Jen R is driving Aeon Flux's Batmobile from that one episode...
i'm in the passenger's seat, Aeon Flux is in the backseat.
Aeon Flux: who knew? i had a Batmobile like this.
me: you're a good driver, Jen.
Jen: i never go slower than 100mph. that saves time. and gasoline.
Jen puts on the car radio to the Tears For Fears song "Advice For The Young At Heart".
me: this song always leaves a lump in my throat.
Jen: yeah, it's that mystical sound-tone in the middle that instantly makes the bride an older woman...
Jen R: have you noticed anything different about my voice?
me: it's sexier.
Jen: well that's a cruel thing to say. how dare you, sir. but it's true, i'm talking with Aeon Flux's voice from the cartoon, which is the SEXIEST VOICE OF ALL TIME.
Aeon Flux: thanks, bitch.
Jen: where are we going?
me: Shakespeare Tavern.
Jen: the one in New York City?
me: no the one in Atlanta.
Jen: oh that's brilliant!!! and better anyway, the one in NYC is just another gastropub. this one in Atlanta is an ACTUAL recreation of the Original Globe Theatre of Shakespeare's day. i know the main director and actor running the place, he was a BRILLIANT Othello last month!!!
Rubikon: thanks, bitch.
Aeon: what's the show on today's stage?
Jen: they're doing Season 3 of The Goes Wrong Show...
Aeon: well finally.
Jen: yeah i started smoking again but i'll be sure NOT to bring my antique matches...
Suzy Lu and Kakashi are on the Aeon Flux trains.
Suzy Lu: we practiced this, remember love?
Kakashi: i watched the previous couple...
the two are on opposite trains steaming toward each other. the two try to lock tongues but the microchip is not passed to the other's chamber located inside their tooth...
Suzy: what happened?
Kakashi: it's your teeth, my tongue got stuck in your braces like a caged chicken.
Suzy: oh yeah sorry, bruv, i forgot i still had my braces on!!! they're invisible so everyone forgets about them. even my dentist. OH MY GOD I SAW YOUR FACE!!! i thought you were just gonna wear your trusted backup mask under your mask.
Kakashi: it's at the cleaners.
Suzy: i had forgotten how CUTE you were under your mask!!! i keep forgetting you don't have a hairy mole or lockjaw or something.
Julia Ioffe to Michael Weiss: you must really have good friends on Instagram if they're willing to leave you a message and wait TILL TOMORROW for you to respond to it...
Tommy DeVito: when you live with your parents you have the swag to pull off the RED Mr. Serling Mr. Kotter coat...
Tommy DeVito's agent: i gotta start my new life with Dick Tracy. we Italians contain multitudes.
Bell & Howell: the only way to see Bigfoot...
black Apple II Plus computer: not goth, Darth Vader was popular at the time...
Peregrine Pearson drinking perry: when does The Late Phoenix get some of that viscount money?!!!...
Travis Swift: that lateral counted.........picture in your mind that that lateral counted...
Leslie Sbrocco: pork perfume, better than Chanel No. 5...
Amazing Stories "Guilt Trip".
Dom DeLuise: i kissed Loni Anderson's mouth for a good 10 minutes without taking a breath. which is hard for a fat man.
Loni Anderson: i know you're a good cook and a French chef but your breath stinks like rancid fish!!!
Burt Reynolds: i directed this episode. i filmed my wife kissing another man for network television. that is kinky.
Charles Nelson Reilly: i left comedy to enter the priesthood...
Tommy Cutlets: i got the perfect mob-boss name.........but i'll tell you i love you with my big Italian smile...
Tommy DeVito: i really need an apartment now. need my own place. anybody got a Zillow under the Verrazano Bridge with enough room for my paisan Lucio Rossi?...
the Aqua Teen Hunger Force with Carl: we're proud of you, Tommy.
Tony Manero: yeah i'm real proud of you, Tommy, you were able to move out, you were able to escape the neighborhood, i'm still here with my 3 uh 2 mook friends...
at a Salinas dumpster fire.
Salinas Fire Chief: i'm the Salinas fire chief so i was fired from my job but nobody has any idea why. fired, get it?
Michael Weiss on Instagram: i've lost all track of which women are vegan and which women are meateaters...
Tyzik: wait how can a bot have 4000 followers on Instagram?...
The Head on MTV: this show brings me back to when i started writing and drawing cartoons when i was 5 years old in the garage using the garage-door lightbulb as my light at night...
Melissa Maker: desktop vacuum, no i do NOT want one of these for Hanukkah.
Dr. Vacc wearing Redbottoms: i do...
Rafael Nadal: i hit a hole-in-one once.
Carlos Alcaraz: me, too.........in miniature golf...
