Rachel Maddow: i was the Farrah Fawcett of my high school...
Bump: the bigly biglie Big Lie...
Walt Disney: shit on me all you want but my characters are the only ones who make children all over the world smile in hospitals, even the Arab world...
Trent Reznor: i'm Marilyn Manson without the mess...
Galivant: so where are you going for spring break?
Pat: i was thinking Rome...
Galivant: yeah but you're going for your PhD! there's no spring break for you! you're a REAL student!!!
Pat: everyone needs a break. wanna come?
Galivant: FINALLY you ask! but i cum without your permission...
Pat: i was thinking take in some gelato in my belly, take in some museums...
Galivant: i heard someone painted a mask over the Mona Lisa smile, that should be interesting to see...
Pat: there's an exhibition where all the teenage college students of Rome take to the streets and in one big body-art body-language exhibition they all lie down on the cobblestone head to foot and have the biggest fucking foam party this side of a German rave. but all the foam is really HAND SANITIZER bubbles...
Galivant: just promise me you won't cross the border and go back to the UK...your school's NYC now...
Stephanie Abrams: it's Big Tit Week! i mean Big Rig Week here at The Weather Channel!...
Mardith starts an inhouse greeting-card business and Madame Pons helps with the ribbon and rope on the side...
Craig Melvin bumps into Bryant Gumbel on the set of Today:
Craig: i'm the new you. except my white wife is hotter than yours.
Hilary Clinton: we get it, you're both Democrats...
Bryant: new toy. punkass kid. i honor Kobe. i make better gumbo than Forrest Gump. i made the chair you sit on...
Craig: sit on it! i'm not a punk i enjoy punk music.
Bryant: YEAH BUT HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON SNL, YOUNGBLOOD?!!!
Annie Lennox: the "No More 'I Love Yous'" video, i predicted Handmaid's Tale...
Madame Pons hugs Mardith:
Madame Pons: i love your taste in music it's so eclectic. i'd travel the ends of the Earth for good music. YOU teach ME.
Mardith: when i listen to Annie Lennox i get transported. i'm following Annie on tiptoe high in the mountains on a precarious vine-bridge in the high trees, both of us naked, sky full of mist and fog. Annie shoots me that crazed look and i shoot her one back. we both assume the monkey stance. we've escaped the mental ward on the hill and we're not looking back. we're gonna escape to our latibule in the lakes. just a name. Annie Lennox was the original Titan. she writes beautiful music by crazy people for crazy people that can only be appreciated by crazy people.
Gordon Ramsay: sauces are put on dishes when the food itself doesn't hold up...
Cecily Strong: SNL is good but it's also disposable pop culture...
Jillian Clare: they're dark-brown not black eyes okay?! i've been made faded and cynical by show business.
Pat: i know what heaven is. it's with you my brown-skinned maritime wavy splashy courtesan in an Ancient Roman pink-seashell bed fluttering white sheets in the blue moon wind little tiny waterfalls on each side obscuring the view of the populi that we're trying anal for the first time. we finally went out to drinks!! i thought it said Bears like Chicago Bears on his beanie but it said Beers...
Rachel Luba steps into LUSH. Madame Pons shakes her hand furiously.
Madame Pons: love the February hair. may i have permission to call you hot? you're my hero. in for a loofa? no lube here...
Rachel Luba: is there a location in my hometown?
Pons: no, ma'am, only ritzy Obec, none in Monterey, wink wink...
Rachel: got any balls?
Pons: *eyes light up* why yes!
Rachel: no, baseballs...
Jim Belushi: look at that high eyebrow-arch of mine on my face, i coulda played Bluto AND Popeye!!! sorry, Robin Williams...
Cassie in New York: i couldn't eat a big apple.........get it?
Cassie: we wanted a red apple but they only had green apples...
Celine: just popping in like The Muppet Show. stepping into the office to say i'm writing the next Before film and yes it's gonna take place in New York City and yes Cassie is gonna be in it, i don't need to be pretty anymore...
Eye Luggage: wait why is the emoji for wind a woman? that's rather sexist...
