at the Smurf Forest
Suzy Lu: KAKASHI!!! now THAT's a Christmas prezzie! how are you?
Kakashi: ...
Suzy: oh that's right, you can't talk cos of your mask.
Kakashi: ninja live the covid life everyday. cos ninja always feel they're gonna die today.
Suzy: are you an animal in bed?
Kakashi: find out next week.
Suzy: i've had a crush on you since the day i first laid eyes on you in pre-K.
Kakashi: and i you. i fell in love with you watching your videos.
Suzy: right in THIS case i'll make an exception. it's not parasocial it's true love.
Kakashi: yeah i love how you involve your audience, it's so tender and loving, when you narrate you use the word WE as you watch the protagonist go through the adventure of the anime. not I. you say WE fight or WE fall in love, that makes it all a collective thing, an inclusive thing, breaks down the barrier of the glass screen and makes us all one.
Suzy: i ate glass when i was in pre-K. has a lot to do with the problem i have now.
Bayview High: nobody killed Screech...
John Daly: i kept ordering Taco Bell till they gave me potatoes...
puffy mattress: we bring back the REAL Teen Titans...
Michael Weiss wearing Vanilla Ice Lincoln-hat hair under his chef tophat: you know the only reason i got heavily into Instagram was to order sushi...
H Jon Benjamin: we had a negotiator plotline in our Christmas episode, too, it was gonna be a Die Hard thing...
Bob Belcher: so that's why Jimmy Pesto was so angry on set all the time...
Jake Paul: i've lost my mind.........no, literally.
Alice In Chains "Grind" music-video set: we were in Doctor Who: Flux!!!!!
Michael Weiss: don't go on the deathcult that is twitter. instead listen to friend of the channel...
Halsey: wouldn't i be perfect casting to play Cortana?...
Jen Carfagno: i've always wanted to be on Star Trek.........the original one. i'm calling for mammoth snows in Mammoth...
Takahashi: i'm going to go to the middle of the day, then i'm gonna go to the middle of the day, then i'm gonna get stuck in the middle with you...
opera windows: you won't get me till the fat lady sings......till women drive EVERYWHERE in the world!
Tyzik: i don't get it, you can't fast-forward new episodes of tv, but why? it just wastes energy!
Takahashi: omg! The Store! they have the Christmas Cola Collab! Cinnamon Coke AND Cherry Ice Winter Blend Berry Sprite!
Cotard: i'm getting a lot of smishing.
Codrus: it's from the Amish.
Billy Corgan: i'm getting a lot of vishing. it's from Vishnu, "Siva" and the like.
Maggie Mac Neil at the pool: i'm the only person in history ever to make MacNeil two words...
Darva Conger: thank Fuerza i didn't take the money. the million money. i stayed a nurse and saved millions of lives more than the vaccine. my mom is still trapped in that Salvation Army kettle!
midlife crisis: midlife crisis?!!! nobody lives to midlife anymore!!!
Greta Thunberg: yeah i was at the Yukon 300 years ago, the gold was still fresh there. i didn't take any of it cos that gold is natural to the environment. although if i had we'd have enough money now to completely environmentalize the entire planet.
Dream Depot: no diapers here
double breasted peak lapel blazer: bring back the old good cartoons! i'll climb Mount Everest if you do!
short sharp shock: hardcore Hamilton
couronne: cheese that is the absolute best. can only be eaten in black-and-white in Mexico...
Doryce: i was fooled. i thought the glass Christmas light bulb on the mini circle-brownie would be edible sugar cake-glass. but it was plastic.
Mlem and Blep the cat familiars: get those things away from us!!
Tobey Maguire: i was in the Q Lazzarus "Goodbye Horses" video. i was down on my luck at the time, penniless save for a few stones. i wanted my fortune read. my fortune told. my fortune foretold. Q kept rambling on about spandex...
Dirg: people visit me on Instagram the way they attend church, twice a year.
Santa and the Easter Bunny: ...
Codrus: they're checking to see if you're still alive...
Jacques Pepin: i break apart two biscuits of angelhair pasta...
Dirg: "Christmastime for the Jews" is my favorite SNL sketch for some reason...
Jacques: yeah i used to watch that one with the ginger girl, my daughter, explains why she's so hyper. it's not Thanksgiving until you see that Eddie Murphy Mister Robinson brown bag skit for the millionth time.
Dirg: it's not real soup unless there's soup stock in it. you can't just substitute water for everything on Earth.
Francesca Lia Block: i've never had writer's block. no, covid didn't come from me, it didn't start with me. kids are smarter than you think...
reindeer: if you don't do something soon Christmas will really be canceled...
Junipero Serra: why are there crossword clues about me and my teachings?!!! just stop it already!!! stop it all!!!
at Smurf Forest
Jillian Clare: wow you're tiny.
NoizeBoy: i'm trying to fit into one of these minuscule mushroom homes! i got it through the roof i mean i got myself through the roof. you seeing this?