Norwich Castle: we got the best Golden Hours on our sidewall here...
Joyce Cary in a bed coat: unfortunately i'm Irish but i'm the OTHER less-famous Joyce...
slippery elm: when Freddy Krueger starts to feel better...
Freddy Krueger: when i DECIDE to feel better and that i'm finally gonna do something about my health, get serious about my health, when i start to feel healthy about myself...
Boc: food poisoning is a BLESSING...
Carly Severn: can a woman eat her own cunt out?
Prince: yes but she needs to be one of those REALLY FLEXIBLE STRETCHY circus performers. it's the same on the other side, a man can't give himself a blowjob, i've snapped a few ribs trying. it's a shame really, it would make things so much easier, women and men wouldn't have to date each other anymore, that whole dating scene is so exhausting.
Jen R: every band has an album entitled Crash...
Codrus: wait, Kirti Gompa monastery, their monks play CRICKET as their initiation?!!! sign me up, Indian Buddhism is WAY BETTER than Catholicism.
Cotard: plus, Kirti Gompa sounds like Willy Wonka, that's why they started to give their novitiate monks little cute chocolate candies to lure them to the sexless life.
Kirti monks: a quiet life. an uneventful life. have you ever played 1000 innings of cricket in a silent stadium?...
Willy Wonka in a '70s baseball uniform: '70s MLB baseball in the United States and Canada was the most sumptuous dank experience you could have as a young man. better than acid.
Ear Horn: Lechuza, bruja barn owl, the Mexican-witch version of Poe's raven...
Eye Luggage: Three Men and a Baby and go.
Spock: after this people thought i was Dr. Spock but i'm just Simple Spock, you know the guy with the ears who is so smart he learned English in one hour and can speak 1000 space languages. who calmly tells you you're a moron. you know, Leonard Nimoy the garden painter.
Celine from Before Sunrise: i wrote and directed the original French version of this...
Glenn Close: how the FUCK did THIS surpass Fatal Attraction? Fatal Attraction was a PHENOMENON.
Michael Douglas: people needed a break, you know?...
Tyzik: okay let's get this urban-legend business out of the way, THERE IS NO URBAN LEGEND, IT'S JUST A CARDBOARD STANDEE. i mean really you think some young boy offed himself with a rifle and he's there in the room looking and posing for Ted Danson with sad eyes holding the rifle? why? if i were the boy i'd be at the Cheers bar drinking myself to death with illegal underage beer...
Ted Danson: forget AI, just use cardboard standees for actors. movies would be so CHEAP to produce!!! my standee looks better than me, he doesn't need plastic surgery, his hair will always be brown, and he's in the continuous blissful state of performing Puttin' On The Ritz...
Tom Selleck: have you heard my VOICE in this? it's so soft and mellowed-out and almost scared, i didn't have that Magnum, P.I. energy in the timbre of my voice yet...
Tom Selleck: have you seen my blueprints? they give me blue balls.
Steve Guttenberg: i'll never be as good as Cosmic Cow. think back to the intro to Too Close For Comfort, that calming meditative marina, eating Spaghetti-Os as a boy of 7, 12-noon on a Saturday with nary a care in the world...
Ted Danson: spoilers, i'm the baby's father...
Tom: thank you for this lavish birthday party at a New York City highrise...
Jen R: this is so '80s NYC cliche. WE never got to experience this life, only Wall Street people did...
Tom: the premise is wrong, there is no such thing as a happy bachelor...
George Clooney: true.
Ted: i didn't recognize you with clothes.
woman: and i didn't recognize you without a drink in your hand. which is the bigger problem, naked or alcoholic? naked is easily solved...
Ted: i'm trying to remember this Sylvia woman.........i can't cos this is the actress's first-ever role...
Stratford Festival: like the Shakespeare Tavern but you get pregnant here...
Jen R: see what i did there...
Melissa Maker: i got you, bitch...
Ted: i'm in Turkey on the set of that Michael Jackson music video but ironically the dog food i'm promoting is salmon-flavored. i used to eat dog food when i was a struggling actor...
Tom: you're spending Thanksgiving in Turkey which means nothing to the people over there...
Tom: what's a baby doing at our doorstep?
Steve: drug deal gone bad. hey don't you love all the artwork i did on our front door here? the caricatures of all our faces, don't you love that NYC street-art vibe? very Parisian...
Tom: i'm starting to get the-greenhouse-from-The-Hand-That-Rocks-The-Cradle vibes coming from our house...
Tom: i can take care of a baby, i'm an architect for Christ's sake, i know how to build houses, i know homes, i know how to keep your home with a reverse mortgage...
Steve: Tom, i REALLY like you in these '80s jogging pants doing the StairMaster with your hands...
