Woodstock in 1969 goes off without a hitch. JFK takes off his business shirt in the sweltering sun and puts on a faded orange long-sleeved shirt.
JFK: this is my proudest accomplishment as President.
the hippies come, the hippies come flooding in, the Hippie Revolution infiltrates and integrates fully into government, all streetsigns are torn down, everybody does everything naked from now on. and there is no more war. it starts to rain.
JFK naturally is flocked by a bevy of beauties in various stages of undress, not always with their bellbottoms and Redbottoms on, as he oversees the show.
JFK: i'm not wearing my shades for this, i want to SEE. i want to inhale all the pot smoke i can before i legalize this stuff. i want everyone in the world to experience the ecstatic joy of inhaling smudge smoke. if i can manage they can manage.
two crones: we are the True Wiccans.
JFK: okay so i'm here at The Summer of Love. now what? what do i do?
Nixon: just go with the vibe, man. dirt yourself up. dig a hole, daddy-o.
JFK: i hope i can be a good father to my kid, a daddio to the son. not for legacy, for love. free love.
hippie chicks laying on a bed of flowers: you are OUR daddy. the country's daddy.
Cecily Strong in a linoleum muumuu: *wink*
suddenly JFK disappears from the scene and has the scenester teamsters worried sick.
JFK: sorry, i had to take a week there, i was helping a woman find her purpose again.
hippie chicks in bed: we know what you mean.
JFK: sometimes a President's gentle words can soothe a suicide, sway it away, swat that shit away and let it LIVE again!!! you hippie babes know what i mean, we're all part of the same galactic generation, i'm 100 years old in spirit. anyway, enough of that unpleasantness. we're supposed to be having FUN at this festival, folks!!! right? i got the order all lined up. these bands will blow your mind and treat in kind.
first up on the Woodstock stage are The Beatles. next: Joe Cocker sings the Wonder Years theme song. and finally, Janis Joplin becomes the first JJ who's a woman. Janis marries Jimi Hendrix in an all-purple ceremony on stage.
Janis: where's our wedding cake, James?
Hendrix: call me Jim. scratch that, call me Drix, that has drip. Hex, Hendrix Hex, i don't know, i'm the first warlock who's cool and not a dweeb. if i were a dweeb i'd be called Nasal Drip.
Janis: the cake?
Hendrix: right. i froze my guitar so our guests'd all have ICE CREAM CAKE!!!
Sasha Grey: i don't have a glazed look to my eyes, it's just i'm insanely jaded with my life as you can imagine.
Cold War (2018): i mean it's kinda like the Before Trilogy.........when did Before Midnight come out? 2013? shit.
Dr. Vacc: there's a vaccine requirement to work on the soap opera General Hospital.........doesn't that make sense? you're working in a hospital.
Tsunade: remember, Kakashi, i can't cum unless you push the blue diamond button on my forehead as we fuck.
Suzy Lu: watch it, woman. watch it, fellow blonde woman with big tits.
Beetle Bailey: we all have rectangular butts...
Bunny Piper: i'm a real woman. i'm what Olive Oyl would look like if she were a real woman. i'm what Betty Boop would look like if she were a real woman...
Cosmo: i'm the private friend who looks like if Schroeder from Peanuts played jazz piano...
Laertus: yeah that's great. teach the kids by animating a live radio falling into a bathtub of water, that teaches kids about life.
Takahashi: the Chinese restaurant scene was PAINFUL.
Miss Buxley: as long as i don't fuck Beetle Bailey i should be fine...
Laraine Newman with gold tints in her hair and a gold band: well, one good thing that came from the O.J. Simpson SNL episode was i got married at the end of it. i flash my new engagement ring...
Andrew Gold: never let her slip away...
at The Weather Channel
Maria LaRosa: so this summer there are gonna be NO HURRICANES AT ALL, there is nothing going on in Africa ever...
Steve Kornacki at the Royal Ascot: did you ever think you'd see me in a top hat? i'm poaching from Elton John's stable of studs to-DAY!!!
Uncle Sigh the horse: we don't do the dainty trot across the grass after a win at the Kentucky Derby...
jockey: i'm very talented in the saddle.........i wear Jockey underwear.
Resveratrol: we have your reservation for the smoke-filled steakhouse, we're not trolling you. we continue to hold onto your reservation. we got the ticket in our hand. we're a natural drug we keep in reserve just in case...
Greg Norman: Rory McIlroy!!! you're just jealous that i can golf naked in Saudi Arabia and you can't!!!
