Wednesday, October 13, 2021



Marco Pantani is at the knotty hairy mooring ropes swashing to and fro wrapped on choking the nesttops of the Ted Danson pier dock, ready to say goodbye.
Marco Pantani: don't cry, my Andre, i hate it when you cry. your red face doesn't match your yellow pirate skullcap.
Andre Agassi: i'll never see you again.
Marco: don't be a drama queen, i'll be back.
Andre: sure that's what all the pirates say!
Marco: i gotta do this tho. a men's locker is calling out to me. i hear voices coming from a pink seashell floating on a seawave. 
Andre: sure it's not just a conch crunch in your cunt? btw which pirate crew are you joining?
Marco: my destiny lies with the.........actually i don't know. Fena or Jen Pizarro, it doesn't really matter.

Lance Lear spots Hincapie preparing his bicycle in the handicapped zone of a Fedco. it takes Hincapie 30 minutes to do the parkjob cos the parts are very complicated and must be folded a certain way.
Lance Lear: can i help you?
Hincapie: omg it's our LEADER! no, sir, i got it.
Lance: it sucks you have to do this everytime all the time.
Hincapie: i know but rules be rules. i'm an honest citizen.
Lance: want me to give you some drugs so you aren't handicapped anymore?
Hincapie: no i can't it would be unethical. i like my wheelchair racer, it's more aerodynamic than a regular model.
Lance: it's got the silver rims with silver from Peru so isn't that just another form of cheating? here, let me take you all the way to the dark side. what will you do for my daughters?
Hincapie: *hands up* i will never touch them, sir.
Lance: no i want you to help them.
Lovato: let me attach an informant wire to your chair, bub, no one will be the wiser.
Hampshire: can i ride bitch on your bike?, i want the sensation in my luxuriously-shampoo'd hair of being the first horse jockey from LUSH.
Floch: leave him alone, dad, you're still in gaol in the Tower. this is a prisoner call made behind glass. glass just got invented this year.

Takahashi: the Bellingham McDonalds looks like a public school.
Dirg: a campus is a campus.

Jeanie  Buss: i mean honestly i'm hotter and bulkier and more agile than any of these W.O.W. Women of Wrestling wrestlers.

Pati Jinich: it ain't my fault! i tried to class up the joint! Taco Bell rejected my refried black beans. and frijole fritters. and i STILL don't know why they don't serve fish tacos...

Joan of Arcadia: we did Fena first...

Madame Pons: who are you?
Madonna: Madame X.
Madme Pons: thank you for stepping in my shoppe with your black laces. the bell was a little dingier. care for one of our neon-blue tub soaps? sugar scrub? salt scrub? onion-salt scrub?
Madonna: will it glow under music-video lights? i'm not in the Camorra, i met Sal Jr at the garage i swear.

Ye: my name is Kanye, not cagne.

Deep Springs College.
Codrus: home of deepfakes?
Cotard: no, where monks train...

Trader Joe's: we're not just for Cotton Eyed Joe anymore. we sell Cotton deodorant......for women!!!

Principal Sharon Burns: why aren't i on the Heavy Metal (1981) soundtrack?

Olivia Wilde: sorry, Harry, i really thought they'd cancel Ted Lasso after two episodes. why would a show about soccer be popular in America? i'll star in the music video to your latest song then i'm off this ship.

Dirg: the Shark Mop? Shark VacuumMop? they actually had the balls to parade a beautiful woman milf mom in mom jeans.

Rubikon: that Turo commercial with the old man befacing scratchy whiskers who looks like Dr Vacc with worn warm bruised brown '70s shades, and the two black girls---one younger, one older---who take his insanely expensive silver-bullet car out for a spin drifting the Hollywood Hills, this is the Diff'rent Strokes reboot! i'm writing the first episode in my head right now...

La Brea: we're the non-anime Yashahime.........NOW will you watch us?

ooser: not everyone can have this orgasm, it's slow-rolling and comes in waves like a month-long volcano, only Doryce can achieve it.

Takahashi: this is why i specifically go to the McDonalds in Gilroy, only that campus has the Gilroy Garlic McDonalds fries.

Dirg: if you're a Starbucks barista you better lose your hatred of cops with a quickness cos that's like 75% of the customers you're gonna be serving.

Michael Weiss in painter's beret and painter's mustache: all art on Instagram is done by anonymous people with one pegleg who have two years to live.

Laertus: you know when you waste 10 years of your life posting to a blog everyday and you only get ONE commenter the entire time? ONE commenter the whole decade, that same one troll...

Wander Franco: i'm joining the monastery, i'm their newest novitiate.

Sharna Burgess: Brian Austin Green is my partner.........and dance partner

Svitolina looks up.
Svitolina: sorry, babe, GEMS Life is not the Steven Universe reboot. weren't you using a fake pink hair color anyway?

Mardith: oh my goddess those nipples are quarters!!!!!!!!!

Doryce: am i farting right now?
Gladyce: no dear, that's just The Store's rolling grocery carts, it's a bad wheel.
Doryce: oh good! i thought it was me.
Dirg: where are your hand trucks?

