PhD PAT: GREYHOUND GIRLS

Pat: to get the girl who's out of reach, to strive higher, to go crazy-high, like a teenaged Tom Cruise.

Galivant: winter break's coming up, where are you staying?

Pat: i'm drawn to the snow this year, not the sun and the sand.

Galivant: but surely the Roman sandals of a cabana boy...

Pat: i'm taking a Greyhound bus...

Galivant: look i get the nostalgia, but it's not gonna be like a Greyhound bus in the '80s where you could think for hours for DAYS along a country mile. there's more traffic now. there's more cars now. there's more people now.

Pat: i need the cold to think, it triggers my brain cos it needs to keep my brain warm. my synapses snug. like a flicker flame going off for the cigarette in my inner ear canal. join me ice-fishing?

Galivant: sorry, the sight of precious Water frozen like that is like sacrilege to me...

Ariana Grande to Pete Davidson: wait so i was just an older Olivia Rodrigo?

crones: many young women have become witches during quarantine lockdown. it's not just a phase, fellas, it's a lifestyle.

Dirg: i will admit. the cards are cool.

Dirg: why are gays so smart?

Tyzik: new movies now. it just doesn't make the same impact when they go straight to HBO Max instead of a warm homey film theatre.

at The Weather Channel:

Maria LaRosa: Sam Champion caused my leaving The Weather Channel. no it wasn't a sex scandal, he left first which forced me to leave, i didn't want to leave...

Clara Melancholik: i was melancholic WAY before Lars von Trier...

Foster Brooks: i died right after 9/11. like George Harrison. i couldn't take it. i was eating a bowl of bananas foster on the toilet. but at least i perished in the paradise that is the utopia of Encino...

Foster Brooks: btw there is Heaven, i am telling you right now sober...

Robin Duke: i was Cheri Oteri before Cheri Oteri...

Eddie Murphy: Duke Duke Duke Duke of Earl Duke Duke...

Gladyce: diced hash brown potatoes become little popcorns in the Ninja Foodi...

Dora Maar: i fucked Jean-Paul Sartre, there was nothing there...

cat familiars: we slept on Dora Maar's lap, we witnessed everything, saw the whole thing, all the abuse by Pablo...

Dora Maar: my abuse was real, it was not cubist abuse...

cat familiars: btw there are cats on Mars...

Doryce: mukashi means old ancient times, mukashi mukashi are like we crones, Gladyce, the really really REALLY ancient old times...

Takahashi: actually mukashi mukashi means once upon  a time...

Dirg: i have an ice shanty.

Takahashi: i know, that's where my Nintendo greybox is. it's plugged into your tiny tv there...

Trent Reznor: pot has saved more people from killing themselves than all of music combined...

Sam Rockwell: i should have won the Oscar for Snow Angels (2007)...

Madame Pons hugs Mardith.

Madame Pons: i love you, girl. you really are an empath. know how i know? cos you're the most empathetic soul i know.

Mardith: and Dirg is the most pathetic person i know.

*they both laugh*

Mardith: i'm an old soul. but strangers tell you their problems, that's why YOU'RE an empath.

Al Pacino: that was not me in Ghost Dog. i would never get shot through a pipe, i have more class than that...

Buddha: the trouble is, you think you have time. Ghost Dog lived in the present...

Falco Eddie: i am the Titan of Beautiful Girls...

Dirg: you swallow beautiful girls?...

Tyzik: T-Mobile using Bridgerton and Robin Williams to bait us...

Brian Doyle-Murray: i'm playing John Waters having sex with Clark Gable...

Dirg: IHOP's in trouble, they're doing burritos and bowls now...

Gladyce: coffee not Advil, dear...

Cotard: Cinzano, you drink this smooth Italian vermouth with the chin...

Mardith: i'm gonna try roller-skate yoga.........later ice-skate yoga...

Mark Hapka: 11:11 will always counter 9:11. from here forth 11:11 will be known as The Hapka...

Dirg: stir your coffee with a tablespoon not a teaspoon, use a man spoon. 

Ice-T: the worst crime you can ever commit is plagiarism. you never know who might show up......Stabler......the original Law & Order cast...

Dirg: i wanna live in Manhattan, Kansas...

Jack Dorsey puts on a Superman cape and switches places with Michael Weiss...

Black Professor Black: i took a wooded railway through the Forest of Dean to get my PhD...

AOC: why haven't I been on SVU yet!!?...

Madame Pons: it's too painful for me to get on the Skins reddit and answer questions about the show posted yesterday, the nostalgia is like a big apple Cassie is too skinny to eat...

