Wednesday, December 8, 2021



Jillian Clare wears a tiny pinbutton of Rugrats on her jean-shirt lapel. Suzy Lu wears a tiny pinbutton on her brown Girl Scout lapel that reads 

Stussy is not sussy

Jillian: not smooth move, exlax. you're on my home turf, we're at Disneyland!
Suzy: so? i'm running for SAG AFTRA President, too. 
Jillian: come on, you're British, you have no connections.
Suzy: not over here but i do in England. all of them! all the Hogwarts people and all the Emmas and all the Sirs including that fat King Lear. and Mr. Bean.
Jillian: if you know JK Rowling you're automatically disqualified.

Jillian: what's this about?
Suzy: you thought you could just glide on in there unchallenged, huh. waltz on in there with walnuts. i got a secret weapon up my sleeve, he's stealthy.
Jillian: fine whatever, i hereby declare war on you.
Suzy: oooooh, very Madara.

Jillian: come on, Monica, let's start. you hand out the bundt cakes here along Main Street and i'll get into my bikini and attack Splash Mountain handing out my homemade personalized birthday cakes with that very rare boba-ball icing that only i know how to make and bake.
Suzy: now see? doozy. that's unfair! you're just winning votes with eggs starch and cream! NOT FAIR NOT FAIR!!!
Jillian: get a hobby. get a job. get a career. whatever not my fault.
Suzy: get a life, missy.

Sasha Grey sings "Sandcastles In The Sky" at church.

Joe Pera: look i'm sorry but if i have to choose i'm going with In N Out Burger not the local Michigan mom-and-pop joint. take one look at me, i'm not into creepy dolls. plus i need that In-N-Out money to keep my show going, to keep it afloat, i get virtually zero viewers...

Elle: i stole the camera my desert hunter was using from his person and fled to the city, that body looked lifeless in the sand. i used the camera to take sightseeing snaps, photos of all the pretty neon lights...

Pearl Jam: we're the Betty White of the Seattle bands...

Penobscot: home of Burnsy. not Scott Van Pelt. the place of a thousand frozen hop-scotches. where the Addams Family curse can be wrested from the grimy clutches of pornography and take a break.
Lisa Loring: look for my new talk show, Lisa Loring Michelangelo, Wednesdays on Tubi Streaming...

Jon Peters: three words: Van Nuys, baby. do i not have the perfect porn name or what?!  i made Barbra Streisand wear a tux.

Kathy Griffin: just kidding it's whippits. what, i'm a comedian. these pills i take are for forgetting Anderson Cooper ever existed.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge: i feel ya, lady. like returning into a volcano from a political-party convention.

Ree Drummond: i'm an anomaly in Hollywood. i'm wildly successful but i look like a witch. i know, i realize my face makes people uncomfortable...

Dirg: when you kill someone, immediately light up a cigarette, this is all i've ever learned from Blade Runner...

caesarstone: Julius was Israeli, not Italian...

Mardith sticks her microphone under the nose of the Nimblewill Nomad.
NN: i thought i was hiking this trail for love...
Mardith: the nimbleweed better be back there on my front lawn when i get back, i better be tripping over the stuff!

Alison Sieke and Circus Coo hop the picket fence into a private lawn at night.
Alison: you sure about this? is this okay?
Coo: sure. we're under cover of night.
Alison: we weren't e-vited. or invited.
Coo: no one is. that's the trick, that's why these parties are so exclusive, no one is invited, you have to put on your Carmen Sandiego hat and find them on your own.
Alison: it's my birthday.
Coo: you mean your BIrthday.
Alison: shhhhhh, not on Insta, my dad can't see this, i still want us to be roommates...

Van Gogh at San Jose: bring your coffee...
Andre Rieu: wasn't me. i didn't do the crime. look at me.
van Gogh: don't run an art studio if you can't handle the heat.

Victor Aguilera at KQED: i'm Tony Reali with tats. 
Carly Severn: that was the trivia question that won it for me at Bay Curious.
Pat: if you look at the giant letters in front of the Silver Spaceship when the moon glints it that certain way it looks like LEWD.

