* Cathy: ACK!!!!!!!!! with this bizarro world getting even more bizarro-er, ever more bizarro-est, what can one do? where can one go? hide under the bed all summer? no, that's why i have the hope of 9 exclamation points instead of 10, 9 is feminine, femiNINE, 10 is hopeless. 9 is mystique, 10 is done. when the CBS television special Cathy came out in 1987, it was supposed to be a new age for me as a symbol, as the placeholder for all women, as the modern woman living in the '80s. feminists hated me cos they thought all i did was obsessively search for a man to complete me, to complete my life. but my vulnerability is my strength, my anxiety is my pill. don't worry, i have a feminist friend, she sets me straight and sets me on dates. it was my MOM who was the old-fashioned one who wanted me to get married.
Loni Anderson: when i did the voice of Blondie in the '80s i looked like Blondie. ironically, now i look like i was born i the 1930s...
Mardith: i'm very much enjoining watching Cathy (1987) at my local CVS...
me: i love Cathy and i love Cathy. but there's a feeling of melancholy as i watched this, when it ended it didn't hit me with a note of hope, instead a blanket wrapped around me, a blanket of hopelessness, of singleness, that all this searching and dating using a telephone and an answering machine and the clubs and the Trainspotting singles bars and the motorcycle would yield no fruit, would bear nothing, resultless, resultsless, that this search for love and meaning is something we all had to do and go through but we wouldn't actually find anyone in the end. even in the hopeful age of the 1980s.
* Pizza Hut spaghetti: we had to compete with the McPizza
* Arby's: we call it a Greek Burger but it's just a gyro. open up an account with us and for the low low price of your life savings we will teach you how to get that low low LOW baritone that sdds gravitas to your voice.
* Marilyn Monroe: Monroe queen bed? i was a queen in bed WITHOUT a bed, i didn't NEED a bed...
* me: i tried the Wendy's Strawberry Frosty it really wasn't anything special. sometimes i tasted strawberry, sometimes vanilla. i have no idea why they waited so long.
* Popeyes: we've been cooking our amazingly savory-flavored chicken with crispy coating now for.........as long as Roe vs. Wade has been the law of the land!!!
* Andy Milonakis: i nowadays look like the woman who does the English voice of Naruto.
Maile Flanagan: nah. i'm cute. at least i'm kawaii. when is Lab Rats coming back? i am so nostalgic for that show.
Ms. Swan from MADtv: you look like a man...
* Qatar World Cup: is sex really worth 7 years of your life locked up in jail?
Marilyn Monroe: yes, men have 7-year itches. it's worth my time. besides, i didn't come to Qatar for the architecture, i came to Qatar for the SOCCER!!!
Qatar World Cup: soccer balls like your tits?
Marilyn Monroe: life is short. especially in my case. you gotta live it up while you can!!! while you still have one!!!
* Tom Cruise: i was born with short jet fuel in my blood...
Val Kilmer: i got iceman in my veins...
Roger Federer: i USED to come to Qatar...
* Julee Cruise: yeah so i bounced around a bit.........did my music.........became a 70-year-old Baywatch lifeguard...
JFK: reminds me of beach life on the sand-colored shores of Maine...
* bocconcini: the bonking pasta
* Michael Weiss: Instagram now.........Instagram is just dancing, Instagram now is just videos of people dancing randomly for no reason...
* Buzz Lightyear: i'm the man, not the toy. my movie is a better crowd-pleaser feel-good film about the Armed Forces than that hack Top Gun: Maverick.
* Cathy Guisewite: GAH!!! look how CUTE i look up there in my '70s pictures. the '70s were boss, man. i do not hide behind a guise, when i draw this comic and write the dialogue it's all ME, she's a microcosm of my macro massive inner world, all artists are introverts, this is the way i healthily achieve therapy. without going crazy in this mad outer world. you could learn a lot from me, Dirg.
Dirg: ...
Dirg: i'm always angry, i'm always mad.
Cathy Guisewite: i am a white woman with a typically sardonic Jewish outlook on life and men. the comic is how i work out my things, my stuff, unpack my trauma. all those thought bubbles above Cathy's head that Andy Samberg made fun of on SNL's Weekend Update desk, people call it word diarrhea but it's my unique crisp stream-of-consciousness at work, trying to make sense of the world.