Mike Richards: not Kramer. i memorize the 3 contestant life-stories without using an index card, take that, Ken Jennings!!! take THAT, Aaron Rodgers!!!

Rubikon: scrolling through my Instagram like how the fuck did YOU get vaccinated! what line did YOU cut in front of!...

Eye Luggage: look, i just want Kat and Carisi to fuck, okay? i want Kat to turn Carisi gay.

Boc: but what of WWII comfort boys and comfort men?...

Dirg: the internet's just supposed to be for men, y'know?....

Takahashi: *gives the shaka* The North Face. that is such a rad company name.

Don Addis in adidas: bring back kackleface!

Jillian Clare: see the thing is i will immediately boycott Sia's autism film, because i never want to be accused of choosing sides. i will always be on the side fighting against the Fascist creep happening in this world...

Dirg: people think my mask is gang-sign skulls but it's cats...

Dirg: we're better off anyways as the insurgent party in the shadows against the party in power. we're the Star Wars rebels against the Death Star...

George Lucas's father: i only got that NOW! Star Wars, the Star in the title is the Death Star!!!

Rafael Nadal: give me the chainsaw, nun...

Stage Deli: all the world's a stage...

Codrus: Monk Hollow should have been my home...

Don Addis: just bring back Mad Magazine. please? i'm not Ethiopian. i'll throw a rock at you. i'll go back to church, promise...

The Pope: i was having lunch with Bill Gates at Red's Donuts and i noticed something: the one in Seaside: olive counter girl, pictures of John Steinbeck, no gluten-free. the one in Monterey: white counter girl, pictures of Where The Wild Things Are, gluten-free...

Madame Pons: i wanna learn the guitar.

Mardith: and the water xylophone!

Dirg: don't go to Monterey Music Store, just a bunch of weirdos trying to get laid.

Takahashi: i've completely lost my taste for Food Wars...

Mardith: it's still good for me, still on Season 1. in other news, i want Vanessa and Yami to get together before Vanessa dies...whoops...

Madame Pons: i wanted Vanessa to buy that bath bomb!!!!!!!!!!

Dirg: of course the French ice-cream guy who licked ice-cream cones but didn't speak a lick of English was a terrorist on 24...

Madame Pons: one of my girls says the clapping-hands emoji is really a washing-hands emoji...

Heidi Gardner backstage with Kyle Mooney:

Heidi hugs Kyle and kisses him on the lips.

Heidi: just a little wet-kiss apology, you are such a good sport, Kyle, i hated that cuck skit. SNL always makes you play the loser.

Kyle: for once i wanted to play the flumer, not the flamer.

Heidi: but you don't deserve that, you're a sweet guy. look, here are the keys to my dressing room, if you ever want a refresher come up and see me sometime. no anal but we can definitely incorporate the Soul doll into our lovemaking...

Celine: it's not Paris it's Paname, only a true local knows this. Paris will be cyberpunk soon but the sex robots will all be wearing Panama hats...

Doryce: i need to smooth my winch stone...

Stu: i'm living the dream! i'm writing for a music magazine! it's not Rolling Stone it's AV Club but still...

Mardith: Dirg you need to go to a kindness closet stat, you need it desperately.

Gladyce kisses the nape of her black Keurig machine:

Gladyce: my poor baby. i can hear your rotors wheezing with each additional teacup. i shoulda descaled you but i never found the time. i shoulda made time...

Doryce: nobody descales the thing people just buy a new Keurig...

Gary Kroeger: our greatest adventure is not knowing what happens to us when we die.........i'm trying to make up for the blackface...

Charles Rocket: you know why i did it? I was supposed to be Eddie Murphy...

Ralph Bakshi: Blood of Zeus, i'm back, baby!!!!!

Lee Miller: my proudest accomplishment actually is my malaria-net facemask for catching mosquitoes in your teeth before a toothpick...

Jojo Moyes: i Stand. when you think of my name you think of muffins in a warm hearth in the English countryside, when you think of my porn name you think of moist...

Elizabeth Day: don't pee on my leg and tell me it's raining at day. i was born at day...not last day...

Chris Cuomo: i had to talk about my brother on my show today...that was awkward...

Doryce to Gladyce: dear why does the Wildlife Observation Society make your picture on the seal of their membership card the silhouette of a witch...

Dirg: ah, Judge magazine, '20s vintage...

Laertus: no, '20s Dr. Seuss racism...

