Pat: having a hard time making friends. what should i do?
Galivant: well actually this Student Centre is a jumpin' joint! it's where all the hep cats perch! you could maybe join some of the students here and participate in a midnight screening of Rocky Horror Picture Show.
Pat: i'm not much of an actor.
Galivant: yeah but that's the thing, the audience participates as much as the actors you're watching on screen. those actors can't change what they did, it's already been filmed, it's committed to celluloid, but what you do right now in the audience is live and improv.
Galivant: this film really brings the community together, for how can you kill someone you did the Time Warp dance with even if he has differing politics? get out of your comfort zone and PARTICIPATE in something for once in your life! get into the out there. you know, actually live life.
Pat: they say introverts make the best actors...
Jerrie Cobb: can of corn. like shagging flies in baseball practice...except in space...
Boc: you are my hero...
Dirg: the Survivor chick?...
Jerrie: i got into the out there. and i'm not talking about left field...
Tyzik: right-field theory perhaps?
Cotard: wait that's not a monk emoji, that's a wizard emoji...
President Biden: *leans forward* yeah yeah yeah just do the thing, do the things, whatever needs to be done just do it.
Cecily Strong: i got it done! i finally wrote a Biden skit that's funny! whaddaya say?
Pete Davidson: sure, i'll do it. what is it of?
Cecily: Biden is the host of The Price Is Right...
Madame Pons: i'm all for transhumanism but i got a strange pamphlet at LUSH about The Great Reset...from Hawaii???!!!...
Obama: wasn't me.
Mardith: it's gonna be a 1984 world?
Annie Lennox: yeah but life was fucked when we had freedom so you're screwed either way.
Ciara: hey my song, my beats, my lyrics, my music video for "Promise", Beyonce copied it all for her "Dance For You" music video!
Humphrey Bogart sipping coffee: they got Folgers NOIR coffee in k-cups again!!!!!
Kathy Jacobs: age really is a state of mind. i started in Hollywood late so i'll last longer...
Billie Joe Armstrong: only because the Green Party kicked me out cos copyright. i became a punk under Margaret Thatcher, she was the coolest lady, she let me keep my mohawk green...
Elliott From Earth: look at us!
Elliott From Earth: i spell Elliott the same way that redhooded boy from E.T. did, except i'm escaping Earth not the other way around.
Professor Farnsworth: lucky.
Laertus: Elliott From Earth is the type of show that if i were a 10-year-old boy, this would be my Jetsons. my Smurfs. this would be my gateway to imagination, my escape to other worlds, portal for my wandering mind, as all young boys need.
Eye Luggage: your DuckTales, not the reboot.
Coach New York: Rex Ryan?
Rex Ryan: the perfume's not for me, it's for her toes...
Governor Newsom: i'd still look hot in a french-maid outfit...
Meredith Vieira: sorry, Clint...
Clint Eastwood: if i wanted a lap dance, i'd go to Obec.........oh yeah, forgot, there are no strip clubs in Obec, i made sure of that! a woman will NEVER be mayor of Obec in my live watch!
Meredith: cold hands make for bad lovers...
Mardith: i like your name, miss...
Dirg: when it's time for the Golden Bear male stripper, ever notice how it's always the fat chicks who are the most freaky?
Jack Nicklaus: what?
Laertus: you know what's creepy? all the anonymous comments down below telling you to identify the woman...
Eye: name her to shame her.
Bill Cosby: i thought i was the smartest man in the world, the smartest man in the room. remember when i overheard the family plot against me and i used that to humiliate them on The Cosby Show? but i wasn't that clever in real life...
Dirg: you know i can never tell how big a Hollywood woman's tits are when they're on the red carpet wearing a shirt...
Roger Federer: y'know, now that i'm retired and i watch tennis as a fan, tennis is boring.
Dirg: plant-based body wash for men?
Madame Pons: oh yeah! getting some for Takahashi!
Mardith: the pandemic's been hard, but we can't give up on our dreams...
Takahashi: i could have saved more of my fellow Asian brothers and sisters if only Instagram hadn't been down for that one hour...
Cotard to Codrus: that's not helping, brother! just saying Fuerza is old and needs attention, needs the vaccine first, on Inside Edition, that'll make the public turn against you! volunteer at a CVS with Bruce Willis then get back to me...
Kitten Kay Sera: Pink stole my act! i was the first gilf...
Alexandra Hay: i was Mena Suvari before Mena Suvari...
Faith No More: Red Hot Chili Peppers stole our whole act!
Laertus: what's with the man in the white MASTER t-shirt?
Bjork: contrary to Icelandic media, i'm not a dead fish in bed. i was in San Francisco ONCE, did you catch me? it later appeared in the "Bachelorette" music video...
