JFK: you've heard my speech. we gotta nut up as humans. i'm sending a delegation to the moon made up of people from every country, county, territory, and failed state on the planet NOT funded by a billionaire. Kennedy billions don't count, they're for the good of the people. the mission is to figure out why the heck the moon is COMING hurtling towards us!!! what did Earth ever do to Moon? bad divorce settlement? i wanted to be a surfer. a large chunk was taken out of the moon which was the perfect crescent to celebrate our Muslim sistren and brethren, turns out it was a big yellow octopus. or squid, same thing. but it wasn't an octopus. or squid. Koro-Sensei made me cry when he died. he was one of the good ones, one of the good assassins. no, friends, the moon is crashing into us---Dave Matthews Band, now is not the time---because once again a madman thinks he can change the world. himself. remake it in his image, start over, start the utopia paradise process over again under HIS spell. but the holy scripture got chewed up by his dog into papers. that's never gonna happen, why can't these false prophets just ACCEPT that society is FUCKED from the start?
Entertainment Tonight: we have no idea why Maria Menounos was at Britney Spears's wedding to Sam.........we just threw our former colleague Maria Menounos under the bus.
Nissan Trucks
man: i've met the one.
mom: i can't wait to meet her!!! you've been lonely for SO long, mijo!!!
mom sees that The One is a truck.
mom: oh mijo. oh my son, The One is a car? not a beautiful woman you can fuck? i am SO disappointed.
at the Vatican.
The Pope: Aunt Flo came to visit me here and i didn't have any white shawls for her. Aunt Flo is red now.........i made her a cardinal.
Takahashi: it's the limits of social media, you know? a like of a post of a fashion jacket is the same as a like you gave to a colleague as condolence for her post about her beloved father passing away.
Takahashi: for the first time ever at a drivethru i ordered the DRINK FIRST.........i made sure they heard: "Strawberry Frosty".
The Tennis Channel: we got 10 HOURS of Pickleball action for you in the middle of a Saturday afternoon!!! now that's coverage!!! this is what summer is, folks...
Mardith: the no-volley zone is called the kitchen? isn't that a bit sexist?
Randy Orton: i know she's my wife but why is it that in every photograph i'm in i'm cupping my wife's tits with my hands?
John Wayne: it's so weird seeing me as a 1920s flapper...
Jack Noseworthy: i'm the night mayor!!! look at my guppy mouth!!! my face is beautiful!!!
me: i need OnlyFans. no, this isn't a joke, i need only fans in my bedroom, it's too hot to sleep in here at night, i need that Arctic Air cold machine bolted to my ceiling mirror.
Michael Weiss: who was the Instagram with the handle profile name "the"...?
Roger Federer: i know cos of covid, but can we go back to when the women tennis players kissed each other over the net after a match?...
me: whenever i watch a good show that comes to an end, i realize i've done nothing with my life the way the characters in the show did something...
Fujiko Mine: i was a doctor WAY BEFORE Barbie was...
onion booty: because it makes men cry? i thought it was because the butt is shaped like an onion. Melissa Maker: Saturday-night turnup.........turnip.
Larry Fishburne: i'm the Goose of Quicksilver...
Alice Taglioni: i'm Kristen Stewart's mother.........sister.........i play Kristen Stewart.
Brother Jed Smock: why do i look like Eugene Levy? why am i wearing Snoke's apron? it would have at least been more fun if i held up a sign that read
See You In Hell
implying that I would be going to Hell, too...
Father Ted: i am ASHAMED of you. don't do theatrics with ill intent.
Pelagius: i've never seen Cotard and Codrus before in my life!!! I'M the real monk here!!! i wasn't banished, i LEFT!!!
Swaziland: sorry, Elizabeth. sorry, Louis XIV. WE have the longest-ruling monarch ever. we love to dance!!! we taught KEVIN BACON how to dance!!! yes, no need for facebook or Meta here...
Kevin Bacon: just to be clear, on Quicksilver the red beret, victory for me was NOT joining the Guardian Angels. the gold eagle pin on my red beret is the Russian McDonalds Arches from the '80s back when we had friendly relations...
