me: thank Goddess for anesthesia and platelets.
Aaron Rodgers: you know, big strongly manly man like us NFL football players get anesthesia during surgery, too, we can't handle the pain of surgery.
Ear Horn: there is no anesthesia for sorcery...
The Pope: PLEASE let God be a woman, that is the only thing that'll make sense...
Drea Blackwell: they closed down the Mucky Duck cos it got too.........mucky. we needed Scott Van Pelt's middle-of-the-road good-clean-American-fun Drew Carey brand of humor.
mom: my knee surgery was nice and quick, it was magic how my knee pain just VANISHED, it ended before 1PM, before 1 and i had already won.
Jen R: have you heard of the Aeon Flux Kiss?
me: just post hi. post the word hi once every 4 months so i know you're still around...
Jen R: i post high. the Aeon Flux Kiss comes from the cartoon Aeon Flux where in this postapocalyptic world people don't kiss on the mouth anymore, the man sticks his tongue in the woman's ear and she gets an organism from that.
Takahashi: i love how everyone in Aeon Flux has those spindly sinews.
Aeon Flux: don't you love our music?
Jen R: i love that Cure harpsichord leitmotif.
Aeon: as you can tell from the cartoon shorts, i'm a bit.........shall we say.........sex-starved.
Jen R: your teeth start chattering at the THOUGHT of an ear kiss.
me: the more i think about this kiss.........the more hot it gets.
Jen R: let's do one.
Jen takes me to the San Luis Obispo train station. i'm on one train and Jen is on the other train on the other track, we pop our heads out the open slim windows as the trains pass each other for one MOMENT, Jen sticks her tongue down my ear and swishes her saliva all up in my canal.
me: WHAT A SENSATION!!! i've never felt anything like this before.
Jen R: this is much sexier than a train-traveling algebra question on the SAT.
me: there's something stuck in my ear. that's not my earwax.
Jen R: it's a miniscule computer-chip spider that contains all the enemy Monican info, all the traitors, only Aeon Flux is clean.
Aeon: you can tell from my dress...
Chandler Bing: Monica is NOT a traitor!!!...
Jen R: Trevor Goodchild is not who he claims to be. but he is dreamy.
me: sorry for all the wax in my ear.
Jen R: this is why you can't hear anyone!!! why you can't hear me when i call you!!!
Bruce Lee: hello?
Lindy Lenz: hello? you're calling my private phone number.
Bruce: i just wanted to see if it actually works.
Lindy: are you in San Fran? i'm in Baltimore.
Bruce: i know. take a redeye out to San Francisco please. i need to show you something.
Lindy Lenz gets to Frisco the next early morning with haggard eyes and a short temper.
Lindy: i haven't slept a wink in 5 days.
Bruce: 5 days?
Lindy: i go on alcoholic blitzing binges so i can forget i don't have epilepsy for 5 days.
Bruce: look at this thing i got!!!
Lindy: electric skateboard, big whoop.
Bruce: now i can travel ANYWHERE around the city of San Francisco WITHOUT a car, bus, or bike, it's FASTER THAN WALKING. before i couldn't go to McDonald's on the hill without a ride, now i can SKATE there in under ten minutes!!! mind you this McDonald's is on the OTHER SIDE of the city across the Bridge. all the pathways and sinuses are open to me now, i have access to whole sections of the city i never knew existed without a 7-hour bus trip.
Lindy: fine but it's just McDonald's, i mean it's not like a thing you haven't tried before, it's not new food. i'm gonna take a nap.
Bruce: i can build you a brand new bed!!! out of wood in under ten minutes, i can go to the hardware store on the other side of town right now and get a hammer...
Lindy: aren't you so along in your karate training by now that you can fly anywhere in the world in under one minute?
Morgan Freeman: this medicine will reduce your body's ability to fight infection. why does pigmentation determine ANYTHING? that's real good juice, that's all that matters.
Bellamy Young: whenever it's an all-black cast, i'm always the white best friend...
Boc: oooh, DIFFERENT. holiday music being piped through the Barnyard speakers. saxophone and jazz organ.
Snoopy: it's just weird hearing "Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer" as a jazz standard.
Woodstock: loving those Ralph Bakshi panpipes...
The Pope: white sugar from Jesus?
George Michael: they called salt white sugar back in the day, salted bread was a delicacy back then in the Levant...
me: this song is so beautiful.........yes the watch TV all day part...
Holt Hanley at the Vans Pipe Masters: i got disqualified for not wearing Vans...
