JFK SURVIVED: DEMOCRACY IS NOT A CULT (THE MACK COMEBACK)

JFK has an urgent meeting with MLK in his office.

JFK: JFK MLK, it has a nice ring to it. like imagine JFK MILK as a social-justice brand.

MLK: just get on with it, man. i ain't your Catwoman to your Batman. even if your Batman is the sucky Robert Pattinson Batman.

JFK: in my continuing effort to include EVERYONE i'm considering even having some of the cults that line the fringes of our forest societies into the tent. inviting them to the table, i won't do anything they say but i can at least LISTEN.

MLK: that's CRAZY, man. what is it with white people and cults? sometimes getting more votes is not worth EVERYTHING.

JFK: yeah i know. hey you're following my advice, right? don't stay at motels. or hotels. just campers in the forest.

MLK: i know. and i will never shake a Republican hand again, their hands are quite literally reptilian to the touch, coarse and oily and green and stanky with power. who's the brother trying to cut in line of me at the meet-and-greet? you no king that deserves an audience. well an audience LINE anyway.

JFK: i know but politicians are prone to lines. give em the old line to calm em down. we gotta be different, like shocks to folks. not to old folks, do NOT scare old folks!!! oh that's my old friend the junior senator from Cuomo, NY, the junior Cuomo, Cuomo Junior or just Junior trying to make the best face of things. as long as we both survive, as long as MLK and JFK both live, the world will be fine. hey keep your ears out for a particularly creepy cult i saw fly across the cable wires yesterday, a scratchy group photo.

Rudi Bakhtiar: that is NOT my pillow in that pic!!! all cults appropriate Eastern traditions like it's free tea. i had my OWN problems with Fox News creeping me by visiting me in my camper.

JFK: there's Allison Mack from Smallville which is creepy enough but then the cult leader is you think the guy with the poofy hair but it's the one wearing the T-shirt of ME of all people!!!

MLK: which shirt?

JFK: the one with my famous peanut butter quote, i do NOT want that quote appropriated for THAT use!!! and Sarah Edmondson the famous Transformers anime girl wearing a sockpuppet on her hand with WTF appropriately.

MLK: that's WFT, Work For Terra, a Works Project thing you wouldn't know about. i'll handle it, sir.

the two men hug in the Oval Office.

JFK: hey man, the black churches will rise to vote for you and YOU will be President soon enough. i can get a bit of the Civil Right Program you wanted in this country sure but it'll carry more weight if YOUR behind leads the way with your Presidential power.  

MLK: and in the choir that day will be a young acolyte named Obama, who will end up being my Chief of Staff fresh outta college.

Gladyce: life hack: if you run out of plates, if all the plates are in the dishwasher, heat your pancakes in the microwave in a cereal bowl. it's all breakfast in the end.

Doryce: or use your finger.

Trent Reznor in his gated community of one: my "Survivalism" music video? yeah it was inspired by the Sharon Stone film Sliver, Oliver Stone, Sharon Stone, i'm into Stone movies. i wanted to do the Sliver soundtrack, it's the perfect blend of mine and their paranoias. i like power walls, secret rooms of black-and-white TV screens piled on top of one another, it was coolly noir until Elon Musk ruined it...

"Victory belongs to the most tenacious" -Tenacious D holding a tennis racquet

Livermore: i'm not crying cutting onions, you're crying cutting onions.

cacharel: too froufrou for LUSH...

Livermore: only old people with liver spots live in Livermore.

Gladyce: damn i burned my spell finger again!!!

Doryce: it's a bitch, dear.

Gladyce: as the garbage disposal is getting fixed we have to transfer everything from the right sink to the left sink. we've been using the right sink for 100 years, it's instinct at this point. this especially hurts when i have a scalding hot mug of spaghetti sauce i drop hurriedly in the right sink...

Nixon: if it wasn't for that "square" girl group who demonstrated their anti-war napkin talking about being a Christian by not spilling any more blood of Jesus in Vietnam and by God-blessing Daniel Ellsberg, i wouldn't have initiated Watergate in the first place...