Michael Weiss: the name of my band in college. you know why people join bands? to be part of a group, to have ready-made friends.
schleckermaulchen: the new Whatchamacallit bar
Gladyce: it's a hazard. when the dishwasher fills all up and the cap of my trail thermos is completely filled to the tip-edge with water, you turn that sucker over and there's water everywhere on the linoleum!!!
Doryce: it's a water hazard.
Dennis Miller: know why i turned to the dark side? Dana Carvey. Dana Carvey made fun of me that one time. Dana Carvey made fun of my luscious locks of conditioned hair. at MY Weekend Update desk!!! i hate Dana Carvey.........but the universe apparently seems to love him so what can you do?
Laertus: you need to get back on the Peloton bike, Dirg, you're getting fat.
Dirg: no way, summer is for sleeping.
Mardith wearing a bisexual manicure---one nail short, one nail long: two words: Jess King.
Dirg: will Sophia Urista urinate on me?...
Bishop O'Dowd: hey man, i'm from the streets of Oakland, i ain't NEVER gonna be like those two old white crusty monks!!!
Dirg: the Tundra car battle-tank commercial, why are a bunch of dudes dressing up for each other?
Laertus: you'd look good in that red fedora, man.
Alissa Nutting: when you have a name like Alissa Nutting, you just gotta roll with it, you know?
Kirstie Alley: can you really be a Republican Scientologist tho?...
Andre Agassi: yeah that's me in that Degree deodorant commercial playing wheelchair basketball. wheelchair wheel, bicycle wheel, tennis strings on a racquet, it's all the same to me.
Maisie Peters: i know i look like her but i HATED Game of Thrones. a psycho is sweet if you feed her enough cake.
Norman Bates: i wasn't crazy cos i was crazy, i was crazy cos i was stigmatized.
Anthony Perkins: yes my next role is playing Chris Fowler in the Chris Fowler Lifetime movie...
Gladyce: life hack pro-tip: when you see a watery surface to your jar of salsa, that's not salsa anymore, whatever it is now, its salsa self is dead. use the fixed garbage disposal for the first true time as you dump the contents of the jar. you can only use dry paper towels from now on...
at The Weather Channel.
Samantha Mohr: i've had two sex lives: one with short hair, one with long hair, both with heels...
Ew, David: what the Friends reunion should have been called, according to Matthew Perry.
Matthew Perry: makes sense that there's a lot of Schitt's Creek fans in Carmel...
Port Reading: the tucked-away township where the Library of Alexandria is
Fuerza: i like Cashmere but my True love is plaid...
the bird finally escapes Arielle Raycene's pipe and flies away on a divine cloud to the city of Light, Paris, Rome, whatever...
Kevin Bacon: Kevin Bacon Fried Chicken in Buenos Aires, Argentina. bacon in the chicken, i get it. Gremlins. explicit content in the food. porn food. the Burger King mascot there for some reason. fast good. i'm not mad. but could you at least have BAKED the chicken for me?...
Charlie Sheen: Sami Sheen, my 18-year-old daughter, is joining OnlyFans. blame the mother, this did not happen under MY roof, i would never condone this, i model good behavior for my daughter on how to treat women...
Stacey Solomon: i'm the British Farrah Abraham.........i mean i do look like her, innit.
Fauci: don't worry, i have covid but covid is over now. i am right now as we speak heading to a Denny's and i'm not gonna wear a mask, like you i just don't care anymore.
fishing chair: it's a catfishing chair now. you're on a boat which makes you cooler.
gaming chair: i'm a fighting chair specifically made for Street Fighter.
Hugh Hefner: see that swiveling white-leather fighting chair bolted down to my yacht with the black Playboy bunny logo stickered on like that? that is SEXY. that chair looks like a Hugh Hefner chair, you know?
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Bonnie Piesse: The Force healed me after NXIVM. the real Force, not Keith Raniere's force.
Eye: The Last: Naruto The Movie and go.
Suzy Lu: I LOVE LOVE!!! i love love, you guys. love is everything. the only thing. i hope all my youtube commenters and followers experience love at least ONCE in their lifetimes. this time i'm crying the GOOD WAY!!! whinge on my fanny with me, you guys. i mean not everyone can have what me and Kakashi have, but...