Tom: what's the difference between Pampers and diapers?
Ear Horn at Pic-N-Save: one of them leaves a killer diaper rash.
Tom: the difference between milk and formula?
Ear Horn: one is for cereal only. ah formula, that is such a witch-spell name, makes me faint. formula must be heated in the bottle in a saucepot on the stove for 130 degrees or the baby gets cholera and rabies.
Colin Quinn: six degrees of separation, aye? if i had joined up with you and become a Kid In The Hall, my career would have gone somewhere...
Dave Foley: ...
Dave Foley: i was told this was the White Noise grocery scene...
Cynthia Harris: luckily i'm here, i love babies, know how to care for babies, and really i should have been the mother of the baby at the end...
Guttenberg: FUCK!!! i burned the front of my wrist checking for the milk's warmth.
Backdraft: ...
Guttenberg: now i can't get a tattoo there...
William Baldwin: a little dab'll do you, one drop of milk on the front of your wrist, that always icked me out, always scared me...
changing the diaper.
Baby Huey: they really go for it in this movie if you know what i mean.
drug dealers: yeah the POWDERED MILK is the package, got it, wink wink nudge nudge.
Tom: there was a mixup.
drug dealers: yeah i mean who drinks powdered milk?!!! that's disgusting, not even BABIES should be drinking powdered milk!!! just go with the baby mama's tit milk, that's rich in nutrients and warm feelings.
Tom: i panicked, sorry. i got freaked out when i saw that cop ON A FUCKING HORSE!!!
Steve Guttenberg: look at this cartoon character i conjured up.........i created Chester Cheetah but it doesn't work cos he should be on cocaine, not heroin.
baby: i like eating Cheetos. i get my mouth all messy and orange, it's quite messianic...
Sergeant Melkowitz: i got my eye on you. can i hold the baby?
Tom: the baby's in Stratford-upon-Avon...
Melkowitz: i'm hot on the trail for one Matthew Makowski, my troubled demon-seed St. Cyril's nephew...
Mrs. Hathaway bound and gagged: how did the dealers know i was secretly into BDSM?
Aeon Flux: ...
Mrs. Hathaway: this experience was so traumatic i birthed Anne Hathaway.
Eye Luggage: but that SHOWER PHONE tho. that is a brilliant '80s device. see that was a new concept in the '80s. care to try it, babe?
Laertus: oh yes. we'll both be naked in the shower, i'll be on my big brick phone talking to my Wall Stret broker telling him to scrap the midcap.
Eye: while i'm sucking your dick.
Laertus: now THAT is '80s.
the three men gather.
Spock: okay it's time for the three men's famous barbershop-quartet song scene. did everyone practice the song separately in their trailer? this will only work if we get a HARMONY out of this.
Guttenberg: i swallowed the pitch pipe. hey at least the baby didn't swallow it.
Margaret Colin naked under the sheets: can you baby me like that? call me baby names and stuff.
Tom Selleck: sure.
Margaret Colin: just don't use a baby voice, a man with a mustache using a baby voice is CREEPY.
Celeste Holm: i will NOT be your kid's mother, son.
Ted Danson: mom, i'm a screwup.
Celeste Holm: your father was a screwup and now YOU are a screwup, think about it...
Ted Danson: right now picture me as Mrs. Doubtfire...
the men: we're at a construction-site elevator but i promise you this will NOT END like that Heath Ledger Batman movie...
Nancy Travis: it's weird, right? seeing me trying to pull off a British accent as my first thing...
Steven Spielberg: take heed, this will be the last movie in which three men cry real tears...
George Lucas: did your heart falter when the baby went missing? did your heart skip a beat in anguish and fright? is your heart in your throat right now? good, this is called forced separation anxiety in filmmaking to see if even bachelor men are still human...
the three men: and now because this is the '80s the ending must be us running to an airport...
Mario Joyner: yeah i'm that stand-up comic you always saw in the '80s in front of that brick wall.........i am in no way related to Mario Van Peebles...
Guttenberg: your comic is better than my comics.
Mario Joyner: the first time your baby girl calls you DADDY, your heart will melt and it will never be put back together again. yes we comedians need GREAT PAIN for our act to work...
the three men: and now because this is the '80s the ending must be us running through an airport...
Guttenberg: now see, this is why America goes to the movies. for this type of ending, this completely unrealistic everything-put-in-place happy ending where the FIVE of us all live under one roof raising and rearing the baby. it's pure fantasy and OOH OOH OOH but do we NEED this fantasy in our lives. for hope. we CRAVE that warm comforting soothing reassuring allaying feeling of everybody being in a house together. g'night folks.
Tokyo Godfathers anime film: the BEST version of the 3 Godfathers trope...
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