TMIT: THE SUN IS REALLY ZIGGY'S BALD HEAD!!!

 

1. what keeps your life exciting? remembering when my life was exciting...

2. what is something you do to embrace your insecurities: i embrace my insecurities like i embrace the Absurdity of life, by writing a letter to Camus and hand-delivering it to him in a SASE Self-Addressed Stamped Envelope to Paris. i can't wait for the Paris Olympics, that's gonna be good, the first one with full fans. or i open up a security account at my local bank but get banned cos i have no money.

3. where do you find joy on the internet?

there is no joy to be found on the internet. nor on Meta. joy can only be found in the real world. the real world is pain, joy comes from pain. find Joy from Shenmue, she'll spice your life right up!!! don't be dense like Ryo, when Joy subtly invites you to lunch take her up on that cafe date and order something you've never tried before, like chicken noodle soup. Joy is a vision, she's lovely, she's a beauty, but more importantly when it comes to life, Joy can kick your ass with her ass while teaching you how to ride a motorcycle at the same time.

4. there is gonna be an exhibition in your honor. what 5 things from your life must go on display? why these particular pieces?

all of my things will be from the nostalgia of my '80s childhood, buckle up, hold onto your butts:

1) Imagineers: remember those? Disney Imagineers. i wanted to be one SO bad after my first whirly trip on Haunted Mansion when i was 5. i was so dizzy after that ride i vomited on Goofy. i was so fascinated by those Disney attractions, the deep level of background, character design, and atmosphere created. in the middle of the ride i stepped out of my purple pill and looked around the place. just to see if that ghost was real.........he was. i had to get in line to be an Imagineer, the line stretched with ropes all around the park, it took me 5 years to get to the entrance. when i finally got there they told me i needed an engineering degree.

me: engineering? i can't do engineering, i write poetry. bye.

2) Garbage Pail Kids: i collected these like a motherfucker. i thought they would be my ticket to easy street, i'd retire early rich. that first year was bonzo bananas. EVERYONE on the playground were dealin' these cards like street drugs. even the baseball-card shoppes were getting in the act, they stopped selling baseball cards and sold exclusively the GPK.

vendor: Garbage Kids?

me: i can NEVER get a pair!!! i always get one and the twin is IMPOSSIBLE to find!!!

vendor: they don't print the other card, that's the trick, that's the point...

but it only lasted one year. the next year Fernandomania had taken over the greater Los Angeles area. Valenzuela for the Dodgers was the hot ticket er hot card. especially Fern's rookie card. Garbage Pail Kids went the way of Bazooka Joe gum comics...

3) i wanted to be an actor. see the thing of it is i heard the horror stories but i think i would have fit in quite nicely being a child actor in the culture. that would have sent me on my career path through Hollywood. i used to love Silver Spoons but that's where i learned about craziness and having insane ideas. 

Small Wonder was my jam. so i visited the set one night. the boy who played the son before anyone knew he was Billy Corgan, well that Billy boy reiterated to me the horrors of being a child actor:

Billy Corgan: they tie me to the bedpost in my bedroom set here, kill the lights, lock the doors from the inside, take the keys, and leave me to think about what i did that day. to stew, to stir, to contemplate. they do this every time i miss ONE line. i swear i'm gonna get my revenge on these adults when i become an adult, all this moodiness i'm storing up in me now, i'm gonna let it all out in my songs, my band's gonna be all goth and shit, with the most depressing lyrics i can come up with...

4) when i first heard songs i thought they were talking about me, my life. ONLY my life. the lyrics pertained to specifically only my life circumstances. i wanted to be in a band so bad but i COULDN'T SING!!! do you know what a bummer that is!!! it's not cool to just play the organ and not sing.

i played baseball for a while there. those goddamn metal bats, let the kids use wood!!! the only reason i played soccer was for the pizza at the end. the free lesson on how to beat Pac-Man. i asked my coach if he thought Pac-Man was cool:

coach: Pac-Man is a drug addict, son. if you keep playing him you'll end up one of those doomers who pace the streets at night without a dorm listening to Radiohead the rest of your life.

my coach was a keen psychiatrist, he already knew what a doomer was in the 1980s.

coach: sports is the only way out of depression, otherwise you'll end up on my couch one day. you'll ask for help but there are no pills for what you got. the only thing i can offer is for you to join a sports gambling ring to recoup your losses.

5) okay so there's gotta be a combination, right? i decide to WRITE instead. i'm watching the GLORIOUS Gummi Bears cartoon from the '80s and i so want to be part of this world.

speaking of Ziggy, after i watch Cathy, Hagar, Beetle Bailey, Blondie & Dagwood, and other sundry Sunday '80s television specials about greeting-card characters last week, it cements in my mind what i was born to do: write episodic 22-minute blocks of animated TV. cartoons is my love language, it's the language i write speak and think in. but then i hear a lecture David Lynch puts on at USC where my dad used to work as a computer man:

David Lynch: movies today are garbage. there are no more films. America needs to get more French. more protective of a delicacy. the French love CINEMA, not movies. every movie now is a reboot, remake, or a video-game adaptation. The Lost City is the only original movie in the past 20 years that has nothing to do with superheroes!!! what the FUCK, people!!!

and so i can't write crap. i gotta venture to write something good, something lasting. like those great baseball animes from Japan. I GOT IT!!! it's like candy like gummy bears but it's gum:

i'll write a baseball show based on Big League Chew!!! the shredded gum!!! perfect for kids as an alternative to tobacco!!! no tobacco ads here!!!

5. i do not want to ___ , please do not make me___

i do not want to do bathroom stuff. please do not make me take a shower.

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