Monday, October 4, 2021



remember friends, Blogspot will never let you down, wink wink...

oh i love having my laptop back!!! the broken hinge rolls smoothly like I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. see i'm a man who's never been interested in cars so this is the closest thing to having my car in the shop...

my computer doesn't look like a Heathcliff junkheap anymore. bless the cats. of course the battery's still dead but let's not Transformers this one fleeting moment of captured joy shall we?

my neighbors are all outside milling about their properties in fuzzy robes pink showercaps unread newspapers under their arms Playboy slippers cat on their head and holding their coffee mug which reads #1 Planet Is Uranus. SEE? facebook IS a utility!!!

1. i'm so jealous i wish i was___

David Crosby, he gets to sail with Zuckerberg, Sheryl, and Not Michael Cera while the Twitter guy is the only one who has the right beard for seafaring. i just want to open up a LUSH in Canada. there's LUSH in Canada, right? a shoppe filled 24/7 with the scent of heavy potpourri not pickling. i've reformed, i no longer have the Riddler urges, now i want to use wordplay for good, i want to be a teacher. after i star in one more porn involving faeries and ice nymphs in harsh lighting that can only be filmed in Canada.

2. when would you seek help from a sex therapist?

my therapist says no sex for me until i figure out my regular-therapist issues. she says only a healthy person can have sex. we have a child together.

3. how do you break up with a friend?

this is the saddest thing you can ever do as a human. to a human. the hardest thing. but it must be done. especially if you're the source of the toxicity, you're the firehose of rancid water. i've been on both sides:

Rose: back in St. Olaf...
me: Rose, St. Olaf is not a real place, it's like Eden in Fena. you're suffering from dementia cos you didn't learn a second language.
Rose: but i speak fluent Olafese!

Dorothy: i slept with Stan again. he's my ex but he's comfortable. the bed doesn't wobble when we do it. we have to keep fucking for the children.
Stan: i invented the Spornie, a device that opens baked potatoes.
Dorothy: all you gotta do is squeeze it.
Stan: i'm sorry about the way we ended. but that flight attendant was so enticing. and young. her peanuts were so juicy.
me: this is why i don't fly. y'all never watched or were in Airplane!

Blanche: there's levels to this. i come from specific Southern-style generational wealth.
me: i'm scared when i'm alone with you. you were my confidante not my Confederate, why'd you sell me out to Instagram?
Blanche: isn't Instagram just a place to find like-minded thirsty men? 

Sophia: i escaped an arranged marriage into the Mob when i was 11, nothing in this life can faze me. i don't make the Sign of the Cross with my rosary when i'm in a Roman church, i yell HAPKA! when i see 11:11 on our cheesecake clock in the kitchen. 

4. give us a tip to turn a bad day around:

become an electrician

BONUS: do you feel drowned by social media?

perfect question for today...


Bathwater said...

How do I break up with a friend? I just ghost them.

the late phoenix said...

bath: i don't ghost, i've been on the other end of a ghosting and the pain lingers like a knife, it has never left me, it messies my mind, IcyHot doesn't help. i try to talk it out. of course sometimes it APPEARS like a ghosting when the two of us haven't talked in two months but that's just cos we're busy

Smu Doodle said...

You live in the same neighborhood as me. My mailbox has Heinous of Uranus etched in kryptonite green on it. But I never wear the robe outside.

the late phoenix said...

smu: well at least Doomsday won't visit your neighborhood as long as that mailbox stays on its pole. i like wearing a pink robe and pink fuzzy bunny slippers outside to look like D'arcy from that one Smashing Pumpkins video