WHEN DID YOU START CALLING FAMILY FAM?

 

notes:

* wait, Brexit isn't working? SHOCKING

* Laertus: why is it that the only people who are successful in life now are the ones who find their spouse on a reality show? they're the amateur magician who goes on the Amazing Race to hike a few hills, those are the only relationships that last and have clout in this society.

* Doryce: i don't understand our Mardith. she works for the strictest cleanest steak restaurant but she comes home eats a large bowl of sticky potatoes and leaves the dirty dish there overnight sticking to her computer frame for me to find in the morning. it takes three days to scrape off that bowl of its caked-in bacon bits.

Gladyce: treat her with grace, dear, her actions are baked-in and quite unconscious. she gets home from a hard day's work, plops in front of the computer and starts playing computer games, and then she goes to sleep, the bowl thing is an afterthought she's not even thinking about.

* Tremfya: we got to Eden before Fena did...

*  Madame Pons: moxibustion, not to do with my breasts, it's how i heal now.........and i use the smoke to make LUSH candles. moxa is a good poultice for face and faith. for leaves to leave this plane.

* Father God: everyone in the minivan! i packed a sleeping bag but i don't think we'll need one sleeping in the desert. this is what happens when you're a video-game hero with a hood but don't complete the Crusades stage, you age quickly, your 3 Lives become old.

kids: daddy is this car our house?

Father God: just draw a house with your crayons and we'll live there. 

kids: daddy where's mommy?

Father God: look! see that stork fly by?

* Father God: *crying* i'm so sorry, family! i was selfish. i wanted all of us to do the Tool video, i thought it would be a bonding thing. but really there's this specific store out here in Hell i mean the desert that sells the shade of red i'm looking for to paint my toenails. 

kids: one of us is hurt, dad, are you bringing the first-aid kit from the car?

Father God: no this is my boombox.

* WE'RE JUST HORSING IN THE VOID

* hip dude in an inside Beaches: we're just horsing in the void, that's the only Truth. but the thing is, people don't care, people just want to get their toes in the sand. but do you like your sand hot or wet? i mean is this even a real beach or a projection on a giant indoor silver sphere we're all stuck inside of? one of those Blade Runner 2049 ladders. the giant cube from that Filter video in the desert.

* hip dude: horseplay in the void. but all is not lost, the fact that a void exists is better than if the void didn't exist. my psychiatrist is ordering me to make good friends. all i have now are regular friends.

* hip dude at Denny's for brunch:

hip dude: Andy's not Jenny Baranick but baby steps. Andy, let's discuss free will.

Andy: there is no free will, eventually Jay Leno will take your job.

hip dude: if this space tourism thing works out one day we'll have a moneyless Star Trek utopia. 

* Winx will always have bad CGI...

* work is a kind of family, too. this cubicle is a bunch of lawyers who computer for a jury that will convict a ham sandwich, they type while eating ham sandwiches.

* look at my bunny ears not my breasts

*  vaping is bad, kids. unless you try the vegetable flavors.

* the bottom line to this Sunday Spiritual synth song: you're not real. you were here before but not anymore, not now. you were a Consciousness of a past that no longer exists. you're just a copy of a copy. you've done this before but you don't remember. the flowers smelt differently cos you didn't have a nose back then. remember in the past when you could still hug? could still shake hands?

* Infinity Train Season 5 would have been this conductor with his halo on backwards, his halo is vertical not horizontal. the other characters are the band Toto from the "Africa" video but as kids, before they wore those hip '70s threads. and the villain in the pervert longcoat is a spy from the enemy agency from the original Carmen Sandiego computer game. and that's the grimoire from Black Clover which predicts the exact day production will restart again...

* laughter is the best medicine, if you can laugh at yourself...

* ALL of yourselves...

* you don't have to be a famous colorful rapper to be happy in life. not everyone will look the same, some of us will look like the lead singer of Korn. you may think you come from a happy family but your family will never be as happy as the family of flies buzzing round your head at this moment.

* it's never too hot to laugh. you MUST laugh. it's okay to go offscript. this sketch should have been done in the nude from the start.

* family is fun at first, but then it gets annoying when you realize it's for life. giant Cheetos don't help.

* of all the happy people in the end, i want to be Serena Williams by that forest brook, that forest looks so cool, both meanings.

CLICK HERE FOR A NEW EPISODE OF OFF THE AIR

happy weekend, my babies

they still haven't done Water...

TOMORROW: Heirloom Pizza

but no Heirloom Pizza. they only open from 5PM to 8PM everyday, with Mondays off for good measure. how does this business model succeed? the pizza looks good, mostly a blanket of diced tomatoes for the sauce. i mean 8PM is when the steak dinner is just getting started, that's when the House italian salad dressing gets wheeled out, the italian with the extra chives and cheese and tomato. sigh. so i guess it's McDonalds for the HOT MUSTARD