Jimmy Connors: what time's the squirt's lesson?
Chris Evert: Kris's tennis lesson is at 3. Indian Palms. Roger's coming to the house to pick him up.
Kris: aw dad, i don't want to play tennis. i don't want to be like you.
Jimmy: you gotta do SOMETHING with your life, kid. can't just sponge off my earnings.
Chris: actually you could if you were VERY frugal throughout your life with Jim's winnings.
Kris: i'll do it!!! i swear!!! it's a special kind of skill but i can do it!!! i can achieve this, i have the burning willpower to be a life bum!!! i'll only eat ONE KFC a week...
at the Indian Palms casino tennis court.
Roger Federer: this is a nice place your parents have here.
Kris: do they own this casino? i honestly have no idea.
Roger lugging a chain-link basket of balls: time to work on your forehand. your forehand is like leg day...
Kris: what's the point? what can i do? what kind of forehand can I hit? you've already perfected the forehead with your frozen rope.
Roger: you know it's funny but when i started becoming a coach, i realized that the world HAS COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT ME. yeah, it's true. shockingly unbelievable but true. it's amazing how the world just carries on like nothing happened after witnessing utter greatness. when they announced my retirement on ESPN, all ESPN did was have Patrick McEnroe for one five-minute segment talk about not how i was the GREATEST player of all time but rather how i was the player that made the world LOVE TENNIS AGAIN.
Kris: hey it's better to be loved than hated. adored than scorned.
pizza cutter: a tool used to cut.........pizza boxes...
Ernest Hemingway: you had forgotten you liked key lime pie, that you actually preferred it to apple or pumpkin...
Target parties: that Utada Hikaru song about washing dishes...
Hyoga from Dr. Stone: i have the same mask as Kakashi from Naruto.
Suzy Lu: and you have the SAME FACE as my Kakashi!!!
the greatest benefit of tea: helps you relax...
Caroline: i am the reincarnation on of Mrs. Talbott. learning the organ is a life skill. don't mind me, i don't need to be invited in, i'll wait out here staring at the traffic. that's a lucid comment of mine addressing how shitty our location in Carmel is...
dad and i watching Too Close For Comfort.
Henry Rush: remember what word i taught you when you're out on your date?
Lisa Antille: no.
dad: um, no is already a Spanish word.
Lisa Antille: i know. besides i'm actually Italian anyway...
Ted Knight: i tried to patent my laugh but they said Jack Nicholson had already patented it. the patent office in those days was located in an insane asylum...
Bruce Lee calls Lindy Lenz again after awhile...
Lindy Lenz: hello? only my mom, doctor, and one other man has this number.
Bruce Lee: it's me. i love you.
Lindy: aw that's sweet.........is that it?
Bruce: yeah.
a week later.
Bruce: hello? it's your favorite nuker.
Lindy: what is it?
Bruce: .........i miss you.
Lindy: okay.........i guess that's.........still sweet...
caffeinated tea: defeats the purpose...
Noele Gordon: i was the British Judy Garland. i invented the Brummie dialect. i never married, but at least i never married Vincente Minnelli...
Vincente Minnelli: everyone thinks it's Vincent Minnelli, Mandela effect...
Embiid: hey does anyone stick around to watch Pistons Postgame?...
Gladyce: there's nothing i love more than freshly-washed towels, it's like getting a lasagna out of the oven...
Pat Phoenix: i feel i should know her...
deer tick: looks like a strawberry Fruit Roll-Up...
The Weather Channel: nobody's watching your channel anymore, you've given up, when you start doing segments where all you're doing is making hot cocoa...
Baroness Mone: i'm money, baby!!! i'm made of money!!!
Madame Pons: ...
Boc: when it's 6AM at The Barnyard on an abandoned Sunday morning, the Christmas lights on the triangular roofs are still on, and that eerie glow coming from the bathroom hits the corner of your eye as you walk alone, that's scary.
Hilda from Lucky: when it's overcast at 6AM, the yellow lights inside Lucky FULLY LIGHT the grocery store, that's magic.
Joe Flacco clapping: finish!!! let's finish, men. i can't believe i'm saying stuff like this again. i'm a grown man!!! i'm 40!!!
Boc: butterkeks, mmm, that REALLY sounds like a good time. butter all slathered on the butt like that. i'm just waiting till they make Butter Ramen...
Ted Knight, Henry Rush on Too Close For Comfort: i was the kinder gentler '80s version of Archie Bunker...
Goron in Tears of the Kingdom in his rockball-formation attack position mode.
Goron: as i launch, i repeatedly implore you Link, "WHY'D YOU DO IT?!!!"
Tommy DeVito: remember Catholic school? remember when they served us Bosco chocolate milk in the cafeteria?...
Roger Federer speaks to his pupil/client through the chain-link fence of the tennis cages.
Roger: you have a natural instinctive aptitude for this sport.
Kris: you think?
Roger: i mean you won the very first tournament you ever entered. you somehow strung together seven match victories with a 35mph first serve.
Kris: they said the prize was a tennis bracelet. i was expecting diamonds.
Roger: yeah no it's an actual bracelet you put around your wrist for winning the darn thing in lieu of the trophy. a wrist clasp.
Kris: gold?
Roger: yeah.
Kris: cool. i'll wear it. my sister's gonna be disappointed, i was gonna give her the tennis bracelet if it were diamonds...
Chris and Jimmy are perusing the family photo album.
Jimmy: i don't know ANY of these people...
Chris: hey Jimbo, remember our first wedding anniversary? those were STILL the best presents we ever gave each other.
Jimmy: yeah, we exchanged friendship bracelets. i put yours on your wrist and you did me. mine was a lanyard i weaved at summer sleepaway fishing camp in '37.
Chris: and mine was a silk plucked from my golden sun hair right before we fucked.
Jimmy: there was a lot of hairpulling that round, you had to keep ONE souvenir from your original hair.
Chris: we were doing friendship bracelets WAY BEFORE that bitch Taylor Kelce.
Jimmy: without friendship you got nothing.
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