Pat sits down at the Student Centre with Galivant:
Galivant: student centre?
Pat: well it's really just a pub i mean bar with a borrowed Broadway stage. Rocky Horror's playing next week...
Galivant: green beer please. two mugs. is that tacky?
St. Patrick wearing a green leprechaun hat is sleeping snoring dozing snozing at the far corner table of the bar his hat cutting his eyes.
St. Patrick: *drunkenly* leave me alone. leave me alone TODAY! if you DARE disturb me i'll piss in yer eye.
Katy Tur's mysterious French boyfriend sidles up to the counter:
Katy Tur's mysterious Parisian boyfriend: *drunkenly* oui so Katy hasn't thought of me since our summer rendezvous. she wore the Panama hat btw. she went off to New York like Cassie and found someone new and had a baby. i thought i'd do well staying in Paris but Paris ain't what it used to be. all i got out of the deal was this scratchy itchy fuzzy Yale sweater...
at the altar:
Gwen Stefani: Blake, i do like you, i put up with you, buy boots with you, but honestly you were just kinda my gadget man, you were keeping me together psychologically, you were my beer n wings. i love Gavin. i've always loved Gavin. i never STOPPED loving Gavin. i get it, the maid fantasy, i have the butler fantasy myself but it's over now, got it out of his system. i'm gonna marry Gavin, that's the most girl-power thing i could ever do, cos it's my free choice. we didn't marry the first time. sorry. but we did do that cool T Mobile Superbowl commercial or something, so that's a memory.
Blake: i knew this was too good to be true.
Madame Pons comes in and sashays herself squeezing between herself and Mardith on the other side of the table:
Madame Pons: greetings all. i see you. i see me. i honor you. i honor me. i cherish you. i cherish me. grateful for surviving one more turn of the moon...
Mardith: you forgot love. young people don't believe in love anymore, it's just a trick of the pheromones.
Charlie Sheen lights his cigarette on the abovehead lamp of the hanging tiffany lamp:
Charlie Sheen: huh, it's busy and noisy inside here again, i don't think that's supposed to be happening...
Punkie Brewster: look, Charlie, it's cool...
Charlie Sheen: hey. hey. HEY! i am NOT a punk!!! she was 18!!!
Punkie Brewster: my diary entry indicates i actually READ the Sex and the City book RIGHT when it came out, we girls do that sort of thing, i've never seen an episode of the show...
Punkie: you were my Christmas gift...
Charlie: no you were mine...
Madame Pons: i see you, Soleil Moon Frye, i know you are a rape survivor.
the crones at a neighboring table:
Doryce: where's the Applebee's carving!!!
Gladyce: i'm glad we're here. the Denny's eggs are fried.........as in burnt to a crisp!!!...
Takahashi: good news, there's The Mighty Ducks: Game Changers...
Jeff Bezos: ...bad news, it's gonna be on Amazon Prime, not Disney Plus...
Emilio Estevez: and i can't be Gordon Bombay anymore...
Dirg: i just want to be comic-book like Jesse Blaze Snider...
Laertus: a film a week is better than an apple...
Roger Federer: i sat out the entire pandemic.........i mean i was "injured"...
Joe Biden: okay. you got me. i am really Bob Barker...
Alexi McCammond: duck duck goosed...
Michael Weiss wearing an Ariel from Little Mermaid shirt: i don't get TikTok, it's just you talking to yourself.
Laertus: it's good for acting practice, it's very Uta Hagen. instead of the standard monologue you play all the parts, both parts, you start a dialogue with yourself...
Tyzik: all these art accounts on Instagram are all the same, all the boring, all the uninspired, there's no life to them!!!
Dirg: you can lose a lifelong friendship in one week...
Dirg: do you really love me? or are you only interested in how much bitcoin i'm willing to buy...
Michael Weiss: so are we gonna fuck now based off my clever comment on your Instagram?...
Takahashi: the Togo's True-To-The-Sandwich logo is some weird Goya Grotesque art. not meat filling.
Doryce: never do eggrolls in the Ninja Foodi, it leaves a MESS!!!
Rachel Field: where do i get my ideas? in the field. smoking a pipe at Lenape...
cat familiars: we vacation at the Texas Catwalk...
Governor Cuomo: i'm wearing Cynthia Nixon's snuggie and guaranteeing all wolves in this state WILL get vaccinated which is their birth control...
Samantha from Sex and the City: this is the perfect time for ME! I should run for governor...
Governor Cuomo: you know what, i'm just gonna wait this thing out...
Anne-Sophie making cereal without looking on top of her tall chef hat: i get the pics...