Kakashi: ...
Suzy Lu: lean in for the hug, babes. so, Kakashi, how is your marriage to Suzy Lu going in the early hours?
Kakashi: it's fine. it's okay, it's alright. i still have my freedom. i still have the freedom to ninja in an open field during the day.
Laertus: there is something so sweet to this whole enterprise. i saw the trailer and melted. i saw Naruto finally coming to terms with the arc of his life, why he was so relentlessly cruelly bullied, how it made him stronger, strong enough to protect the village that rejected him, it was so beautiful. Naruto finally becoming a man, taking on adult love...
Eye: both meanings.
Laertus: ...making plans, permanent plans with Hinata, long-term plans to protect the village with his life forever. the Hokage thing isn't a childish bratty quip anymore, it's his destiny, all 720 episodes, it's the arc of his life, it's Naruto's ikigai.
Takahashi: very good. Naruto the man is very good.
Rubikon: all i'm saying is this should have been Episode 501, as it is it's confusing.
Tyzik: i will never understand economics. how does a cartoon like this make billions of yen at a movie theater?...
Kishimoto: it's Pride Month and i'm not gay. but at the same time i don't like romance, it's too mushy and icky for me, i can't write romantic scenes, i can only write action scenes, i'm a boy at heart.
Boc: that's completely discriminatory.
Butt: hey i'm not gay either but i'm an ally...
Boc: we've got to move on from this, fellas, we gotta fix the world, we are in BIG trouble.
Kishimoto: *kiss* people think because of this i've never had an encounter with a woman. that's not exactly true, i have a wife stashed away somewhere, but i'm also a hardcore otaku so it's complicated...
Laertus: oh shit, the theme song, Sukima Switch's "Hoshi no Utsuwa", i'm already crying listening to it, and i'm gonna cry when i hear it again at the end. i'm gonna be thinking about what i said earlier, the history of the world, the history of Naruto. and how this was the TRUE END of everything. see back then nobody knew Boruto was coming so they treated this film as the final capstone to their adolescent history from kid manga-reader to teen manga-reader.
Dirg: i'm a switch...
Madame Pons: can we talk about the animation here. it's BRILLIANT, so divinely detailed. such care went into the background paintings. the characters look MORE ALIVE in their teen selves, their movements are more free-flowing and natural. i wish my photographs turned out this shimmering shining and gloriously well.
Mardith: this is Power-level animation.
at the Hokage rotunda office.
Tsunade: you've been a real drag as a hokage, Kakashi.
Kakashi: i take leadership seriously.
Tsunade: i wanted to join in with you guys. i said you could use your mask to choke me. but you said no. i said you could practice forming your lightning ball on my tits. but you said no. i said i'd even dye my hair black...
Kakashi: what business are you here for today, ma'am?
Tsunade: look man, i thought you were visiting the woman Kage with the red hair, Mei Terumi, cos you and she have a thing going in real life...
Kakashi: that was some good Sage sex. Zabuza is sexless, he only fucks his sword. but i am loyal to Suzy Lu.
Tsunade: yeah about that, remember our compromise. you get to take the leadership from me in exchange that...
Kakashi: i know i know, i have to fuck Suzy Lu FOUR times a day to keep the balance of bad luck going in the universe...
Tsunade: hey what's that rusty metal circle drilled into your hand, Kakashi?
Kakashi: oh this? its a mini Stargate from Stargate. acts as my FitBit.
Tsunade: with your visual jutsu can you see my pussy throbbing? i really miss my Dan.
Fuerza: in the beginning, there was LOVE. and war, unfortunately. which will the humans choose? what's the deal with these steel samurai suits? why instead of battle didn't everyone just go into the industry and become fashion designers? fashion designing is FUN. i will never understand my creations. and they will never understand me. it all stems from LOVE. no power without pussy, no battle without bonking, no war without wet.
Toneri: i use toner. in my hair. and ON MY FACE. the world has PERVERTED my twin brother's teachings. you can't weaponize chakra!!! what's next, a steak salesman becomes Hokage? i'm only getting riled up by this cos he's my older twin brother by one SECOND...
