Friday, December 24, 2021




* Doryce: what's that buzzing sound? it's not my vibrator.
Glaydce: it's the portable heater, dear. not DoorDash GrubHub...

* Dr. Greg at the Weather Channel: now you know why i wear those sweaters and waterproof vests all the time.........i drink wine in California where the grapes are just-right temperate......

* NoizeBoy: i'm trying to fit into the Bath Fitter job, the culture here is wet and wild.

* Doryce: i see visions of dancing Wendy's black ridged plastic mini-trays of eaten french fries with the nacho cheese melted and hardened into crust on the edge of the tray impossible to scrape off with my witch's fingernail in my head...

* Queue B: i don't want frenemies, i just want to go to The Store

* Gladyce: frozen chicken is SO good.........but it has to be cooked in the microwave PERFECTLY.

* Eileen Gu on top of a snowy skislope: therefore...

* icky thump: no Bump. there's never been a need for a Mexican Wall.........i knew this 14 years ago...

* Alfred E Neuman: okay i was in the Martin Page "Keeper of the Flame" music video, too. well my creepy mask was...

* Kevin Durant: sorry, man, i just wish i was back in 8th Grade, you know? my life was simpler then.

* Copper Socks
1-800-GOT-JUNK blue-mini-truck driver: *doing the chacha*  hey you wanna dance?
Brett Favre: no, man.

sergeant: we're out here at this abandoned warehouse in Reseda to prove a point, we're doing war exercises just in case.
Phoenix: wait is this a video-game thing or...?
sergeant: Star Wars.
Phoenix: which one?
sergeant: i need these copper socks on my feet.
Phoenix: where's your helmet with the silver shades?

* James Bond: know why i look so cool skiing? champagne snow.

* James Webb Space Telescope: we're using the retro recipe of Honeycomb cereal. 

* Walgreens Beth
Beth: last-minute gift? how exciting! oh it's not for me. son of a...
Walgreens bike messenger: Beth?
Beth: no, bitch. everyone's a bitch. not just Ryan Seacrest. where's my goddamn Disney yacht? where's MY Keanu?!!! I was supposed to play the President on 24!!! where's my grandchild!!!?

* VRBO: your house is not yet a home. you need to fuck and make kids for that. that robot's not a toy it's your master. your gym where you PROUDLY NOW display the Peloton that killed Chris Noth. the music room where you will never produce an album cos you can't even play the drums. your bed which is simply the dog's bed now. mini-Buddha in your yoga shanti where you find out that trying to secure a date with one of those Instagram yoga babes is actually impossible. your science project of the baking-soda volcano is going to regionals!!! 

dog: why are there doors? just have no doors.

panic room: in case you have kids...

VRBO: what you need is that mansion on a hill with the pool top-floor owned by that eccentric Lakers fan, no not Jack Nicholson the other one with the long gray curly hair and black cowboy hat...

* Craig Robinson: why aren't there three pizzas? Triple Treat means to me three pizzas. like my Santa hat made out of the Pizza Hut tiffany lamp?...

* Kohl's: get a Ninja Foodi that somehow grills corn-on-the-cob! and a Nintendo Game Boy that only orders grocery food!

* Mastercard
dog: kissing you so you stop that ridiculous yoga move...
dog: i will mute your Zoom calls forever with my paw...
dog: hey kid gimme that ice cream. yeah, a dog eating ice cream, that sounds like a good idea.
dog: i invented beach soccer, it just took a chewtoy and my digging skills.
dog: oh master! i got your sex toy out of the box!
dog: hey baby i ain't a dog. i'm a Muppet!

dad: um, Lily? can i have a lollipop? that would finally fulfill a fantasy of mine i've had since 5th Grade when i slept overnight in a treehouse.
Lily: dude your wife is literally standing next to you.

Colonel Sanders: avoid the lines and deliver with the app. free fries but you have to call them Freedom Fries...

* TJ Maxx: take an item and a new item appears!!! so you think you're gonna pay for one thing but your Christmas bill ends up destroying you and we swallow your mortgage and you lose your home. get all your home furnishings at TJ Maxx!!!

* Dr. Rick at Progressive: MUGS ARE FOR COFFEE NOT DAD JOKES
Phoenix: FINALLY got it!!

don't worry, Santa's mailbox isn't full, keep texting him, he'll respond. he'll at least give you a Seen. do something for me tonight, stay up all night, don't go to sleep.........let's just see what happens...

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