Dirg: come on, Cheryl Burton, we were just doing the Monster Mash, the guy who said it hates Bump tho!
Dirg: this is all single thirtysomething women during summer: bikini, spread out on a beach towel in the middle of the sandy beach, looking up at the bright-blue sun through shades, pina colada and Collins paperback smushed and turned upside-down on one corner of the blanket...
Danielle Collins: stay in school, kids...
Michael Weiss eating suntan lotion: Instagram is just a way for certain individuals to advertise their country...
Laertus: a person in a third-world country has GREAT pressure to represent their country, their entire country is on their slim shoulders, it's counting on them, a mundo of pressure.
Dirg: i stand by Cressida Dick...
Madame Pons: Farmer's Wife Magazine? the feminist magazine or the magazine about agrarian life?
Takahashi: or the magazine about Philip Jose Farmer?
Dirg: fat guys are more than fat guys. fat guys contribute to society, too. we fat guys have imaginations and dreams...
Dirg: i'm starting to lose my taste for the NCAA basketball tournament. March Madness is just March Blandness.
Takahashi: you still love chickenwings tho, right?
Mia Mingus: i teach how to avoid giving a bad apology by allowing yourself to show your bottom half...
Little Edie: you're here for the gardener position? no, we don't need a gardener around here.........not to cut the grass anyway...
Dirg: can i have John Travolta deliver mail to me in a big block red bag backpack on his back that reads MAIL?...
Takahashi: like the Zelda mail-carrier come to real life...
Laertus: Colonial Penn commercial. when the old white guy tells the middle-aged black guy, menacingly,
keep going
it's very old America. and the black guy's a Marine!
Madame Pons: i know you're a good man, Takahashi. i notice bad energy, weird vibes, and sneaky shit...
Laertus: Pat's Dogs...
Dirg: pets?
Laertus: chili...and hair metal, my dad's favorite...
cat familiars: what's with all these ghastly Instagram animal accounts where they do unimaginable things with animals just for likes?!!!!
Bryan Dattilo: i'm still here! i'm still handsome! i still got the Muppet mouth!
Mardith: Dirg, don't take away a woman's power by looking at her butt when she's walking down the street...
Cotard: the 2020 Masters was a monastery...
Scott Van Pelt: i mean c'mon. i'm Scott Van Pelt, i'm the world's coolest dad...
Laertus: you remind me of my dad, SVP...
Doryce: i'm constantly looking at Mardith's trashcan to see what's in it now...
Roger Federer: *grinning ear to ear* is there anything better than Mexican tennis?!!! tennis in Mexico?!!!!
Dirg: stories are more sad to hear when a woman speaking Spanish says them.........more heartbreaking i mean...
Takahashi: let me lift you out of the fog of this misconception right now: there is no such thing as a "Twitch community"...
Madame Pons: Mardith, i think you're gonna be an actress. empaths make the best actresses.
Gladyce: don't eat potato salad, it makes your butthole mashed and itchy.
Mardith: when you're going steady with someone it means you're looking at his Instagram Stories everyday...
cat familiars: what does it matter if the cat's getting fatter...
Mona Lisa: i gave the Poushe strudel maiden logo the confidence to wag her finger...
Eye Luggage: sadly, the trans kids still have to hide in plain sight on Instagram, they can't be free and active as they want to...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...
Pat: i brought the Princess cakes and the Atari Monopoly board! stole them from my dorm. they won't mind. they're hoity-toity and distracted...
Dirg: Audrey Hepburn may have no tits, but i sure saw her nipples in Roman Holiday! thank you to that shirt...
Audrey Hepburn: i HATED doing Robin and Marian! Sean Connery was such a bitch!
Gregory Peck: i wanted to say to you Audrey at the end of Roman Holiday there:
i bet you a million chips you are in love with me and will give up the throne for me.
Eye Luggage: The Squid and the Whale and go...
Laertus: first thing this film invokes in me is the setting where one sees such a film: small New England fishing village community college, a very small white box in the middle of campus serves as the flyer-plastered indiehouse, with two steps and one railing. it's Fall, just getting out of Winter, the leaves are semi-covered white. everyone watches this squeezed into a small viewing area of only ten orange seats, with their professor in a brown beard and taupe shoulderpads, beige smoking jacket. it's always chilly you can see the curvy wind carve the air. it's a twin cinemas, a double feature...
Dirg: oh yeah? what's the other movie?
Laertus: dunno, something by Wes Anderson i guess...
Noah Baumbach: i am Wes Anderson Junior...Wes Anderson Lite if you like...Wes Anderson without the stage props...
