Jacques Pepin: you know how i got all the women despite being perceived as gay? the way i say the word honey...
Jacques Pepin and his wife.
Jacques: watch this. honey, your goose is cooked!
wife: shut up, frog, i know you like to call the goose you cook in the oven she and her.
Lorne Michaels: look, i can't do this anymore. we got our lowest ratings EVER last week. i mean keep doing it till we reach Year 50 but then i'm gonna blow. SNL has to end SOMEDAY...
Mardith: the art of seduction is a slippery slope.
Dirg: tell me about it. you getting piles and piles of holiday catalogs? i hate these things, i can't afford any of this stuff!
Mardith: i do like the vibrator painted like a real penis. i don't use plastic sticks anymore, i go out into the woods and find a divining rod like a good novice witch.
Dirg: i thought i was buying a vibrator but turns out it was a portable urinal.
Betsy Andreu struts her stuff in a long flowing sparkle gown of blue diamonds down the gilded hallway of the castle. all the women and men are aghast and starstruck at her beauty despite not knowing who she is and what she does.
Lovato: she's the type of hot bitch that you don't care if she betrays you on satellite later.
Hampshire: you know she's good with a lacrosse ball.
Floch: she could turn a girl straight, as in the true sex for a woman, lesbian. but i don't think Papa would like that in me.
Lance Lear: i wanna fuck her.........i mean make her the queen.........i mean the wife.
Betsy: this is gonna be the greatest Teacher's Day of all time. is my raven hair long enough?
daughters: fuck yeah. your hair's longer than your ballgown train, that's when you know you've made it.
Betsy: i don't want to appear too sexy in case Cinderella shows up in her glamourpuss.
Mlem and Blep: we cats are Cinderella's style team, it's all us performing the magic.
Betsy: let me tell you right now, i have no qualms. i will sell your pillow-talk secrets to Anderson Cooper cos Anderson Cooper is prettier than anyone here. i'm in it to make a name for myself in the bike game. no longer will i be referred to as a bike.
SimpliSafe: we used the footage from Lady Gaga's dogsitter's assault...
Lillian Sholes: i'm a beach bum. think of me more as Gutenberg.
Madame Pons: SO many plastic wrappers of unused plastic knife-and-forks...
Jim Cantore on his bicycle: so i've been given the assignment to bicycle around Rome wondering if the next election will finally pick up the trash. it's a tough assignment, i had to bicycle around Palma High School left in ash after lava blanketed the roof.
Jimmy Arias: i'm trying to be Vitas Gerulaitis but it's not working.
Takahashi: you get by one more day on the tiniest of threads. like because of strawberry jam at McDonalds.
crones: for us it's the Witches Brew at Starbucks.
Quibi: we got shut down and the channel went under and out of business cos we remade Legends of the Hidden Temple with porn.
Olmec: have you seen my face in the new CW reboot? I LOOK LIKE MY FATHER!!
Kirk Fogg: premieres 10/10, a lucky number.
Doogie Howser: why didn't you stand up?
Mayim Bialik: my nine-inch heel got caught on my black leather dress. besides, you sang the Rent numbers wrong, any neuroscientist would have caught that.
John Mulaney: parasocial relationships work. that's not a joke. that's a fact.
Rick Astley: so do i get "Smells Like Teen Spirit" royalties?
Dave Grohl: you make WAY more off your internet meme than our little song! every time that meme plays anywhere in the world you pocket $1000.
Dirg: why do all art chicks have that soft breathy voice like they're choking on their helium laryngitis?
Posey Tyler from Mission Hill: ...
Mardith: i'm playing wench at Ren Faire this weekend.
Dirg: you can't get that part unless you got the tits.
Mardith: and you can hold three mugs of frothy beer with one pinkie finger.
Lance Lear: ah, i remember my first ren faire.........it was actually the very first ren faire around the flat globe.........in the 1600s sometime...
Doryce: why does the butter in the tub or in the churn have brown spots?
Gladyce: matches our liver spots, dear. scoop them out with a teaspoon.
Cotard in a medieval monastery: the prayer still works even if i'm making the Sign of the Cross whilst holding a plate and a plastic drink in my spell hand.
Jennifer Garner: hi Carl, it's me, here's proof *sends pic of herself*
Carl Lumbly: wrong number...
Eye Luggage: is there some morbid connection between online women and brain surgeries?
Ruby Tandoh: the Great British Bake Off theme song makes me physically ill.........for that matter so does "Nothing Compares 2 U".
Zuly from Bruno's: for some reason we don't serve fries...
Ashley Parker: no gas no squeegee?
Comey: where's our new daughter? in the car seat?
