Doryce: i'd rather wear a stinky T-shirt without sleeves in the hamper than a clean long-sleeved shirt
Madame Pons: i'd rather not wear fur.
Greg LeMond: i've never taken off my yellow jersey.
Greg LeMond: i'm on to you, Lance Lear. i know all your secrets. i know you're a liar and a thief, a regular Kurt Cobain. a murderer, i know where the bodies are buried.
Lance Lear: where? i mean you're just mad cos i overtook you in fame. after my 4th Tour de France everyone forgot your name.
Greg: not everyone. just the press.
Lance: just ESPN and Robin Williams. okay then where did i bury i mean hide the bodies?
Greg: underneath my yellow jersey won by skill not drugs.
Lovato: what do we do, daddy. this guy's tough!
Hampshire: what do we do, dad? this guy means business! he's a formidable businessguy!
Floch: perhaps father once again maybe this is the reckoning for you i've been talking to you about, wrote a scroll about it out now at Waldenbooks before Waldo got lost on his chivalric journey. when Barnes was a noble. you really just need this you know?
Lance: whatever i do i don't want you girls involved. i'm still thinking, the crank fires up my synapses.
daughters: bicycle crank?
Greg: I'M GONNA GET YOU, LANCE LEAR. I KNOW WHERE YOU LIVE: THE CASTLE. I KNOW WHERE YOU PRAY: THE ORB. I'M COMIN' FOR YOU WITH RECEIPTS AND LANCES.
Lance: for the first time in my life i'm scared. and i don't know what to do. i'm out of answers. but i gotta do something.
Alex Hirsch: for the first time ever i'm doing an adult animated series. i'm scared. i don't know how to draw sex scenes. sure i've seen a lot of Gravity Falls porn in my time but that stuff was sick.
Power Rangers: i feel bad for the new cast, they grew up watching the original show with Trini dreaming one day of starring in their own season of the legendary continuum. but their season is never going to broadcast on tv, it's only streamed online.
Joan Chen: remember me? everyone forgot about me.
James A Michener: i did all the tires on all the bikes. I was the one who predicted Bump! i've always hated the Electoral College!
Melissa Dunphy: this isn't a fad, i've had naturally silver hair since birth, i was asked to join Silverchair to reboot the band.
Dirg: who is that hot blonde judge who keeps popping up on all my online ads?
Judge Judy: ...
Adele: McDonalds said i could only do an advert for them if i was Skinny Adele.
Mardith: Paris Jackson invited me to her moon ritual, i'm taking her to the Moulin Rouge in Paris which she couldn't see the first time she was there cos of security. i'm helping Paris get over her disappointment in Marilyn Manson...
Dirg: can you be shy if you're macho?
Nandi Bushell: i will be your kids' leader. i will be your kids' savior. we are determined to be NOTHING like you. we are determined to be KIND and HOPEFUL.
Elianas Apothecary: we trained Madame Pons so we can train you, too!
nap dress: it's not for sleeping...
Dirg: come on let's go! finally there's a Hollywood red-carpet premiere that's not in Hollywood! Dune is premiering right now down the dirt street in Marina where it belongs!
Laertus: more like Done. i finally realize why i never read or watched Dune, my brain was protecting me, it's Republican sci-fi.
Ryan Gosling: while you're at it can i go back to playing quarterback for the Rams?
Tove Jansson: i was born in the wrong era, i shoulda been born on the track on Mount Olympus.
Madame Pons: the newest exhibit at the Monterey Bay Aquarium is Into The Deep.
Adele: i'm skinny now so no jokes about me being a whale.
Merlin: i remember when it was the Mount of Ray Fishery, just a place for college eggheads to read scrolls and huff seeds with moat owls. later it was Mount of Rey when the French fans of Monty Python in BDSM chainmail conquered the parking lot.
Dirg: did you see that researcher from India with the sleeper tits under her olive scratchy sweater? yep, with tits like those she's got a rock on her finger...
Dirg: sorry Medicare, no old white motorcycle man with a long white Gandalf beard in black leather jacket would wear a mask to see the doctor.
Jacques Pepin: potato jacket is the only jacket i want for my green moneyless utopia PBS world. and while you're at it, old man, quit eating potato salad, it just makes your butthole itchy.
Bastian Bux: i'm not related to Daddy Warbucks. can you really be a Christian and like The Neverending Story?
Dirg: do not go to Woking Park...
your hand in mine
Fena stole that lyric from us.
Fena and Yukimaru are on the beach by the pirate ship:
Yukimaru: a better ending would have been if i had been knocked unconscious by the Sword and wake up on the beach with 100% amnesia no memories of who i am whatsoever but something in my head niggles me, urging me on to search for something, someone, at a mysterious place in a cove called Eden...