Hinata: it's the Rinne festival and folk are scared. cos Rinne sounds like Rinnegan. the reason people are so afraid of our clan is that our silver eyes look dangerously suspiciously like the Rinnegan so it freaks folks out. HEY BITCH!!!
Taylor Swift: what?
Hinata: THIS scarf i'm knitting is a REAL RED SCARF!!! cos it's threaded from the Red String of Fate!!!, the ultimate love test!!! two souls so destined to be together through thick thin and circumstances of life no matter how far apart they are at the time.
Taylor Swift: that's good, i'm writing a song about this and using your lyrics...
Hinata: in this movie i knit knit knit knit knit knit knit knit knit knit
Kishimoto: i can't draw women, women are my weakness. yeah that whole scarf thing came from me, my future wife actually knitted a scarf the same way Hinata does for Naruto as a confession of love. not for me, just as a general declaration of love for knitting in general. my wife knits cozies for alcoholics to put their cans of beer into. the fellas at the writing-room roundtable all had a good laugh over this..
Hanabi: Sis, you need a makeover!!! too bad Maury retired.
Hinata: what a scamp you are, younger sister of mine, no respect. we don't need makeovers!!! look at our silver eyes with no pupils, they are sexy as fuck already!!! now mind your own business.
Hanabi: okay but i can't help it if i get kidnapped after some first-person-shooter POV...
Stephanie Sheh: i've received praise for doing Hinata's voice in just that measured tone where it's cute but not babyish so she remains attainable for gamer nerds. all gamer nerds list Hinata as their PERFECT waifu.
Hinata: is it because i stand by my man?
Sakura: stand up for yourself, gurl!!! Hinata, you gotta get some CONFIDENCE in you!!! take a pill or something. don't let a man run over you, deny you, direct you!!! TAKE what you want like Hugh Hefner!!! most moist people find my voice annoying, people hate it cos all they hear is my uselessness. well SCREW THEM, i'm bold and whipsmart and i fight for my cases and causes---i'm an independent fighter---and i have heart, and i can take out a heart because i'm a surgeon. i can't help it if i'm framed and drawn by men who have no clue how to write for women.
Sakura: Naruto is DENSE as fuck. that snowman of Naruto has more sense than the real boy. Naruto has permanently eaten an icepop and gotten brainfreeze. Naruto thinks love of FOOD is the same thing as ROMANTIC love.
Naruto: but it is KINDA the same thing, right? romantic love? that subject never comes up during the anime conventions...
Naruto: hey how do you like my new look?
Suzy Lu: hate it. where are your golden spikes of hair?
Naruto: i was looking too much like Danny Supple so they shaved my head bald. ALL bald. i gotta grow up sometime, i can't keep riding a skateboard my whole life.
Dirg: WHOA!!! Ino got STACKED!!! and she wears lipstick now!!!
Hinata: where's your man?
Sakura: sore subject, girl, we girls need to stick together but sore subject.
Hinata: why does Naruto have all these female admirers now?
Rock Lee: Naruto's in a rock band with Kakashi called The Zits.
Hinata, shyly: um, Naruto, who's that other scarf from?
Naruto: my mom. i mean, shit. spoilers. my mom's dead, more spoilers. sorry, Kishimoto. hey i want YOUR red scarf, Hinata, no matter the condition of it in the end. even if it gets run over by a vacuum.
Hinata: i was practicing my love confession to you by the moonlight of this streetlamp in the snow, very atmospheric.
Naruto: yeah, love confessions are a singularly Japanese thing, does anybody else do this sort of thing?
the rest of the world: we confess our love but everyone forgets about it the next day, there's no ritual ceremony to it...
Hinata: this is bullshit. i'm a ninja, i can protect myself. i can KICK ASS if they'd just let me go apeshit on these assholes, loose the reins on me and let me fucking FIGHT!!! damsel in distress, oh so THAT's why everybody likes me, i'm in my place...
Naruto: and we're flying. watch out for these Lipton iced tea giant bubbles!!! oh SHIT we all got caught in em!!! caught in the BUBBLES!!! now we will see visions...
