Friday, October 22, 2021




* hope, it's all we've got

* i love that Maya wears high heels

* Abel: i don't know where i am right now. but don't believe the rumors about Damien Darkblood, he's a nice guy just doing his job...

* Domino's: it's the same stale pizza. but you can dip it in apple sauce now!

* Taco Bell
teen girl: that kiss was nice. but i'm a girl who's a slave to the Mexican spices. i choose Taco Bell over you.
teen boy: my school doesn't allow me to have long hair anymore. since when does a buoy out to sea BONG the Taco Bell BONG? a buoy doesn't make that sound.
teen girl: you'll get over me. you'll move on to something else to hate.
teen boy: you're right, the first time i saw this commercial was that Legends of the Hidden Temple reboot...

* Pizza Hut
Craig Robinson: i'm a pineapple guy now? i'm a pineapple guy now!
woman chef: don't get any ideas, the only cum i know the taste of is my husband's.

* Barry White: if i had eaten more Applebee's steaks in my life i'd be alive today.

* Safelite: we fixed your window, give us the apple.
couple: nah, tis a ginger gold apple only suitable for Darken Rahl's tastebuds.

* Billie Eilish: i won't ruin Star Wars like Rey did...

* Microsoft
Takahashi: oh man this smarts. now i don't have an excuse. i can't just say i'm a lousy pro gamer cos it always glitches when i play.

* conspiracy theorist: see? the Earth is not made of cheese, it's made of tennis ball.
Dirg: right?
conspiracy theorist: i want you to sleep overnight in that sleeping bag tent precariously hanging by a thread over the edge of a cliff. aren't the 4D renders of what is supposedly outside breathtaking! the scenery is well-done. i want to see if sugar-water will keep the pup tent stuck to the rockface.    
Dirg: views.

* granddaughter: grandma i got you these scalloped glasses!
grandma: so this is my reward for surviving 3 World Wars? what do you do with your life, granddaughter?
granddaughter: not much. 
grandma: let me tell you about the time i slow-cruised down Van Nuys Blvd in the late '70s... 

* Antonelli's Cheese Shop
wife: hi i run Antonelli's Cheese with my husband. service with a smile. except Jerry, we do not let that vile mouse near our confines. we had a threeway with Tom after a double-bass serenade and some non-paired wine.
husband: if you want to work for us and you're a woman you must be tatted...

* Toyota
parents: before our children turn into furries.

* Kate McKinnon: don't tell Lorne but i like doing these Verizon spots better than SNL. no pressure, nice and chill.
Lorne Michaels: that's okay, when we need a Rudy Giuliani we just have James Austin Johnson impersonate you impersonating Rudy. 
James Austin Johnson: when i had a young face i was trying to be Joe Pera. but i'm bigger than Joe Pera now. both physically and starwise. i've moved on from Christian comedy, i don't need Jesus anymore i got MONEY!!!!!! Sam Seder is a poor man's Marc Maron...

* Baker Mayfield's wife: this marriage ain't gonna last if you keep doing these commercials. why did you put hot nacho cheese in the kids' Halloween bags!
Baker Mayfield: sorry i thought the nacho-cheese was cold, it's cheaper than slime. 
wife: you're not gonna get away with this when the older kids start coming around at midnight in their Squid Game gear.

* Geico gecko: i don't need a nude beach to party, The Riddler was based off me, same green, i'm down for whatever, animals are born naked and born atheists...

* groom: dad, tell me how to tie a bow-tie.
dad: watch this youtube video from a stranger.
groom: it's not the same.
dad: i thought you liked Joe Pera.
musician: this Samsung's directions made me miss my gig, Samsung is responsible for Infinity Train ending the way it did.
boy: will you go to the prom with me?
deaf girl: it's just a dance, baby steps. proms are too much pressure, i'd rather dance on a pier and eat syrupy ice.
boy: we can go down to the New Jersey Beach Boardwalk! everyone's ugly down there!
lead singer of Imagine Dragons: want to know how to know if she's the one? divorce her.........then look into her eyes as you're signing the divorce papers...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Wendy's for HOT FRIES!!! never cold, never soggy, always hot, always crispy.........unless it rains

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