notes:
* Ryan Reynolds: you are no Ryan Reynolds, Ben Barnes.
Ben Barnes: i do not have a mother. i don't have YOUR mom. i am literally a bastard.
* Meta: we're like Peloton but you won't die!!! well not in the REAL world anyway, in OUR world the virtual world which will one day be the real world...
Meta: and at the end of your bike ride there's a cool little dangly thing on a rope that looks like a penis that hits your nose!!!
* me: when Craig Robinson says., "that's you" at the end of the Pizza Hut commercial, i BURST out laughing, my BUSTS are seamed with laughter.
* Jamie: i didn't win the lawsuit in court but everybody knows i wrote that song!!!
New Order: too soon, mate.
John Denver: i'm not rolling in my grave, i'm singing in my grave.
Jon Hamm: it's me, remember our blind date?
Flo: i don't remember you. i would have remembered you.
Jamie: this is the lesson here, never underestimate struggling actors, you never know when they will become unstruggling.
* Victor Fontanez: i only ever drank water from a fountain. the school fountain or the barrio fountain. i'm Latin, we only ever drank Dirty Coke. where did i grow up? watch the intro to the tv show Chico and the Man. see this tat on my neck? i'm the REAL ecowarrior, Earth Day is REALLY everyday for me. yes it's a tattoo of Planet Earth. we don't leave our neighborhoods for the big city, we make sure where we came from is taken care of with our new money, unlike some people.........Tom Brady i'm looking at you.
* YouTube TV
the real crime is not your cable bill being three pages long, it's that you are in a frozen apartment alone while the rest of your friends are next door in the cozy warm hygge apartment with a large-screen TV. why are you spending your Saturday night watching TikTok on your watch?
* Papa Johns
Pasqually: what exactly is a pizzamaker? whatever it is, it's weird. it's not a rolling pin, it's not a circular carving board, it's not an oven, it's not a kiln. it's a.........some sort of pancake batter dip pan?
* New York Life: we sell product. but the product is people...
old man: how did i get my liver spots sanded off my temples? Reverse Man Dan!!!
* Queen Elizabeth: i've experienced platinum before. my band Massive Attack's debut album went Triple Platinum...
* Julia Roberts: i won't let my kids see The Shining in a theater while it's snowing outside. which is ironic cos i was supposed to be IN The Shining. Jack Nicholson said i wasn't crazy enough...
* Jack Nicholson: Hollywood wouldn't have survived if it was just selling art out of my garage in 1910. it needed corporate commerce, not cupcakes.
* me: what are we doing here, people? my dad was a better coder than Elon Musk ever will be.
* Doryce: it's not my sink till i spit in it.
* Mardith: you gotta go with the flow.
Jillian Clare in Valley-girl voice: like totally like really yeah i would love to go with the flow but, like, what time does the flow start?
* Bon Jovi: the "Always" music video was our "November Rain".
Cat in the Hat: i always knew Dr. Seuss made me kinky...
Keri Russell: don't mind me, i'm just the roommate crashing on your couch. i have to decide between Scott Speedman and the Pink Power Ranger...
Scott Speedman: .........what the HELL happened to me?
Greykid: that's me as the black cat on the fence consoling the jilted woman when she classically removes her heels to walk an alleyway staggered and disheveled.
Steve Jobs: that's me with long hair...
* Emma Raducanu: the French Open is weird with the roof closed. it doesn't look like the French Open, it looks like some cheap indoor tournament with tacky lights. the French Open has become a cocktail lounge.
* Jubilee juice: Moet is pronounced Mo-Wet
* Zverev: i wouldn't have gotten that ankle injury if i had won that first set...
Paul Pierce in a wheelchair: can i come back to ESPN now? it's been long enough. i REALLY want to talk to Malika Andrews...
Nadal: where's Roger?...
* Roger Federer: i've never had an injury-default by my opponent in one of my semifinals, i've always had to earn it the hard way. in fact i've never seen anyone awarded a Grand Slam by their opponent defaulting in the Final...
* Bud Collins: the Williams sisters are not listed to play Wimbledon this year of 2022.
Serena: the fuck?
Danielle Collins: Bud is my dad. and my bud. my father is my friend.
* Polaris Slingshot: when toys become real.
Dirg: i'm always the three-wheeler on dates...
* Pina Bausch: first i had Popeye arms. then i was anorexic-skinny. but it's okay, i'm a dancer. easily solved by rubbing a little Bauch + Lomb on my arms...
* Richard Jefferson: i'll do it if you do it.
Malika Andrews: my pie?
Richard Jefferson: i want your pie.
Malika splats an apple pie in Richard's face, Richard splats a cream pie in Malika's face.
Pietisserie: oh, now i get it. in the face.
happy weekend, my babies
TOMORROW: i'm gonna try to eat Chipotle at my public library...
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