ON TOP OF EVERYTHING: THE ULTIMATE LIFE HACK (THE REAL BOB'S BURGERS SEASON FINALE)

 

MBC is the prettiest youngest CEO on the planet. and the third in America because America is third in the world. why she doesn't strut in flipper feet everytime she disembarks from her kelp boat is cos she's done the work, she doesn't need to preen her dripping lips. her all-black wetsuit flips over and dries her wet thick chaplet of matted matte hair.

MBC: i'm from a different generation, the millennial generation, we cared. we still care. when the fascists from the previous administration razed down and dismantled Summit, we had to think of another circle of high-end friends, influencers, and business magnates to count on to save the world in secret. i got my MBA from Instagram, none of that shit matters anymore in the world, we're in dire straits here!!! so there's Serac now built in a day from wood atop the snowy Himalayan hilly mountains. 

MBC: i remember the day i met my future husband clear as ocean water. how i want ocean water to be, to remain. i was naked on a bikini-only white-sand beach in Porto, Portugal, breezily going about my young life not thinking about commitment but secretly cringing inside cos i was rudderless. 

Tina Belcher in a bikini on the beach: is someone trying to say or think my name right now? or otherwise trying to conjure me for something?

MBC: there he was. on the beach before my eyes. tall, hulking, but not sporty in any way. a nerd. he wore glasses.

Benoit: like the beads. the anal beads. you got nice big tits.

MBC: you can see them, can you? that's what your glasses are for, aye? you got glasses. your smile is thick-lipped. you're kinda cute in a goofy duckbilled-platypus kinda way.

their first date was right there on the sand, they skydived on a tiny wind-battered kite the two of them on top of this lightweight red-triangle kite with a string of multicolored bows for a tail. that made for a tale. everyone else on that beach marveled at how those two stayed airborne. 

MBC: this ain't heavy enough, dark enough, it won't last. who's pulling who?

Benoit eating her bikini-top mistaking it for the kite tail: no one, we're flying each other. we're flying BECAUSE of each other. that's pretty sweet, right? rather sweet. rather romantic.

MBC: why do you insist on wearing that red fez all the time? are you a member of the cardinal clergy? i i need to be able to FUCK you for this to work.

Benoit: it's my barretina. i'm a member of a congregation of swarthy sexual Mediterranean men living on the coastline.

MBC: we're gonna have to do something DRASTIC if this thing's gonna last. i've been wanting to do this social experiment in real life for a long time, a hypothetical i formed in my head at college. and the two of us are perfect and perfectly-timed lab rats. let's FORCE OURSELVES to stay apart from each other FOR A WHOLE MONTH. if we are sweating and crying all the time at the end of it cos we simply cannot possibly continue living ONE MORE SECOND APART from each other, if the bond between us is so strong both of us are in convulsions each night sleeping alone in our soaked palmed beds, THEN we will know that this was fate.

at JFK Airport both parties are crying and carrying on on tacky orange shag carpet from the fascist era not the '70s. MBC hugs Benoit and feels his bicep muscle for the first time.

MBC: i'll miss you, i think, i HOPE.

Benoit: SAME. i get a weird feeling from you, a GOOD weird feeling. may our separation be on paper only. not in spirit. you had me sign a stupid form to make it legal.

MBC: my lawyers did that up, a green CEO can't be too careful. i'm coming into some money soon. bye, potential lover.

Madonna on SNL in the 1980s: i'm a married woman now, so...

Blackwall Tunnel: England's Arc de Triomphe

Michael Weiss: before Instagram, people sent postcards, it took 3 months to get your point across.

Michael Jackson: EOS, Evolution of Smooth, i love this stuff for my skin, it would have been my next evolution at Disneyland...

EOS, Evolution of Smooth: lution lotion. no worries, Madame Pons, these are circular balls of skin care, not bath bombs.

Corona "The Rhythm of the Night": very similar to Rozalla's "Everybody's Free".........except for the Satanic tarot cards.

Laura Watton: the British do manga and anime, too!!! anime and manga!!!

Stanley Tucci: Tony Bourdain mentions negroni in his famous speech.

Rubikon: ...

Stanley Tucci: i happen to make a mean negroni, i'm famous for that.........i'm not comparing myself to Tony Bourdain but.