Rory McIlroy: no. i'm jealous of your muscles. i'm jealous of your black cowboy hat. Stetson sucks. unless there are two swords on it.
Greg: i just never cared about 9/11. why do you?
Rory McIlroy: let's hash out a truce, what say we BOTH agree to get rid of that "Baba Booey!!!" guy who's at every golf course in the world RIGHT at your downswing.
Berkshire blanket: the only fuzzy gold lame that's la-may blanket that fits Peter Griffin...
Peter Griffin: lame.
Greykid: there is nothing more precious than a dog swimming...
KQED Bay Area: we're looking for provocateuses...
hobby farm: the Saddle Girls aren't here...
Dirg: small holding, bad name to describe me.
Rubikon: smallholding, TERRIBLE images from that word for me.
TV: we just decided to animate EVERY SINGLE NEWSPAPER COMIC STRIP for television on CBS in 1987 and 1989...
Bea Arthur: you know what woman could have beaten Andy Kaufman in a wrestling match? ME!!! FUCKING ME!!!
Cat Rambo: but when will i do my alternate history on John Rambo? when he singlehandedly WON the Vietnam War.
Cat Rambo: do you like my hair dark purple or light purple?
Blemmyes: yeah we existed. we fought the Romans.
Blemmyes: we were headless men, our faces were in our torsos.
Dirg: again, enough with the belittling by calling me a headless man. i'll sue you for slander like i did to the New York Times. tho i admit these are the sort of creatures i draw for my comic book.
Dagwood Bumstead: when i wear a bowler hat i look like Wimpy from Popeye.
Blondie: hey roof workers!!! only my HUSBAND gets to eat my muffin i mean call me Muffin.
Butt: sorry, ma'am. back to work, men. no muffin for you. maybe if you're good and get the job done. bread but no soup.
Blondie: i'm the ultimate woman, a housewife who looks like Marilyn Monroe. why did i marry a man with no eyes who has hair coming out of his ears?
Dagwood: my eyes have no soul. but i do. you liked my mouth. you liked how my mouth opened REAL WIDE unhinging my jaw like a steel trap to eat that WHOLE Dagwood sandwich in one bite.
Blondie: i like what yo mouf do.
Blondie: but we're stuck in the 1930s. we look dated. '30s and '80s don't mix.
Blondie the band: ...
Blondie: plus, the president of the robber-baron steel-joints corporation looks like Howard Taft...
Chic Young with a peace-sign tattooed to his forehead: i'm doing some "research" out on this golf course as you can see here with these two random lovely flapper girls. burlesque dancer cocktail waitress gypsies they told me.
models: we're models.
Chic: chicks for Chic. it was good to be a young white man in America in the l930s. no diseases, just syphilis. thank you, Lost Generation, i forgot all of your names.
Ernest Hemingway: fuck you, man. yeah, just like America in 1969...
jock: this is the ONLY cartoon that has EVER depicted a jock as a nerd.
Doryce: i am unpackable. a therapist cannot help me.
therapist: you're starting to pist me off.
Pride Bowl: the new Bear Flag
Kelsey Asbille: i couldn't be Kelsey Chow for Yellowstone. come sail away on my sails!!!...
Christopher Cross: Kelsey, who's Bill?...
Natalie Maines of The Chicks: hey musicians are athletes, too. these steroids aren't performance-enhancing, i need them to sing!!!
the crones at The Store shelves.
Doryce: IT'S NOT FAIR!!!
Doryce: the Fat Guy Sauce should be back on the shelves, he was cleared in a court of law!!!
Gladyce: Mario Batali? Mario Batali Spaghetti Sauce?
the crones at the produce cul-de-sac.
Doryce: dear when i get stanky during the summer i put my head under the organic-vegetable mister. the mister is my master. oh that's such a delightful CHILLY SPRITZ OF VAPOR that refreshes!!!
Gladyce: you smell of fear. that's why i love you. i go down your spine.
Doryce: wakes you up.
Gladyce: wakes you up indeed. a murk, a brume for us brooms.
the crones in the aisles.
Doryce: LOOK!!! is that our dear green friend Margaret Hamilton sniffing the carrots?
Gladyce: yep. but why does she have on a Kikkoman T-shirt?
Doryce: haven't you heard, dear? she's fucking Samuel L. Jackson...
pneumonia front: Maria LaRosa refused to clean...
Melissa Maker: no worries, i got the ammonia, i'll be right back...
Doryce: nookie hockey.
Cotard: monks were the first pharmacists, the formulary, we didn't rip old people off with high drug prices.