Dirg: that's not a woman that's the Wind God, a hippie with long hair...
Laertus: hippies were the first attempt at Bowie androgyny, men with long hair...
Barbara Ess: i don't wear a cup. i put on my big-boy pants, battle in my Y-wing. my photography was rich in black, white, and a scraggly piece of hair-brown. i was the snake? i AM the snake! not mean, merely gobbling up mere mortals. saving Velma...
Tyzik: that one Instagram follower who laugh-emojis everytime you post a lost soul who has passed away with the sober praying-hands emoji and R.I.P....
Emma Meisel: yeah but what's the great show of today? what's the Seinfeld of 2020? what's the ER of 2020?...
Madame Pons: one of my girls says polyamory saved her life...
Takahashi: certainly didn't hurt when her father The Penguin was arrested for arson of the Iceberg Lounge...she was finally free from his web-footed clutches...
Dirg: Paris Hilton looked hot as a cop...
Laertus: you just have to accept the fact that you lost the election. you lost the Civil War. again...
Bill Murray: for some reason young hot stacked nubile Hollywood actress starlets all love me...
Trent Reznor: i joined a suicide-prevention hotline with Spalding Gray, Reach Today, and Comedy Central...
Jillian Clare: unforeseen deaths have affected me, i'm dead inside hence my blank stare. i'm not a black widow, man Trous was the truth...
Mardith: when you're constantly posting on Instagram about how great your marriage is, that you found what others never find, i mean why tempt fate like that?...
Amanda Gorman: that's the problem, it only lasts one day. and then the next day you gotta be buzzed into your own place...
Eddie Murphy: i really am related to the President. my middle name really is Reagan. Brooklyn, the land of the seed of ALL uncensored intellectual dangerous creativity. New York, the most dangerous city in the world...
Stewie Griffin: you have to understand, Family Guy was never meant to go on for this long. our writers are spent, there is literally NOTHING left for us to do...
Doryce: so what, are the two of us McHags now?...
Green Day: we were inspired for Dookie by the Bedtime for Democracy cover...
Doryce: i'm going into a Budgens to free Bogie the budgie. fly birdie fly! free, birdie, free!
Takahashi: yesterday i had an insane amount of free time. 20 hours to spare. i bought AND beat a brand-new video game i had never seen before IN ONE DAY, do you know how depressing that is?...
Dirg: i need to start running again...
Laertus: again?
Dirg: running briskly. a brisk walk, his presidency was such a breath of fresh air, you know? not the same ol staid same ol. brisk like iced tea. a stroll in below-freezing temps, really taste the frigid air in my mouth...
Mardith: don't look at me...
Laertus: you'd never make it, you're already the body-type of a snowman...
Masako Katsura: not the mangaka, the billiards queen. i hope the Black Widow of today who stole my whole act recovers...
Tim Curry: Meatloaf tastes better with curry. i was pretty when i was young...
Dirg: everytime if i'm lucky on my Instagram i get that one important hot Hollywood celeb babe on my Stories, the Algorithm grants me but ONE...
Michael Weiss: i block her every time...
Dirg: yours?
Michael: yours...
Vincent Schiavelli: i played the first recurring gay character on American tv! i was more than a hulking Frankenstein...
Jack Tripper: remember my show things got taken to the next level whenever you were gonna spend the weekend in the mountains with your date, that was when things got serious...
Rekka from Fire Force: C-C-C-C-C-COCAINE!!!
Doryce: i know. the '80s. Indio. Palm Springs. Napa. watching golf. Stouffer's french-bread pizza on a beaded rag burning the roof of your mouth. but the Stouffer's ones are runny, the Red Baron french-bread pizzas are more firm, more substantial...
Dirg: more manly...
Gladyce: i get so hungry it takes too long to prepare the mushroom omelette i have to eat before i wash the dirty pots and pans.
Doryce: our next jaunt is to SFMOMA.
Gladyce: the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art.
Doryce: i want to see the display of Mister Rogers giving the finger.
Gladyce: i want to see Martin Yan! he lives there, right?