Jillian: yeah, let's see how Tom Thumb you can get, hop into the brittle pages of my green book here. notice how the hardcover edges are not gilded gold.
Jillian: perfect, you're now a line of print, ink i can gobble up in my mind as i scan you.
Jillian: we should be safe here, free from diversion, free from intrusion and invasion, free from prying eyes, little beady eyes, free to do whatever it is our little hearts desire.
NoizeBoy: base does not denote little, we have big hearts.
Jillian: well if we're so real let's do this!
Jillian wears a yellow Emily Dickinson dress to the movie.
Jillian: which ticket stub you got? i got Spider-Man No Way Home.
NoizeBoy: you picked the wrong one, Matrix Resurrections is better.
NoizeBoy: this is giving me erections. but this screen is smaller than my ipad mini!
back outside in the woods under a Hollywood Bowl moon on a thin blanket
NoizeBoy: holy FUCK your tits are big. huge like falling boulders!!!
Flavor Flav: ...
NoizeBoy: i had no idea.
Jillian: thanks. all-natural, baby. nobody has any idea cos i wear a lot of drab grey coats to movies. i wanted to do it, do this, inside Smurfette's house for the symbolism of it but she wouldn't let us in. i'm naked and barefoot save for the Russian hat i'm wearing, i've switched from the Ushanka which means doubt to the Papakha which means sinful. i have confidence in you. and in me with you. call me papa as you cum all over my face, you did say i had the perfect face.
NoizeBoy: yes. thank you. i just did it, in case you didn't feel it. my cum is always little.
Jillian: i felt it. or was that the wind?
NoizeBoy: it makes it even hotter that yours is a feminist face. what's that black thing wrapped around your little finger?
Jillian: not a band. it's a tattoo, a tat of a heart on the knuckle of my ringfinger.
Trent Reznor: ...
Jillian: i have confidence now.........that maybe YOUR ring is the one to finally remove this tattoo from off my finger without surgery. cover it up with love. i've been waiting for my Prince Charming for a LONG ASS time.
Jillian: you finished, quickly stick your two fingers down my throat.
NoizeBoy: inside your mouth?
Jillian: retrieve something for me. it's down there.
NoizeBoy: oh wow it's a bookmark.
Jillian: which one you want to commemorate our time together? the Lord of the Rings hot-elf one or the Weetzie Bat one?
Nancy Reagan: a bat can stay American and strong if it eats its Wheaties. i was the throat goat at RKO.
Eye Luggage: Animal House and go.
John Belushi making the eye-wiggle: nobody read National Lampoon the magazine before this...
Alfred E Neuman: i did.
Jack Nicholson: you stole my eye-wiggle!
Little Drummer Boy: whenever you hear a bugle at the start of a movie or song, you know it's gonna be bad.
Jerry Cantrell: ...
John Belushi, batting his eyelashes and blushing: once again i have to ask, I shoulda played the Joker! it seems ANYBODY can play the Joker.
Heath Ledger: ...
John Belushi: oh wow, look at my cartoon on the film poster, that looks nothing like me!
Sergio Aragones: i resent that remark, sir!
John Belushi: i resemble it.
Tom Hulce: how i went from this to Amadeus i'll never know. i know Mozart was a prankster but...
Ex-President Bump: the fact that this is the highest grossing comedy of all time is how i won.
Laertus: emphasis on grossing. gross-out wasn't a genre till this.
Pat: Faber College is Princeton, right?
Gina: i still can't get over the beanies. these 19-year-old men wearing CAPS WITH HELICOPTER PROPELLERS. no computers involved.
Julia Ioffe: something out of Three Stooges.
Jen Pizarro: i'm only interested in the young-ingenue girl-student and seasoned-professor romance, that's hot. and quite normal for the time, wasn't a big deal. this sort of thing happened regularly on campus, remember this takes place in the '60s. the pre-Hippie '60s, a lot of pent-up free love roaming around.
Jack Tripper: trippy, it's a '70s movie, well an '80s movie, but it's the '60s when it comes to race relations, why wasn't there a black character on Three's Company? i would have been down for that.
John Belushi: i am what Bluto would have looked like in real life without the cartoon muscles.
otter: the other
Flounder from Little Mermaid: was this movie ever made into a traveling Broadway show?...
Tim Matheson: this is where all my proclivities developed...
Natalie Portman: yeah you aren't kidding! there's a pic of you at the 25th Reunion groping a woman's breasts like you two are still back on campus, it's not a good look for you.
Rod Serling: leave me out of this.........i read books for the right reasons...
Peter Riegert: i do not belong in this picture. i am so out of place here, i don't look like a frat guy at all, if anything i'm a professor's PA lackey.
Bruce McGill: i can't do it like the Spongebob guy, can't make the sounds like that Police black guy.
Stephen Furst: last to be recognized at the Reunion. that's not me on 7th Heaven...
Karen Allen: i always get confused for Margot Kidder.