G. Gordon Liddy: gemstones, Garnet Amethyst and Pearl, Steven Universe, that sort of stuff, that sort of thing...

Rudolph Valentino: from afar i looked like Obama...

Betty from Sunset Boulevard: i was a reader who was a writer...

Takahashi: it's the limits of social media, when you see an anniversary post of Breonna Taylor or Mary Kay Bergman and it has 13 likes and 1 comment that's spam...

Josh Gates: i'm not an Indiana Jones wannabe, i'm FATTER than Harrison Ford!!! and that's saying something!!!

Gretzky: what more do you WANT from me?!! i advertise MGM Betting now, how NOT in a gambling ring do you want me to be?

Dirg: way to throw your wife under the bus, my man.

Wilford Brimley: the Boone Cocoon, a rural love shack in the forest, i still reside there eating oatmeal, they did NOT kill me!!!

Gladyce and Doryce are soaking in a tub at the YMCA.

Gladyce: it's not fair. the symbol on the Coke 12-pack looked like a rainfall showerhead. but it was a speaker for Coke Studio.

Doryce: Y is short for YMCA. the giant Y out in front of this building is extremely iconic, it looks like a vagina.

Matthew McConaughey goes to Washington, does not swim there, to make a speech on gun violence. while he's speaking at the podium of the White House Press Room, Chris Matthews can't help but notice...

Chris Matthews: look at Matty McConaughey up there speaking. look at that man, he would make a handsome President.

Brad Pitt: want some wine?

Angelina Jolie: poisonous?

Brad Pitt: fortified...

Takahashi: favorite song of all time? i can't narrow it. for now, that Washed Out/M83 collab "Feel It All Around Midnight City"...

Natasha and Freya from Coolhaus: we look like we're in that '80s video for Nena "99 Luftballoons". the black Stevie Nicks hats and black-and-white-striped cotton shirts.

Doryce and Gladyce: ole! we like the cut of your jibs, ladies!!! carry on the tradition!!! you don't have to like the show Vikings, that's your right...

  

Hales Corners, Wisconsin: we sell Vicks VapoRub but not for Mike Vick. when you think of us you think of that disturbing pharmacist and boy-choking scene in the pharmacy in It's A Wonderful Life...

Dirg: and what's with SNL's obsession with skits about underage girls?...

Laertus: and everyone in the '80s smoking cigarettes.

Eye Luggage: okay i LOVED that "Hildy" sketch in the Teri Garr Christmas episode, very wholesome character, not at all like Uncle Roy. Hildy is a milk-of-human-kindness maid who finally gets what she deserves for being downtrodden yet cheery her whole life. i would definitely have watched a Hildy sitcom...

Alice from Brady Bunch: i'm maid mad as hell and i ain't gonna take it no more.  

Teri Garr: i got egg-yolk on my tits...

Boc at the tea dance: where's Kermit?

Kermit The Frog: i brought the gossip.

Miss Piggy: i brought the molly. this IS the molly house, right? i'm trying to find a husband in here...

Jimmy Carter in the bushes: Russian peacekeeping force, what a quaint notion.

System of a Down: tell us about it. are you heading the Armenian delegation? the delegation that's going to Armenia?

Jimmy Carter: later, there's a crisis on my hands!!! look, Johnny, stagflation is an UGLY word. the high gas prices won't drop for another year. but don't worry, let the country blame ME, not you, you are WAY too valuable a commodity than a little ol' Georgia scapegoat such as myself *blushes and smiles*.

JFK: what are you planning to do, James? and get out of the bushes you're scaring the squirrels.

Jimmy Carter: let young Jimmy handle it. i'll spend this year playing golf. as all Presidents do. but see i'm trying to get all the big American names BACK to the PGA Tour from the Saudi Tour, the U.S. Open is tomorrow...