* Cathy: Roe v. Wade, what the fuck is going on?!!! remember the comic strip when that landmark decision came down in 1973? i CELEBRATED that decision in that day's panel, in keeping with me being a modern woman, that was the most MODERN thing any society could ever do. what's with all the returning to the Stone Ages? classic is classic for a reason, everything has to be updated at some point. the Hippies weren't a cult, they were TRUE FREEDOM!!!
* Cathy (1987)
Irving: we live in the Three's Company apartment?
Irving: we live in the Three's Company apartment?
Cathy: kinda. we're just roommates for now, okay?
Irving: is this musical chairs?
Cathy: no we're getting farther away from each other, this relationship could just coast on casual for decades.
Irving: i don't sing. i want a man cave and beer, i'm from Chicago. why are you so OBSESSED with getting a man?
Cathy: i'm not OBSESSED, getting a man is ONE PART of a modern woman's life, isn't it? we WANT IT ALL AND CAN GET IT ALL!!!
Cathy: being unmarried, being single, is a seduction, a sad seduction. look it's simple, Mr. Right simply has to be Brad Pitt on a motorcycle with a green mohawk who sings lullabies in my sensitive ear, grows houseplant ferns, and feeds Garfield. i work for a conglomerate. what does it do? conglomerates.
Cathy: winning Employee of the Lart Two Years is a deep honor. but i want deep-dish microwave pizza with my soul mate. why do all the characters here without hair look like Charlie Brown? makes sense, we are all part of the same comic-strip universe...
at the Jane Fonda Perfect aerobics class.
friend Andrea: it's the '80s, man!!! loosen up, girl, stretch your kinks out!!!
Cathy: i'm trying. i got no muscles.
Andrea: people fuck and set up spur-of-the-moment sex meetings using an ANSWERING MACHINE these days, Cathy, it's fun!!! don't think about how this person will be as your husband, just grate the cheese!!!
Cathy: there's nothing more depressing than a single girl's answering machine with ZERO messages.
Andrea: the women with the best seats go to the front of the class. you like that? you like how i say SEATS for butts?
Irving: why do YOU have eyes but everybody else has dots?
Cathy: cos i SEE the world for what it really is!!! you have FROZEN PIZZA in your fridge!!! YOU'RE CHEATING ON ME!!!
Garfield: no it's frozen lasagna!!! i didn't eat it i swear, i used it for a Stanley Cup hockey puck!!!
Cathy: what's the butter ON A TRAY for?!!!
Irving: for bread!!! not for Marlon Brando tango sex!!!
Cathy: hi, dad.
dad: hi, daughter.
Cathy: you're my dad in real life.
dad: are you locked in for the night? are you trapped under your weighted blanket?
Cathy: yep, i'm not going anywhere tonight, i'm lonely and in bed at 7PM, the same time this special is airing. you swallowed my apartment key, remember?
dad: thought it was vanilla ice cream.
Andrea: hey remember PERSONAL ADS? people did that back then i mean now, they looked for love IN A NEWSPAPER!!!
Cathy: where my comic strip is i mean where my real life is lived.
blind date: two women.
Andrea maces the man.
blind date: my eyes are dots now. all i said was two women, that doesn't necessarily indicate threesome.
Andrea: did you want a threesome?
blind date: yes.
Andrea: i'll protect you, Cathy. mace is SO '80s.
Cathy: my workplace is important but i want to work on our RELATIONSHIP.
Irving: i'm willing to compromise, you're important to me, life isn't all about sex tho i'm a man. life is about lasagna.
Cathy let's stay together for the long haul like covid. i'm so happy, Irving!!! i finally found my purpose!!! let's dance like the Peanuts characters but in a ballroom. men should come with an instruction manual.
Irving: i have that book in my man cave...
Cathy: i'm pregnant. we have a daughter.
Irving: what's her name?
Cathy Guisewite: the name of my daughter...
happpy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: strawberry. second strawberry. strawberry the second. i just hope it's not wilted...
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