Doryce: they're dropping like flies in Mardith's fridge.........everytime you turn over the stick of butter there's a dead fly caught in the wax wrap.
Mardith: not my fault, it's too hot for Autumn. 
Gladyce: the Treehouse fridge has dead flies in it...

Princess Amalia in the Dutch Kingdom castle: i'm not a lesbian just cos i'm fat.

John Kerry on a punt boat: i don't know why i was never asked to join Foo Fighters, i play a mean cupid's kettledrum.

Jennifer Pizarro and Pat on the pirate ship:
Jen Pizarro: all Jennys give great neck. the Great Neck from Baranick. just ask the o captain my captain of this right here ship. hey Pat, look at that girl's rock. look at the pink diamond ring on that girl's chipped fingertip nailpad! chipped cos it's too heavy!! sometimes you just gotta know when you're defeated, ain't no man nor God gonna break that girl's stone.
Pat: a thousand sighs i know. but see, that's all i want, i just want you in my orbit. if i can't have you. is it to much to ask that i have a girl's brunch with you every Wednesday afternoon at an empty Denny's? with all our girl friends, chatting, catching up over overripe green cantaloupe slices.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Jessica Walter: i had a Silence of the Lambs ending, too.
Eye: how are we feeling today, ma'am?
Jessica Walter: infinitely better.

Eye Luggage: I Am Curious and go.
Lena Nyman: WHY'D YOU BURN DOWN ALL THE THEATRES!!! it's just nudity.
Spider-Man: i know how you feel, they burned down all the theaters for me as well. they didn't like who was playing me.

Eye: so Los Movies only had the Yellow version not the Blue. but then a week later magically the Blue version appeared, too! so i guess we'll leave Blue for another time.........soon.

Laertus: i had no idea what to expect from this going in.
Dirg: oh you'll LOVE it, bub.
Laertus: again i wasn't expecting it to be as funny as it was, with the narrator interrupting his own film bringing the jokes game-show-host style. i guess deep inside i need more stand-up comedians in my sphincter acting as prunes.
Dirg: ass prunes?

Lena Nyman: everyone needs to calm down, this isn't Lolita.
Laertus: this movie is right, tho, socialism is the only way. especially when you're confronting Franco.

Ingmar Bergman: it must be hard doing a Swedish movie during this time, i mean NOTHING will EVER compare to my work.
Laertus: it is interesting to see how the Summer of Love affected not just the U.S., that thing had a mind of its own and was threatening to take over the world with its flowers. influencing all nations. you think of the late '60s but how were the late '60s in Sweden? we find out here.

Lena: watch out, it gets tricky. and sticky. at first i'm with an older man, typical student-professor relationship. i'm stuck on him. later on in the film my relationship with him undergoes an Inception
Dirg: the professor looks like every other neckbeard who works at Round Table Pizza. except he has a job. how did you shield him from all the threats?
Lena: there was no internet thank god.

Dirg: why do all these radical movements start inside student organizations at college? they all start on stage, they're all theatre groups.
Lena: cos the stage is the only chance to pretend we live in a just world. we can say ANYTHING. it's very liberating, very Hamilton with the powdered wigs or Hair with no wigs at all.

Eye: okay this part is interesting when she's interviewing the blue-collar workers. is this part REAL? is this actual reality tv of real people really being interviewed? really comes from real-y. are these reactions unscripted and genuine?
Lena: yes. this is the documentary part, it all blends together with the fiction.
Dirg: exactly.

Dirg: the apartment agony aunts living in the same building complex don't approve of your tawdry filmmaking technique and theory. look Sweden, you're never gonna win. except when it comes to covid policy. from the factory worker to the pizza-factory worker to the steel-Terminator-lava worker, wherever you're born, whatever station you are born into, you're gonna stay in that station. unless you work hard and give America all your money to start up a small business.

Mardith: religion and men, the downfall of women. Dirg, would you put up a poster of the person you hated the most on your bedroom wall?
Dirg: i already do. 
Laertus: let me guess, me?
Dirg: don't flatter yourself. it's actually The Rock. his dolly Presidential announcement was so staged.
The Rock: i can get the orcs to make oil again in their swamp, the orcs listen to me.

Lena: this was back when social justice wasn't a dirty word...

Dirg: these interview questions are unfair, i mean even i still vacation in Hawaii. what do you expect from Stockholm? everyone's under a syndrome.

Lena's father: Lena i don't like you going out late. mostly cos you take all the protest signs we need that for firewood this house is ice cold!
Lena: why'd you go on trial for Army Desertion?
dad: i thought that was the trail for army desserts. like Candyland, the only thing we played in the trenches to distract us cos it was so boring cos Sweden never goes to war.
Lena: mom was a bitch.
Lena's dad: HEY! Mom did the best she could. i saw her last at the hospital, saw the life drain from her eyes. good news is she confirmed Heaven is real, which is rare for a Swedish film.

Dirg: 23 different partners?
Eye: don't call her a slut!
Dirg: Lena, please don't be one of those pretty girls who thinks she's not pretty cos he has a little babyfat, those girls are annoying.