Ashley Parker: back where we made her, at that San Francisco coffee shop with Carmen Sandiego.
Comey: i had the scone with margarine, the women had the water candy in the shape of a maze.
Michael Weiss in a pornstache: does Instagram reek of desperation or does humanity?
Ralph Garci: the only thing missing from Fame was a scene of Maureen Teefy and i fucking like boars, like pigs, like chickens. like two wild teens throwing caution to the cloudburst.
Dirg: women have it so easy, so lucky, once they have a kid, it's over, they don't have to do anything anymore.
Chad: i lost all my rowdy rambunctious gung-ho college energy after i had a kid. sapped away all into the long winter hole of a Canada maple tree.
Tyzik on James Austin Johnson's twitter:
just saying hi right before you become massively famous
James Austin Johnson: why didn't you find me sooner, Lorne?
Lorne Michaels: Jim Carrey was blocking me.
Stu: wait a minute, James Austin Johnson looks EXACTLY LIKE ME!!! why aren't I on SNL like i belong!!! i don't want to be reviewing the damn show, i want to be Cecily Strong's kept boy!!!
Dirg is seen ripping up his copy of Good Times Magazine on a brownstone stoop.
Warriors: Andrew Wiggins, you are a warrior, be brave and take the stick. take the sword. this is real life now, boy, not your fancy fanciful faith.
Takahashi: during an Instagram blackout you find out who your real friends are...
Courteney Cox: i got around when i was a teenybopper. what i mean is i got tickets to Bruce AND Sting!!
Lou Reed: the Teenage Euthanasia theme song sounds familiar...
Dirg: how sad do you have to be to visit the Bubbleblabber booth at Comic Con?
Annamarie Tendler: can i go back in time traveling in a Hiawatha canoe to when John Mulaney was hosting SNL about to debut his infamous lobster sketch and i was on Twitter moments before live showtime the nervous supportive girlfriend typing
oh no. oh lorde - okay. well, this is it, here we go...
Michael Jordan: the reason i was so insanely popular was cos Chicago is Midwest, not the coasts.
Celine: cum on my lips. vite! i got Marc Maron in 5!
Eye Luggage: like i've said i'm down for food traveling, so let's go to a foreign country that has a Starbucks drivethru. i've never been to a Starbucks Drivethru.
Takahashi: it's like a carwash with foam.
Casper: ghosting is so cruel!!!! i always try to talk it out. i want my ghost to be removed from such a cruel activity. i want to be associated with beds and comfort. i want to put a bed right THERE.
Jesus: that's my manger! that's my crib! get outta my creche!
witch wound: when Doryce and Gladyce were born.........to die for our sins.
Kim Possible: okay! fine! it was me! i broke up Silverchair! i was the Yoko Ono of Silverchair!
Jennifer Pizarro and Pat on the pirate ship:
Pat: but that's the thing, you got to go on an adventure and i didn't.
Jen: i am sorry for that, i never knew you were in such deep pain. i figured you banged another broad and forgot all about me.
Pat: how could i forget you, Jen! your hair is literal flax! i'm not getting over an ex, i'm getting over a never-was.
Jen Pizarro: a coulda-been.
Pat: do you think it's possible to be happy with someone who isn't your soul mate?
Jen: possible yes but sad. i mean you're giving up a whole lot. EVERYONE is MEANT to experience the fullest of the full when it comes to love, the love you were DESTINED for, the absolute fulsome brim that overflows into foam love that you can only have with a soul mate, the full measure of love Goddess Fuerza intended.
Fuerza: the type of love that's instinctual, wordless, comes with emotional intelligence and a language of blinking eyes and winks.
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Takahashi: still working at McDonalds, Amelie? that's my dream job. do you get free Hot Mustard?
Amelie: no, McDonalds rejected me, they were looking for friendly faces.
Eye Luggage: Body Heat and go.
Kathleen Turner: this was my first rodeo.
Eye: yes, ma'am, and what a debut!!! you ooze sex on screen! you melt the cinewax!
Lawrence Kasdan: this softcore prepared me for life at Disney.
Zalman King: this is good. but pretty tame, my stuff is steamier.
Carol Littleton: we had more graphic footage but it was left on the cutting room floor. we felt less was more.
Harvey Weinstein: i'm the only one in the world in possession of the Directors Cut of Body Heat, ALL of it, uncensored, only one copy pressed in the factory only sold in Sweden...
Laertus: i was expecting this to be a color film noir, but i was not expecting it to be funny. film noirs are serious and languid and dour.
Humphrey Bogart: imagine if my films had been in color, none of them would have been successful, they would have all just looked weird.