Aisha Tyler: why wasn't i the voice of the owl huntress? it was perfect, the Squidbillies and Archer studios are adjacent in Atlanta!

Puck from Real World: i got Julia Ioffe now...

semifreddo: i'm not Chris Cuomo

Frandor: we welcome all hobbits.

Codrus: Compagnon, the bread baked inside our cloister bell.
Cotard: do NOT talk about your pretty young assistant with the tats and the septum ring.
Codrus: she rivals Mary Jane Watson in spunk. and her nose is flowerier than Florence's or her slippery Machine's.

Doryce: i hate gloomy overcast days, all it means is the electric bill goes up cos you gotta keep the lights on more.
Gladyce: i light myself with the flame of prayer, dear.

Ron's Coaches: no Kim Possible porn here, we're an inspirational organization. we service Ron Rivera's cancer research funds.
Paul McCartney: mate i serviced one of your rare double-decker buses for my wedding anniversary with Yoko and there were actual cockroaches in there. i thought that was just an expression, you know, roach motel. maybe the carpet on the ceiling is a bad idea but what do i know i'm from Liverpool. working class. meet my daughter Stella, she became a fashion kween cos she couldn't go to her prom cos there are no proms in Britain.

Maiara Walsh and Mesay are inside the Gold Ball of the Ewok treehouse. waterfalls spill out the windows, the bed corners on all sides with room-sized pink seashells. the bedroom chamber looks like Botticelli's The Birth of Venus. a panda stuffed-animal and a Coke bottle lie on the bed.
Maiara: we should have plenty of privacy here. i knew you had broad shoulders but damn, your chest is rock hard and curly.
Mesay: that's not the only thing.
Maiara: while we're in the process of orgasming together i want you to look ONLY at my blue eyes.
Mesay: not hard to do.
Maiara: know why i dye my hair blue? to make my blue eyes pop EVEN MORE.
Mesay: *sweating* that's impossible. your blue eyes are gems gifted to the world by the Goddess Herself Fuerza. you're not a woman you're an angel, an actual angel. your beauty is insane yet your're too nice to be a devil.
Maiara: need a hug?
Mesay: i've been dreaming of this day my whole life, que mi vida, not the sex, the hug. see before i was just another one of your billion online admirers who got a virtual hug from you with an anonymous emoji. what's with the plastic yellow chains around your neck? 
Maiara: *in Marge Simpson grunt* i'm into BDSM but only halfway, i like to dip my toe in it but that's it. we'll get into that stuff later.
Mesay making the sign of the cross on his fogged glasses: my god.

Maiara: ready? we will fuck standing up. as i guide you through this, never remove your gaze from my eyes, never avert to any corner of the room, look deep into my eyes as you cum.
their bodies, their core trunks are pressed together like two giant hydrants swishing and swashing in the center of their collective bellybutton with sputtering spray and foamy spritz as the semen coats each corner of the boudoir like wallpaper glue mixed with slushy snow.  
the whiplash overtakes Mesay, it steam-cleans and wet-dries the curls in his Salvador Dali mustache rendering it straight and limp, he stands himself leaning his knuckle against the pushed-up slanted orange-into-green forest stripes of the stucco.
Mesay: aye dos mio. phew. sorry about that, i had to close my eyes, the gravitational pull forced my eyelids shut. 
Maiara: it is space travel after all.
Maiara: *in Marge Simpson grunt* now THAT was a clap!! 
Mesay: now what?
Maiara: we break. let them eat cake, as in us. get that cake over there, the Jillian Clare cake, let's try it.
Mesay: well i did feel like it was my birthday just now.
Mesay: *chomping on the crumbs* Jillian Clare tastes good.

Eye Luggage: 8-Bit Christmas and go.
Takahashi: the GREATEST description of the Nintendo grey-box EVER: it looks like TUPPERWARE!!!!!!!!!!

Laertus: related, i read a review of this that encapsulates it perfectly, there's really nothing more to be said about this movie: it's A Christmas Story for the Nintendo generation.
Eye: this was the first film i watched on Los Movies that was playing in theaters concurrently, it was an orgasmic experience, i could smell the popcorn as i watched this in real time pretending i was at a theater.