James Daughton: i'm that guy on the Capri Sun Sunny D pouch...
Dean Wormer: Harry Potter villain name
Donald Sutherland: i PAID for this piece of shit! you know looking back, i don't show Kiefer ANY of my movies...
JFK: nobody got in trouble for the events in this movie cos i died the next day...
Kim Novak: i was busy with my forest paintings and Sammy...
M Night Shyamalan: Shama Lama Ding Dong, not funny, guys.
Mitch English: ...
Peter Riegert: look at me. do i look like the face of a person who can fix race relations in this country?
Richard Pryor: you look like someone who shouts a lot. Otis Day was WAY ahead of you honkeys' time!
Patrick Swayze: beer, no sugar.
Delta: we tried to pick up girls at Sarah Lawrence but those lesbians were too smart for our dead-roommate routine.
John Belushi: don't fuck with the eagles unless you know how to fly. not a marijuana thing. the mustard thing was stupid. but i'm still mad they cut the scene where i stare at a bathroom mirror for ten minutes...
Eye: oh god i feel so bad for Sunny Johnson, making out in a car was probably the best sex she ever had before her untimely ice-skating accident.
Alfred E Neuman: um, can we talk about my thing now? all i'll say is watch the trailer for Up The Academy. the mask of me is the creepiest movie mask you will ever see on screen, creepier than any Jason mask. am i SUPPOSED to look like a serial killer?
Spee Club: the hazing does not involve pee...
Mlem and Blep: we HATE that the horse died. but even we gotta admit that that still-frame scene with the horse neighing was funny.
Clay from Berkeley: remember when i put up that John Belushi Bluto COLLEGE sweater poster on my dorm-room wall? and nobody had any clue who the fuck he was?
Georgia: i can't believe i had to stand for three hours on the second floor of a spiral-staircase coffee shop cos there were no tables hanging out with you at night cos there was literally nothing to do at that dorm.
John Belushi: we did all these college tropes FIRST. the togas, the idea that all frats are cults with members wearing hooded monk robes and drinking blood in secret rooms late at night, and the VOMIT.
Codrus: none of this is true. ancient societies do not hold the answer. there is only truth in vomit.
Billy Corgan: hey Belushi! Chicago to Chicago listen up! not cool when you smashed that guy's acoustic guitar. he wasn't trying to pick up chicks. that was a good song. that was one of my songs.
John Belushi: i'm a zit.
Degrassi: ...
Belushi: but did you know i can eat all the chocolate chip cookies i want but i can't cos i don't have my diabetes meds on me. and that i'm in the college band, i play the harp but those scenes of me out on the football field were cut.
professor: wanna smoke pot?
Boon: you see? this is why college is unfair. you can't compete, the professors are cooler than the students. i can't say no to your puppy-dog blue eyes, Katy.
professor: Satan. it's not a dirty word. Milton was telling us we're just human. wait a minute, there's a bell? college classes are like high school classes?
Katy: hey i'm the only girl in this who doesn't go nude. oh wait there's my butt. my bare butt. okay, well full-nude.
Professor Dave Jennings: you gotta admit that was funny, you show your bare butt and then I show MY bare butt.
Katy: only fair.
cats: goose and gander type thing.
Ken Jennings: not my father. i went to comic-book college...
cashier: want to see my pussy?
Tom Hulce: hum a few bars, i don't know that one, is it classical music?
cashier: trust me i'm not underage, i work as a casher i mean come on.
Jillian: this is where it gets all rapey, the thing with the angel-and-devil-on-the-shoulder above a naked inebriated knocked-out unconscious girl. and the ladder thing with Bluto where he looks at the camera and smirks peeping-tomming a girl undressing by the sorority window.
Dirg: i gotta admit, that was hot when the college student seduces that older woman at the grocery store.
Joe Pera: ...
Dirg: the wife of the dean. there's nothing like revenge sex i mean there's just something about an older woman. so Mrs. Robinson fishnet-stockings leggings vibes.
Otter: who do we blame for all this rape culture? men? the college? God?
Tyzik: whoa! back then they didn't have printers, they had PRINTING PRESSES!
Belushi: we'll destroy the homecoming parade! wait is this college or high school? how long have i been here?
John Landis: the sequel to this is the musical Hair. thank you. the sequel to this is American Graffiti. thank you. the sequel to this is Platoon...
Delta frat boy: don't be here at the parade route! it won't be safe! this is really bad timing with JFK.
Karen Allen: i'll be safe in the viewing stand.
Delta frat boy: what are you doing here anyway? taking photos for the local newspaper?
Karen Allen: see what i mean?!!! everyone thinks i'm Lois Lane!!!
Ferris Bueller: i don't get it, they disrupted a parade, i disrupted a parade, what's the big deal?
John Landis: what you take away with with this movie is that you can't get away with it. there's a need for forgiveness. you must forgive yourself. you must forgive others. most of all, you must forgive me. you really need to forgive me, thank you g'night folks.
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