Anthony Bourdain: don't call me Tony.

Rectoress: i'm coming for Butt...

Brian Garfield: i finally made enough money to send Nermal to Ireland...

Wendy's: we double the strawberry for you this summer, Frosty and salad.........and our restaurants look like office buildings.

black swan event: black swan theory, black, Satanic, get it?...

Billie Joe Armstrong: hey don't go pushing Jodie Sweetin down, don't go shoving the slighted Tanner middle-child girl around, around a chained-link fence, manhandling the girl, this full house ain't divided and WILL stand!!!

Anthony Bourdain at the JFK Airport lounge: when i say be at a bar at 4 o'clock when there's no people, that could apply to AM but it's more meaningful if it's PM...

Norad the night elf at the JFK Airport bathroom downstairs from the rotunda elliptical: i've never met Santa in my life. but i've helped Santa get through the stress of Christmas Night with a blowjob. my name is David Harbour and i have no memory of the entirety of the year 2005...

Emma Raducanu: i like to SIT on the grass when i strike the ball with force abandon forehead and backhand playing my Wimbledon matches on that sweet sweet green lawn.

Inuyasha wearing a tennis ball around his neck: ...

Emma: i sit my arse down on that sweet sweet wet grass and get my arse all moist and muddy and pretend i'm a hippie in the 1969 Summer of Love...

in the crowds at Wimbledon.

fan: Emma, will you marry me?

Emma Raducanu: how much money you make? just kidding. wait a minute you're just a BOY!!! here have some Percy Pigs.

Orla Melissa: ...

crones Doryce and Gladyce: we bumped into Rudy Giuliani at The Store...

Harmony Tan: my COACH said scalp, okay?...

Hiawatha: obviously you get your impressive tan from the orange sun, not a tanning bed.

Mardith: i'm 1/32th Native American...

...an illegal slideshow in Walnut Creek leads to an arrest...

Faith Streng: faith is on a string these days.

Mardith: tell me about it, sister, it's gonna take ANOTHER 50 YEARS to get Roe back!!! back to us, back to our arms!!! to reverse the reversal. until we get 13 Supreme Court judges who expand the Court to 13 Judges and lean left.

Faith Streng: expand to 13? that's unlucky, not lucky, and impossible. is Roe or Wade still alive? i need to talk to them.

Mardith: i'm trying to do an aura cleanse around the whole area but i've been alone for so long, i only hear animals now, not humans.

Faith Streng: do you have ANY idea how hard it is to make it in the underground Los Angeles acting scene...

The Tennis Channel: wouldn't you rather watch pickleball instead of Wimbledon?...  

Nick Kyrgios spits in a fan's face.

John McEnroe: the fan deserved it. look, Nick is a misunderstood guy like me. i'll visit Nick in prison after work and see if i can get those Kobe tickets...

Chiara Passari: i'm no bird, don't call me a passenger pigeon, i do the Pigeon dance in bed when i fuck Ernie in front of Bert, i traumatized Bert with that. Nick spits in bed with me all the time, i taught him how.

Nick: sorry, bird, i didn't mean to post that Instagram pic of us naked together in bed, i had to own an anonymous nobody person who came onto my Instagram...  

Chiara: don't get my hackles up, bitch. don't heckle me. never cross an Italian woman who's your Italian girlfriend!!!

Nick: sorry, luv.

Chiara: you peanut-butter-eating bitch.

Gravesend: where Casper the Friendly Ghost lives.........but NOT dies.

Casper the Friendly Ghost: i'm a hipster.

Sinclair Lewis going up the escalator at the JFK Airport slowly: when fascism comes to America it will be wrapped in the American flag and sticked on the pole of the Cross.

Tom Cruise: there is no blood feud between me and my dear friend Brad Pitt. i'm not texting to him daily texting him about the success of Top Gun: Maverick.

Brad Pitt: hey buddy Tom, i got an Oscar, you don't...

sifaka: your Wikipedia argument is invalid because you typed it without wearing a mask...

father: you're going to be a FIREMAN?

son: no, just the specific Ghostbusters firehouse in New York City...