Tiger Woods: great, because i'm the only American player left they're FORCING me to play tomorrow on no legs...

System of a Down: why are you blushing and smiling at us?

Jimmy Carter: i'm still in love with my wife SO much.

me: everyone wants this. settled.

Noodles & Company: Electric Company, Pizza 73...

Keanu Reeves: no this is not my grandma. this is my wife.

GEICO Gecko: gilfs. i get it, man, i get the attraction. hey don't get into this limo, it's COVERED in HPV. they're gonna come out with the blue ectoplasm infrared neutrona wand and collect some samples. they're thinking it was Paul Rudd.

Keanu: she's a looker my wife. George Carlin's not dead, he's trapped inside a proton pack...

Richard Mulligan: i played for the NHL one year warming the bench with my frozen buns before i took up acting. i shot the winning goal against Swaziland. i had a mulligan once at the U.S. Open. empty net became Empty Nest...

Dirg: the World Cup would've been this Friday were it not for having to be at the desert's butt in November cos of money.

Greg Norman: turkey butt tastes good. much more succulent than shark butt.

Butt: soccer was invented by lonely monks looking to burn off all their pent-up sexual potential energy...

Jillian Clare: should i college while i'm currently colleging? what should young actors do after the show ends?...

paper bullhorns: when college was COLLEGE

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Gloria Swanson: you know how i was able to do such a good Charlie Chaplin impression on Sunset Boulevard? i ripped off Charlie Chaplin's mustache and FUCKED him.

Eye: Escaping the NXIVM Cult: A Mother's Fight To Save Her Daughter. spelling and pronunciation of nexium will not be graded...

the Nestle Quik Bunny: bunnies up, buddy. you know you're in trouble when you start using Roman numerals...

director on the set of this Lifetime movie: hello and welcome and i thank all the actors who have come onboard to do this project. Lifetime movies are back, bitch!!!

cast: wha?

director: sorry, got excited. things are about to get Inception. are there any actors on this set right now who are in a cult? doing this movie about actors who were in a cult. see how that works? it's confusing. it's hard to know who is who. it's okay tell me now, there'll be trouble later if you don't tell me. we want to help you, step out of your dressing room and step right away into this van for deprogramming. 

Catherine Oxenberg: before we begin i'm not gonna talk to some Joe-Pesci-wannabe blogger at a youth soccer stands on AYSO grass about the fight in the golf lake i had with Joan Collins on Dynasty. there was no hairpulling, Joan had no hair!!! Joan Collins wore a wig!!!

India Oxenberg: why do i have a boy's name? why do i gotta polish my ballet shoes?

Andrea Roth: i'm the mom, the mother in the title, i'm Catherine Oxenberg, i do a pretty good Yugoslav accent. i've paid all my taxes...

director: it's more mid-Atlantic accent but okay.

Catherine: i am of cat familiars. look i just have to come out and say this, Denis Leary is a terrible lover, an icepick in the sack. my daughter you are named for the place i got laid. 

India: what script are you working on upstairs overlooking the lobby?

Catherine: it's a foyer. its a sitcom called The Royals that i want Sharon Osbourne to play the mother...

India: mom, did you go to Harvard?

Catherine: or Princeton. all Ivy Leagues are the same.

Michael Weiss: what were this were true. no, with my Dartmouth degree i'm selling cupcakes on the internet.

Catherine: cults aren't shacks behind walled circles with scary men in robes.

Cotard: ...

Cotard: i'm the good guy, remember?

Catherine: anymore. this isn't 1668. they are in Malibu in residential neighborhoods. in residential cafes...

Courtney Love: that's where Kurt met me...

India: i'm lost.

