Friday, October 8, 2021




* Doryce: oh i love trash day when all 4 of the Treehouse's trash bins and recycle bins get emptied! the sight of empty wheelie carts gets me horny. 
Gladyce: dear do we still not have the black recycle bin on our person?
Doryce: no, dear. but i saw a BROWN one at our neighbor's! the brown one is cute too!

* Grace Jones: see my video for "Pull Up To The Bumper"? what does this evoke in you?
Phoenix: evoke, invoke, it's a very nuanced difference.
Grace: the David Letterman bridge. Night Court. that SNL building that talls all the way up...
Phoenix: i only see the SNL building during Christmastime with the ice rink, i have no idea what it looks like during summer.

* Herbie Hancock: "Rockit", what do you see?
Phoenix: the Declaration of Independence from mainstream music, the birth of electronica.
Herbie: see that one mannequin with the hair? yea that's supposed to be Weird Al. 
Phoenix: and the naked Ken dolls with wings?
Billy Corgan: "Disarm" much?
Herbie: i worked on the set of Evangelion for one day. later i came up with the idea for Titans...

* Messi: i went into a Target looking to get my old team back. it wasn't my fault! i lost the love of my life not through death but through divorce!
Target: sir we don't want any trouble, male karens are not allowed here.

* vampire: i got a heart attack from eating too much KitKat chocolate. too much sugar in my blood.

* Lowe's
ginger girl: i'm home from college, fam! meet my new boyfriend Aaron Rodgers!
dad with shotgun: you went fishing with my pride-and-joy?
Aaron: i don't like her holding up this tiny fish, it mocks me, it reminds me that i'm a short man.
dad shoots

* 2022 Lincoln Avatar
Boc: the man behind the fence lied to me! even the flat hose made of silver got a kink! SHOW YOUR FACE, FENCE MAN!!!
Matthew McConaughey: what's my stance on abortion? look, you don't want to filter all your stress into me, then i won't have that soothing voice, i'll have a crazy voice, i'll sound like Jon Gruden, that stuff flies in Texas but nowhere else.

* man gets down on one knee at restaurant
woman: is this a steak restaurant? the Italian dressing is plain not House.
man: were your tits always this big or is your airy cream dress caved in?
woman: i thought you meant commitment as in marriage. don't you want someone to rub your toes the rest of your life?
man: we're getting a new phone!
woman: my husband and i really appreciate all you've done for us.
man: who's your husband?
woman: the waiter.

Serena Williams: see my opponent across the net? it's who i've usually played throughout my career, some skinny nondescript blonde Russian girl.
the chair umpire gets down from his chair. he takes off his Jason mask and it's.........Carlos Ramos
Serena: scary.

* Phoenix: Hollywood in your pocket?!!! okay so if i get the new iPhone 13 Pro i get to be Quentin Tarantino?! i don't want to be Quentin Tarantino i want to be Noah Baumbach!!!
Phoenix: i got the phone but i still don't got one actor who's willing to do my movie...... 

* Lily from AT&T: I AM BIG BROTHER. er, Big Sister.
masses: i mean she's a pretty hot dictator.
black woman in cafe: that's the one with the amazing camera, like a movie. can we PLEASE get the Lab Rats reboot rolling i'm about to be evicted!
girlfriend: that's inhumane to keep a lizard on a leash.
boyfriend: i thought that's what people who live in desert houses in Arizona did!
Picasso's grandnephew: this is a chair. you can't sit on this chair. this chair is a masterpiece. you can only sit on it when the glue dries.
Gorilla Glue: sit on it, art fag. better leave him, lady.
Peyton Manning: why is my Colts jersey hung up at that bar?
Lily: as a reminder. i lost my family fortune betting on your draft night and will have to do these stupid commercials the rest of my doomed life.
Lily: everyone except Jacob Pierson. 
Jacob Pierson: why me?
Lily: you were the one who couldn't control himself and now i stand behind a counter in my commercials.

* Phoenix: of course the cruise commercial can't be seen. i only need a cruise in the worst way.

* No Time To Die
James Bond: this was supposed to come out April 2020, take a moment to think about that.........think about a world where there was no pandemic and Hillary won...

* Kate McKinnon's sister: a death doula from Florida? btw where the hell were you last SNL episode?
Kate: Aidy's out there finally making it safe for fat girls to boogie in jeans. but who am i to girls?

* Roku
Medieval timeser at Stonehenge: whoa! what is that?!!! 
peasant: a wheel. i invented it last night. how much you think these chickens are worth?
monk: bifocal glasses?!!!
Codrus: yes but the only thing you can read is the boring Bible! hahahahahahahaha
powdered wig: this extinguisher will put out external fires. but not the burning flames of desire i have in my heart for that Bridgerton bitch.
paperclip: trying to bring people together...
man with handlebar mustache: sad this got invented, i'm now the first squeegee man.
boombox: remember, a black man invented all music.

* Geico Gecko: does a gecko have chestnuts? does a gecko have balls?

* Phoenix: what kind of animal are you, Animal?
Animal: ask Jim Henson.
Phoenix: i'm a bird, what are you?
Animal: i'm a drummer, i have no soul.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: BRISKET!!! Brisket Bowl at Chipotle!!! just wish you could stuff the brisket into a burrito


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