Dr. Vacc: why did all the cameras pan to my face?
Billy Wilder: the camera LOVES your ugly mug!!! do you want to be in Sunset Boulevard II as the relative of King Kong who comes back to the mansion for revenge on Norma Desmond after her jail?
Mendel: back then we just used herb...
KraftMac: we changed our name. even in Canada!!!
Kraftwerk: all our music was fueled by macaroni and cheese.
Gordon Ramsay: not ramen? i make ramen better than Martin Yan.
Eye Luggage: Top Gun: Maverick and go.
Fat Albert: okay so to distract from the news, the Fat Albert is a fighter jet. it's an aircraft plane that carries both types of cargo, both kinds, even the mean ones, freight and people. it teaches how not to become your parents, how to become people now. it's a preighter.
Laertus: i'm just gonna come right out and say it. and it's gonna make Dirg very happy. i don't get this movie. it's just okay. it's not great. it's not even good. it could be bad. how the FUCK did it earn a trillion dollars at the box office?
Eye: it was more about the fact that people were so relieved and happy to have their butts in a movie theater again without masks that they spent ALL THE MONEY that exists in the world.
Dirg: early pre-Scientology Tom Cruise was good. he was Tom Clancy Tom Cruise. TCTC. afterwards, our boy went off the deep end which is hard for him cos he always has to be in the shallow end of the pool or he'll drown...
Tom Cruise: i'm crispy. the greatest thing that happened to me on set...
Miles Teller: well it happened to me...
Tom: are you a bank teller?
Miles: *clears throat* um. well. yes. i was. before i started waitressing.
Tom: nice pornstache, kid. you came in...
Miles: i was sick on set one day, and the nurse told me i had jet fuel in my blood. like, ACTUAL JET FUEL in my blood.
Tom: that nurse was also a waitress. and what did i say to you legendarily?
Miles: you said...
Tom Cruise: i said: KID, I WAS BORN WITH JET FUEL IN MY BLOOD.
Tom Cruise: mic drop.
Miles Teller: yeah. i'm Spider-Man btw.
Kelly McGillis: NO FAIR!!! i coulda been in this!!! i'm not TOO old and ugly for this!!! Jennifer Connelly didn't even DO anything here!!! there's no TONGUE in this one!!!
Dirg: i'm with you, woman. you would have added some milf spice to those love scenes. some seasoned spice.
Kelly McGillis: that's lady, kid. if you can get Val Kilmer back IN HIS CONDITION, you can get me. i'm not disabled, i'm just old!!!
Madonna: tell me about it, girl!!!
Kenny Loggins: LAME!!!
Archer: right? hey do you find that the wedge of lemon DOESN'T dilute the scotch?
Kenny Loggins: the music here is BAD.
Giorgio Moroder: i'm Zeus now, i'm the God of Mount Olympus now that Vangelis is dead.
Ed Harris: I am the only MAN here. look how i didn't fucking FLINCH when the fighter jet zooms past my head. i didn't bat an eyelash, i let that fucker of a plane buzz me, buzz by me without budging, as it got near my cheek i bit its wings off with my teeth.
Tom: that's cos you have no head hair to lose.
Ed Harris: SCRAM, SCRAMJET!!!
Tom: i'm flying this invisible jet stealth fighter to MACH 11. if i die i die. i get paid either way. i didn't REALLY want to do this, a sequel to this movie that's an '80s cult classic would have been disrespectful.
Sonic: fuck being hyper.
Admiral Adama: i got Wonder Woman on speed-dial...
Jon Hamm: i'm just here looking for Flo from Progressive. we have a blind date. she's the one that got away, i wanted a romance with her when she was in Mad Men but the producers said she wasn't hot enough. i've secretly been in love with Flo my whole life. i was more suited, get it, SUITED, to sell insurance, not advertisement. boredom not pizzazz. i hated playing a conservative on that show, i wanted to be a progressive who came up with the soda "I'd Like To Teach The World To Sing" hippie vibe.
Tom Cruise at the lockers: we got enough photos of Goose here? just checking. what the fuck, what are you doing here?
Anthony Edwards: i'm a doctor, remember? i patched myself up after the water landing...
Tom Cruise: how long has it been?
Jennifer Connelly: 40 years.
Tom: are you worth a penny now?
Jennifer: not cool, dude. i'm your ex, remember? my daily morning mantra is you will not break me. i've had to undergo MAJOR plastic surgery, but you look EXACTLY THE SAME.
Tom: think of me as the novella version of the god who mans the hologram we're all under. so what do you do at this bar?