Doogie Howser: wait i have a daughter? that's impossible.
daughter: THE DOG DIES IN THIS STORY???!!! i'm calling the cats!!!
cat familiars Mlem and Blep: STILL NOT COOL. don't whiplash us like that, movie.
tv: that's bias! they're trying to make you hate tv. but it's not tv's fault, it's the bulk that houses me that crushes your soul.
Dirg: the '80s were hard, man.

Dirg: why do all these movies have the man be the asshole through the whole film......till he comes around at the end and turns out he was just a lovable grouch......a game grump...just a rhetorical question...
Steve Zahn: the part didn't fit me, i usually play goofy. with my name i should be cast as a Marvel Universe magician...

Lucio Rossi: there's always that one kid classmate who's the chronic liar. can't stop lying to save himself. that was me.
Laertus's dad: yes but your lying inspired me to lie at all times which helped me become a writer. my nose is already runny from the waterfalls of nostalgia here.
Dirg: yeah but it's different, the '80s on the Elite Coasts versus the '80s in the Real Midwest. you get real snow in the middle, not snow machines.

Dominic DiLeo: there's always that one kid who's a stuck-up rich snob who gets to use the Nintendo Zapper light gun first. but that wasn't me, i was NICE! my dad was the creepy Sheryl Crow manager that we only found out about post-mortem!
He-Man: Skeletor slime.

Dirg: anyone else find it weird the kid has a 1984 poster on his bedroom wall instead of a Goonies one?
Madame Pons: that's always the way with little girls, they put on a brave front, pretend they're callous and mean, but they're only making sure their family is nice and helpful. need a hug?
Mardith, crying: i'm scared to death each night something i say as a crystal-aura counselor will cause one of my girls to go, that i'll have the blood of a suicide on my hands. i'm not a licensed therapist, we're all just having fun here.
Madame Pons: shhh shhh there there child, you're okay, you're gonna be okay. take some drugs, it'll calm you down, for now.

Laertus's dad: now see what's that? that one thing i don't remember from my childhood, that beeper attached to the bottom dangling from the rearview window.
Laertus: that was the first GPS, used for calling E.T.'s home.
William Shattner: or me at 911.

Tyzik: this film does NOT need a fourth wall to break...
Rubikon: okay i give it to them, that was novel. i've never seen the Nintendo grey-box move its lid up and down like it was talking with a mouth, that's very clever, i can't believe i've never seen any Youtube Poops or anything doing this before.

Joe Pera at the door: we lost to the Bears that year. and Chicago got the Nintendo first that year...

Dirg: Video Game Silence Leads To Violence...

Laertus: World Book Encyclopedias! the dagger, the icicle. but those hard books were cool.
Laertus's dad: yes they were, i still have my brown fading '70s stack of World Book Encyclopedias i won at the St. Cyril's faire. still has good definitions today for fish and U.S. States, not much has changed... 

Dirg: now see, that's not the way you can in real life handle a bully just by talking him down. if i were the kid i'd've konked the bully on the long-curly-hair head with my pink ballet shoes on the bus. buses are deadly vehicles, they only have that one lane for one-way traffic, that's how people get trampled.

Mercy Ships: it was a prank call but we are real. we hand out surgeries to deserving kids in Africa with bad mouths, a simple surgery corrects their teeth and tongue and they can eat again. find it in your heart to donate, this is real.

June Diane Raphael: that Botticelli is mine. pay close attention to the ending here, this is the FIRST time i've ever gotten to play serious on screen. i have never cried in my life till just then. sure being married to that little cute tiny bald man Paul Scheer was fun for one year but it faded quickly.
Maiara: TREEHOUSE! and it's two-storey like ours!

