TMIT: LIGHTSABER CHOPSTICKS

 

i would finally master eating with chopsticks if i had lightsaber chopsticks

1. tell us 10 things that scare you

*courts, not tennis the other court

*the 1984 secret police, tho that Eurythmics song was cool and i would have liked to see Elizabeth Taylor in the role of Big Brother

* Wimbledon without fans

* -isms

* having too much money

* when the trains run on time

* Freddie Prinze, Jr.

* Jack "Black Swan" Black

* Ethan Hawke now that he did that fucked-up horror role

* Judge Judy (court again)

but really it comes down to the overall overarching all-encompassing fear: nothingness. nothingness is scary. eternally scary. the only person who can help us through this is Jodie Sweetin.

2. when it comes to sex, which of the following do you and your partner disagree about more?

a) where to have sex: i want the cemetery and she wants the church, i mean it's kinda the same thing

b) when to have sex: i want it in a Burger King bathroom, she wants it only at 3:44 AM in the morning, luckily i work the graveyard shift

c) how often to have sex: she can get by on once a month, i need it every afterlife...

3. worst thing to do as a couple:

a) dieting: WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT TRUST DR. GUNDRY!!!!!!!!!! we both enjoy whatever diet cookies Cathy the comic-strip lady is eating at the moment. DIET COKE IS NOT COKE!!!

b) picking a movie: i want The Unbearable Lightness of Being, she wants Last of the Mohicans. i like grimy inscrutable subtitled-in-Czech romance, she likes americana action in the forest it gives her wood. we both wanna fuck Daniel Day-Lewis but for different reasons.

c) building something from Ikea: she likes Swedish meatballs but they remind me too much of Brian Smith. i'm not good with my hands except to hold a pen, the only thing i know how to build are those tiny houses from Lena Dunham.

4. what is the most organic thing in your home right now? water. i live in California and in California water is more valuable than oil...

5. tell us the best thing you bought to enhance your life for under 30 usd:

a stick. also a love potion i got at the 99 Cent Store that makes me desirable by making me age 29 again...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY