Diana Taurasi: so what? that's cool on my part. i broke down a door cos i was mad we lost. that's a character asset. not my assets. would you rather i not give a shit and take my money and go home? i've been breaking down doors since jump. there weren't a lot of girls who looked like me growing up. or were me on the polished wood. Van Nuys is the porn capital of the world. Taurus is a good car.
Madame Pons: The Scented Market, it's not worth it. who wants a soap that smells like grandma? go to LUSH instead where our doors are made with only the finest rosewood that smells so good you'll forget you're so angry you take it out on a rose.
Robin Williams is looking forlorn. more than usual. his puppy-dog eyes betray a cat's sour demeanor. he hangdogs it barely moving his munchkin body along the cobbles of Hollywood Blvd. past the kiosks selling keys to the stars' homes, the Mexican vendors of exotic horned fruit who will always be more savvy than their American corporateparts, the one thin tree in a cylinder cage, and that one moment to spot the sidewalk rainswept for one hour.
Robin Williams: i am sad. this is different, i'm over the Popeye thing. i don't know how much longer i can go on. i can't take it anymore. i'm so fucking tired. Marc Maron really fucked with my head.
Lovato: what's wrong, Robin? want me to take you back to Nanu? they know me over there.
Robin: the name of the planet is Orson.
Hampshire: what's wrong, Robin? i got a lot of celebrities i can call.
Robin: but they're not superheroes.
Floch: want me to drive you somewhere, Mr. Robin? i've been told i'm a good chauffeur.
Robin: i'm not into cars. i like to walk places, on grass like Link, but there's no grass in Los Angeles.
Lance Lear: what's wrong, Robin?
Robin: i don't want to see you, you make me sad.
Roger Ebert: i need that Roc facial cream, i want to look plumper.
Laertus to Dirg: when YOU take a mental health break, I take a mental health break cos that means less work for me.
Andy Roddick: you're getting pretty good in that announcer chair.
Genie Bouchard: thank you but i don't want to get TOO good here.
Andy Roddick: oh honey that ship has sailed, that dream is dead, take it from me, your playing days are O-V-A OVER.
Genie Bouchard: wanna jazz at a secret nightclub that's under a Vancouver waterfall? let's both promise not to tell our spouses, both of them are on ice at the moment.
Andy: only if we both eat the same amount of cum with our steak.
Genie: i got the two vases right here. fucking in Canada is done with hoses. i promise if you promise, you know what to do.
at dinner Andy fans his napkin from the silver ring, dabs both corners of his mouth, dips the napkin in a saucer of hot maple syrup, dabs both corners of his lips, and pinkie-swears through the strings of Genie's rosewood racquet.
Jordan Larson: did you really have to get my bad side, Wikipedia? the pic of me with my armpit hair?
Ventura Blvd: sure Van Nuys Blvd is great, but have you ever been to the last concrete corner on the intersection? do YOU have Ameci pizza? no pineapple here only spoota. the only pizza in the world that comes to you whole and heart-shaped.
The Lodge at Pebble Beach: when the Queen of England's hunting lodge burns down under mysterious circumstances...
John Waters: Steve Buscemi is my long lost brother. mom didn't like what Steve was doing and disowned him, he became a wayward hitchhiker. to rebel Steve Buscemi became an actor instead of a director...
The Premise: we're the REAL modern-day Twilight Zone.
Pebble Beach Market: we look like a monastery.
Codrus: thanks for ruining it.
Cotard: the mascot of Obec High School is a giant Friar Tuck with a tonsure who takes out the trash.
Codrus: yeah but in a wheelie bin.
Cotard poring over scrolls for his job at Wikipedia: when in doubt, the word means "river"...
Dresdner: cooler than Dresdener
Mlem and Blep: we have GOT to do something about that cobblestone in front of the Petco at Del Monte Centre. we roll our cart on that cobblestone outside and it makes such a racket, hurts the ears of our poor fellow animals inside just trying to have a groom and a bubble bath not caring about two big jugs of kitty litter.
Eye Luggage: Spirit Halloween is simply THE place for kids to go, where ALL the kids party, goth and non-goth alike.
Mardith: One of Us Is Lying, the blonde is the killer, her first words when dude dies were
i thought it was an accident
how did she know it was an accident?
Dirg: don't be hatin on her just cos she's blonde.
Sharon Stone to Jonah Hill: hey, at least people aren't talking about your minge. for the next 30 years.
Codrus: GIVE THE MAN LAST RITES!!!!!!!!!! i mean what's the point of being Catholic your whole life then?
Kent boy > rentboy
James Austin Johnson: i have a little band called Hum, it's just a sideproject.
Paul McCartney: okay, i'll do a blues cover with your band. how about "Brown Sugar"?
Mick Jagger: um, nevermind.
Kurt Cobain: ...
Gladyce: for years i thought getting a bigger pan would be better. but actually the tiniest circumference of the circle cooks the hash browns better. smaller circle cooks more evenly.
Doryce: same is true of friends.
Rami Malek: i'd be a better Eddie Munster than you.
Rob Zombie slaps his forehead.
Ben Stiller: not now, Rami man, i'm still in mourning.
Rami: this isn't the Clinton Administration anymore, man, you gotta move on.
Ben: you're a malign influence on me and the world. you made James Bond quit. you look weird when you act, you shut your mouth back into place after every line said like a Chuck E Cheese robot.
Dirg: Net Zero is an Illuminati circle.
Laertus: no it's just a triangle.
Dirg: if you're in a girl's Instagram Stories EVERY SINGLE DAY, is that caring or stalking?
Jodie Whittaker: female James Bond? we already did that over here.
Gal Gadot: it's pronounced Gal Gadeaux.
London Shard: we're better than those French Kingdom pinots.
the pirate ship temporarily transforms into the jalopy from Beverly Hillbillies:
Jennifer Pizarro: think about it, my dear Patrick, as i caress your face in a temporal sphere, i mean who are the women you normally go for? your entire life they've all been taken or those who lived so far overseas there was no chance of you ever being with them.
Pat: have they?
Jen: take me for example.
Pat: OH MY GOD YOU'RE RIGHT! i'm only realizing this NOW. i was trying to get with YOU but you had a boyfriend the whole time! there's something about those that are spoken for, they're actual proven quality people cos other people saw the same thing in them as i do that's why they went for and bagged them.
Jen: not all attractive people get got. YOU are the prime example.
Pat: the only just reward you could ever receive for continuing to live would be for you to find your soul mate.
John Hughes, Peter Griffin, Fena, Abel, Moe, and Maya do a drag race on the water in their respective hearses and paddlecars:
the ghost of John Hughes: i wasn't saying that Peter should NEVER live by the '80s code. just realize that we were having fun back then. i mean drilling a hole in a girls' bathroom is pure fantasy. i never met one woman or black my entire life.
Peter Griffin: i ate one Uncle Buck pancake.
Fena: i forgive my mom, first love is more important than your own children.
Abel: am i the first bad guy to ever get a happy ending? you'll never know. and i'll never know, was meeting Helena again after so many years a hallucination in my head? that fire i burned up in looked a little more Hell than Heaven...
Moe: my relationship with Maya is the most beautiful thing in television history, it brings tears to my eyes, to reconnect after so many years, we found each other again, that is pure love. it only took 30 years for me to find happiness, some depressed bartenders don't have it so lucky, they don't have animators keeping them alive, they would have killed themselves long ago...
Maya: i'm a little person cos my soul body takes up my big heart that's so big it's as big as the sun which is getting bigger due to climate change.
Eye Luggage: Van Nuys Blvd and go.
Cynthia Wood: TWO WORDS: Cynthia Wood. ONE WORD: me.
Dirg: alright alright alright now i LOVE this movie...
Laertus's dad: OH NO YOU DON'T!!! you aren't gonna turn this into a dialectic on how Van Nuys was better when it was all white and we didn't let in any illegal Mexican immigrants.
Dirg: it's true tho, there was less crime, the streets were clean, the beaches were open you could still surf...
Laertus's dad: mow my lawn, young man. grow my oranges.
Dirg: pass.
Melbourne slaps some Laertus's dad skin.
Laertus's dad: this is going to be a discussion about MY NOSTALGIA! Van Nuys the town of my youth, born and raised in the '80s, blest glory be.
Cynthia Wood: i'm the star of this cos i will enter your heart the minute you lay eyes on me, men women and The Man. you will fall in love with me cos my face is insane, my body is impossible, my jeans are impeccable, PLUS i'm the nicest most polite woman you'll ever come across, not a rude bone in my clay body. after all the nudity i'm just another hometown girl searching for love.
Dirg: Playboy or Penthouse?, i forgot.
Cynthia Wood: *makes the eeww face* oh, well you're definitely NOT my Prince Charming. Playboy, it makes a HUGE difference later on in careers.
Dirg: man i miss these Crown B-movies, they don't make em like this no more cos they can't. you should appreciate this, Laertus, being the movie guy and all.
Laertus: you know what Dirg, you're right, i DO appreciate the art form here. this is as indie as indie gets. this is basically porn but one step up cos there's an actual plotline, tho the plot doesn't go anywhere. it's not just a scene setup.
Laertus's dad: you watch a lot of porn, son?
Laertus: pass. if i do it's for research purposes only. i get it, i get the appeal. this is what any schlub with a handheld camera and a reel of film dreams. that he can make a movie with bubblegum and scotch tape, with no budget. about nothing. but filmed along a beach so there are no bad days.
Eye Luggage: and somehow snag ridiculously beautiful women to do it.
Dirg: amateurs, that's the key. they gotta be amateur, first year in the biz just coming up, both meanings.
Tyzik: this is historic tho, these real-life Wacky Races times only lasted for like three years.
Dirg: yeah see?, the space to clear the strip to drag race, until opening the borders meant closing other avenues. other avenues of fun.
Laertus's dad: i was just born as these hunks and babes were in the primes of their lives so i missed out on this whole scene. would've loved to experience a slow cruise.
Dirg: you're rubbing off on me sir, my weird hatred and fear of cars, it's the slow ride, cars are meant to go fast. i need to go on a cruise, a REAL cruise.
Bobby: before anyone says, yes my idol is Jack Tripper.
Eye: i mean look at the gawjuss naked woman in your bed right now in your little nothing small town, Bobby. why would you want to leave THAT?! do you really think you'll get better-looking pussy than HER?
Bobby: it's true. what was i thinking? it was a huge risk, a big gamble.
Michael Weiss naked with one-hair chest and gold chain: btw, the great mystery of this film is WHERE exactly is your podunk town, Bobby? what city do you come FROM to go to Van Nuys?
Rubikon: it'd be better if it were a Dakota than if it were Central California...
Jack Tripper: the answer is Dune.
Bobby: the central tenet remains, however, that a man needs to leave his small town to go to the city to GROW in all 17 facets.
Dirg: no, Bobby, rethink rethink, you have everything you need living in the dusty gas station.
Laertus's dad: where was THIS Van Nuys when i was growing up? i don't remember the naked hippies in the back of the van streaked with psychedelic paint thrusting inbetween sips of Mountain Dew and bites of In N Out burger.
Takahashi: my dad told me about these times and these places...
Tara Strohmeier: remember me? i'm that cute chick with the lips who was in that movie all you dudebros should watch in film class if you want to learn about perfecting claymation and other obscure animation styles.
The Colonel: KFC never got a dime of royalties from your movie which is why i died early.
Laertus's dad: where do you go in Van Nuys to meet these naked women? i was just a kid back then, immune to the dirty side of life, happily in innocent bliss at a Chuck E Cheese.
Dirg: it would be changed to an Jack In The Box now cos of In N Out's stance on the vaccine mandate.
William Sachs: the scene destroying the two classic cars was stupid, they were so durable they couldn't be crushed and flattened with lead pipes. we had to call in Michael Jackson to finish the job.
Dirg: American-made. the war with Japan over cars was just heating up here.
Dirg: nice sex scene with the Prince Harry ginger. tho at first i thought that woman was Caitlyn Jenner in some nice high laced boots. gotta love the fantasy fresco art on the wall.
Laertus: it's Dungeons & Dragons for adults, complete with a rainbow tornado.
Eye: this party scene in the Valley is like a college frat party but with adults. adult-age not college-age.
Dirg: let this be a lesson to all of us: in life we meet our best friends in jail.
Laertus's dad: OH YEAH! MAGIC MOUNTAIN!!! it was Five Flags back then. this was back when Magic Mountain WAS IN VAN NUYS!!!
Mardith: they missed an opportunity, the group should have had a sex scene while they were aboard the rollercoaster. cumming right as they loop.
Madame Pons: now that's an orgy.
Camille: i'm holy but you're not throwing up in my mouth.
Cynthia Wood: this dancing i'm teaching you may cause you to have an epileptic seizure.
Bobby: the strobe is strong. i can't take this lighting.
Cynthia: this reminds me of the warning before every episode when i worked in anime.
Raven: OH YEAH! DISCO ROLLER DERBY!!! like we did. boogeying in flared Jordache bluejean bellbottoms and Knicks caps without feeling embarrassed!!
Starfire: it's easier for girls to get on to get along than boys, when it comes to good guys vs. bad guys.
Zass: i'm a cop who lives with his mother. don't emulate me, i'm not supposed to be THAT funny, even tho i'm a good actor. do all cops use their handcuffs for sex? dogs don't like me that's a sign.
Easy Rider: you are The Man, that's not a compliment.
Rubikon: okay that was funny when Greg accidentally fucked his girl's mom, i gotta admit, i can't hate on this movie wholly, not totally not yet '80s.
Jen Pizzaro: fucking on a boat, the only way to fuck.
Cynthia Wood: as you suck on and lick and then touch my perfectly-sized breasts as i orgasm i'll sing to you the theme song to Golgo 13 while being naked with nothing on but a headband.
Takahashi: now THAT gets me hot. on top of the general nakedness.
Laertus's dad: OH YEAH! MAGIC CASTLE!!! SHERMAN OAKS!
Takahashi: the arcade cabinets sure but the race cars tho! Automotive Autopia! roadster righteousness. those were sweet, ANYONE in the '70s could ride one of those F1s.
Rubikon: and be Lewis Hamilton and have his character which was something in the '70s.
Laertus's dad: i was born too late, the spaghetti track of asphalt was already being deconstructed.
Greg: i got lockjaw. a strange Greek man who said he was Italian offered me purple onions cos he said they were bitter like all men. i can't pronounce my condition. at this point in the movie everyone is having giggle fits and corpsing like crazy.
Borat: HEY IT'S ME BORAT!!! BORAT IS ME!!! way back here in 1979!
Chooch: i'm the only one with the pornstache so i'm the leader.
Laertus: oh Chooch, you pretend you don't like each other but you're a perfect group of 6 who match perfectly. you're a big softie, Chooch, don't chew gum into your pornstache. hey this is the scene i was talking to you about, the air-hockey scene. i've dreamt of filming this scene all my life, i've written it in my head since i was 6. in my head two people play air hockey at night and existentialize:
Wanda: why do they call you Chooch?
Chooch: cos i like trains which is perfect for this little unknown movie.
cat familiars: pig scene. not the cops, real-life U.S. Acres.
Dirg: see? the drag race at the end, you could only have all that empty space if the Border is closed. really convenient that there are no other vans anywhere in the vicinity of this concrete-jungle highway spaghetti system.
Eye Luggage: of COURSE you give up and crash and crush your van for the girl. this woman is Cynthia Fucking Wood! she's kind and sweet and will hug you warmly.
Madame Pons: unlike a stick-shift.
Cynthia Wood: it would have been funny if we just left Bobby there alone at the end of Van Nuys Blvd. no, we circle back cos love always wins. love is sweet like that.
Bobby: i would have had to take the incline and go up to Santa Monica Blvd. and visit Jack Tripper. g'night, folks.
Laertus's dad: what my life could have been if Cynthia Wood woulda been my girl. my experience in Van Nuys would have been COMPLETELY different. the two of us would have rented a yellow Rice-a-Roni shag carpet to go with the orange linoleum well into the '80s. and got a tiny dog on a leash! i'd STILL have a unicorn van now! i'd still be shopping at Ralphs with my beads!
Cynthia Wood: there's still time. for all of it. all your dreams. g'night folks. dream of me.
Laertus: dad can you help me film my air-hockey scene?
Laertus's dad: sure. if the actors in it are me and Cynthia Wood. vanploitation in Van Nuys, ain't nuttin' like it, son. g'night folks.
Dirg: oh if i had a time machine and could go back to the days when girls flashed their boobs to strangers on the road without a second thought to get their attention. that was actually their go-to to get cars and hitchhikers to slow down, as accepted as the thumb. g'night folks.
Patrick Mahomes: we need the Glitter Girls now, our team sucks. g'night folks.
Fuerza: remember, the final scene, the drag-strip lane parade procession. the building that stands out is the Van Nuys Public Library. don't skimp your studies, my children. g'night folks.
Gorton Fisherman tries to enter the theatre again.
Gorton: why are you arresting me THIS time? this isn't a grainy porn it's an arthouse! think Italian Neo-New Wave. think Jack Tripper's id. think the New Jersey Beach Boardwalk but with attractive bodies.
cop: i'm arresting you cos you brought a drink into the theatre. not allowed. an RC Cola.
Gorton: wait Zalman King you're a cop?!!!
Robin Williams: i stood up for you. i vouched for you. i went on Larry King Live and lied for you. i thought you were the best. i thought you were Superman. but you're just another druggie.
Lance Lear: hey i never took any drug under a bridge downtown, i respect Kurt Cobain too much for that.
Robin Williams: it's too much, first you then Christopher Reeve. Christopher Reeve once raced up a flight of 100 stories of stairs to save me from jumping off a building. he still had the oil in his hair.
Lance: i'm sorry, my friend, but gaylords can't be drummers.
Robin: i don't have a partner i'm not British anymore. my blood has been invaded by a man named Lewis. i forgot about my love: Zelda. i gave my life away for my friends. where i stay? not in my brain. in my head.
and with that, Robin Williams turns his back to Lance Lear. Robin walks slowly down an empty Hollywood Blvd conveniently without any other people at night, the red leaves kissing him windy. and he is never heard from again.
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