notes:
* Ear Horn: an old woman with two good legs is the most beautiful sight in the world...
* Aeon Flux: the blonde Aeon-looking woman looks like Julia Roberts...
Julia Roberts with German Expressionism muscles: Aeon Flux got me into BDSM...
* Aeon Flux: i don't dress like a rough slut because my chastity belt is LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE to remove.
Trevor Goodchild: it can only be opened with my rod.........my golden rod...
* grandmas and grandpas in the cast: it ain't easy. we old actors have to have a mind sharp like a lucid steel trap to do our jobs. we must maintain the mind of a 20-year-old to read our lines to perfection with character and timing pretending we're senile.
Jamie Lee Curtis: and be sure to drink many many Ensure protein shakes. for memory.
* Jamie Lee Curtis: in my younger years max protein shakes meant cum but now that i'm old they mean Ensure...
* Caroline: be like me, a gilf in a red sweater who drives alone everywhere in my Subaru minivan and makes cookies that taste funny in the good way. i'm continuously experiencing my younger days...
* Lyle "The Animal" Alzado: wait am i promoting the NFL or the WWF?
Pete Rozelle: same thing.
Lyle Alzado: i'm not the face of Monday Night Football, i AM Monday Night Football...
* Febreze: we're not spying on you but we have a microchip in your fragrance...
* Sensitive Santa: where's MY Christmas present?!!!...
* Paul looking like Sam Elliott: the good thing about getting caca on your hands going poo is you're near the toilet so you can wash your hands in the upper toilet-tank water. my daughter likes Princess Mononoke, too...
* Boc: all dogs hate me now cos they sense i'm a cat lover now...
* Boc: how many trucks can fit in the driveway of the house being worked on across the street? turns out it's 10. fucking noise pollution at 5AM and noon...
* mom: it's like a dream.........a good dream...
* Melissa Maker: i became your friend simply because i'm around all the time...
* Hala Gorani: i married Anthony Bourdain...
* Ralph Cirella: i'm Andy Dick if he were nice. what came first, my hair or Howard Stern's hair?...
* CosMc's: has a spinoff restaurant ever been successful? George Jetson had his first Egg McMuffin here...
* Madison from Splash in her lobster skirt on the red carpet at the Louvre...
Zendaya: nobody sees your skirt because the carpet is red. it's MY time now, honey!!!
* Boc: a cramped calf muscle, a hamstrung hamstring, is a BLESSING...
* Fawn Sharp: the world won't get to see my daughter Moon Torrance who is a gifted tennis player because they say that rectangular piece of our Indian land is not ours...
* Ted Knight on Too Close For Comfort: how can a cartoonist be a conservative?...
* Leslie Sbrocco: i mean eventually we're gonna run out of restaurants in San Francisco...
* Cafe du Monde: so EVERYONE does better beignets than us?!!!...
* Beathard: beat hard? oh come on, it's deliberately spelled that way...
* dogs: we do NOT like pulling your Christmas tree like a sleigh wearing fucking soft-felt reindeer-ear antlers!!!
* Boc: cold one this morning...
Super Mario working maintenance: you are communicating to me that you want a beer?...
* Amit Patel: no i'm the dude in Duval with the long-ass Trent-Reznor hair, harem pants, and heels that does magic on railroad tracks Criss Angel WISHES he could spell.
Criss Angel: Crissmas Magic, my manager forced me to name my December show this...
* Amazon holiday decorations.
nextdoor neighbor: the family to the left of me hang their Christmas lights with panache and flair. i on the other hand use a couple of my lights to spell out the word DITTO and an arrow pointing to their house. on Halloween with my lights i spell out the word
THEIR HOUSE IS CURSED --->
* three musicians in a band.
lead singer lady: look at our album cover, very black-and-white and out-of-focus like Bob Dylan.
guitarist: the album cover would look better like THIS. looks like a '90s black-and-white bokeh album cover from the '90s band Live.
lead lady: that instrument you play is an abacus...
lead lady: and i look like Trent Reznor's wife...
drummer: the album cover looks better like THIS. John Fogerty's disco-folk period. you two have to agree with me cos i'm the Kramer of the band.
* No Mercy UNO: is that like that Monopoly that encourages you to cheat?...
* Allstate: the gallon jug of milk thing. see? you could never hold a Big Gulp from 7-Eleven in your car's cupholder before cos the cupholder was never big enough. cool purple-'70s-snake-puppet steering wheel. and the guy with the fish tank in the back seat, LEAVE IT THERE!!! it looks cool, brings an atmospheric ambiance to your car from the 1994 Canadian film Exotica. and finally sticking post-it notes on all your car's four windows, this is a good way to focus, to concentrate on your interior life and your work without the distractions and unkindness of the outside world.
* Meta.
Tom Hanks: you may learn the piano with Meta, but you'll never be me...
Steve Irwin: why are you swording that poor lizard-hood dinosaur creature thing? you should learn to love it and preserve it.
Mark Hamill: that's the secret. you know why us Jedis are so good with a lightsaber in our hand? we all took ballet.
* Travis Kelce: how many boyfriends has Taylor Swift had?
Cable Kings: 12.
Travis Kelce: 12?!!! FUCKING TWELVE?!!!
Cable Kings: we get the pigs-in-a-blanket free cos we look like Steve Irwin. hey Travis, are you gonna put out a country album?
Travis: my expertise is Christmas music.
happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: i gotta try the Wendy's Pumpkin Spice Cold Brew to see if it really tastes like battery acid...
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