Madame Pons: i want to work there! that's where the Love Boat is, right?
Steven Gundry MD: *turns on lectern* think a banana is good for you? think again. think an egg is good for you? think again. think combining a banana and an egg is good for you? think again. think you're human? think again. you're just a combination of a banana and an egg...
Michael Weiss in a pink-bunny suit eating a celery: i have a question...
Tyzik: let's see with these 7 new facebook-group suggestions if facebook is any closer to figuring out who i am...
Mariam Nour: i'm the Lebanese Amy Goodman...
Michael Weiss in a Donald Duck sailor hat: TikTok, one step below OnlyFans...
Laertus: there's one word that's worse than moist: sharted
Dirg: you gotta be careful when texting,
you are my friend!
is much different from
you are my friend?
Laertus: Dirg, International Women's Day is not your day to fuck...
Mardith: i don't want to go onto his Instagram again. everytime i enter his Instagram Stories after a long absence it just reminds me of a world i will never enter...
Dirg: but it's the Congresspeople in Washington who are the hard-of-hearing ones...
crones: the Everard Baths are open to everyone...
Takahashi: any desert place in the middle of California is always the same: one The Habit Burger Grill drivethru, one Starbucks drivethru, miles and miles of hot white sidewalk on sand...
Becky Blasband: the first season of The Real World was different. it was substantial. why didn't MTV make 30 seasons of OUR Season 1? this coulda been appointment television, a show that mattered like SNL to change society...
Dirg: adult-contemporary, huh?...
Dirg: if you're an L.A. actor kid, you loiter in one of two places: Joshua Tree, Disneyland...
Lucy Kirk: i was the only one who actually got a bearskin-spread of Freddie Mercury...
Rick Rodgers: i am the only man Aaron Rodgers is scared of...
Dirg: if i ever had a Fatal Attraction situation where a crazy chick was trying to kill me, that would be so hot to me. i was worthy enough of a human being to be loved that way...
Mardith: well chased that way, love is obsession but obsession is not love...
Madame Pons: unlike men women can take the hint...
Laertus: he's just not that into you...
Doryce: you gotta use THIS milk bottle, THIS bottle of milk, the expiration date is my birthday!
Bill Murray: see? my lisp doesn't affect the chicks thing...
Robin Williams: we all wear masks...
Minerva Magazine: we don't only do the searching for Hitler's tomb...
Alex Trebek: i've dated every woman. EVERY SINGLE WOMAN
LeafFilter joins the suicide-prevention hotline...
Laertus: you're only religious cos you were raised in Florida...
Michael Weiss in a greenscreen booth: i don't get TikTok, it's too short...
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Natalie Portman: flavored was our slang word on Beautiful Girls.
Laura Linney: dense.
Kool-Aid Man: oh yeah!
Natalie Portman: there was a scene where Willie hands me a packet of Kool-Aid powder until Woody Allen nixed it...
Natalie Portman: Chris D'Elia, we don't want your kind round these parts, kindly turn around and go back where you came from on the swan what brung ya. swim away on the frozen pond...
Natalie Portman: now if you'll excuse me i have a Honey-Nut Cheerios commercial to film...
Eye Luggage: Roman Holiday and go...
Dirg: i mean the tits thing tho, right? one secret producer who i'm sure was a Communist described Audrey Hepburn as perfect for this role cos she had no tits, no ass, no tightfitting clothes, no heels. didn't know people said tits in the '50s...
Gina Lollobrigida, age 93: hey, anti-Italian sentiment is real. it has caused my people a lifetime world of hurt.
Lucio Rossi: anti-curves, too, my bubble butt went through the ringer. Italians aren't just pizza, spaghetti, the mafia, and being supersmart unlike Mario Lopez...
Marvin: why didn't you fuck me? i coulda easily fit inside your vagina.
Audrey Hepburn: when it comes to my fellow Martians i date men not boys. it's like when Sophia Loren first saw Tyrone Power...
Sophia Loren: que bello
Audrey: Martian Manhunter is a man. this was my very first film and i won the Academy Award for it! that portended the future, huh.
