Wednesday, December 15, 2021


Jillian Clare: and you are?
NoizeBoy: NoizeBoy
Jillian: nice to meet ya.
they can't shake hands cos he's on top of a store and she's down below on the ground.
Jillian: lovin what you did with the place.
NoizeBoy: yeah i figured there is so much lighting used here on Main Street USA. all the matinee signs to all these shoppes are lit up, the rounded lights on top become my footlights to my stage as i do my music songs on the roofs.
Jillian: rad. is it rooves? i love when you play, we should disco-dance sometime. everything Disney is stage lighting. but not staged lighting.
NoizeBoy: what about the phantom hologram ghosts?
Jillian: save a special for me.
NoizeBoy: special lighting is my specialty. and mist machines for golf.

NoizeBoy has two ears and three earlobes.
Jillian: get down from there. hop down like a cat, i want to see if you pass my test.
Jillian: nice. so what's your dream, sir?
NoizeBoy: i love Disneyland so much i want to see it completely reconstituted and reconstructed built up again like the Disneyland in Italy.
Jillian: you from there?
NoizeBoy: no i just like pizza. 
Jillian: yeah Disneyland pizza tastes sweet, the dough is made from churros. i aim to change that when i become President of SAG-AFTRA.
NoizeBoy: shit i'm gonna be the first First Husband!
Jillian: slow down, sparky. elephants or teacups?

Laertus's dad: related, have you ever felt the roundness?
Laertus: ...
Laertus's dad: you know, when you run your hand across the cover of a World Book Encyclopedia and feel those '70s bumps. like coarse beige sand, like tiny microscopic bubbles under your fingernails.
Laertus: i think you were just high back then, dad.
Laertus's dad: high on education, son. high on learning. not high on life, high on learning, those are two completely different things.

Gene from Joe Pera: what it all boils down to, my friend...
Alanis Morissette: do NOT
Gene: Earth will become a boiling planet soon so we need a 100-Year Plan.
Matt Talbott: ...
Mrs. Talbot: i taught that boy organ. what's with the electric guitar? i hate that shit. fuck the electric guitar!

Bob Mueller: i always had a scowl on my face cos i was wearing the wrong shoes...

Michael Patrick King: my name has special significance to the author...

Sean Connery: back then all you needed to control the universe was a sabre...

David Broom: i solicited a ho. nevermind, just broom it under the rug and let's get back to the recording studio.
Kurt Cobain: ...
Phoenix: you're a cool dude, David Broom. you sound like a Harry Potter character.
Dominic from Real World: California is a magic place, magickier than my native Ireland. you can go from blazing burnin sun that sands your cock off 20 minutes on the Santa Monica Freeway to Mammoth and freezing biting snow that turns it into a cocksicle all in the space of a stamp under the tongue. why was there never a woolly mammoth on the cover of the Lucky Charms box? that blasted leprechaun should be chasing a mammoth not a whale. the mammoth star would be chocolate, they've never had a chocolate star before!

Laertus: Forbes as a magazine actually scares me.

Michael Weiss holding a 101 Dalmatians clapperboard: Instagram is the process of borrowing another person's life...
Michael Weiss: Instagram makes me horny...

Dutch Bros: the perfect cuppa o' coffee for Phoenix

Fareed Zakaria: i paid for my Tesla with PayPal which makes Elon Musk's strange weird wet-brain thoughts all the more disappointing.

Scarlett Johansson: why were you making out with Billie Eilish?
Colin Jost: i thought she was YOU!!!

Martin Yan: dim sum and then some. it's very easy to do, anyone can do it. these sticky rice big balls of mine are bigger than our KQED President's sticky hands cos he has little balls.

Princess Marina: i didn't want to be a princess! i wanted to be a silent film star!

Cara Williams: New York City to Beverly Hills, now THAT's the pipeline. nobody's last name is ever just William.

Dirg: Wink Magazine, pinups are not porn.

Joanna Leeds: i dropped out when Jillian entered the race. i'm okay with being Mena Suvari's sex-scene double.
Sam Fragoso: me, too, i dropped out of the running to be Jillian's campaign manager after i beheld the beauty that is Monica Lewinsky in all her plump glory. i'm happy just being a hobbit.

Arielle Raycene: i could totally play Steven Tyler's daughter, we have the same mouth.

Rachael Leigh Cook: you two don't like each other much do you.
Kevin Frazier and Nischelle Turner: nope.
Rachael: if you two need a third wheel to host Entertainment Tonight, jus sayin, y'all, i'm newly divorced and looking for a new adventure...

Sophia Urista: what? i did what i did. urine, it's in the last name...

Aaron Sorkin: it's impossible for me to indulge too much.

landau top: when Takahashi visits Martin. and Gina.

Anne Rice: i was fine with my relationship with Christ and the Church's image and portrayal of Him. until i joined facebook...