Melissa Maker: i'm not a self-loathing Canadian, i'm just a Canadian who HATES the cold, i hate the place i live at cos of the cold weather, okay?!!! i'm sawry.

Maiara Walsh: i'm afraid we can never get married now, i DESPISE Trader Joe's...

Dakota Johnson: i knew i'd get karmic backlash for doing Fifty Shades of Grey.

Alfred Hitchcock: what? i'm not creepy, i gave you a miniaturized Tippi Hedren in a coffin.

Dakota: did you love my mother?

Alfred: were you conceived in North or South Dakota? i was offering your mom the part in my new screenplay Sunset Boulevard 2...

Liquid IV reporting live from the California drought: it's not Liquid 4...

man: this world is too much. it's too crazy. the world is WARPED. it's just TOO insane now. ungovernable, unfixable. i can't deal. i literally want to move to Hawaii so i can stick my head in the white sand.

Cecily Strong: now that i'm the female anchor of SNL, can i get my old Weekend Update anchor job back?...

5 Guys A Week: not another reality dating tv show. it's about a couple married for 70 years who eat each week at a Five Guys burger joint...

Jeanne Crain: insane in my memcrain. or brave in my brain. being a Republican during the McCarthy times in Hollywood. the times Trials. can i crash at Jack Tripper's place tonight? i went to another party. two in fact. i was the original Paris Hilton...

Mariah Carey: you'll always be my baby.........as in my child.

strong won't: better than strong bad

NFL: we're hiring for a position on sports betting.........to get as much money for ourselves from sports betting as we can. as much money possible legally and illegally. 

Alison Amritraj: i like that. AA.

Nick Nemeroff: i coached Roger Federer...

Foreen: not foreign

Eye Luggage: Bob's Burgers: The Movie and go. or The Bob's Burgers Movie and go.

Dirg: THIS WAS LAME.

Laertus: agree. kinda. kinda agree. i mean there was one RAISON D'ETRE for this movie, ONE reason for this to exist: to reveal what Louise Belcher looks like without her pink bunny-ears hat. and they DIDN'T DO IT!!! they hinted at it but no SHOW!!!

previous government: raison d'etat...

Eye: not to mention we still don't know what Ginger looks like. we still don't have the Louise-Regular-Sized-Rudy kiss we all want, the one that gets caught in braces rubber-bands.

Rubikon: i want them to acknowledge Rudy's asthma and anthropomorphize his inhaler so he can better relate to Louise's Pokémon. they did that already? i thought that was a vacuum.

Madame Pons: i feel this movie was tailormade for MY demographic...

Bob Belcher admiring his slight figure in his steel spatula: and of course the BIGGEST sin of all: they had the chance to FINALLY reveal my MOM!!! what does Bob Belcher's mother look like? but no the sun conveniently covers her face!!! we all got BAITED. talk about a cocktease.

Dirg: that was said very Archerly the way Archer would say that. thank you. at least Season 1 Archer, Archer from Season 1.

Tyzik: you'd think for this movie they'd have a special Bob's Burger of the Day, really ramp up the name, have the wordplay be EXTRA clever. what did they use?

Laertus: i forgot. getting faint. something faint in my mind. a mango or something? 

Eye: a burger that has a watercress finger sandwich inside.

Linda Belcher: cheer up, Bob.

Bob Belcher: for the last time, Linda, the burgers talk to ME!!! don't move my mouth with your fingers like i'm the Joker.

Linda: what did your mother always say to you?

Bob: i don't know, i never saw her face.

Linda: don't get down in the pits or you'll end up in shits. we can say that, right? it's an R movie. 

Linda and Bob in bed together under moonlit-blue sheets.

Linda: you feel covered, Bob?

Bob: i'm fried with anxiety. immobilized by fear. we can't pay our joint mortgage. burger-joint mortgage. we're gonna lose my father's dream. of a diner. and the house. i'm covered by the sheets but not emotionally, psychiatrically, and really.

Linda sack-taps Bob's penis. 

Bob: why'd you hit my nuts? and tap my glans back and forth like a swing toy?

Linda: it's what we do in Sac. where i'm from, Sactown. Sacramento, Old Italy. your balls are my kegel balls, my ben wa balls. to remind you to add nuts to your burgers. why don't you add nuts to your Burger of the Day one time?