Kathleen Turner: can you be the People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive in your first year in movies?
Betsy Andreu: yes.
George Clooney: yes. twice. btw, why isn't there a People Magazine Sexiest Woman Alive?
William Hurt: i flubbed my audition but they liked my pornstache so i got the part. remember, i did this BEFORE Children of a Lesser God, so the deaf girl was turned on when i threw that chair and broke the window glass, she could hear it in her fevered sex-starved mind. that glass breaking broke her into orgasm.
Richard Crenna: i'm Jack Nicholson but skinny. it's Reagan times so all i think about is more money and women don't know money.
Ted Danson: am i funnier with brown hair or white hair?
Mickey Rourke: the critics said I was the best actor in this picture. i used this to springboard into doing EVERY SINGLE softcore thriller EVER FILMED in the '80s.
Kim Zimmer: yeah it's me! not the fat hag on your favorite soap opera, i used to be HOT once!!!
Bill Murray: remember Wild Things from 1998? we tried to copy this neo-noir masterpiece and failed miserably.
Neale Donald Walsch: you stole my neck brace!
Bill Murray: Wild Things was the strangest movie i ever did and of all time. it's a softcore erotic thriller with that infamous threeway scene COMBINED with a Bill Murray comedy.
Laertus: of COURSE this takes place in Florida.
John Lasseter: did you know the body's internal combustion engine generates its own heat for...
Lawrence Kasdan: not now, John...
William Hurt: a failed race-car driver from Wisconsin who finds a second home with all the other rejects in Florida. religious but cool like a Simpsons neighbor. i got cheese in my pornstache. i'm the solo sexual hero living in Reagan times, i don't know what to do with myself except go crazy chasing some dame in shoulderpads. why is it so hot? no no, i promised myself, don't talk about the heat, the insane heat wave here. haven't had rain in a year, it's like California. wait a minute, if i combine apple cider with ethanol...
Dirg: not liking this, too global-warming.
Ice Nymphs: hot like our home.
Eye Luggage: so here's the infamous throwing of the chair to break the window glass scene. the most sexually-charged scene in film history. Kathleen Turner stands there in her Carmen Sandiego dress and broken heels climbing carpeted stairs, with that look of take me my lips are hard and crooked i'm in heat and lost standing here waiting for you to destroy my slight frame with your dick.
Kathleen Turner: crumble me with your bomb. make my cunt like crumble cheese.
Dirg: kinda creepy, just sayin.
William Hurt: had to do it in one take, there was only one chair on set, the one the director sat in, the director ran a tight budget.
William: wanna fuck?
Kim Zimmer: best offer i've had all day. and there's the infamous '80s intonation of the word fuck.
William: sorry, i'm so embarrassed, i'm thinking only with my dick. my head is so frazzled right now i'm not concentrating on the fact that this is THE pivotal plot point to this movie, the fact that you could be the blonde's double.
Kim Zimmer: don't mind me, i'm just your friendly neighborhood Marge Simpson.
William: why'd you slap me?
Kathleen: men can't understand what i say, i speak in three foreign dialects at the same time. that's not blood, it's ambiance, we're in a red-lit bar.
William: you've got charms......get it, your charms? not your wind chimes, your womanly charms.
Peter Lowenstein: one day your dick's gonna get you in trouble.
Ned Racine: you're one to talk, Cheers boy.
Mickey Rourke: boy it's convenient that you happen to know a bombmaker.
William: fill that black tub with ice once more, babe, i feel like Bull Durham after a bat.
Kathleen: *crying* you just want me for my rainfall showerhead!
Ted Danson: sorry, i know this sucks, but i'll be the lawyer investigating if you did it.
William: the sex?
Ted: no the crime. the murder. remember what Oscar Grace said, remember his philosophizing, Man does strange things under heat, weather and women, he starts to believe the rules don't apply to him, he can get away with anything if the fucking is fine.
JA Preston: i the black character do it with grace despite the odds in these times of pressed pennies.
Rubikon: i looked up to you, you were a black DA before Law & Order had a bright idea. a country one with a white hat before adult swim. white men's brains are scrambled by heat, we adapt.
Ted Danson: i'll just drink all the smoke already wafting in this room from all of you. see?, this film is funny! and i dance like Fred Astaire on the pier docks for atmosphere.
Humphrey Bogart: i never had to dance. and the Red Sox still won.
Scott Trimble: see the Venetian Blind Lighting right there? it's on the two of them Kathleen and William as Kathleen blows William's dick on the patio.
Big Brother: at least it wasn't in the gazebo or on a mini-golf course, at least have the decency to do it in the band shell when Spongebob isn't looking!
