Chris Evert: where's John?
Jimmy Connors: that bastard? John McEnroe is attending the funeral of his late father-in-law in Vegas. he's doing the eulogy.
Chris: let me call him up. John? you okay over here? don't do the glass skyscraper thing, you're scared of heights, remember? you'll barf in your short shorts.
John McEnroe: Ryan O'Neal, like cocaine, was a hell of a man.
Chris: Kristian, help your sister clean up. supper was good. i made it.
Connie: aw mom, he always makes a mess when he eats chicken. i'm not licking the plates again.
Kris: has anyone seen my gold chain? i can't leave the house without first wearing my gold chain...
Chris: i'm getting a BEEP on my phone while i'm on the phone, must be another call. oh it's Aunt Steffi!!!
Steffi Graf: hey bitch, i'm calling you from the GOOD seats at the Lakers game in Vegas. the Lakers won the NBA Cup!!!
Chris: i mean what the fuck does that mean? what the fuck is the NBA Cup? how's Andre?
Steffi: the mob bosses got him. just kidding.
Chris: have you seen Martina? i've been trying to hang out with her for the past three years but she's never home.
Steffi: Martina Navratilova became a psychic spirit medium after her dream video went viral. she helps the less fortunate interpret their dreams. ironically, she's never in Vegas...
Chris: i gotta get off...
Steffi: me, too. i gotta get off, someone else is BEEPING me while i'm on the phone...
Julie Winters from The Maxx: i don't have a potbelly, i was pregnant with The Maxx's baby the whole series...
The Maxx: they don't show my unmasked human face at the end when i'm in the greenhouse because MY face is EVERYONE'S face.........we're all just trying to navigate this brutal thing called life...
Michael Weiss: i REALLY liked The Maxx. "women are everything to men, but women don't need men at all." that is so true. especially in The Maxx's toxic parasitic spongey spongeworthy leeching soul-sucking dependent relationship to you, Julie.
Julia Ioffe: ...
Tom Cruise tightroping a log in Pleasant Ridge: i went to the star museum and was booed off the stage. what happened?
Pleasant Ridge: the name of our enclave does not mean penis. you were being a penis, Tom Cruise. those high-school students came there for the planetarium, not you...
planetarium: and the Panera inside our planetarium...
Holt Hanley: i learned surfing on the Eisbach.........and so did everyone else...
flexbone: Doryce on Fridays...
me: the only Heaven i want to go to is the 1980s one where you're in an empty room full of fog-machine smoke...
Bruce Lee: how was your McDonald's i got from my electric skateboard traveling all around up and down the streets of San Francisco?
Lindy Lenz: tasty. at first. but then the greasy bowels came. and i quickly started to remember how unhealthy a meal McDonald's always is...
Paul: when you're old like me, greasy bowels become your backyard swimming pool.
Michael Weiss: you have to realize that all the women you encounter on Instagram WILL BE MARRIED...
hot holding: you won't get sick eating our food as long as you're held by Doryce's hot sex.
Holt Hanley: ...
Boc: yeah i'm staring at you right now. you look CREEPY carrying a stack of 20 pizza boxes.
Anthony Bourdain: if you drink craft beer you HAVE TO own a dog the size of my thumb...
Benjamin Zephaniah: every poet, writer, filmmaker, musician, street performer, and drawer has a work of art entitled "Naked"...
Benjamin Zephaniah: i know it's hard for you white cops to understand, but i DID actually get this BMW with poetry...
Gladyce: eat out to help out? yes let's do this.
Doryce: yes. let me start on you...
Boc: The Boys in the Boat? yes i'm gonna watch this one...
Jen R: if you're born in New York, New York, of COURSE you become a soap-opera star...
stump grinder: Smurf Village on Friday nights...
Ear Horn: stumping powder is a witch delicacy, better than Bosco.
Abbot Butt: a priest got handsy with me at Hanchurch, that's why i became a monk...
Holt Hanley: ...
mom: i had a football injury...
Ryan Gosling: i'm leading the Detroit Lions to their best season ever. i got the JFK-elected magic energy wind on my back powering my sail...
Roy, the purple alien with the blue eyes in The Head on MTV: my face is CREEPY but i'm the NICEST alien you'll ever meet...
Roy Paranzuela: ...
Mordecai: The Head has those Regular Show vibes...
Jim from The Head: The Head is the ONLY underground comic to EVER get a Season 2...
Robert Crumb: this is true.
Adam Driver after the SNL Cut-For-Times: it's clear i should play Leisure Suit Larry in the live-action film...
Rod Serling wearing the Mr. Kotter black coat: taking out the trash makes my body JUST WARM ENOUGH that i have to take off the coat.
Mr. Kotter: i know what you mean, it's just enough exertion...
Lorne Michaels: those SNL Christmas skits where it's 6 of our cast around a coffee table talking at a Christmas party are so warm and comforting and COZY. and hopeful. because the world has no time to go to Christmas parties anymore...
bald man in the Xfinity commercial: reconnecting with mom. BOTH meanings of connecting. i am the MOST EARNEST PERSON you will EVER meet...
mom: stitches in my knee, that's the good pain...
Jennifer Lopez from The Weather Channel: i'm the other Spanish meat...
Boc: are you proud of your little house? your little house you've built up and worked on for more than a fucking year. from foundation to black-tar shingles. it's been a year of just fucking noise pollution...
Jimmy Connors: what time is it?
Chris Evert: 5PM. and the kids are still up.
Jimmy: fuck that. get those fucking kids to sleep. it's past their curfew and i don't care that they're 18 years old. they're never gonna learn DISCIPLINE enough to become tennis players.
Chris and Jimmy by the couch plop their fat butts down and open up the photo album.
Chris: ah, you hear that? silence. we can SLOWLY turn each laminated page of our photo album in peace and really STARE at every single detail of each Polaroid picture.
Jimmy: each photo is an oil painting in the Louvre.
Chris: remember photo albums? they were so '80s. ah, look at us here. the day of our wedding.
Jimmy: the two of us on the tennis court. you not in a wedding dress but in bell-bottoms and platforms, i like that in a woman, you don't care about fashion, you're no fuss no muss.
Chris: i had totally forgotten we had EACH won Wimbledon that week!!! i was completely distracted by organizing and planning our wedding. the good thing was the Wimbledon flowerboxes served as our purple wedding flowers. look how sweet that kiss is. how come we don't kiss that way anymore, honey?
Jimmy: that's a honeymoon kiss, can only happen once.
Jimmy: also, Steffi Graf is my sidepiece, i was the interrupting beeper...
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