Mona Lisa: Purina cat chow, i sponsored them, they wouldn't have been as big without my Medici patronage. i made them regal and noble, i was the first cat patron of matron descent the world had ever seen seven sea to seven sea...

cat familiars: we get LOBSTER in our wet cat food today?!! we eatin' fancy tonite!!

Cotard: i have a moral dilemma: the Goya cans of chickpeas are the only ones with the easy-to-open tab...

Alice Evans: my beloved Ioan.........i mean what do you expect from a man who looks like Hugh Grant...

Hugh Grant: i am NOT Cary Grant!

Mardith: MEDSPA!! let's do this, girls!!!

Bambi: the water's unfrozen?

Dirg: can i come?

Mardith: it's like a hot springs...but no underage naked anime girls...

Madame Pons: i want to test the hardness and durability of my bath bombs against their 100 mph jet-rocket of steam!!!

Eye Luggage: i'm gonna paint my hair, i'm gonna get my toes glasses, i'm gonna make my nails ten inch, i'm gonna wax my third eye...

Laertus: i have an unhealthy fear of Florida...

Dirg: *patting Laertus on the backbone* it's all good, good buddy, we'll fix you right up, we'll take you down to the Everglades and fish you out some vulture stew. no sanitation stations down there, we turn our masks into flu quilts. in order to dive into the swamp to wrestle gators you must be wearing genuine snakeskin heels...

Madame Pons: gotta say, i thought i'd NEVER AGAIN get on that INSANE Degrassi Wiki. EVER AGAIN. i come back 20 years later and it's STILL INSANE!!! Rest In Power Jahmil French, i remember Dave Turner, Degrassi Forever...

Mardith: the Degrassi Wiki is where ALL fanfiction got started, fanfiction is now a global billion-dollar industry...

Dirg: don't tell me he was inspired by the Campbell storyline...

Takahashi: do you have a barong i can borrow? i'm late for a wedding...

Madame Pons: the shirt or the panther god straight out of Demon Slayer...

Takahashi: both.

Madame Pons: wait why aren't you marrying me?

Takahashi: not mine, my Filipino cousin's...

Dirg: i got some Panther Perfume you can borrow...

Bill Burr: i'm on The Mandalorian.........i know it seems like a strange fit, but...yeah...

The Pope: don't worry, i can fight in Iraq, i am a soldier of love, i was in the army when i was a bouncer at the club...

Dirg: i just use the hard work people put on their Instagram pics & videos attaching the right music & songs to it and i just send those out to various women i want to fuck.

Michael Weiss: you're a user...

Dirg: i love when my followers do all the work for me...

Gina De Vecchio: don't stare at my tits just help the animals out, okay? it's more than just cats and dogs... 

Dirg: where do i slip the money?...

Gina De Vecchio: this was Olga Ospina's old gig till Simon Cowell got her kicked out of the SPCA. i'm an upgrade from her, i got two forever homes...

Mainichi Shimbun: we're a newspaper not a toilet for Don Quixote...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Roger Ebert in cornrows: actually i'm the exact-same body-shape as Forest Whitaker, i coulda played Ghost Dog...

Eye: Beautiful Girls and go.

Cher: SHE'S TOO YOUNG FOR HIM!!!!!!!!!!

Natalie Portman: PREACH, SISTER!!!!!!!!!! looking back, bad title...

Laertus: i suppose it could have been worse, she could have been 12...

Natalie: i was 15 playing 13, cos Hollywood wacky rules...

Dirg: no you're seeing this thing all dirty when it's meant to be innocent, Natalie Portman is simply the Main Character trying to accept that he's never gonna be young again...

Rosie O'Donnell: i was obviously the star of this picture...

Natalie: if that's the case why is there a line in the script in which Timothy Hutton actually says 13-year-old me is hot?

Timothy Hutton: all of this further complicated by my rape allegation...

Weinstein: ...

Rosie: i did the barbershop thing like the upcoming Coming 2 America...

Tyzik: i was gobsmacked at the lines left in here. retard. retard was in the trailer! IN THE TRAILER!!!

Rubikon: lynching in this said by a white dude and meant to be a laughline, shaking my damn head, sigh.

Ted Demme: Minnesota, not Chicago, is Middle America...

Fargo: we knew this before anyone...

Matt Dillon: i look like the lead singer of the band Trapt...

Laura Prepon: before we start, let us never speak of October Road again...

Dirg: your hair is colored October...

Round Table: if only there was pizza at Knight's Ridge...