Phoenix: now i was never in a cult despite my name, but i do find Freemasons and Scientologists fascinating. but the thing is, i totally EMPATHIZE with this young woman. from the outside you wonder how intelligent people can end up in cults, how they don't SEE that it is a cult, but there's a very strong FEELING when you feel completely rudderless, when you have no idea what your life holds, where to go, you don't know what to do TOMORROW let alone what your life is gonna MEAN in the end. it's a very VULNERABLE state to be in, you're at that age where you will literally try ANYTHING to belong to a higher purpose. India, i hate to break it to you, but that feeling doesn't leave your body when you get to be my age...

black friend: oh GREAT. so it was ME, the black guy. yeah I am the one who introduces the family to the cult, I'M the one who causes ALL this hot mess!!! too rich for my blood, the fact that i'm POOR saved me!!! think about that...

MLK: i have. my brother, join me.

Sarah Edmondson: hi. i was on that show Edgemont.

Catherine: oh that was a DREADFUL show. Canada usually does high-school shows well, think Degrassi, but not that time.

Melissa Maker: this is not the Canada I know. and i live on an open-range ranch...

Sarah: it's 75 cents for the first session, a trillion dollars for the next and second.

Catherine: what is this, a cult or a root canal?!!!

Sarah: a root canal of the soul.

Allison Mack: raise your arms AS HIGH AS YOU CAN GO. now try this same yoga exercise ON A CHAIR. this is not a sex thing, that comes later.

Mauceri from the Hollywood Bowl: i skipped this part but i'm still in this cult to this day.

counselor: you were abused by your father. and your father's friend, they tag-teamed you on Super Bowl Sunday, huh?

Catherine, crying: yes.

India, sobbing: ...

counselor: you can't let men trample all over you anymore.

Catherine: but your leader is Keith Raniere...

counselor: sign up for the third class. we GOTCHA if you do the third class.

Catherine: you're telling me how to think again, how does this produce independent women? 

Catherine: i was under the impression we'd be doing these classes TOGETHER. a mother-daughter bonding moment.

me: me, too.

India: don't be a stick-in-the-mud. we already live in this house which is the Crystal Cathedral, all religions are tax-exempt cults. they separate us for a reason, so i can be more truthful and sexually open. besides i'm learning a lot of stuff in that upstate New York continental house after going to Washington State that i would never have CONCEIVED to think about!!! like for instance you know that Philip Seymour Hoffman is still alive and in that house sleeping? he opened for Haim in Los Angeles on his water-xylophone. Nxivm PROVED that a hot dog was a sandwich. they PROVED that Al Gore invented the internet, have you ever seen Al Gore and Bill Gates in the same picture?

Allison Mack walking the Appalachian trail: i had it all. fame, money, cute pink cars, a Supergirl cape as my bedsheets, a stud boyfriend. and i was empty-net inside. 

India: but WHY?

Allison: the sex was just.........okay. i wanted EXCITEMENT, i wanted CONNECTION.

Catherine: mom, i don't like where my daughter is heading. in her head. she recruited for Nxivm at her own birthday party. where did i go wrong? did i not use enough of those gold-letter balloons? should i have started my kid on champagne early?

Grandma: don't blame yourself, dear. it's hard being a mother. btw, not to rub it in, but how's your divorce going?

Mardith: you know, i really appreciate this portrayal of motherhood. it'll help me when i become one. fierce, loyal, willing to travel the ends of the Earth to protect her daughter.

Madame Pons: that's love, hint hint.

Catherine: i need you, mom, please come home.

Grandma: can't, dear, i'm in the middle of fucking Keanu Reeves...

professor: cults are hard to break. they just deny deny deny like a politician. Nxivm is flush with cash.

Catherine: but who the fuck gave them this cash?

professor: Pepsi. ask Mommie Dearest.

Catherine: why did you become a college professor?

professor: i would have been shot by now if i was a federal judge. wanna buy some charcoal shampoo? just tell 3 that's THREE of your friends about the shampoo...

Allison Mack: you know what, i'm not gonna use Twitter anymore, there's gonna be a lot of tweets that don't age well, i can feel it...

Keith Raniere: i'm just a harmless volleyball player trying to make an Olympic team. the drugs are for my Olympic dream, not to slip in drinks. look, i even have my shirt ON while i play, i am no Tom Cruise.

cult: HOLD HER DOWN!!! HOLD HER ARMS DOWN LIKE KORO-SENSEI!!!

