeper agent. i'm good at making knots though i know not what for. i have this rad handkerchief collection...
Leslie Parrish: wanna fuck in my daddy's bed?
Shaw: no dear, i want to SLEEP.
Yen Lo: yo. kay? hi. dig?
Shaw: solitaire is too boring, can we make it Hearts or Cribbage?
Yen Lo: yeah it's just those little tiny cribbage pegs are a bitch to get through the airport.
Angela Lansbury: Communists have infiltrated into the Defense Department.
JFK: how do you know?
Angela: don't you watch my show? i'm a world-class detective.
JFK: that's only when the hardware store in Maine is robbed...
Sinatra: this is my private jet........that's Puffy Daddy's Courvoisier.
Shaw: i've gotten a job with Holborn Gaines. with a name like Holborn he has to be good.
Holborn Gaines: don't kill me, boy, i publish MAD Magazine. i stood up for you when your mother wanted you killed.
Angela Lansbury: murdered.
Holborn: aren't we fellow-traveler leftists?
Shaw: yes but i'm brainwashed by the right, in the grand global scheme of things this makes sense...
Holborn: when i'm gone you can have my pink bed jacket.
Angela: pinko.
Chunjin: i need work. times are tough.
Shaw: aren't you a Street Fighter? that arcade cabinet video game.
Chunjin: i'll be your valet but i don't do Green Hornet shit.
Shaw: that's va-LETT. i want dinner each day at 12 noon. what's your specialty?
Chunjin: granola, you little bitch.
Sinatra: are you ready for these fists? these feet? you ready to get ROCKED by my Sinatra Kung Fu?
Chunjin: i learned from the old masters. i learned from Regular Show's Mordecai at mall karate.
Janet Leigh: howdy stranger.
Sinatra: i mean DAMN you look good, woman. is this the best Janet Leigh has EVER looked?
Hitchcock: she smelled in my shower.
Sinatra: hold me.
Janet Leigh: anything you say, sport.
Sinatra: steady me, keep me upright, i get seasick and vomit on trains...
Janet Leigh: does one of the cars on this train have a shower?
Sinatra: you shouldn't take a shower. ever again. i'll wear the vomit on my shirt like a badge of honor.
Janet Leigh: you know where this train is heading, doncha?
Sinatra: i know i know, Delaware, Joe Biden is about to become President...
Sinatra: thanks for bailing me out, kid.
Janet Leigh: one of your Vegas shows should cover the cost of one NYC taxicab fare. want me to suck your black eye out?
Sinatra: your face tells me you've made an ill-advised life-altering decision suddenly...
Janet Leigh: i went up to my fiance and told him Frank Sinatra fell on my lap on a train so the engagement is off.
Sinatra: yeah i heard about Tony Curtis, he dumped you like yesterday's sack of potatoes. how you holding up?
Janet Leigh: THESE are literally the divorce papers i'm holding in my hand in front of you right before your blue eyes. Tony Curtis is a fucking bastard.
Jamie Lee Curtis: Ensure was the formula in my bottle when i was a baby...
Leslie Parrish: i got some Spalding Gray penicillin for that snakebite.
Shaw: i only do Jewish penicillin, chicken soup. suck the poison out, place your mouth on my ankle. you ride your bicycle in your panties?
Shaw: loving the log cabin here. Wings of Evangelion where the hunting head should be mounted, nice Illuminati touch.
Shaw: those were the best days of my life. why did they have to end? all i did was eat, watch television, and fuck Jocelyn in her daddy's bed. why is summer only three months?...
Sinatra: what color will our kitchenette be?
Janet Leigh: eggshell blue. but we've only been dating for a week.
Sinatra: how many kids will we have and what are their names?
Janet: two, one boy, one girl, both named Jamie. don't you wish life was this way and this fast?
Sinatra: announce the banns of marriage.
Janet: the only ban i have is a chastity belt. i'm blonde so obviously i'm an atheist.
Sinatra: Clytemnestra...
Shaw: that restaurant in Big Sur?...
Sinatra: like my old book collection? NYC has ALL the books, kid...
wallet-pics exchange.
Sinatra: she's cute, she looks like my gal but 30 years younger.
Janet Leigh: man, fuck you.
Shaw: do Buddhists celebrate Christmas?
Kristian: KFC.
Sinatra: they celebrate the Winter Solstice like we all do, The Longest Night, we're all gonna die. is this liqueur lemon?
Shaw: that's chocolate milk.
Eye: okay i mean the one thing i was NOT expecting from this film was a COSTUME PARTY.
Laertus: i know, right? Abraham Lincoln? Republicans still have no IDEA what Lincoln actually stood for!!!
Angela Lansbury: my husband's not a useful idiot, he's a bumbling idiot. i shoulda been the Queen of HEARTS...
Shaw: i mean you come dressed as a GIANT PLAYING CARD of the Queen of Diamonds. isn't that a bit on the nose?
Leslie Parrish: how'd you find out about my nose job? i've been studying the concept of the Buddhist soulmate down in Woodland Hills.
Shaw: and what did you find?
Leslie: there's no such thing. what have you been doing all this time?
Shaw: i joined the ACLU.........the first year of the ACLU...
Angela: no woman's good enough for my son!!! son i want you to enter the Jordan brownstone, take out his milk from his refrigerator, and make sure that carton of milk is SOUR, boy.
George Bush: all this to become Vice President? not worth it.
Marshall Applewhite: how are you going to deprogram him? a forced deck of 52 Queen of Diamonds?
Sinatra: one better, a deck of 52 UNO cards with the bubblegum smell intact.
Sinatra: you are gonna NOT assassinate the president. i command it. do as i say. this is like that ONE acting class i took...
Angela Lansbury: i'm kissing you in an incestuous way. get it, son?
Shaw: moms can kiss their sons on the lips, but they should never use tongue.
Codrus: this is really giving priests a bad name.
Cotard: this is looking like Looking for Mr. Goodbar...
Robert Redford: and The Natural...
Shaw: scope the bitch. oh shit i packed my WATERGUN instead!!! dang it, i wasn't planning on continuing, what am i gonna do now?
Sinatra: become a lounge singer like Sid Caesar...
Jeff Van Gundy at Madison Square Garden: i get it, the Knicks suck, you didn't have to rub it in like that. g'night folks.
Jeff Van Gundy: oh and go to my Go Fund Me Van Gundy.
Janet Leigh: want some milt in your morning mourning cornmeal oatmeal?
Sinatra: that's not going in our kitchenette.
Khigh Dhiegh: i look cool. i can only look this cool with a bald head.
Madame Spivy: i'm Madame Pons's mom. i conjured up Marie Dressler in an Eastern European circus tent in 1868. i create Nintendo enemies for a living...
Timothy Leary: the Cold War sucked, we needed drugs to escape. it's not mind control, it's brainwashing for the good, with psychedelics you're fighting the war in Heaven instead of Vietnam. it's not about Right or Left, it's about autonomy, i take Orange Sunshine for my continence. could a Manchurian candidate happen today? it already has, it's a scary world out there, Lee Harvey Oswald is still alive. the only incorruptible human being left on Earth is Jim Henson. you can NOT corrupt Jim Henson, he's the nicest fellow you'll ever meet.
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