Blanche from Golden Girls: can't we all just go back to the lanai? go back to the '80s? go back before this current horrible world is happening?
Sophia: even i can't forget!
Laertus: back when Florida was still friendly Disney country...
warmline: we need you to be more like Trent Reznor less like Marilyn Manson, okay, recruits?
Mardith: so we're just on a floating rock paying bills?
Gina De Vecchio: speaking of floating rocks, i'm taking mine and going home!
Madame Pons: why do all my girls love 365 Days?...
Potter's Electronics: cos applied science is magic...
Maeve: let's go on a rave...
Ankha: please don't, i'm Egyptian royalty...
Dr. Greg Postel does an Irish jig on the set of the Weather Channel:
Dr. Greg: i'm an impish little elf. i'm mischievous! i hate Texas...
Fiona Apple: wanna unlock me? or just reset my password?...
Marilyn Monroe: *breathily like Ginger from Gilligan's Island* i'm always on Main Street...
Audrey Hepburn: thank you, Elsa Peretti, for my hat...
Hall & Oates: people think "She's Gone" is about an ex-girlfriend but it's really about Janna Allen and how we miss her so...
Laertus: that CBS Sunday Morning segment on Love Story interviewing Ali and Ryan now was as beautiful as the film.
Adam Levine: i was right tho, there aren't any more bands. bands like The Band...
Dirg: the pressure of social media has led to more deaths than WWII...
Mardith: so...*looks at butterfly*...
Madame Pons: it's okay, dear, introverts make the best actresses...
Coby Whitmore: *fist on his chest* Long Live Mamba.*hits his easel on the curb like a skateboard...*
Coby: Kobe's values were vintage...
Madame Pons: here, dear, slip this cigarette on a long slender black stick under your tongue, wear these elbow-length pink diamond-encrusted gloves, now it doesn't hurt as much when you get jilted...
Mary Gross: Brian Doyle Murray, what could have been.........and we both did voices for Spongebob, too...
Serena Williams: i had to get oral surgery cos i was screaming so much for all those damn spring-breakers to get up off my property!!!
Oral Roberts: we specialize in jobs in cars and dentistry...
Eye Luggage: for the record, none of what Thomas Middleditch did has anything to do with goth culture, throw him out in a ditch in the middle of town.
Mardith: dude, Game Grumps, you do the hot tub NOW?!!!...
Laertus: making a film is such a communal experience, it brings a town together...
St. Patrick: as a wee lad i grew up at the Ballymun Flats......my favorite show was Good Times...
Table Mesa: what used to be King Arthur's Round Table...
Rick Moranis: look, i get it, okay? you clearly don't want me in this country no more, my country abandoned me first, my country is lost to me now, i'm going back to Canada...
Bhad Bhabie: so i'm doing a mad new rap with Paris Hilton, girl can spit fire when she's actually angry at something...
Shaun Weiss: i don't get it, i got new teeth for this...
Tress MacNeille: Berkeley hippies never die! i'll become a DJ at my age!
Dirg: come on, Modelo, celebrity barber?!!!...
Laertus: i need a woman to keep me in line.
at House of Lecter on campus:
Hannibal: why was everyone so scared of me? i was just the sommelier!
Doryce: i put a chain on my mud wallet when i go out to the reed-filled docks.........and i'm not talking about my dirty vagina...
Gladyce: dear you really need to pull those weeds...
Debora Iyall: no i wasn't the inspiration for the Cabbage Patch Kids. you wouldn't know about Godard if it wasn't for me! i'm the only American in this joint!
Laertus's dad: Romeo Void/Pat Benatar doublebill at the Bubblegum Crisis Club, those were the days...
Eye Luggage: my mom kept Cabbage Patch Kids hanging from her luggage...
Dirg: y'all listen, got any green beers? no more this week? green wine? oh that's just sour wine...
Laertus: Dirg, listen, don't go on reddit, especially don't go on Am I The Asshole, that stuff's not good for you...
Dirg: everyone sucks here.
Eye Luggage: AITA means help in Estonian...
Charlie Sheen: no no NO, i did use the tape but it said KICK ME, i swear!!!
Laertus: i would hire Sean Young in a New York minute, that showed drive, the drive of nine lives...
Rubikon: she was experienced, she knew the game...
Eye: don't call it a stunt, it was an audition like any other audition...
Shatner: nope, none of them, the only thing Star Trek i ever watched was this thing i caught late-night one night with this strange little chubby magic elf named Blue Belushi...
Madame Pons: *wipes a tear from her eye from her soft cheek* the first LUSH customer, John was a genius...
Gretchen Whitmer: i like my pillow men sane...
Tiger Woods bedridden in his mansion: i need to laugh right now, Warren, tell me a joke.
Warren Buffet: remember the time i brought you to your knees?