Laertus: the ingenious ingenue! the daring debutante! the stinging starlet!
Eye: not darling debutante. i would have accepted dashing debutante...
Natalie Portman: you know i'm known as the modern-day Audrey Hepburn...
Audrey Hepburn: i don't see it.
Laertus: in all fairness the acting here is just...passable from you, Audrey. at least at first, at the start, which is perfectly expected as this is your first role. you do become more lived-in at the end. Gregory Peck's no showstopper, he's just sorta there, playing Tall Dark and Handsome.
Gregory Peck: the Italian summers down there were murder! i HAD to wear Audrey's silk nightgown to keep cool! it was like a Twilight Zone episode! it was like i was on trial, fighting for my life! the studio system forced me to go down to the Riviera cos they wanted that to be the new location for Hollywood! i hadn't the heart to tell them the only palm trees they'd find there would be in gelato cups as toothpicks. i didn't want this role, i wanted to play Woody Woodpecker!
Audrey: i was quite peckish when i was down there filming, the studio system said i could only eat gelato. i was so skinny i purposely fell into the river during the water scene so i could drink the Tiber. i wanted another part but Katharine Hepburn kept getting all my parts!!! they were confusing YOU for ME!!!
Katharine Hepburn: you dumb bitch! people think we're related but we're not!.........i know, it's the strangest most confounding thing in the world, as Hepburn is not exactly a common name, we were both stars of the Golden Era around the same time, it's inconceivable that we weren't sisters or something...
Dirg: when men were men! when men were men?
Eye: i'm sorry but Eddie Albert. yeah. it's very strange, i look at him in this film and he literally looks like a being from another time period, he looks like an actor from now from the 2000s, he's Scott Grimes from ER. or better yet he's Scott Grimes from The Orville who took that ship back in time! he's supposed to be a Russian? did i detect a Russian accent ONCE?!!
Eddie Albert: i have no idea what i was doing with that young naked girl hanging over my two-storey apartment but i assure you it was NOT shooting her for Playboy...
Eddie Albert: that scene in the picture where i talk about my local girlfriend...i married in real life Margo, a woman so exotic and mysterious she only had one name...
Codrus: i recognize all these filming locations in and around Rome...
Margaret Rawlings: i was Velma before Velma...
Alfredo Rizzo: i was the smart man, never leave a drunk girl in your cab, that's only trouble later.
Dirg shakes Rizzo's hand then goes to shake it and pulls out at the last minute to air-comb his greasy hair...
the barber: i saved Audrey Hepburn! by cutting her hair short those bangs weren't doing her any favors.
Cher: i did that first!
Jennifer Aniston: no me!
Audrey: would you believe me if i told you i played baseball not softball for my college team...
Laertus: okay your two screams in this film are wonderful. the first one where you go crazy in bed or was that your acting? and the second one when you think Gregory Peck's hand has been chopped off.
Audrey: honestly that would have made Gregory Peck a better lover...
Natalie Portman: yes women go nude to bed. or in my era only wearing the pajama BOTTOMS...
Eye: oooh the way you crane your neck like that, girl, that's painful, that's chiropracty in Medieval times. your ha! shows you're a playful sprite. why does everyone always escape palaces in laundry trucks?...
Eye: she's already dead inside cos she's a woman in the '50s. not a sedative just a 7-Up soda pill. the girl knows Shelley. AND Keats!, she must not be THAT drunk. get around the two-bed thing with a cot.
Meghan Markle: DON'T PAY FOR THE EXCLUSIVE!!! it'll ruin all lives involved! being a princess ain't all it's cracked up to be!
Audrey: look how pretty i am, i'm impossibly pretty.
Gregory: you're obviously a soothsayer. ah the Colosseum, where the Olympics will always be played...
Audrey: until the coronavirus...
Eye: there are no shoes small enough to fit a woman's feet. that's a lot of damage caused by that vespa...
Dirg: just bat your eyelashes, Audrey, and the cop'll let you go...or the taximan...