Sarah Spain: see this whole area of Boston in this movie? i own it, i own all of it...

Sarah Spain: Knight's Ridge, where the seasons never change...but the management does... 

Annabeth Gish: my character in this is HATED amongst fanfiction-writers...

Lauren Holly: Darian? wasn't that the guy who invented Melrose Place? i was so mean as a snake it required Jim Carrey's warped smile to smooth out my twisted snake.

Shinra Kusakabe: i know the feeling. need any fire in this town?...

Martha Plimpton: i hate my name, i'm not plump, i'm skinny.

Michael Rapaport: WE did sea shantys before this current stupid Gen Z TikTok generation.

Mira Sorvino: i really thought my career after Mighty Aphrodite would go different...you know, i'd work with Woody Allen four more times, become a respected arthouse queen, eventually write and direct my own stuff...not bras and panties...not a secret hellish-working-conditions Quentin Tarantino set...

Eye Luggage: hey you know the movie never addressed your character's eating disorder, disappointing to me. they hint at it but there's not a come-to-seeing-Jesus-in-your-scrambled-eggs moment.

Uma Thurman: i am literally too hot to be in this snowy movie. i know i know, shit on me for having the name ANDERA instead of ANDREA...

Babylon 5: we called in 1996, we want our name back...

David Arquette: my first film. i think. as a punk kid my shit-eating grin is cute, as an adult tho it's...

Afghan Whigs: we are no Alice In Chains...

Elle Macpherson: remember when i was relevant enough to have a dog named after me?...

Dirg: and we start with a little Tom Petty...oh i like these snowplows...except i wouldn't call them snowplows, they're just cool cars with cool Transformers attachments on them.

Takahashi: it is cool how they are able to drive the snowplow on the street like that like a normal car.

Dirg: they say you have to improvise in jazz, but not THAT way, Willie's willie. 

Laertus: back when golf on tv was nice and safe and Tiger-Woods-less all-white like this snow...

Michael Rapaport: vegan butchers are in vogue now, they cut tofu. renders my lines here moot and i am never mute. do you jack off to your own nudes? some sperm is never swallowed. but my monologue here still holds, it stands time. it's true, supermodels are bottled hope. hope for a new better day for men. yeah actually back then many boys kept their walls COVERED in lady posters with tape and it was seen as puberty and innocent.

Koro-sensei: the head in your freezer is me...

Rapaport: i'm not telling tales out of school here we all know Uma Thurman is bad in bed...

Natalie Portman: if she can cut her own food she's fair game? they fucking let that in?!!! who wrote this stuff, a hunter?!!

Stewie Griffin: see? i do belong here. my show made fun of this movie but i'm the REAL Rex Harrison!

Rosie O'Donnell: what about MY monologue!...i have big tits and a big ass, too, i HAVE a coat that hangs on them just right...

Rosie: i never lost my '80s hair. Star Search, the American Idol THE WHOLE COUNTRY watched...

Martha Plimpton: you can only have what you can't have. you have to love someone with all your soul but never be desperate about it...

Natalie Portman: brown diamonds? come on, that isn't romantic, that's poo, those were obviously blood diamonds. wait for me and we'll walk the world together...oh brother...

Galivant: planning a trip with someone?...

Dirg: as Tom Petty says, the waiting is the hardest part...

Natalie: i mean at least they ADDRESS it in the film, they talk of Roman Polanski and how Nabokov's Humbert Humbert is extra-insidious cos he's a clean-cut professor with elbow patches instead of an old fat bald dirty old man with a mustache and dirty glasses and short beige pants and beige bowling zip-up jacket and zigzag socks. i didn't want a kiss in the end but they settled on a cheek-kiss...

Natalie: my Brownies troupe would have razzed me? oh, brown diamonds, right...

Natalie: they made me script-doctor the script.

Mardith: that's the saddest thing i've ever heard...

Natalie: i said if they had to keep the Winnie the Pooh bit I wanted to be Pooh, not him! that was my idea, i came up with the concept during the writing session of toys which outlasted their usefulness once their owners grew up. and then Toy Story comes along the very same year and swipes my idea!!!  

Laertus: the required bar singalong. every bar must have a piano. at least it wasn't the Cheers theme...

Sarah Spain: some things never change...

Natalie: what was i doing going down into that basement anyway?...

Dirg: dyslexic Romeo & Juliet, ha! couldn't get away with that now...

Timothy Hutton: when i get jealous of a 13-year-old boy, that's when you know there's something wrong with me...

Dirg: we all want something beautiful...wait let me rephrase that...