Boc: my favorite auteur...
Eye Luggage: wait, is this a field trip situation? or is the professor the students' date?
Laertus: i'll get to that. it's a little treat for the students faculty and residents alike before finals start...or end...there's an ice rink on the second floor of this film theatre...everyone wears a scarf to this...
Laertus: this film is so special to me. it's the perfect template of what i want to achieve, of what i aspire to. the film i want to make. i want to make my own Squid and Whale. perfect length, too, a nice 90 minutes, nice and tight and gets outta there.
Eye Luggage: IT'S AN '80S MOVIE!!!
Laertus: yeah that's the thing. it has 3 count em THREE of my deepest-held-in-my-heart pulpits of nostalgia. hits my chest hard. first, the tennis. then the novel-writing. and Jeff Daniels is EXACTLY my father in the '80s!!! i mean this EXACTLY was my life in the '80s, an intellectual trying to get his book published with no success. books which don't sell, and the family who struggles daily because of it. Jeff Daniels IS my dad! talks like him, mannerisms like him, thinks like him.
Laertus: i love when Jeff Daniels goes serious. i'm most interested in making this kinda sorta film myself. i'm excited that you shot this very easily economically inexpensively with a handheld camera...
Noah Baumbach: yeah. big Hollywood actors, small tech.
Laertus: can i do it on an ipad mini?
Noah: go Samsung. not GoPro. the Samsung has that cinema-quality Dolby, what we use in Hollywood.
Dirg: sigh, New York again. Brooklyn hipsters no less to boot. Park Slope? sounds racist.
Eye Luggage: OKAY! now this opening scene I LOVE!!! see THIS is the tennis scene i wanted from Bob & Carol & Ted & Alice!!!
Laertus: oh i'm loving those wood racquets! i mean those things are basically racquetball racquets!
Roger Federer: sorry i couldn't be there, i'm in Acapulco!!!
Laertus: oh it's the '80s, there's no Sampras yet! the heroes are McEnroe and Connors and Borg.
William Baldwin: this is rare for me, you see me in a goofy role.
Owen Kline: hey can you call me sasquatch instead of brother, it's cooler.
William Baldwin: okay sure thing, brother. i hope i don't have to be a hunky fireman anymore...
Laertus: those who write, teach.
Dirg: i mean he wouldn't be so selfish and arrogant if maybe you published his stuff once in a while!!! whale!!! colleges are just manufacturers of robotic liberal robots. book tours ain't what they used to be, all college auditoriums are empty now.........not just cos of covid...
Dirg: oh come on! the wife gloms onto her husband's blood sweat and tears like a Don Knotts Fish barnacle, she flies in his tiger blood. she wouldn't have had the access were not for him!
Eye: but she's good tho. she has an innate sense that was brought out. she's finally found her passion. and through it her passions. it was a typewriter spool all along. doesn't matter how you get started in something, it's how you finish.
Dirg: all over Ivan's face...
Jesse Eisenberg: i have the unique ability for you to find my acting subtly brilliant and yet also you want to punch me in the face when i get mad on screen. i didn't take any pills for this one...
cat familiars: oh GOD do NOT harm that cat!!!!!!!!!!
Eye Luggage: i want a teacher-student romance. there HAS to be one. i want to see two grown consenting adult people naked having an illicit taboo affair, fucking in a bed...
Natalie Portman: i suppose it could have been worse, he could have taught high school...
Dirg: okay the masturbating in the library, i didn't get that slip of paper Frank uses. what is that a picture of? it's some sort of YMCA pool pic? of a woman's smooth legs? or is the woman getting her cunt eaten out by a man with a '70s fro who looks like Welcome Back Kotter...
Dirg: i guess i didn't go to New York. i got death threats taped to my locker but never cum...
Jeff Daniels: why does your mother date jocks? i mean, i play tennis...
Dirg: oh yeah, that film poster of that film that was ostensibly about eroticism in cars but it ended up being very unsexy cos it really was about auto-asphyxiation. why do all these art films invoke other art films?
Theo Huxtable: dad, this guy is so smart, when The Wild Child was referenced in this film, he watched that whole other movie!
Rubikon: um, your father's not here right now, Theo...
Laertus: ping pong is tennis junior. but it's not tennis lite, it's actually harder than tennis...
Dirg: yep, we're all philistines, eat the elite! uninteresting men, not a serious guy.
if my dad's so bad why did your mom fuck him?
oooooohhhh, BURN!!!
Dirg: Lili with the good hair......and the pussy muscles...