EZ from Three's a Crowd: use my van...
Salinas City Council: is everyone here for this most important vote? good. okay, so a raise in our salaries has just been approved, that's lunch!!!
Boc: just when i thought it was safe to go back in the walk, that the dogs were gone, all those pugnacious pugilistic mangy mutts, the ones that snap and yap at you for no reason, dude OUT OF NOWHERE pulls up on the curb corner of the gas station in a King Koopa costume pajama-bodysuit ONESIE with his dignified distinguished shar pei with a shiny shampooed coat against the overcast sky wearing one pant on his left paw...
Time Person of the Year: Taylor Swift, because King Charles III on the cover just doesn't sell many magazines...
Eye Luggage: Adventures in Babysitting and go. you know, i've never had a babysitter.........that i can remember...
Laertus: never had a crush on your babysitter?
Eye: maybe if they were all freshman college young women like Nasira Babian...
Calvin Levels: i was BY FAR the greatest actor in this movie. i have such a smooth casual flow style when it comes to acting, it comes so natural for me. a gift? nah, it's all me. i made you sympathize with a car thief. sure Maia Brewton has a smile but i can smile, too...
Maia Brewton: look at my SMILE!!! i have the NICEST smile throughout this whole film. it's so easy and warm and caring, get used to it now, cos i am NOT like this when i play the bratty younger sister of Parker Lewis. i had a constant scowl on my face over on that set...
Parker Lewis: i was expecting you to be COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.
Maia Brewton: i'm mad the Adventures in Babysitting TV show wasn't picked up. i had to give the Elisabeth Shue of the TV show a job on Parker Lewis Can't Lose...
Elisabeth Shue: i'm singing The Crystals with my hairbrush as my microphone in my bedroom. now i'm singing "Don't Wanna Change Your Mind" by FM-84 and Ollie Wride because i'm sure The Crystals are a sample in that electronica masterpiece...
Bradley Whitford: have to cancel, babe, covid.
Elisabeth: i'm disappointed. i don't want to end up like my brother...
Bradley: that wasn't Andrew's fault, TJ Holmes was just too smooth. stick with me, kid, i'm going places. i'm gonna end up in the West Wing.
Elisabeth: yeah but it's not President so i'm calculating in my head right now if you're worth it in the long run...
Penelope Ann Miller: i'm having trouble at home and nobody takes me seriously...
Elisabeth: come on, Brenda, i'm your best friend, all girls in the '80s have stepmoms, it's a Dynasty shoulderpads thing.
Brenda: Chris is a weird name for a girl...
Maia: this was revolutionary at the time, a girl liking Thor. i was the first girl to wear the Thor horns-hat. i was instrumental in the creation of Female Thor by Stan Lee...
Brad: Thor's a homo!!! all those Norse gods were homos, they all slept together cos they were too small to be Roman gods. this is America!!! we don't worship no European gods!!!
Maia: how do you know?
Brad: i mean if a man is 300 pounds of all muscle, he's gay, right?...
Daryl Coopersmith: you gotta admit, the model in this Playboy, Miss March, i mean she looks EXACTLY like Elisabeth Shue!!!
Elisabeth Shue: she REALLY does. of course i have bigger tits than her. my tits are MASSIVE...
Brenda on the payphone: Chris, i'm at the Greyhound station and i'm getting skeeved out by all the creepy men here. they all have guns and knives and pocket protectors.
Elisabeth: what do you mean?!!! Greyhound stations in the '80s are AWESOME!!! they have those TVs welded to your waiting chair that turn on when you feed them a quarter!!!
Daryl: i won't blackmail you IF i get Maia's Gizmo backpack from The Gremlins, this thing is ultra-rare, it has a thought bubble over Gizmo's head, what does it say?
Maia: nobody knows, it's too small to read even when you pause the screen.
Daryl: it better not be some lame thing about Dare to Say No To Drugs, it better say that Gizmo's favorite midnight snack is anchovies pizza.
Elisabeth: is this the Griswolds' station wagon? don't worry, i know how to change a flat tire, i'm the only girl in the '80s who went to driving school at night...
Handsome John Pruitt: i'm not David Cross. i know, i look like David Cross but i'm not David Cross. think of me as Female Large Marge.
Daryl: is that a gun in your glovebox?
Handsome: it's the '80s, it's a Nerf gun that shoots lawn darts. and now kids, get ready for the very first episode of the reality show Cheaters on the burgeoning Fox network...
