Friday, December 3, 2021




* St. Jude League: where i FINALLY found my sock. and a competently groomed beardman spokesman for brook beer

* Phoenix: oh no you mean i gotta start watching Law & Order again?!!! the mothership has landed?

* Nerf: don't focus on the guns. focus on the soft ball in the soup, that's funny. like a Nerf noodle casserole.

* Pheonix: what's up with your walk?
Kate McKinnon: what?
Phoenix: in these Verizon spots you walk funny, you lean forward and hobble favoring one leg. sports injury?
Kate: shuffleboard.
Phoenix: film role?
Kate: i'm practicing to be the Female Hunchback. nobody tells you you can't actually walk in Redbottoms...

* Serena Williams: that's how i got so good, i went up against 10 Sharapovas on the other side of the net.
Keanu Reeves: what Marvel character do you think would be cool for me?
Serena: Marvel sucks. there was a Black Lightning animated cartoon superheroine show on Amazon or Netflix or something, i know it, but everyone forgot about it.

* Youtube: you can learn ANYTHING here, we're better than MasterClass. this is about broadening your horizons, making a change of dream. not about making money off our old videos...

* Halo Infinite
Jesus: all shepherds become Youtube video-game influencers. as long as Dank Dalia and Sasha Grey keep playing these games God remains female.

* GMC Sierra
woman: i got you a dog.
man: but i think you're pretty. i mean i love you. i mean, thank you. what a beautiful dog! but where's the mini-barrel of malt liquor around his neck?
woman: you said you'd stop drinking for Christmas.
man: nope.

* Google Pixel 6 Spanish
man: i love you.
woman: i love you. let's meet my dad. i'm deaf, he speaks, but he runs a bodega so you can drink all the liquor you need to get through this.
dad: are you good enough for my daughter?
man: no i am not, sir. but our love is revolutionary, it's the first time England and France has ever cum together. we will skate into the sunset.
dad: my daughter's not a skateboarder, she has a shaved head under her long hair cos she recently had brain surgery.
man: sorry i'm still learning sign language. Google Translate covers ALL the languages...

* Klondike Derby: we are for the bar. no lawyers allowed. Uncle Sigh the horse won here once. this is in Communist Russia. no priests allowed. the Boy Scouts need to feel comfortable to mush.

* Chris Cuomo: i am replacing Brian Williams in the 10 o'clock hour on MSNBC. cue the kettledrums...

* Dirg: Red Baron Squadron, i thought this was about eating pizzas. i was not prepared to do anything athletic on WWI circus-stilts stage-scaffolding planes circling clouds and doing loop-de-loops.
Circus Coo: ...

* Maria LaRosa: Winter Is Canceled

* William Shatner: 4 fingers? no, 3 fingers, four is bad luck, i know this.

* Eye Luggage: i know Dirg the butts, but really how do they STOP in women's skeleton!? how did they do it before?, i forgot. just trying to stop with their anchor leg does not seem kosher. bring out all the weighted blankets and spread them all OVER the course!

* Bowsette: when do i get to be the big bad in my own video game?
Dan Aykroyd: i didn't invent Bowsette out of grief one night in my sci-fi alien doomsday bunker while crying into my coffee.

* Selfridges: we are sad Punky Brewster didn't work out. we are the British Macy's. don't tell anyone Toys R Us is back, we don't want kids in our stores. Geoffery the Giraffe knows how Tiger King will die...

* Rita Lee in a vomit-green Kurt Cobain sweater: if Rita Moreno and Penny Marshall had a baby

* Byland
Cotard: are you happy? our abbey is ruined!
Codrus: yeah but it's ruin porn now.
Cotard: at least it FINALLY got that bylane i clamored for for centuries.

* Gary Numan: are friends electric?
Philip K Dick: yes. especially now. in these nowadays end times...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: two words: HOLIDAY PIE!!!!!!!!!! and it's gonna be the first time all year i'm experiencing 59 in a T shirt, actual cold, below 60, perfect Holiday Pie weather. see you tomorrow at McDonalds, i'll be the one with my jaw unhinged under the ice-cream-cone machine that DOES WORK.

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