Mesay: whoa! cool typewriter!
Maiara Walsh: it's a LEGO typewriter! made all of LEGOS and it works! i'm typing my novel on it. don't you DARE call it a novella...
Mesay: it's the color of sand-green.
Maiara: not the horrid tennis player! i have a feeling the walls are gonna be coated four corners with a waterfall of our white Liquid Paper tonight.
Mesay: the Ewoks hoard all the correction fluid in this sector, that's how they get away with not working.
Maiara: same for us writers, that's what we do, too. this is perfect, i can continue going barefoot everywhere not worrying i'll stub my toe on dull-sharp slicey LEGOs and make my feet bowllegged.
Mesay: llenda. yenda. you do make quite the impression. you continue doing you, babe. Mai, your corrective fluid corrected me.

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
8-Bit Christmas: you watched me like you were a New York Times film critic who got an early screener.
Eye: i know it was glorious!
Dirg: all the shelves were empty, cleared of Nintendo grey-boxes that '80s Christmas because of Biden's supply-chain. too soon?

Eye: Uncle Buck and go.
Dirg: wait the version i saw didn't have the Uncle Buck Pancake scene!!! that is THE scene of this movie, the only one anybody remembers!!
Eye: it was cut, deleted on all versions for that box of Aunt Jemima pancake mix.
Dirg: wha the? see? do you SEE what i mean? what i'm sayin? do you see what i've been harping on going on about this whole time?!!

Dirg: I'M OUT
Laertus: congratulations.
Dirg: i can't. i can't do this. sorry. the girl in this is too much of a bitch. i know i know redemption arc at the end makes it all the sweeter, but was there any particular reason why you were such a cunt throughout this whole damn film!?
Jean Louisa Kelly: none given. but it was fun playing a typical teenager. cut me some slack this was my very first film role! i'm hot tho.
Dirg: yes but there must be a position in life of what you WON'T do for hot.
Jean Louisa Kelly: resting bitch face wasn't a thing yet in the '80s.

Laertus's dad: when i was a kid i watched my dad watch this movie in a very peculiar way. dad was typing up his first novel at 7-Eleven while working there full-time. to fool his bosses he'd man the Slurpee machines while Uncle Buck was away on commercials then slowly tiptoe to the break room right before the movie would come back on again, it was a Sunday-afternoon Channel 5 special. back and forth he'd go, every ten minutes walk back and forth. he told me later he was interested in the dynamic between the teenage girl and her uncle, Tia and Buck, i never forgot that. now watching it with all you i feel i've come full circle with my dad, i'm finally watching every minute of Uncle Buck and can relate to my dad better, i'm watching it with him in spirit. 

Rubikon: wait is this a holiday movie?
John Hughes: all my movies are holiday movies.
Tyzik: this was the hot ticket back in the day.
Roger Ebert: wait why did this movie make a boatload of money? the script is BAD. it doesn't have the same John Hughes magic, there's a weird darkness to it, it'
John Hughes: fair. i was going through a divorce while writing this. the script reflected my overall meanness and pettiness back then. probably because of John Candy, everyone paid to see John Candy. John Candy's pancake-doughy facial expressions.

Dirg: you gotta admit Liz Cheney is low-key hot.

Jean Louisa Kelly: everyone thinks i'm from Texas but i'm not.

Macaulay Culkin: i'm a kid, that's my job. i have no IDEA how my life will change irrevocably in just a few months...

Gaby Hoffmann: i'm still okay, right? 

Garrett M Brown: i shoulda played Encyclopedia Brown...

Elaine Bromka: no relation to David Broom. strangely, despite my puppy-dog eyes, my expressive eyes, THIS was my only significant film role of note. no idea. theatre nerd i guess.

Amy Madigan: i'm that woman you've seen but can't quite place the name. i was that drunk soccer mom on ER or something. Chanice? that's not a very Chicago name. i was flattered to get carded buying liquor but the clerk said it was because i needed to have my card laminated.

Jay Underwood: i was typecast after this as the worst thing you could ever be: a frat guy. so obviously i was never asked to do SNL.

Suzanne Shepherd: i lasered off my mole, toned my buns, and became Chrissy Snow!!!

Uncle Buck: i'm sad. i don't get it, i'm free, i'm unattached, no wife, no kids, so why am i so damn lonely? you'd think living under Chicago Cubs Stadium would be ideal but i just feel like a bum.

Cindy: my dad had a heart attack.
Uncle Buck: i know the feeling.
Cindy: we don't want you watching the kids, we want Jack Tripper.
crones: we'll get the flowers. we got flowers for every occasion.
Janet: ...

Cindy: i am genuinely TERRIFIED to leave the kids with you, Buck.
Mardith: that was a terrific linereading.
Madame Pons: yes, terrifically funny.

Takahashi: that 1977 Mercury loses value every time it DOESN'T backfire with smoke.
Uncle Buck: all it needed was a tire...

Eye: i mean the boyfriend can't be ALL bad, he wears a beret. 