Bones Day/No Bones Day: only applies to John Hughes
Rebecca Stair: no primal heavy-metal song can soothe the pain. everyone you worked with, even Puck from Real World, is with you.
Julie Brown: valley fog disrupting the set of Earth Girls Are Easy, that's why that movie was so weird.
Kristen Bell: i get One of Us Is Lying, there were times when my husband was young i wanted to kill him. metaphorically of course.
Stephen A Smith: the ESPN Christmas party gonna be hella awkward this year when i bump into Max Kellerman at the green punch bowl.
DemerBox: i look like Trent Reznor...
Daniel Craig, redfaced: a gay James Bond? i already do that when i'm not making movies...
Halyna Hutchins: i would have been the female Steven Spielberg...
Kierkegaard: this is why i never had kids...
at The White Castle since renamed The Oval:
Olivia Rodrigo: what's with the shoehorn?
Biden: i didn't want you falling offstage like that hair-metal guy cos you got slippery shoes. i used to know a Vince but he shamwowed my sweet Jaguar-hoodornament ride. i used to have long hair when i was VP.
Olivia Rodrigo: i'm a singer not a dancer, Mr. President.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Cynthia Wood: call me Cindy. there was a prequel to Van Nuys Blvd, all of us as teens in khaki shorts at our first job at Raging Waters in San Dimas getting high off altered Coke cans on top of slides and tree branches caught in the slides.
Alice In Chains and Riki Rachtman at Action Park: we were born in the wrong era...
Eye Luggage: Bicycle Thieves and go.
Ebert: or is it The Bicycle Thief?
Siskel: shut up, Rog.
RGF: no worries, mate, we're still the Romanian gymnasts you knew and loved in the '80s. the 1680s. we're not the Russians. and we're certainly not the Huns.
Lance Lear: i don't trust you. i don't trust nobody, i'm sweating over here it's a lot of pressure to keep control over all the tracts of land i have, i lose track of my tracts.
Lucio Rossi: hello.
Pat: I'VE MISSED YOU, BEST FRIEND! my first best friend, primo amico.
Lucio: i've been slumming it inside the nave of St. Cyril of Jerusalem church in Encino, where else?
Pat: how are the old haunts? i miss my home.
Lucio: and by home you mean Jen Pizarro. i pretend the church is a pub and i drink beer in there.
Lamberto Maggiorani: you'd think i would have been the Italian Humphrey Bogart after this, but tragically this was my only real part, i'm not really an actor i'm a real person who needs work. and i never got work. i died penniless this being my only role of note.
Lianella Carell: same here. i was supposed to become the Italian Marilyn Monroe after this but niente. this was my first film role. and my last.
Sophia Loren: scuse, miele, i took all your parts.
Steve Carell: ...
Marty Scorsese: THIS is what i mean, more THIS FILM. we don't need Brad Pitt as Thor. btw my name Scorsese is so full of grandeur, i was MEANT to be a director! that name flows off the tongue as the bookmark inside an African tome in the library of the Toto video and deserves to be in lights! that name is either a director or a professor. don't make me Italian-curse you by slapping my fingers a certain way.
Dirg: this is gonna be boring, there are no special effects.
Antonio: it was that second baby on the bed, did me in, i could have supported my famiglia my wife and son but that second baby made me a thief.
Christina Ricci: that second baby was me...
Mowgli swings by looking for Tarzan.
Pat: who was that on that advertising bill? Gena Rowlands or Gina Lollobrigida?
a woman pops out of the poster. it's Jennifer Pizarro.
Jen: better talk fast, talk to me quick before it's too late, i'm disappearing before your eyes.
Pat: what's going on? are you dead? are you a ghost?
Jen: no. but in a way, yes. we're in a sidequel. anything else pressing you want to tell me before i'm gone forever?
Pat: i will be talking to you the rest of my life. and i won't receive answers to my queries from you until i become a ghost.
Curly: at least use the Three Stooges paste.
Maria: use my dowry sheets, i'll cut them up with my nails which are real metal scissors. we don't need bedsheets, we fuck naked.
Antonio: stai zitta, Maria! we can't say that in 1940!
Geoffrey the Giraffe: this bike shop looks exactly like a Toys R Us in the '80s.
Antonio: THIEF! AFTER THAT MAN ON THE BIKE! i'm giving chase in a car yet i'm not able to outrun him...
Michael Weiss eating a whole pizza: hey actors on that cramped underground clay stage, i know you're renegades and everything, but fascism is NOT the answer!...