Natalie: his friend actually had to REMIND him i am a zygote...

Rapaport: i have a rapport with everybody. back then the biggest conspiracy in this country was that all women were in a secret Sister Sorority...

Eye: we NEED a Sister Sorority now! of compassion. especially between Evan Rachel Wood and Vanessa Bryant...

Uma: hey remember that Van Morrison performance on Letterman? there was a guy in the Before Trilogy films? i only noticed the stunning relatable Celine. remember when Lars von Trier did Oprah? i learned so much about Quentin Tarantino from Mira Sorvino...

Dr. Seuss: that rhymes!

Laertus: friends who have to insult each other to prove they're friends? bar fight? only thing missing is Peter Berg...

little girl: daddy. why are you killing that man?

dad: we're just Massholes, honey...

Eye: it IS like the hospital scene in The Last Seduction at the end there, babe. i do like the monologue of Matt Dillon, realizing there are limits to being a high-school-football star. he dreamt there was a woman with him...

Mardith: don't obsess over the one that got away, look at the one in front of you, worry about the one who is yet to come...

Rapaport: those were real tears outta me, too, at the end there, i crashed my snowplow into a tree, the sets back then had no safety standards...

Natalie Portman: hello, nice to meet you, can you get me a job on The X-Files? i was never on that show...

Annabeth Gish: punk kid i mean sure sure you're gonna grow up to do big things. YOU STOLE STAR WARS FROM ME!!! i auditioned for Amidala!!! PADME BE ME!!! 

Max Perlich: sadly, i fell into the very trap of this movie, i couldn't be with anybody other than a supermodel. i ended up marrying an Asian porn star. i hate fascism in all its forms, this mustache is free, i bite into the Nazi apple. because of me there's a Taco Bell sauce-packet that says

Stay Cool Forever 

Eye: the one good piece of fanfiction of this film i read was about a sequel scenario where Marty does grow up past 18 and she and Timothy Hutton meet for drinks every five years or so to see how their lives are going at a bar in New York of course. Marty has never stopped pining for him even into adulthood but she recognizes it just is never gonna happen. Marty sleeps with many men 20 years older than her but there is one paramour of hers that is her own age, she slept with him cos he had Willie's eyes. Marty succumbs, she comes to realize through these painful checkup talks with Willie that she is never gonna find the one who isn't Willie, that Beautiful Girls messed her up for life. g'night, folks...

Natalie Portman: fantasy, not science fiction, is dangerous...

Pat is in a rented ice shanty far from civilization, thinking and writing in his frozen-over skins journal:

Pat: you know i just realized that my birthday falls on Spring Break...no wonder nobody ever came...

Pat spots a snowman through the frosted window, Pat's eyes are glazed but...

Pat: ...IT'S A SNOWWOMAN! AND IT'S COMING THIS WAY!!!

the snowwoman bangs on the tiny door and breaks the screen of the tiny tv to come in. Pat raises his halligan bar,

Pat: HOW ARE YOU WALKING WITH NO FEET!

Galivant: it's me. i'm the snowperson. i should be in Florida with the crones at that randy retirement house...

Pat is about to explain his adventure to her when her lips stop moving. her lips are black not from the cold but from being inanimate coals.

Pat: YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME!!! I'VE ENDURED THREE MONTHS OF DEEP FREEZE! BITTER COLD RACKING MY BRAIN FOR AN IDEA WHICH WOULD LIGHT THE FIRE IN MY HEART. BUT THERE WAS ONLY THE SEAWEED WRACK IN MY HEAD. AND THEN YOU GO AND IT TURNS OUT YOU WERE MY GRANDEST ILLUSION OF ALL! YOU NEVER EXISTED! SNOW DOESN'T LIE IT REVEALS!!!

Pat: wait...let me try something...

Pat builds a fire from her twig-hands and puts it in her vagina space. instantly the entity comes to life again!

Galivant: i'm not dead. you can't kill me. i'm always here. a long three months for you is not long for me...

Pat: phew, my sweat just turned to icicles on my brow. don't do that to me again it's not funny.

Galivant: i mean i can't rightly give you a handjob with these twigs now can i.

Pat: thinking back on something isn't linear, it's circular. time up here is a snowmound. it's not flat as an ice tundra, flat as Aaron Rodgers's head, it's shaky as an ice floe. there are cringey wishful-thinking justifications which circle back into revelations from the person on the other side of your circle that you affected terribly. it all flies in the sky as an snow flurry till it hits you in the face hard.