Tiger: oh yeah, at that San Francisco sex dungeon with the straps very much like the straps on this gurney i'm in...the anthem wasn't involved in any way...
Warren: you are a strapping lad. i'm in love with you, Eldrick Tont.
Tiger: DON'T CALL ME TAINT!!!!!
Vanessa Hudgens: rocking the cradle?! bitch i'm from Salinas we do what we want!!! i'm gonna revive the sport of baseball, those Alyssa Milano white girls don't got my swing.
Laertus: similarly, when a Spanish person speaks about something heartfelt, you feel it more, it's more sumptuous, the words give more sauce, Spanish is such a romantic language.
Dirg: i'm watching these telenovelas and they're weird, the plot of one of them apparently revolves around a cowboy peeing all over the toilet seat. revolves, see what i did there?
Laertus: but that's the plot of every Seinfeld episode...
Dirg: why is it that everyone i know online has only weeks to live?...
Stabler: so just a guess here but obviously my wife gets killed by the mafia so there's nothing messy standing in the way of what the fans have always wanted.........for me to adopt Noah...
Locast: Watch TV Till The Apocalypse Happens!
Ernest Hemingway: i was the modern-day Henry VIII. you know how i got Marlene Dietrich in my bed? i opened my letter to her with
dearest Kraut:
and i signed it
Papa
i became insecure after a yellow hand-puppet started calling me Ernie...
Kate Popky: that's not why you killed yourself! you were obsessed with that whale your whole life! well i'm here to save the whales from you! at the Monterey Aquarium slash Sports Center!
Sam from iCarly: that's not why you killed yourself. you were never a real person, you played a character your whole life, sound familiar? when you realized this, there was nowhere to hide...
Mark Hapka: oh no! i saw it at 11:10! i'm freaking the fuck out!
Madame Pons: Mardith dear, you're just doing an Instagram Live on the chance that he'll enter your stream at that exact time and you'll see him...
Mardith: i do all my Lives at exactly 11:11 for good luck...
Dirg: i could tell she was a college student, the snarky way she was online-writing..
Dale Bozzio: ...
cat familiars: OH NO!!! you were just Debbie Harry Lite! your cruelty to our kind cancels you!!!
Eye Luggage: i know i know, but if Barron Bump wants to join our goth ranks we have to help him...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Noah Baumbach: SOMEONE over here's itching to be the next Iphone Fellini...
Eye Luggage: The Rocky Horror Picture Show and go...
Laertus: now when someone asks you for a good Thanksgiving movie tell em The Rocky Horror Picture Show!
Victoria Justice: this whole Rocky Horror thing was supposed to be my big break......well my second big break...
Dirg: this thing was a bomb. the only thing that rescued it was that people in the audience started to pretend they were the actors they were seeing up on the screen. without the PARTICIPATION this never would have made it to Australia. it even bombed in New York City!
Eye: yeah i never got the participation rules, like the items you're meant to throw at the screen at particular times are weird, they don't correspond to the script. there's bread i know that, i like bread. and bubblegum and oil you throw at the screen, janitors HATE this movie!
Doc Brown throws toilet paper at the screen...
Tim Curry: i was born to play this part. not basketball tho i was taller when i was younger. without me the '60s Counterculture would never have integrated into the country you know today...
Susan Sarandon: i was Milana Vayntrub before Milana Vaynntrub. i was sick throughout this, not from the horror.
Barry Bostwick: i look different without the gray. did i really need the glasses? my name sounds like i drink a lot of chocolate milk.
Dirg: anyone else thought Riff Raff and Magenta were lovers?
Riff Raff: this play is so cheeky i think we're trying hard to intimate that we ARE lovers even though we're brother and sister. this thing WENT for it.
Magenta: i have the best phone plan...
Little Nell: i was the only one who really got screwed in the end...
Little Edie: nope...
Peter Hinwood: i don't care what you say, He-Man was based off me...
Meat Loaf: people remember me for this more than my songs. people throw stuff at ME whenever they see me cos they're mad my big-ass motorcycle hogs all the space down the middle of the theater that there's no room to breathe or have a red carpet...
Hilary Farr: i play Melissa Maker in the movie. Broadway killed my dream of design cos they never opened up again. i had big enough tits to play Katniss. i wanted to be in something substantial, like the M*A*S*H film by Altman...
Laertus: and away we go.
Eye: all a woman wants to do is marry well. that's her only source of excitement...
Laertus: in the sleepy little town of Denton, USA. not dentist. you know i always get this and Little Shop of Horrors confused, i was expecting the dentist scene here and was baffled why it never came...
Dirg: wait do transvestites come first or does Transylvania come first? what is named for what?
Laertus: be honest, Dirg, when Dr. Frank N. Furter makes his grand entrance, that truly finally made you gay.