India: what the fuck are you doing?!!! OUCH IT BURNS LIKE NONSEXY CANDLEWAX!!! why did i get branded like this on my thigh?!!!

brander: don't worry, i do root canals. think of this gun as a Ghostbusters wand you stimulate your clitoris with but with red sparks.

Catherine: do you have any occult information? on the whereabouts of my daughter? this is the first time i've ever gone to a non-Starbucks coffee place.

at the cult compound campgrounds.

Casper Van Dien: you can trust me. people thought the concept of Republican science-fiction was a fiction, impossible, untenable as an enjoyable experience. but i pulled it off with Starship Troopers. 

Rubikon: *in Timothee Chalamet voice* nah nah nah, it's always creepy when a white boy in a Ralph Lauren Polo sweater starts playing an acoustic guitar.

Dalai Lama: okay look. i was fooled. i was bamboozled. yes even I can get gyped. i truly thought Keith Raniere was a prophet, i put a white shawl over him and everything, but in my defense that white shawl was soaked and stained with white vinegar just in case. the REAL story is the fact that my Buddhist deputy Lama Tenzin Dhonden was FUCKED by a couple of Nxivm babes. as in the babes seduced him. 

Dhonden: donde esta mi penis?

Dalai: yeah so why don't you do a Lifetime Movie on THAT scandal, that would've been juicier and sexier than THIS drivel.

Dhonden: i am here before you a survivor still standing to tell you that celibacy sucks...

Grandma: you'll come to my birthday party won't you dear?

India: i can't, grandma, i got muffins to bake at this tax-exempt cafe.

Laertus's dad: see? that's another thing, EVERYBODY wants to run and operate their own small business...

police: Ms. India, come with me, you're in a cult, get into this van, it's a police van...

India: aren't you that black D.A. that got banned from Law & Order?...

Laertus: okay this is tension, this is wire. this is tense. the mom just told the daughter about it too soon, i thought the daughter would jump out the car and run back to the cult!!!

Eye: right? wait till you get home, mom, lock the doors first then begin the intervention with the girl's friends with apple cider.

Catherine: honey you're being BRAINWASHED!!! can't you see this is nothing but a MLM con job? a sex cult?

India: MOM!!! tax-free is not just for the rich like us. the girls sleep on the cold floorboards cos there aren't any beds cos this program is so POPULAR!!! hey i had sex but it was only with Allison Mack!!!

Catherine: give me a hug you big beautiful lesbian daughter of mine!!!

Allison Mack: look, all you have to do is kill your parents and feed their blood into Keith's mouth. and all will be forgiven.

in Mexico.

federales: open up!!!

Allison Mack: do you have a warrant?

federales: you are illegals in Mexico!!! if you can't answer this question: what's the new menu item at Taco Bell?

Allison: fuck.

federales: it was the Cheddar Chalupa. bring out the battering ram!!!

Laertus: now THIS is good writing, tying it all back together, the raising of the arms for the Mexican cop versus the raising of the arms at the cult training room. very nicely done.

Keith Raniere in a prison cell: why am i in jail? all i wanted to do was get pussy. well okay, high-end pussy. is that a crime? next time i'll get women by being a vampire...

at the vanishing family infinity pool.

little sisters: boy you are dumb, Big Sis, we KNEW this was a cult and we're age 5 and age 6!!

Bill O'Reilly: so Allison Mack, why'd you do it?

Allison Mack: i wasn't cast as the lead in Smallville. call me small if you must. blondes NEVER get cast in the lead. thus, NEVER=NXIVM. i hate Kristin Kreuk.

Bill O'Reilly: what's your comeback project?

Allison Mack: i'm doing a piece for Paramount Network with Rick Schroder, Louis CK, and Mario Batali that's like a live-action Minions. look at my anime eyes. g'night folks.