Rubikon: shaking my damn head, they just blatantly have the car thief be a black man. let me guess, realistic Chicago crime at the time?
Calvin Levels: i know, they even have my name be Reagan. there are levels to this.........and levels to my acting...
Melissa Maker: Ron Canada, greatest porn name there ever was.
Greykid: i quite like Graydon as well.
Ron Canada: you kids don't belong here!!! this is a private set!!! we're shooting the Michael Jackson "Beat It" video!!!
Calvin: i work for a Dick Tracy reject villain with a melting Italian face. this is not my line of work, maybe i should read Dianetics again.
L. Ron Hubbard: Dianetics fanatic...
Calvin: i mean this whole movie doesn't happen if you simply write the hot-car order on a slip of blank paper and leave the Playboy centerfold for the syndicate to masturbate to...
Elisabeth: you see my face as i slowly turn and look at all the staring faces at the blues club? i was genuinely TERRIFIED.........cos i can't sing...
legendary blues guitar man Albert Collins: everyone can sing the blues cos everyone lives life...
Albert Collins on Telecaster: like my electric-blue hair? want an iced tea to start talking? Every Acid Dealer Gets Busted Eventually...
Elisabeth: i don't need the added stress of being lost with three kids and a vulnerable best friend at a bus station and having to come up with impromptu lyrics for a blues song!!! i go to Harvard and take tests!!!
Brad: so, um, want to date me?
Elisabeth: i date Tom Cruise.
Brad: that guy's a jerk!!!
Eye: um, that streetwalker scene was SO SAD, how old is that girl?!!! and she's already a prostitute for life...
Brad: are you sure the L train is safe?
Elisabeth: yeah, if we get knifed in a gang fight or something the hospital from the NBC show ER is on its route...
John Hughes: all Chicago movies and TV shows are in the same Chicago...
Brad: don't pierce my foot with a switchblade, sir, i didn't watch The Warriors, i chose no side. you have a cool watery dreamy T-shirt on from that tour when Michael Jackson teamed up with Pink Floyd...
Elisabeth faints.
Brad: don't faint, Liz, i lost a lot of blood but my platelets kicked in. this nice Romanian sardonic-wit black-comedy doctor from the university hospital helped me...
Elisabeth: there's something about you i'm attracted to...
George Newbern: i'm Superman but i have a soft voice and vest...
Elisabeth: yeah that's it, if we're gonna be together i JUST want to be with the Clark Kent Mister Rogers side of you...
Maia: mister, why won't you forgive our debt? i look up to you as a superhero. your lightning brings light to this dark world. you bring JOY to the world like Taylor Swift does.
Vincent D'Onofrio with a pained expression on his face: stop swimming inside my head, little girl!!! that's what I do to folks!!! you figured me out, this blond hair is because i'm a Swiftie, not Thor...
Maia: i don't get the whole Taylor Swift thing, she's just another pop star...
Elisabeth at Jack's Bistro: this little kid is more man than you'll EVER be, Bradley Whitford!!! who's your date?
date: Ellie Nash's alcoholic mother on Degrassi...
Elisabeth: i'm sorry, ma'am, i hope you get the help you need. as for YOU, Bradley Whitford, here's Madison's lobster from Splash with his back crunched out!!!...
Maia on the side of the Crain Communications Building: don't worry, i may be young but i watched the '60s Adam West Batman, just slide me a rope and i'll be fine.
Elisabeth: yeah, we already made it across a Three Stooges steel beam the length of a warehouse so we're the Flying Wallendas by now.
John Candy inside the Crain Communications Building in Chicago at the parents' party: Lower Wacker Drive is my penis. this is a cool building we're in, that roof with the DEEP CONVEX INCLINE that just slides right off. it's the perfect glass griddle to make my Giant Pancake...
Calvin: the roof of this building is smoother than me...
parents: every parent in the '80s went to parties that lasted until 1AM...
Elisabeth: i don't ignore my friends.........i just don't date them...
George Newbern: are you missing a skate?
Elisabeth: Maia is.
George Newbern: don't worry, it never snows in Chicago, no ice.
Elisabeth: you're a big teddy-bear nerd and i like your icebreaker.
George: did you see John Belushi at our frat?
Elisabeth: just missed him, he died a long time ago...
Elisabeth: i mean how many young women meet their future husbands at a frat party?...
Elisabeth Shue: the fact that i went through this ENTIRE movie wearing a long heavy winter coat that covered up everything instead of a bikini is a VICTORY.........g'night folks.
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