Dirg: the Time Warp dance tho, why is everyone going back in time, or is it forward in time? is it a TimeWarner thing?
Dirg: oh, Rocky Horror can't talk but he can sing!
Steve Reeves: i'm not Scottish. i got addicted to Vanquish after my shoulder dislocation...
Tim Curry: Advil Gel, baby! i told you!
Steve Reeves: i never had kids. it's sad cos they would have enjoyed that Hercules cartoon...
Laertus: the secret to life itself is a dude with blond hair? dangerous.
Dirg: and things just took a turn, i mean this is dark stuff. this is where the horror comes in. throw blood at the screen! i mean they just offed a brain-donor with half his brain, it wasn't his fault he was the way he was, that's killing a cripple.
Tim Curry with pickaxe: it was a mercy killing. i didn't want another Texas ice situation. i should have played Sideshow Bob...
Frank: i was quite lusty in this wasn't i.
Eye: okay now you have to admit that Frank seducing BOTH the man and the woman is legendary. historic. it's the first time fluid sexuality is depicted on screen. i don't consider this rape but then again this is horror comedy not horror.
Susan Sarandon: tricking a woman to play nurse, oldest shame in the book. yeah, everyone, let's all just get naked! let's all strip down to our skivvies for no reason!
Dirg: and suddenly this becomes Dr. Strangelove...release the hounds!
Fox Mulder: the government finally having to explain UFOs...it's gonna get messy...
Madame Pons: a tank is a very sensual place to make love, good place to think...
Mardith: sound the singing bowl!!! soup's on!!!
Pat: oh miracle! an electric can-opener that works!!!
Dirg: okay that's some fucked-up shit, they were eating meat the whole time, as in literally Meat! they were eating meatloaf! the man Meat Loaf!
Dirg: yeah, pretty girls with boobs get all the luck in life, save some for the they.
Medusa: for the record, i turn people into stone, i don't turn them naked.
Dirg: and then a long protracted scene of cabaret dancing, a swimming pool, and King Kong for some reason. Hemingway would have loved this, this was his time.
Laertus: it's tru tho, you gotta BE it, not dream it.
Dirg: hey let the man live, he's from the college world AND in a wheelchair! he will be leading the Great Reset...
Dirg: He-Man would have been better if Castle Grayskull lifted up like a rocket like that.
He-Man: who says that it didn't...
Boc: i do not like how Frank has to be killed.
Laertus: this is supposed to be as campy as can be, but you know, i found great resonance with the ending here, a serious meditation on the human condition. we ARE just insects crawling on the ground of this strange unknown rock we call Earth, crawling in the Chester Bennington dirt, lost in time space and meaning. g'night, folks.
Eye: full circle, the red-lipsticked mouth at the beginning was Frank's mouth, we learn later. g'night, folks.
Dirg: still can't believe this is considered a Halloween movie. g'night, folks...
Ebert: so what is this movie about? what ALL movies are about: sex. the pursuit of sex. trying to get laid. doing whatever you have to do to fuck. but you know what this movie is? it's a triumph of gay art. the world could no longer hide, they had to accept it. g'night, folks.
but Dirg doesn't leave, there are still a lot of differing various people in the club, the Student Centre is busy and active tonight:
Takahashi to Jillian Clare: i can't believe you of all people are a gamer! with the blatant misogyny and violence in the gaming community...all the half-dressed female characters...this is the toxic cesspool from whence all the Sam Hyde paramilitary store-oranges anti-anti right-wing Rambo-wannabe incels come from...
Tucker Carlson: my Republican blood cells are too manly for the vaccine...
Jillian Clare: i play for the stories. there, that's my Playboy articles excuse.
Tina Fey to Paula Abdul: it's still an honor. i mean you don't see Simon Cowell up here on this stage hosting SNL now do you.
Nick Cave: what a delightful festive troupe! the boys, but the girls are kicking our arses! you know when Rocky Horror came to Australia it ALMOST knocked me off my ledge atop the perch. people couldn't get enough of how i transformed the campy "Shivers" song into a serious dirge about teen suicide. anybody celebrating a birthday this week? sorry.
Milana Vayntrub: boys are dumb. you had this glorious body before you and now this inestimable privilege will be taken from your eyes simply because you couldn't honor it.
JUST THEN a huge sucking sound comes from behind the stage. a sucking-in. a great ball of fire fights its way to the centre stage biting through cloth, roping around and tearing the curtain through red, white, and yellow teeth tainted with orange tartar. all the tartar sauce is gone in a flash, in one fell swoop of hot crushing air. the fire bends in on itself and pushes outward in a MASSIVE bomb of an explosion that no bath bomb could ever hope to douse. the Student Centre is black and bloodied and crackling with flames.
Galivant: oh shit! where's Pat???!!!
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