Dirg: this movie sucked. it wasn't at all like the Fred Savage Nintendo movie, there was no actual Nintendo 8-bit cartridge gameplay! we didn't see any of the games being played in action all the way to the Big Boss. this needed a Karate Kid round-robin tournament. 
Laertus: come on man, obviously this was the writer's recollection of his life as a kid losing his dad and how they bonded over Nintendo.
Dirg: it's a bummer ending, the dad just...dies...and it's never explained of what, he just suddenly dies like Kagome's father. did he die from being trampled by a dog that looked like a cow? this film's father is too busy building things, other people's houses that he has no time to fixer-upper his own house, it's nuts pipes and laundry rooms everywhere. and he makes his son eat cow pucks.
Laertus: remind you of anyone?
Dirg: yeah, my dad, that's why i hate it.
Laertus: g'night folks.

David Cross: i was so good at playing the illegal Cabbage Patch Doll seller operating out of the trunk of my car cos i used to sell drugs on the mean streets of NYC in the freezing snow. temps would drop and so would trunks as in trousers. i sold some drugs to Anthony Bourdain, yeah Tony was working at a soup kitchen that's where I came up with the idea for Too Many Cooks. g'night folks.
David Cross: i mean the moral of this story is family is what Christmas is about, not video games. my life is a miracle. i wish i still had my family, i pray to St. Joan every night...

Jillian and Monica Lewinsky have dressed up in cagey big-bottom turn-of-the-19th-century ruby-wine cocktail dresses with frilly sleeves. they stand on the overhang of a white-powder cliff jutting themselves out by reciting feminist poetry on a scroll laughing coyly writing in their journals with umbrella quills what will become YA fiction...
Jillian: tut tut, tisk tisk, why are boys our age so stupid?
Monica: scoff scoff, so damn immature, so vapid and precarious, they fly away at the first sign of trouble or adulthood, this is why girls have been seeking out men for centuries.
Jillian: they're like a murder of crows...
Suzy: it's right daft, you'd think I would be the one to use murder of crows in passing conversation...

Suzy cups her dainty hand to her full lips with a yodel teacup as her sash becomes her scarf.
Suzy: wait let me get up there and try something:
Suzy: RICOLA!!!!!!!!!

Jillian: wait i need something from you, put your Instagram details into my phone.
Suzy: *looking down, all thumbs* they don't use usernames anymore, just real names, so i can't be located. track a ball instead. if you punch up Suzy Lu you get three Korean old ladies.

JUST THEN SUDDENLY Jillian spots on the roof of a Main Street USA building something she has never seen in her life and will never see again:
a boy and his band above the vintage cotton-candy store dressed all in black start shredding heavy metal music at Disneyland!
Jillian: *normal voice* my goddess. whoa. this is my Beatles: Get Back moment! where were you when this concert happened? Monica, it's been fun, but it's just been fun. don't worry, i promise, Monica from Friends WILL play you in the movie. but it's time for me to move on to someone new. someone permanent. something that's real. 



Jules said...

pin button - we call it badge.

I’m also an anomaly in Hollywood. I act like a witch and make people feel uncomfortable despite hiking the trail for love. A potion of nimbleweed often does the trick though and ends up giving me the Squidbillies. It’s very Important not to catch the double-decker bus on nights like those because there’s very little privacy and the whiplash overtakes you. The bus driver looks like a cabbage patch doll and I can’t help but stare which ends up getting me thrown off the bus anyway. Not good when dressed up to the nines in my ruby-wine cocktail dress and grunting like Marge Simpson. Forget a murder of crows, it’s more like and unkindness of ravens, especially now I have to walk past the 3 old Korean bints who want to know if you’ve got a Matterhorn up my dress. That’s vintage Disneyland for you. “Get back! Get back! Get back to where you once belonged!”*)

the late phoenix said...

were you ever in Girl Scouts, mah dahlin? i would only ever do that for the cookies.

perfect summary, my sweet, can you write a blurb for my blog?, wink wink

3 Korean Bints: the name of my band in college. also i swear that was an old anime short by one of the Masters, the guy who did Paranoia Agent

Matterhorn up your dress: i'm afraid i'm not that big

Paul McCartney and Ringo need to team up and write some metal music before it's too late. at least do a vaudeville act with Monty Python.

love ya. I GOT YOUR CHRISTMAS CARD!!! check your Instagram DMs