Eye: okay this is my favorite part. i love the interstitial cutting of the film with Martin Luther King Jr., it's very well done, it makes it seem Martin Luther King is really talking to Lena.
Director: he really WAS talking to me!
Martin Luther King Jr: don't ask me about the McRib again. this cracked me up, i was enjoying myself in the theatre laughing hard, i never get this up for Madea movies. you know this was youtube before youtube!

Borje: why am i the bad guy? why am i the character the audience throws tomatoes at the screen? i'm a used-car salesman like everyone else in life. aren't i handsome? don't i look like Emmanuel Macron?

Laertus: this is unrealistic, no man from the Right would be this slick with women.

Codrus: brother THIS is the type of meditating you were talking about i should try, right? it only works if you meditate naked.

Dirg: very poor message for girls, your psycho ex-boyfriend who drove for days to hunt you down at the Halloween creaky-porch creaky-shutters secret shack cabin in the woods you were hiding from him in, location not divulged, you greet him with a shotgun---that i like---but then you fuck him cos old times. is this what all the hubbub was about? when Lena blowjobs Borje's flaccid penis? is it cos the penis is flaccid?
Lena: yeah i don't get it, that's called making love in real life, not making love in porn.

Takahashi: MG, a cool car, not a lost Movie Rating.
Tyzik: and now this movie becomes a The Gods Must Be Crazy water scene.
Dirg: the lost movie rating was BG at first, Bully Guidance.
Yoda: BG, blown gasket...

Eye: i feel so bad for John Wayne Bobbitt i really do. i mean if Geraldo would've just left this man alone in peace he wouldn't have felt pressured to become a porn star, he'd be a monk now.

Eye: and now Lena does the first smash room! 
Dirg: on mushrooms, probably. destroy the evidence, there's a clever girl, always look out for the ones who carry rolodex files on their exes.
Eye: smash rooms relieve rage.

Lena: i have scabies.........scabies not rabies don't you dare call me a bitch!
Borje: at least it's not covid. what's the procedure?
Lena: we have to get hosed down at a hospital. the Civil Rights Movement just got me as a new member.
Borje: this is so boring. you know i really hate being nude THIS much in this movie, it's a little much.

Eye: you see how cool this film is? the audience starts to become seasick not knowing what's going on, where the reality of the film ends and the shooting of the movie begins, the splicing back and forth. when you're jealous are you jealous of Borje or Borje the actor in your movie? which scenes are the script and which are really happening in real time? 

Lena: the coolest thing i did was i got to interview the king. the REAL King of Sweden at the time! that was an unscripted interview!
King Of Sweden: why doesn't Sweden ever have a good soccer team? male soccer team that is. that is a failure of leadership. my leadership. g'night folks.
Lena: g'night folks.

Director: we tricked the Transportation Minister and the Russian poet for the nonfictional content telling them it was for a real documentary film. g'night folks.

Roger Ebert: THIS THING WAS A STINKER!!!.........sorry i was a young pup cub reporter at the time reviewing this my first film fresh outta college, i was still fat and plumpy and pimply with messy hair, i never imagined girls like Lena depicted in a film like this were real, not in my experience. i was jealous of the world.

Eye Luggage: yeah after many many years this film was reevaluated, it wasn't just another lax European porn. it really was an examination of a free spirit, a young woman living in modern times, negotiating her beliefs against the reality of life, her paramours, her loves, her love of socialism and social justice, it's hard being an attractive girl coming of age in the world.
Laertus: agreed. Communists need to eat, too. babe let's go back to my place and have two champagne flutes of sparkling water.

Gorton Fisherman goes to watch I Am Curious at the local stone theatre screen underground a hill but is promptly rejected. he is kicked out of the theatre and is led out in handcuffs. 
Gorton: i don't get it. why are you arresting me? I Am Curious Yellow matches with my rain slicker! no this is my work clothes, it's not a pervert's longcoat! is this because i didn't shave my beard?

Lance Lear gets out of gaol and first thing he does is go looking for Hincapie. he finds him at a Denny's Tavern parking lot with the blue lane and promptly detaches Hincapie's wheel off his handicap bike and swacks him over the head with it. luckily Hincapie is wearing his helmet.
Hincapie: why, boss?
Lance: you sold me out, stoolie?
Hincapie: never. stool, very funny.
Lance: all the birds behind the Tower blend together in my messed-up mind. see these PEDs in my head i mean my hand? they can grow you two brand new legs where your stumps are. 
Hincapie: it just seems too easy. what good is a gold medal if it's fool's gold?
Lance: you disappointed me, son. i gave you everything. i thought you were a socialist. how can a king trust his subjects if they're not socialists?
Hincapie: i don't know what you heard but i've always tried to be your friend. but now for my own safety i must leave you.

Hincapie flies away over the castle in his wheelchair bicycle which sprouts wings. later he runs for office and becomes the Kingdom's first President. his first bill sent to Congress is to make the lake wheelchair-accessible.


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