Scott: that was all me! i had to make it look like a '40s noir. that's what a location scout does.
Dirg: okay this whole scene is so '80s and would never fly today. Ted Danson explaining how shocked the little girl was to see her slutty aunt going to town on the strange man's little man. Alice had to overhear it no less.
police: where are the glasses?
Ned: i drink Pepsi not Coke.
police: why didn't you blow up at the water-fishing shack?
Ned: i saw a wire in the keyhole and i'm not into BDSM.
Matty: oh Ned, the love we would have cherished! the fever we could have shared on an island together! i would have flown like a falcon for you all over Florida! holding your heart in my feather. i'm not trying to copy Lauren Bacall. if this be my dark pulp fate so be it. life ain't worth a hill of beans if nobody will ever know who you really are. okay then, lover, i shall walk slowly into this bomb boathouse as it explodes.
Kim: sorry bout that, i didn't mean Guiding Light to mean this...
Ned behind bars jailhouse interview conducted in a Dilbert cubicle maze: please, officer, just give me a yearbook.........i never graduated high school i want to feel what it feels like.
officer of the law: your theory is crazy. you watch too many old black-and-white movies. what's your favorite movie?
Ned: Double Indemnity.
Laertus: very Silence of the Lambs ending here.
on a tropical island near a lake near a volcano.
man offscreen: hace calor!
Matty: what? no, no more pina coladas. i'm unloved, like every woman who ever lived. wanna be my husband?
Ronaldo: but you said i could only be your cabana boy.
Matty: g'night, folks.
Laertus: credits rolling over a blue screen, not black, rare.
Madame Pons: the critics were cruel! savage!
Jacques Pepin: savoy cabbage?
Kathleen Turner: they called me a soap actress! i had the tepid delivery of a soap actress!
Kim: again, sorry, they thought you were me.
Mardith: Janet Maslin? Pauline Kael? they be jealous bitches.
Eye Luggage: women lifting up women, what happened to that?
Kathleen: Janet sounds like a siren, an air-horn!
crones: witches are the only reliable girl-power club.
Lance's daughters: don't worry, Kathleen Turner, we'll make sure you don't turn into a fat hag. we keep frogs in the back.
Freud: this was the first lucid dream committed to film. but none of you saw it cos you were awake.
John Williams: people thought i couldn't do sexy saxophone noir music. my secret weapon was not the Death Star, it was Yoda blowing a gasket playing the sax, that's why he's so short, he lost a foot off his core.
Gorton Fisherman: i'm sorry for the crime i committed. i threw a chair into my shack's window under cover of night making sure nobody but Lance Lear saw me. i even wore a knit cap over my yellow hood. i was hoping to collect on the insurance. the heat made me do it.
Kyle: don't blame the dragon's breath, dad. pop, this isn't you. i wouldn't have wanted this if i were still alive.
Gorton, whose cries of tears blend with the whipping rain: i know son but my head's all in shambles, i can't think straight, i'm going daft and dazed without your love.
Kyle Fisherman: what can i do, pappy?
Gorton: get me those B&W BDSM from the 1940s videos i grew up on, son, get them at Blockbuster. i want to take the tape out of the cassette and stretch it over my shoulders jaw and lower limbs. not for autoerotic asphyxiation, to see if it can be used as fishing wire.
Betsy Andreu and Lance Lear are in bed together, on a bed of straw in a barn. both bodies nude and covered in cum, or how it's known in this time period, merlin milk.
Lance: that sex was wild. i was racing around in circles with your body above me, naked, it was an out-of-body orgasmic electric-energy spectacle!
Betsy Andreu: well i am Danica Patrick's mom.
Lance: tennis lessons later?
Betsy: no, i'm not her. tennis hasn't been invented yet, look for it somewhere in the French Kingdom.
Betsy: why me? you could get any woman in the land.
Lance: you are the only pancake company who didn't have to change their name, that's power.
Betsy: i know what drugs you did.
Betsy: i'm on the board of Pfizer and Moderna. who do you think kept J&J's stock down?
the Royal Guard blasts down the drawbridge door and arrests Lance Lear, shackles his toes fingers and neck.
Lovato: we support you, papa!
Hampshire: we got any money you need.
Floch: perhaps this is a wake-up call for you, father. for the many many many crimes you have perpetrated onto the land as head of state.
Betsy covers herself with straw.
Betsy: what did you do?!!!
Lance: i crashed my bike into the stained glass of a church. looking for you.
Betsy: why would i be at a church?
Lance: my mom always told me church was the hottest nightclub. that was the only stained glass in known existence, they just started doing that this year.
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