Bob: i spread peanut butter on the burger buns, that's good enough.

Eye: i loved the musicals in this, the dance numbers. some went overlong but all were cute. 

Linda: did you like my fluidity in this? 

Laertus: i was just about to say.

Linda: the animation in this was EXTENSIVE, you really saw the shadelines in each character's cheeks. facial cheeks. you saw the shadows. the wharf came ALIVE with a new palette of raw color. and new storefronts. and carny booths. it was big-budget animation-budget shading. i was FLEXIBLE!!! alriiiiight!!! i was out there dancing like i was Kevin Bacon!!!

Bob: and i use bacon in my burgers. inside the bun.

 

Eye: okay but i FREAKED OUT when Louise and then the family get buried alive in that hole. the waterfall aspect of the leak was fun at first but not the BURIED ALIVE thing, the scene was PITCH BLACK!!! that part. and the mob-bodies pipe. mob pipeline. imagine experiencing this at an already-darkened movie theater as a FIVE-YEAR-OLD KID!!! that kid is traumatized right now in need of lifelong therapy.

Codrus: or he becomes a priest so he isn't so scared of being buried anymore.

Cotard: or a gravedigger if he's an atheist.

Marlena from Days of Our Lives: i'm still not over being buried alive myself and i was a grown seasoned professional woman trained to withstand psychological stress as a therapist.

Eye: and the chase scene with the bumper cars was straight out of the Disneyland ride they want to build outta this.

Seth MacFarlane: oh no, i just remembered Fox owns Disney, they're gonna build a Fox News theme park.

Boc: when is Marshmallow gonna get her due? can you please make Marshmallow the MAIN character? she always gets shafted, both meanings.

Dirg: i much prefer Speedo Guy.

Gene Belcher in purple mohawk: why didn't i play my fart synthesizer? only at the end in that '80s band but it was all covered with fog-machine fog. 

Laertus's dad: oh god that music on stage at the end was SO Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk.

Dirg: i don't know how this works i shouldn't be saying this out loud but shouldn't Tina and Jimmy Jr. have sex? is it too early for that? too young? are they in high school or junior high? it wouldn't be NOT realistic. i mean i remember a blowjob in the 7th Grade but i guess that was just me...

Jimmy Jr.: my butt looked GOOD all big on the big screen inbetween those two pieces of orange Kraft slice American cheese squares. melty. 

Tiny: your butt melts me like cheese.

Jimmy Jr.: hey why was my dad there but he never spoke the whole movie?

Dirg: it has to do with what Cassidy Hutchinson had to say about Jimmy Sr.

Dirg: look, i understand, it's hard to discredit Cassidy Hutchinson cos she's hot.

Lance Armstrong: my king days are over. i'm just dad now. i sold a wheel to the former fascist administration that was a Fisher Price wheel for a baby scooter.

Robin: even I didn't have baby hands THAT small.

Captain Nemo: i did savor the use of a harpoon-gun as the murder weapon. you don't see good harpoon guns in high art anymore.

Alfred Hitchcock: right?

Captain EO harpooning: ...

Michael Jackson: i did enjoy all the dancing during the end credits from all the characters, even the very minor minor characters you never see and will never see again. g'night folks.

MBC patiently waits outside the theater exit for all the filmgoers to come out. so she can sell her wares.

MBC: i hold in my hand a bloody pad. a pad where i keep my survey strained from all the soppy blood sweat and tears i've had to work for my entire life. rinsed and stained on my eyelids. i already have crow's feet under my eyes. to work towards, the bigger picture is the larger goal. HERE MISTER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY MY KELP BURGER?

Bob Belcher: well.........okay. Olay? for your eye skin? and the skin under my saggy sagging butt? relatable. i'm trying to relate to you. i'm trying this to not be rude. not out of spite or jealousy. to be polite.........okay you know what? wow. this burger is TASTY. IT'S ACTUALLY VERY GOOD!!! you can't tell the difference!!! i shouldn't be saying that out loud it's bad for business. i got some kelp in my cookie-duster of a mustache.

MBC: kelp tastes like cookie i mean cookies. see? i told you. i'm trying to save the world over here!!!