Uncle Buck: my load.
Laurie Metcalf: that's sexy.
Uncle Buck: no my load of laundry.
Laurie Metcalf: that's even sexier, a man who does the laundry, rawr. don't mind my last name, i'm a spitfire in bed.
Buck: why are you like this?
Laurie: i never get the attention, for some reason Roseanne gets the attention despite her being fat.
Monica Lewinsky: ...

clown: who are you, Mother Cabrini?
Uncle Buck: get back in your mouse and drive outta here. i ain't scared of you. you're not Mickey Mouse, you're Mighty Mouse.
clown: i'm telling Layne Staley and he's gonna finally get out of his apartment to come beat you up.

at the bowling alley
Uncle Buck: do i need to sic The Dude on you, punk?
The Dude: hey man i'm not into violence. 

Tia: i love him, he wears a beret, he's an artist.
Uncle Buck: he only wants to fuck you. know how i know? cos Bug is ME!!!
Tia: that's disgusting.
Buck: no i mean back THEN. i wish i had ingested a can of bug spray so i wouldn't be this sad NOW. don't let the Blues Brothers hat fool you, i'm dead inside.

Laertus: the high school kids duck when the motor of the car goes off in a loud pop, but they don't think it's gunfire, these kids have no concept of school shootings in the '80s.

Uncle Buck: if you put the movie on mute and see me taking a hatchet out of the trunk you'd think this was an episode of X-Files.

Laertus: if a guy takes a video never trust him if in the background there's a flag with a smiley face on it.

Uncle Buck: this is my moment of reckoning, i shed real tears here. i was going to bet it all on one of Bob Baffert's horses to win the Triple the '80s. tomorrow's another day, always remember that...
Kurt Cobain: ...

Uncle Buck: whoa it's like Delta House in here. why did i bring this drill? i look ridiculous with an electric drill in my hand. 
Dirg: what about the chick who is in the bed who we all assumed was Tia? she has NO OTHER credits to her name! she didn't become a Hollywood star! why?

Dirg: duct tape? trunk kidnapping? illegal golf?  this is going too far. this is getting dark. this is getting dark and DANK.
Kendrick Lamar: ...

Uncle Buck: how's your father?
Cindy: he was never sick, that was a red herring for the script.

Dirg: now SEE, she FINALLY smiles at the end, and she looks nice! she looks pleasant! you should smile more.
Jean Louisa Kelly: um, it's called good acting.
Mr. Holland from Mr. Holland's Opus: tell me about it.
Dirg: she smiles so hard you can see all her crooked teeth! g'night folks.

Uncle Buck: your grandfather's dead to me, he played for the White Sox. so you wanna grab a coffee sometime?
Tia: sure.
Buck: i'm thinking over what Uncle Buck 2 would have been. and all the fanfiction that exists now. the next movie would have been you and me at Starbucks. we can't fuck, right?
Tia: no, we're related.
Uncle Buck: right right. 

John Belushi: you're the Canadian me.
John Candy: no you're the American me. it's in the name, Candy from Canada. i was never fat. i was never fat. i coulda been skinny in a snap, all i needed to do was take some cocaine. Redfeather the turkey? maybe it's for the best that character was never created......

John Candy: g'night folks

in the bowels of Disneyland
Carly Severn: here girl, let me show you stretch + stipple. 
Jillian: i love your acting mirror, it's so bright with circle lights!
Carly: latex makeup is the future of Youtube. there, i'm the Snow White witch and you're Belle.

NoizeBoy: i'm so excited to go on the Autobahn!
Jillian: it's Autopia.
NoizeBoy: wait let me fix your hair. there, put on these dark glasses and wear this milk-maiden scarf over your head and you look like Marilyn Monroe! you have the perfect face, it's flawless! an old '30s visage, a Hollywood glamour face, a glamourpuss puss.
Jillian: it's all makeup my dear boy. 
NoizeBoy: touring Disneyland with Jillian Clare, there's no other Heaven. 
Jillian: isn't it better to say here at Disneyland and not travel all the way to Italy?
NoizeBoy: i guess.

NoizeBoy follows Jillian behind in her silver car in his brown car on the conveyor-belt road.
NoizeBoy: i love smashing your bumper. i love the wind rustling through your hair! i stick out my tongue mass, uncork it, uncurl it, spool it all out, and i eat your hair. i've swallowed a strand of your hair.
Jillian: metal. follow me to Seven Dwarves Village.
NoizeBoy: cool. the tiny microscopic roofs are painted Italian blue!

already in this forest the mushrooms are all being desecrated by Suzy Lu. Suzy spots a shadow hiding under the furthest shroom.
Suzy Lu: come out from under that head. is that you? are we experiencing this live? ready for the big reveal?
Chris Noth: ...
Suzy: ready for the reveal?
when Suzy realizes who it is her eyes pop bright and wide so hard you can see her crooked pupils going in and out in waves.  
Suzy: KAKASHI!!!!!!!!!!


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