Eddie Albert: i shot the princess with the barber. with my camera that is. it would have been a worldwide scandal! but the barber wouldn't play along...
the barber: you're cute for a 2020 man...
Rubikon: and now my favorite scene, the river scene. with the obligatory totally-staged man-on-man fist-to-fist wedding-party-crasher scene. cos every wedding party MUST be crashed. and the perfunctory kiss between the leads...
Laertus: okay the acting starts to get better here. when you're crying, Audrey, i feel your deep inner turmoil. you want to abdicate so badly but you can't, rigid responsibility over true love, the pain in your eyes, you're trapped in a cage.
Meghan: and Peter Brady ain't coming in on a white horse to save you...
Peck: you're shivering...am i that frigid in bed?
Audrey: yes but i still love you. don't watch me as i exit the cab and go inside the palace, i don't want you to see i have no ass...
Peck: men can't cry so just forget about me. then when you see a man crying it won't be me...
Audrey: promise me you won't become a porn star...
Eddie Albert: when we looked at the photographs more closely we found Princess Ann was holding Jimi Hendrix's electric guitar...
Audrey: i've had better breakfasts in the U.S....i love those IHOP burritos!
Laertus: great acting at the end there. Audrey's trying to keep a stiff upper-lip, a fake smile for the press, but you know she's shaking inside.
Eye: how it shoulda gone down:
Audrey: so happy. i shall never be happy again. i shall cherish my time in Rome most of all. for all my days. can i give that random American reporter there a kiss? my tongue in his ear the Italian kiss...
Gregory: and then i stand in an empty church for a fucking whole hour. and i walk away slowly taking a fucking whole hour of screentime!!! i had to endure being blacklisted and suicide. i think the current Pope is hot but i prefer my priests like these two knucklehead monks here. Chirac wanted us to do the film in France, he bribed me with chiclets. cos of me you have the All-American Cheryl Tiegs...
Audrey: my romances were straight out of a script! Gregory sloppied me off to Ferrer cos he didn't want to have to deal with me. my last relationship was the best, he was my kept-boy who went to all my aerobics classes with me. without me the UN would have dissolved and there'd be no defence against Brexit creep. i'm glad the blacklisted writer for our little film Roman Holiday finally got the credit.
Eye: okay Roman Holiday sequels. Princess Ann defects and takes Joe to Wattstax.
Dirg: and then they go to Berkeley to form the band Isocracy. Audrey Hepburn finally wears pantisocracy pants not that Miyazaki anime-girl outfit she wore for this film.
Laertus: a generation later and a little band called Live forms on the Susquehanna from the ashes of Samuel Taylor Coleridge's Pantisocracy...
Laertus: you know within the first two minutes in watching this film i blessed the clouds above for this life, that this life included films, that films were a thing, they they existed. i cried during the introductory fake wartime-footage reel scene at the start there and just celebrated that we have trillions of films to enjoy, dissect, and savor. g'night, folks.
Galivant: i came as soon as i could. what is up?
Pat: a lot. Tyzik had to come to bail me out of an Italian jail when you were late. no roommate orgies involved, he did take pics tho...
Galivant: i'm never late, you just don't see me...
Pat: as people over at Rome started mistaking me for Prince i had to run away and couldn't hide anywhere. the gelato was really frozen vanilla extract. i had to eat my shoe. someone dumped roses on my head. i shaved my head earlier to avoid Recognition so all the thorns made me look like Pinhead. Nadal stepped on my toes.
Galivant: i know, didn't you see me at the Colosseum? i presented you with a yellow vespa from FLCL.
Pat: i seriously thought the Mouth of Truth was Olmec so i stole him off the grounds and tried to abscond with Olmec until Olmec i mean the Mouth of Truth ate me. i woke in an Italian jail suicidal, thank goddess Courtney Love was there to bail me out...
Galivant: now you're learning...
Galivant: you're stressing all over the place. you're not being yourself. is the matter your major? or is it Masonic? you're not telling me something, what's with you. why are you acting flavored? it can't just be the gelato. you so crazy, that's why i love you. now calm down and tell me and Fox Mulder here the story.
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