Eye: close-up on Anna Paquin's ass climbing up the stairs. still allowed back then.
Dirg: back then backside. that IS a good book to copy from, see? all colleges are the same, nothing original coming out of them for 30 years, just Leftist tanks.
Laertus: you won't have to blow your super. like The Super, that '70s show starring that guy of the famous gun cannoli line. i'd do ANYTHING to see those last two episodes, Episodes 11 and 12, they never aired, nobody knows what they were about...
Eye: that starred his own wife and daughter as his tv wife and daughter, keeping it in the family. i used to think the '70s Olympics would have been more important, it's okay to preempt...
Dirg: and then when they do have sex:
Jeff: okay let's roleplay, you be the tenant and i'll be the super...
Jesse: i don't know what happened. i came hard and quickly. that usually doesn't happen to me, it takes at least 5 seconds normally.
Dirg: yeah, that's what all guys say. and girls in real life DON'T take it as a compliment. stamina is what impresses them, huge cumshot at the end. hey, maybe if your tits weren't so strangely big...
Halley Feiffer slaps Dirg in his chest tits.
Eye: Frank's an adorable mama's boy. Walt is Noah who just wants to animate The Metamorphosis...
Jeff: how it shoulda gone down:
Bernard: yeah my beard IS feral and sexy. has that Clan of the Cave Bear going on. i got my beard game from Jim Carrey...
Joan: did you really do everything you could to save our marriage?
Bernard: well i could have acted out your book in real life, i told you not to make him die...
Laura Linney: what's interesting is none of the book-signing ceremonies are shown here. not like that Infinite Jest movie...
Jeff: only the rejection letters. got any change?
Biden: yes.
Walt: so can you help me or are you just an empty suit thesis diploma?
Ken Leung: yes. follow my breathing. but in exchange for my therapy TELL ME WHERE THE POLAR BEARS ARE!!! these whales and squids i found in the ocean don't cut it...
Eye: Sophie Greenberg! he already had Greenberg on the brain! the interesting dense thing is what Anna and Halley are talking about in the background there by the bricks smoking. you know they were hatching a plan to save the day that the audience doesn't know about, girls are never depicted as smart on screen, just interested in dripping cunts. they both knew they were double-dealing each other with Jesse and both knew sex with a professor is hot.
Takahashi: i love these stoops and tall buildings as homes. and the open bay windows hugging the sidewalk at night like anybody off the street can look in and see these homes lit and in full drama mode. see all the fighting behind closed doors in open windows. very Cosby Show. and that ATARI system by the old tv! magnifique!
Laertus: and the Vitas GERULAITIS poster!!! makes my heart sing! there was a precious time in the '80s when Vitas Gerulaitis was discussed in the upper crust of society as being a rad down-to-earth dude who played tennis. one of the greatest even!
Eye: turns out he misremembered. you can't beat a mother's love...
Laura Linney: pet names, works every time. Pickle. Breton Cracker...
cat familiars: oh god that cat BETTER not get run over!!!
Laertus: see? same exact thing happened to my dad, he had a heart-attack on the street and keeled over. and hopefully not how i go out...
Dirg: i said bitch...
Monica Vitti: i should have been in Roman Holiday...
Dirg: i don't want to talk about the squid on the whale's face like that display at the museum hanging thingie, it's too scary. g'night, folks...
Eye: i loved the jump cuts here, the divorce tension mounts but is not shown, not the real ugly fights anyway. just the hard slam of a telephone, the pull-out zoom of a couch-cot bed. g'night, folks...
Jean-Paul Sartre: why do they teach you the WORST books by the BEST authors? ha! g'night, folks...
Bill Murray: i would have ruined this if i had starred in it, i'm not friends with Jim Carrey.........g'night, folks...
Galivant: so are you getting acclimated to the Student Centre?
Pat: that might be the right word. i dunno. i got kicked out of here once, not for protesting, for performing on that stage that Pink Floyd song with the pi balloons. i DID write that song tho! it was in my English thesis! nobody reads theses anymore, all the ideas of the future are contained in undergraduate theses! hey i didn't come up with that Beatles song, okay?, that would be ridiculous...
Pat entrances the auditorium steps on campus hidden in the woods. the one with the rare row of lockers...
Pat takes his cum in the palm of his hand and slaps it hard on the locker door. the locker door turns out to be Galivant's face, she from the rectangular locker shape transforms back into a woman...
Galivant: there's gotta be a better way for you to express your sexual urges. to null your sex addiction. forward your fetishizing. for goddess sake get rid of your anime! would you like me better if i were younger?
Pat: maybe if you were the student instead of the professor.
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