Naruto: isn't this abandoned Ancient Greek coliseum romantic?
Hinata: what's with the manmade sun? that sounds so Ancient Roman.
Naruto: yeah it's just like our sun. everything's a hologram. all light form the universe is artificial. touch my back with ointment like when we were kids.
Hinata: okay but i don't wanna be Garrison Keillor about it.
Naruto: you are such a spazz.
Hinata: Naruto, clean me up, clean all the long strings of white goo in my hair. it's not what you're thinking, folks, this is not nutting up, it's a cobweb...
Jesus in the cave: hey look at me, i'm emitting an energy ball chillingly from my mouth Ghost In The Shell-style!!!
Naruto: i've never seen you act so cold to me before, Hinata. like an Arctic Air cold box.
Hinata: i'm not one-dimensional, i'm a fully-formed human being with moods.
Naruto: gotta wait for the atmosphere. there's gotta be some electric firefly bugs, so Disney. i love you, Hinata.
Hinata chokes on her Triscuit.
Hinata: i can't believe this day has come!!! look at my eyes crying, see, these creepy all-silver eyes CAN cry and behave like real eyes, real tears not from a bottle.
Toneri floats down on an airship with dirigible propellers and golden rails.
Naruto: WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, TONERI?!!! TED DANSON?!!!
Hinata: i'm dumping you. but only because i have to rescue my kid sister. but that's our kayfabe. keep it on the down low. two words, Naruto: Andy Kaufman.
in the cave of secrets and hieroglyphic cave-painting oxen.
Shikamaru: yeah YOU GOT DUMPED!!!
Naruto: wanna fight about it? wanna shove about it?
Shikamaru: you're a ninja who gets paid to be a ninja. nut up. i got dumped, too, by my sensei, in a way...
Naruto on his deathbed: i am so depressed from getting dumped. what is love? thank you for healing me, Sakura, for giving me the talk, without you i wouldn't be alive today. thank you for not killing me.
Sakura: we shoulda fucked as friends. my baby wears glasses in the womb...
Toneri: here, have some Triscuits. i live in this HUGE ABANDONED CAVERNOUS castle temple thing in the clouds, in the artificial sky. and i am LONELY AS FUCK. i live like David Letterman before the kid. i just want a companion, is that a crime?
Hinata: kidnapping is like prostitution, you UNDERSTAND why, you know?
Toneri: can you knit me a scarf also as well?
Hinata: well, i'm out of yarn, so the scarf is gonna have to be knitted with your pubes.
Toneri: Tenseigan eye. Reincarnation Eye.
Mardith: i'm into reincarnation.
Rod Serling: they stole MY eye!!! that's the Twilight Zone Eye!!!
Carl Sagan: heavenly bodies...
Hinata: Tenseigan? what is this, Inuyasha? hey that's cool when that big-ass floating dungeon just slowly flies by our large bay window while we're eating Kevin Bacon burgers at our longtable like that, that's so manga, that's so Disneyland ride.
Sasuke: cameo. i just got paid a billion yen for 2 seconds of screentime.
Tyzik: see, i don't get this.
B: YEAHHH!!! Run DMC, Public Enemy. we got a SPACE GUN!!! a gun with a timer, an old Hollywood trick.
JFK: a power wall? really? we're doing the thing with all the tv screens smushed together. okay fine. i hate Elon Musk. Elon Musk gives the Illuminati a bad name.
Kage with the blond cornrows: we should sacrifice Naruto for the good of the world. easy peezy lemon squeezy like my hair color.
Gaara: let's not go to another sad flashback but i disagree, Naruto taught me what a FRIEND was. i didn't become another Bundy. i sell women's shoes at the mall. and i'm interested when the gal at the tattoo parlor next to me at the mall tells me about operations to remove silly youthful tattoos from one's forehead...
JFK: yeah i'm for Naruto, too. i like Naruto. let him live, give him an extra, oh, 45 minutes, he deserves that for winning the war and avoiding the Vietnam war. by not STARTING the Vietnam war.
Sai: hey what if i draw ANOTHER Tenseigan? to balance it out. jus sayin.
