notes:
* Butt: i get to go to The Abbey Bookshop in Paris. i need to meet Ethan Hawke there...
Butt: i love the catacomb bunkers of books here...
* Toneri: you can't tell by how i talk what the tone is i'm using. am i happy? sad? mad? glad?
* Hagar the Horrible 1989 short: don't mind us, we're not copy-n-pasting directly from The Jetsons or anything. the blonde from Too Close For Comfort is the daughter!!! and Optimus Prime is Hagar!!!
Optimus Prime: the Vikings were really experimental robots...
Hagar: i love that ice cream with the two umlaut dots over the double-a, we conquered that land.
Cotard: at around the 9-minute mark i make a cameo appearance in this as a scribe...
Hamlet: i look like Linus without the blanket and hair...
me: i ADORED this short, it is a TRAGEDY and a CRIME this wasn't picked up and made into a series. it would have been one of the great classic series of all time alongside, well, Primal or something. this show is The Flintstones set in The Smurfs time period.
* Lupin III: remember, EVERY episode has a character removing a rubber mask...
* Cotard in a bikini: have you noticed that all country spas nowadays look like monasteries?...
* Tyzik: if you buy something, you're gonna get mail from that company EVERY DAY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE.
* Rubikon: ooooh, did you see i mean feel the envelope the Mastercard Black card application came in? that envelope was pure grey silk.
* Gladyce: two words, dear: Gorilla Glue.
Doryce: sounds heavenly.
Gladyce: not if you get it all over your spell fingers permanently encasing them in stone needing a chisel to sand off your fingernails. do you have any acetone?
Doryce: nailpolish remover? dahlin i ALWAYS have my nails did in case a man shows up.
* Lowe's: at Lowe's, Father's Day is our Christmas. it's like a national bank holiday for us so we can put all the money in our bank. fathers, what do you use a drill for?
dads: not to drill, we just like the sound the drill motor makes.
Lowe's: what do you use all these tools for?
dads: we just like the big yellow hard suitcase they come in, yellow is such a cute color.
Lowe's: what do you use this lawnmower for?
dads: we just like to ride it. to drive it. to check the engine under the hood. it's a lawnmower CAR, we don't care two shits about grass.
Lowe's: what do you use all this bathroom pipe for?
dads: water slides.
Lowe's: look at our blue-house logo. Mandela effect, everyone thought it was Lowes...
* ACE hardware: sorry, the ONLY grills that exist now are those green-egg ones, the Martians have decreed this..
* Liberty Mutual Minions
pier fisherman: wharf, not Worf. i got fired from ESPN for hating on LeBron James. how can you hate LeBron James? okay i'm jealous of LeBron James. i wish i had Mike Lupica's sarcasm and Scoop Jackson's street cred. i'm not an idiot, i'm a man ahead of my time, they can't handle me. a lot of stress in my life cos i get shunned wherever i go so fishing is my safe space.
Minions: we know we're annoying. we wish we could ACTUALLY FUCKING TALK. you saw the yellow submarine and thought John Lennon was still alive inside it, John Lennon had faked his own death Paul McCartney-style...
* Meta
if it's any street, it's Abbey Road.
Janine Turner: after Northern Exposure i eschewed all snowmobiles for buses...
they shoulda used that giant sewing machine in the Fooly Cooly alternative shows.
bubble man: wait this sponge isn't the same as these dancing penguins in front of me, right?
salon: we don't do nails, we do third eyes for four eyes, mystics who wear glasses. it's only true love if your fingers form a heart around your eyes.
* Kia: it's just not the same Storm Watch without Maria LaRosa. here, Maria, we left a coat out for you on the chain-link fence. they're for the homeless but if it coaxes you back...
Maria LaRosa: honey, i moved from Atlanta to New York City, that's a power move...
* Burger King Chicken Fries: we are a COMPLETE MEAL.
Phoenix: be honest, how does the Big Fish sell? do people even know the Big Fish exists? it does NOT compete with the saucy tartary Filet-o-Fish, the GOLD STANDARD with the lemon-colored slice of lemon, the fish my DAD ate.
* Idris Elba: even saying lit in a British accent makes the word "lit" lame. UNLESS lit is short for literal from now on. it's impossible to make a Swedish sauna any more hygge by adding logs. we're kinda pants at naming. we're kinda bellend at naming...
* Toyota Tundra: COMING THROUGH!!! towing David Bowie's rocket spaceship!!!...
happy weekend, my babies. call your father.
TOMORROW:
Laertus's dad: i'm going to Denny's.
Jala-Bac Burger: i have a jalapeno for a hat. my head is BURNING right now, i got head lice with scratchy seeds.
Boc: ...
Bacc: they wouldn't let Star Wars creatures like me in...
Paris Hilton: how hot is too hot? i'm still fighting to shut those camps down even if the media forgot about it.
Gwen Stefani: don't come to me, i've retired. i'm living with Gavin i mean Blake i mean Gavin. they're the same man, i've been punking the media, i do punk rock after all. you've never seen Gavin Rossdale and Blake Shelton in the same picture together for obvious reasons...
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