Jennifer: ring the bell. that's about it. we don't even serve any oyster crackers. you're paying for all the new recruits' drinks.
Tom: ah, like an NBA rookie. so are we gonna fuck?
Jennifer: sure. but with our clothes on. in the most tame way ever, the most benign way possible. this ain't no Requiem For A Dream, i did not sign up for THAT again!!!
Neil Diamond at the piano bar: i ain't doing it. i won't sing the Caroline In The City theme song till my Red Sox win again.
Tom: i don't want to talk to Miles Teller. i don't want to unpack all that Goose stuff with him. i'm simply not gonna have lines with Miles Teller, we won't have a scene together, i won't have to get uncomfortable, i can do that, i have the power to do that, i'm worth $4 billion dollars.
Tom: i'm no teacher. i don't have Kelly McGillis's legs, that scene won't work now.
strident student cadets: what's so funny about peace love and understanding? and uranium? they're probably using that uranium to light their cities during winter. very benignly.
Tom: i've been known to drink uranium on occasion. abort the mission like Roe. class dismissed. except you, Bob, see me after class.
Bob: what is it?
Tom: change your name to Di.
Bob: Die? all of us who wear the uniform would gladly lay down our life for our country, sir.
Tom: no not Princess Di, Dianetics.
Dirg: oh come ON!!! that is so LAME!!! this is ME we're talking about here!!! the team-bonding beach volleyball scene has been PERVERTED!!! it's not sexy anymore, it's all clothed and benign. they don't even play volleyball, they play football but with a Nerf football, it's not man football. have the women naked, that would be progressive, there weren't women in the original scene, everyone was too focused on those OILED MAN BODIES, that BEEF COOKED WITH OIL. Tony Scott you old devil, God rest your soul you lewd rascal rapscallion.
Tom: remember, all these training exercises we're doing where we're flying jetfighter warplanes high around steep curves and sudden curbs and snowy mountains and terrible treacherous terrain, NONE OF THIS IS REAL. we're all in green screens jumping around on a mechanical bull...
Miles Teller: why'd you block my application to the Navy? because why? cos i like Alice In Chains?
Tom: it was your mother. she wanted me to protect you from death. she's dead. Meg Ryan's career is dead.
Val Kilmer: here it is. THE SCENE. i'm fucking Iceman, bitch.
Tom: are you auditioning for your final role on this planet before you die as Stephen Hawking?
Val: not cool, dude.
Tom: i like your teeth.
Val: not cool, dude.
Tom: can i take a little spin in your computer wheelchair?
Val: not cool, dude.
Tom: you can only talk by typing? what are you, housebound or something?
Val: enough. let's just get to it. why the fuck are you here?
Tom: because i'm crying right now.
Val: the Navy needs Tom Cruise, nobody believes in war anymore. dogfights are for the birds.
Tom: what if i kill the kid, too? then i would have killed the father, the son, AND the wife in a lay gone bad.
Codrus: you'd be eligible for the priesthood.
Tom: i killed an entire nuclear family!!! with nukes!!!
Iceman: you'll be okay. wanna hear my REAL VOICE?
Val: it would have been dramatic and unexpected. my ad-lib you didn't see coming. after 40 years you can be my wingman anyday.
Tom: let's male-bond this conclusion with a bearhug and a couple of cigarettes...
Val Kilmer: seriously this could very well be my exit from life. nah, i'm gonna get better and fully recover for Willow 2. that short man...
Tom Cruise: ...
Val Kilmer: ...that short man from Willow, he's still alive, right?...
missing man formation: to honor the soldier. the fallen comrade. but it is in and of itself a fucking dangerous flight maneuver that could very well lead to another casualty...
Tom: anyone want some Lucky Strikes? Iceman didn't want his...
Miracle 1: the depression
Miracle 2: lifting from your depression with a hole in a cave
Miracle 3: Jesus
Native Americans: don't you get it yet after all these years, numbnuts!!! don't put our names on anything that promotes violence!!! whether it's war OR sports!!! we brought you missives, not missiles. we don't come in peace, we were here FIRST in peace!!! the natives aren't restless, YOU'RE the ones who are restless all invading and colonializing like you did. colonizing cunts.
Miles: you told me NOT TO THINK.
Tom: why'd you push me just now?
Miles: come on, it was just a shove.
Amber Heard: ...
Tom: do you know how to fly one of these things?
Tom: me neither. don't worry, the net attached to the aircraft carrier will catch us like wicked tuna if we fly off the runway, keep eating your shelled peanuts.
Tom Cruise: JFK can be my wingman anyday. now THOSE are two alpha males, huh?
JFK: thanks, Tom. the other Tom, Tom Clancy, only WROTE about flying...
Tom Cruise: i'm uneasy that this film is thought of as a Republican movie being used to recruit moviegoers into the Armed Forces. i think of it more like live-action Beetle Bailey...
China: who's the enemy in this?
Tom: don't worry, the unnamed enemy is not Communist China. we keep the enemy unnamed so we can SHOW this movie in China and rake in even more trillions. Scientology is scary but there's a dark force in the world that's even scarier: Fox News. the unnamed enemy we're fighting here is Fox News. fox, get it? like the call sign, the call to fight, the call to war. Air Force lingo, you wouldn't get it, you people just don't understand.
Will Smith: ...
Will Smith: my callsign is Will Sith.
Tom Cruise: it's one of life's little mysteries that i remained a Captain this whole time and never ranked up.
Naruto: tell me about it...
Naruto: this movie bites. your fighter jets aren't flashy and cool like me.
Tom: flashy? cool? you?
Naruto: my silver headband. my orange balloon pants. all these airplanes just start wars you can't get out of, leaving it up to the younger generations to clean up the adults' mess!!! think about that, Hokage Toonami Tom.
Tom Cruise: i will.
Naruto, squinting: g'night folks, believe it.
JFK at Woodstock: i have a very special mission planned.
a jetfighter plane zooms over the Woodstock field to the horror of the hippies attending, everyone ducks as it flies a little TOO LOW, undercutting the people buzz with the plane buzz.
Julee Cruise is piloting the craft.
JFK waves from the ground.
Julee from the opened cockpit to air it out: thank you, sir, you saved my life. i was a little hazy in my head for a while there towards the end. my eyes were all blurry.
JFK: see? told you. this is a cool job, right?
Julee: nah. i'll leave it to John McCain to take over from here on out. i'll unload my payload and then i'm going back to my music.
JFK: i like your music. it's moody. ethereal. like early The Mamas & the Papas. remember tho don't let the music get TOO moody...
Julee flies over the campground, shooting not missiles but flowers at all the gatherers and peace-loving worshippers at the park that day. the crowd goes NUTS and wild as the weighted blanket of light flowers envelops all 300 trillion of them...
Nixon: nothing but an air mattress of airy flowers. Jack, i'm thinking of testing out a room's bed at the Watergate hotel. a nice place for the missus and i to have sex in. the wife loves those pillow mints full of a swan's nuts. and then after we christen the place we'll open up my campaign headquarters from there.
JFK: nah. i've ordered that Watergate building demolished, it failed inspection, it's an unsafe hazard zone. it's now a Howard Johnsons.
Jacques Pepin: oh thank you, mon ami Jacques F. Kennedy, i will vote for you.
Nixon: i feel headwaters splashing on my weird clay face...
JFK: so i've been naked for a VERY long time here. the tents were used to hem the press in, not to provide me cover. i've been free to roam the farm and swim in all the open lakes in all the open fields in all the open imaginations of my multifaceted mind. i've been naked for a week straight and gay. and i've fucked 100,000 women and 10,000 men on these grounds alone. sorry, Wilt. i dived in headfirst everywhere. all in the name of love, for the cause of justice. i've had my fill. a President's duty is to his office. and to his orifice. i can never betray my one true love.
Marilyn Monroe arrives and drives up the field in a blue bus painted with Billy Corgan's face. she gets out into the muck and is wearing nothing but brown beads and dusty faded bluejean-bellbottoms with a circle of cloth ONLY around her ankles.
Marilyn: oathed, bitch. i wanna drink your oat milk. cloth for clit. do you like my corn-yellow hair so long it drops to my bare feet, Jack?
JFK: i wasn't looking at your hair. but i will put my rainbow flower into it.
JFK: ladies and gentlemen, THIS is my only true love. Marilyn. i get it, war whores, antiwar activist assholes, there's not enough love to go around. when i see my Marilyn dancing here, when i see her whirling about, spinning, sinning with her skirt, jumping sideways, her tits twirling in the magic moonlit mud, i want to protect ALL LIFE. her eyes make me salivate to save. when i see an Indian feather in her hair i look at Marilyn's blue eyes, those crystal ocean eyes, those sea eyes, those sea-leg eyes, makes me want to travel the world by water like i did when i was a Navy pup and save every last living thing down to the smallest ant. g'night folks. i mean it this time.