Antonio: the serial numbers don't match. they match my prison tats but not the ones on the bike crank. hey i stole a loaf of bread to feed my kid!
drug dealer: this ain't Paris, pal!
Dirg: THERE! THERE ARE YOUR SPECIAL EFFECTS FOR THIS MOVIE! THE RAIN! the raindrops were CGI'd in...
Laertus's dad: this church was modeled after St. Cyril's.
Vittorio De Sica: we had to reshoot that church scene with everyone in the pews so many times cos everyone kept laughing cos the little boy kept calling the altar boys fig-eaters.
Montgomery Burns: sic the hounds!
Codrus: not even the chihuahua?
Cotard: you know the Roman Catholic processional here is about the same as the one in 2021, i find that comforting.
Dirg: brothels in 1940 were filled with women who were just kinda-hot and all covered up.
thief: cops? there are no police in Italy! have you seen our feral-cat problem? everything human is handled by street justice. and men in second-storey scalloped windows that open out like Beauty and the Beast.
mob: GET OUT OF OUR NEIGHBORHOOD! WE VOTED FOR BERNIE HERE! YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT US!
Antonio: let's have a meal here at the trattoria, son. and pretend we don't exist.
Bruno: i have a tough-guy's name even tho i'm a boy.
Antonio: got any money?
Bruno: no i haven't sold any shoes to Olivia Rodrigo. i'll ask this annoying rich kid at the table next to me, he's the Doug to my Stewie. by rich i mean middle-class.
Lance: i won the very first Tour de France here in Italy cos back then nobody knew how to ride a bike on a soccer field's grass, only i knew about grass.
Antonio: you stay distracted watching the soccer match while i steal this bike.
Bruno: i'm not watching this game, it's boring, there's no Messi. the Hand of Fuerza was cool tho, cos the hand was so dainty and delicate.
Laertus: POWERFUL moment here. this is what everyone keeps talking about. the look on Antonio's face is well-acted, his fear, abject fear of turning into a monster, knowing he's gonna become the thing he most despises, cos he has no choice. he's gonna steal a bike, too. his indecision, pacing back and forth, weighing the morals of it in his head, not knowing what to do, hedging and wondering if he has an out, masterful.
Eye: perfect, honey.
Eye Luggage: POWERFUL moment here, THIS is the scene! the boy crying as the authorities try to take his father away from him, he holds onto papa's hand for dear life! he doesn't utter any dialogue, the boy's tears of fright say it all. but if i was scripting this i would have had the boy say:
boy: i don't care what they say, papa! i will never stop loving you. let the world call you a thief, i know you did it for me. you're not a ladro who hid in the laundry truck. YOU DID IT FOR ME AND I LOVE YOU!!! let's run, papa, let's run away to mama!!! run away and escape this cruel world!!!
but instead they slow-walk it in a breadline at the end for dramatic effect.
Laertus: perfect, honey.
lead singer of Hum: now THAT's a your hand in mine. g'night folks. time for me to hit the buffet, as you can see i eat a lot.
Lucio: Enzo Staiola the boy Bruno was modeled after me, my demonstrative mannerisms when i was at St. Cyril's, i was a precocious kid, math was my best subject. g'night folks.
Enzo: i never found other work either.........i became a real-life bicycle messenger.
Gorton Fisherman looks around the planky pier then bumrushes it to the other corner to steal a bike tied to a post with a chain-link mooring. he gets a few feet but the pier is wet from surf and he slips on his boots.
Kyle: pop you don't have to steal for me.
Gorton: oh son, i thought i could strip this bike for parts and reassemble it to form you.
Kyle: i know but that wouldn't be me, pop, that'd be a Jetsons maid robot. sometimes you just have to feel your feelings, be frisky like a scared cat.
Kyle hugs his dad scratching his old sailor white beard now grey then gray. this act of affection nut-taps Gorton's heart.
Lance Lear: i know what i must do.........
Greg LeMond is in a hospital bed weak from fluids and beeps.
Greg: what did you do to me?
Lance: had to, you were my greatest adversary. my greatest roadblock. you know those 3 Taco Bell tacos you ate to commemorate your 3 Tours de France won fairly?
Greg: yeah. they were delicious. i was so proud of that contract, because of me there's a Tour de Mexico now.
Lance: i replaced the Doritos Locos Tacos with a blue shell.
Greg: but Doritos have NEVER had a blue-corn chip. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Lance: that's not the blue pill you were wanting, that's bleach.
Greg's face starts sweating out Mexican spices and he is near-death. he holds hands tenderly with Lance's fists as Lance leans in to his bedside for Greg to whisper something in Lance's ear:
Greg: see you in hell, buddy.