Hinata: kidnapping is a crime. kidnapping sisters is pornographic!!!
Toneri: i hate putting in ink in the printer. my head is KILLING me!!! no my other head, the one with hair. not THAT hair. the one with my face.
Hinata: have you tried Theraflu? you've misinterpreted the sacred text.
Toneri: i don't have good texting skills, i always mess up the emojis. i'm gonna tie you up in chains and float you around like my bondage girl.
Naruto: gotta admit, that's hot.
Toneri: i let my dog eat what my brother told me!!! the decree is bad? your Degree deodorant smells bad!!! i'm going to brainwash you like you're in a cult. sorry, i have a lot of hurt feelings i'm feeling now.
Naruto: Hinata, why are you fighting me? gotta admit, this is hot. i learned a new word today: foreplay.
Hinata: sorry, Naruto, i was under a genjutsu.
Naruto: Hinata.
Hinata: Naruto.
Naruto: Hinata.
Hinata: Naruto.........let's not turn this into Inuyasha...
Hinata: i gotta FINALLY nut up!!! it's up to ME to save the day!!! i am the Byakugan Princess after all!!! what the fuck do i have to do? the animators never drew any skills into me at all, i was just supposed to be a lump.
Eye: whoa! now THAT's a wedding!!! that's a Dune wedding!!! that's Dune wedding black garb!!!
Laertus: i do love that gold coin the groom bites into with his mouth-teeth then feeds his bride so husband and wife are licking the same coin at the same time, that's a kinky way to do noble vows.
Sakura: sorry, i've never seen The Shining.
Hinata: Naruto, let's mix our chakras. it's a sex thing, mixing our fluids for power.
Naruto: can i call you wifey as we do this?
Toneri: just a reminder, i have THREE count em 3 forms i still have to take so this will take awhile...
Laertus's dad: oh that old familiar O.G. Naruto music!!! the 2002 music!!! brings a tear to my eye.
Kakashi: Kurama is fighting Toneri on the moon!!!
JFK: i promised the American people excitement on the moon and i DELIVERED!!!
Kurama: look at my handwriting, my parents are so proud of me that i became a doctor. i can't read my own writing, i have to use BLOCK CALLIGRAPHY LETTERS.
Toneri: i can slice the moon perfectly in half. and put it back together, i have Gorilla Glue.
Hinata: excuse me, sir, i need to rip the eyes from your eyesockets now. don't worry, this will be offscreened with nothing but your yell of indescribable pain, i hate horror movies, too.
Toneri: i'm gonna stay on the moon. if i can't have you, girl, i can eat moon cheese the rest of my life. Hinata, you did me dirty, i just wanted to love you. we would've been good underground-bunker mates. on the moon is where i will build my church. to atone for my sins, NOT to start a movement...
Suzy Lu: this is so ROMANTIC. the progression of their history between Hinata and Naruto. in bubbles.
Naruto: i know, i've known Hinata since childhood, only your long childhood friends can be great wives and husbands, they know you the best. you can't pick up a rando chick on the street and expect there to be commitment and loyalty.
Naruto: Hinata, i would spend my last day with you if the world was coming to an end.
Hinata: the world's gonna end? no, but the world will no longer be a democracy soon...
Naruto: okay. time for the kiss. wait for it wait for it, gotta wait for the atmosphere. THERE, we got the E.T. moon, let's smooch!!!
Hinata: tongue, Naruto, tongue.
Kishimoto: yuck. it's hard seeing my creations not as kids. this is garbage. anime is supposed to be pure. sorry, but i think i'm leaving the industry...
Choji: i went to Olive Garden for the meatball the size of the moon. BAD DEAL, man.
Laertus: oh the end-credits wedding scene is COOL!!! those are LUSH shades of pinks and blacks coloring it!!! the character designs are different, more grimy, like a graphic novel.
post-credits scene: here we go.
Naruto: and so Hinata and i have two nondescript boring kids who will never be mentioned again. hey Himawari, are you ready for your own show on Noggin Nick Jr. next Monday morning at 6AM?
Hinata: this was MY movie, bitches!!! g'night folks.
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